Desperate plea for money - WWYD

[Bittornhelp]

More of a WWYD really - OH and I are feeling very torn. NC'd as potentially identifying....

Sorry it's a bit long - I've tried to summarise the story to date without drip feeding - I fully appreciate that I only have OH's side of the story in this, as we only met a couple of years after much of this took place. However, we've been together ten years, and I would trust his word as he sees it.

OH separated from his first wife in 2006 - they'd been together ten years, but mostly unhappily. OH stayed so long for her two children, who were about 2 and 3 when they got together, and who he saw as his own. ExW was by all accounts not the most stable of individuals - would dramatically estrange herself from friends and family the most trivial of reasons, and was often emotionally manipulative / abusive towards OH. She also had issues with reckless expenditure - examples being blowing a £60k inheritance, and repeatedly running up credit card debt that OH at one point risked bankruptcy over in trying to pay off (just to fill in the gaps, she was a SAHM for all this period). OH paid the mortgage and put the children through private school - when they finally did split, he basically walked away with nothing. ExW immediately blocked all access to the children - and OH had no right to access, given they were neither biologically or legally his own. I know that losing access to them was and remains one of the greatest pains and regrets of his life.

A few years down the line the younger son (will call DS for ease) then about 17 or 18 got back in touch via social media - which OH was delighted by. As teens do, DS would ask for money from time to time; an uncharitable person might say he asked for money every time he was in touch. OH would always oblige - partly out of guilt at how things ended, partly in the hope that this might act as a "bridge" back into face-to-face contact one day.

Now the DS is 22, and despite having asked for and received money on an ad hoc basis for all these years (probably talking about £1,000 "pocket money" a year), has never committed to the beers or football matches etc OH has on several occasion gently suggested - contact has only ever been via email for all this time. After their last exchange when OH coughed up for driving lessons, OH decided that this would be the last time he paid out, given that DS is now an adult at 22, and the relationship he had hoped might one day result in doing so hasn't come about.

Anyway, to the dilemma at hand - the other day out of the blue we got this:

Hi Dad, would you be able to give me some more financial support ASAP, with me and mum living at 's and basically being homeless I'm seriously struggling now, got credit cards and overdrafts to pay off and I'm seriously starting to have a breakdown. I have no one else to ask and I feel bad enough having to ask.

In previous communications, he had mentioned that ExW lost the house "for no reason", and that they were then evicted from emergency accommodation because the landlord apparently "changed his mind". AFAIK, he and ExW are now crammed in with a family friend, with no prospect of moving on any time soon. The presumption is that ExW didn't keep up with mortgage or rental payments - though OH had left her with 6-figure equity in the house. OH also strongly suspects that DS has gotten himself into debt by putting his wages towards ExW's living costs, as he has said that ExW now has depression and (still) can't work. He's also said that the older sister had just escaped an abusive relationship, is now a single mum, and also has depression (I'm not sure what her living circumstances are), and that he is struggling to stay positive for everyone.

By all accounts he is and always was a nice lad - I'll admit to having a look at his Facebook profile, and he looks a lovely young man, very sporty, involved in the community and a very hand-on uncle, who it sounds has been dealt a shit hand due to ExW's financial situation and has perhaps found himself in over his head as a result.

However, he also sounds quite immature where finances are concerned, and in need more of some proper financial advice than he is more cash at this time - OH (in the right industry to advise) is more than willing to provide practical advice in how he can get best get the situation under control, and wants to ask for a face-to-face meeting to help him talk things through and advise on next steps. He's wary of providing further financial support for all the obvious reasons - i.e. potentially being played, money likely diverting towards ExW, cash in the short-term just proving a drop in the ocean, and not really helping DS in terms of life lessons in the long run anyway, etc....

That said, in DS's last communication a couple of months ago he was cheerily asking for driving lessons, not in the midst of a full-blown debt crisis - so who's to say any of the above is even true...? There wasn't even a "please"...

It's hard to know at a distance quite what to believe and what to do to help....

WWYD for the best in this situation please??

[ChicRock]

This man is not interested in a relationship with your DH, beyond using him as a source of ready cash.

Sure, offer a meeting to talk through his financial situation and offer advice and emotional support, but as soon as you make it clear the gravy train has stopped you won't see him for dust. If you make that clear enough in the email he won't even be interested in meeting up.

[Manumission]

Lots of people are manipulated by their parents, but by early twenties have managed to break free, live their own lives and decide if they want to see absent parents. If he's still living with and completely enthralled to his mum/sister then nothing will change in the next decade anyway.

You can see how it would be difficult for a nice lad to say "Hi Ho" and ship out and get on with living his life in the current homelessness situation, though, can't you?

Some people create constant drama around themselves and are incredibly manipulative.

I'd he has a mother like that and is in a genuine mess and has already half-burned his bridges with his Dad tapping him for cash in lesser tight spots... Well it's a mess. He's probably under a lot of pressure not to see his Dad but he desperately needs wise, steady adult input from somewhere.

[trulybadlydeeply]

No Manumission, they are not, and shouldn't be, endebted. Parents bring children into the world knowing the responsibilities and the costs involved, and do so willingly. This man provided for children which were not his own, but whom he thought of as his own, and didn't just provide for them in basic terms, but paid substantial sums of money out in school fees. He did not (from what has been said) expect anything in return.

However after years of no contact, the DS got back in touch, and from what has been said, each time there was contact from him, there was requests for money. He is now an adult, and is still requesting money, but does not seem willing to have any kind of relationship with the OH. There is no indication that the OH feels the DS should be endebted to him. Rather there is an expectation that the DS expects the OH to hand over money whenever he asks for it, when there is now no other contact between him, ExW, DS or DD. TBH if my DS (20) did that ie I never saw him, and never heard from him except when he wanted money, despite him having a full time job, then I certainly wouldn't give him money. That is not a parent/child relationship, or indeed any kind of relationship.

[Mulberry72]

I don't think that you should give DS any more cash, and this needs to be crystal clear from the very outset.

Financial advice and emotional support, absolutely but nothing more.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

Surely the whole point is though that in many situations, parents couldn't bail out their children to the tune of funding all their rent/paying off debts. A lot of people couldn't do this for financial reasons, full stop. It's not what love is. Relationships aren't usually contingent on one person paying out and the other not having any face to face contact with them.

That's just ridiculous. It's not even remotely plausible as an ongoing relationship between son and dad!

It's also clear that even if he did stump up the money, it wouldn't change the mother/son dynamic.

Now is the time to find out if his son wants a relationship beyond money.

[Foureyesarebetterthantwo]

And, given that the son clearly is enmeshed with the mum, I think the nicest thing the OP's husband can say is 'my door will always be open in the future for you to get in touch' so that if he does manage to extricate himself, there is a possibility of a relationship down the line (although this does seem quite unlikely).

It would also be fine to write 'our financial circumstances are different than they used to be, I no longer work in the City and can't help in this situation, sorry' as this is not really up for debate. This is true anyway, if you are taking lodgers in your house to increase income, then bailing the son out isn't an option surely. It might be easier than trying to explain why the son should be more financially independent.

[RogueStar01]

i don't think it's clear yet, I agree with manumission, look at what's happened in his family - all the bad money decisions his mum has made coming home to roost, his sister getting PG and now a single mum (I think that's right). Whilst there's a chance that it's genuine that you could change his life for the better I'd have to try but i'd keep my eyes open in case it was just a con from the mum. I don't understand the anger towards DP from the mum, she sounds like a very nasty piece of work indeed.

[feebeecat]

Don't just hand over the cash. Stick with insisting on having a face to face meeting first to try & go through it all/form a long term plan.
Had similar with sil. Dh was guilt-tripped into paying up at first, but then insisted on sitting down to go through her finances - it was scary the amount of debt she had run up and it soon became clear she would've been happy for us to remortgage Dh's stupid plan with no intention/ability to ever repay. I was sahm at the time and suitably livid that she'd happily have seen us out on the street. She was/still is just a bottomless pit

[HiMummyG]

It's a no from me. I would suggest you take the sound advice from Allalonenow!

A meeting should be on the cards and definitely tell him how your DP feels about the repeated requests for money. Honesty is the best policy here.
All the best!

[Mix56]

Does your DH know this family friend ? could he contact him/her to get a feeling of the situation, re who is actually living there, & why ?
Is this real ?
Sounds like XW is just trying to scam £ to me.

[MinnieTM]

A no here too. Head needs to rule this time although it may feel uncomfortable

[YouHadMeAtCake]

No more money! My sister has two SC, they only ever get in touch with their DF ,her DH ,for money. Always close to birthdays and Christmas. It's ridiculous and I wouldn't have it. He's not a child and he's made no effort but just takes and never gives.

[LurkingQuietly]

Um, OP have you just displayed your name/email address?

[Bittornhelp]

Fuck.reported

[Wigbert]

@Bittornhelp I have reported your post as it has your name and email in it.

[Wigbert]

Hope it is fixed quickly for you.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

I would send a short email like manumission suggested, stating that your DH wants to speak about all of this face to face.

[GlitteryFluff]

I've reported it too

[PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker]

Reported - hope you get sorted x

[Bittornhelp]

Thank you mumsnet!!!!

[Robinkitty]

The ds has a cheek asking for financial assistance especially from someone has no interest in having a relationship with
I managed on my own from age 22 and I had children to support, i would have been on my knees before I asked anyone for money.

[Darlink]

Stand firm.
Your dh has paid out far too much already.

[Niloufes]

Don't send money, send things. Ask him what exactly he needs. Food? Go get him a big shop. Car tax? go get it for him. Rent? Pay it directly for him. £1000 in cash for all of the above, no way... who knows where it will go.