MN spoke, I didnt send the expected Xmas Money and now I'm a..... (NC Yay or Nay)

[Backt0Black]

TOFFEE NOSED COW WHO SHOULDN'T FORGET WHERE SHE CAME FROM!!!!

Following on from my thread pre Christmas which a lot of you were lovely enough to comment on and return to seek updates.. (posted from DH's account hence diff name)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2802763-To-stop-sending-money-to-ungrateful-brats?pg=12

So - very possibly massively identifying but really past giving a toss now.

Update is ...was having 30 week scan yesterday and in the waiting room was subjected to a barrage of messages on my being this snotty nosed cow who needs to remember where she came from....AND..... DH 'needn't worry as I will soon send him back to where he came from' (he is mixed race... uncertain if DB was celever enough to make that joke??) WOW. I was reprimanded by DH for laughing too loudly at 'd' bros tantrum

So apparently this particular 'd'Bro is finished with me after 'all he has done for me' let me run you through the list.

• manipulated me into giving him cash on several occasions claiming it was 'for nappies' 'for school trips' .... it was for drugs
  
• took 7k from me to settle a drug debt from some really nasty types
  
• brought these types to my door looking for him when I lived alone (oh yes, I have lovely memories of 'where I came from')
  
• on release from jail lived in my house, in the master bedroom! with ensuite, walk in wardrobe and balcony like Lord of the bloody manor RENT FREE
  
• ate food I bought FOR FREE
  
• wore the clothes I bought him FOR FREE
  
• brought his GF round 'to clean' (I never asked??) while I was out. More like shag her all over the house..... found her underwear everywhere.. behind MY headboard, down the side of sofa etc! (surely just do it in your room or at her house?)
  

-said girlfriend started leaving toiletries in main bathroom like Lady of the Manor(DB's ensuite not good enough?) oh and fag ends in the loo where she'd clearly been smoking in the bath (lovely)
-brought drug-friends (sorry for this term to anyone actually seriously trying to tackle a substance issue) to where we live. this was the ONLY condition of his being allowed to stay. That he use the time to sort himself out and not bring that life to my door!

• either he / drug friends stole or aided in the theft of my company car!!!!! claims no involvement, amazing coincidence, given no through road, one way in / out, around half a mile of a public road in a tiny community of 5 properties. Hardly opportunist.
  
• let the dogs out for a wee while doing all of the above. AH - I SEE IT NOW, I'M IN THE WRONG AND SHOULD REALLY TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF.
  

So - my question MN'ers..... can I now just go completely NC? Clearly DB had major life issues and needs help, but I feel like I've come to the end of the line, and really have little left to give. ... and I wonder while I'm around will he never sort himself, always thinking he can fall back on me?

He has also very recently block deleted all facebook activity for the last 12 months (didnt know that was a thing!) so clearly theres something in the offing and he doesnt want police to see.

Well - that was a readathon, but I hate a dangler / dripper!

[Christmascheerful]

Your baby is gorgeous congratulations
You poor woman having to deal with that! Glad you've decided to go NC

I can't get past the fact you have a walk in wardrobe AND balcony #dreamhouse

All the best for the future

[HorridHenryrule]

My comment on that thread you started up was me thinking about the children. Fuck your brother of he is a racist swine. He didn't mind taking money of you and your husband. I hope your husband nuts him in his head when he sees him.

[LagunaBubbles]

Wise decision!

[ohtheholidays]

Stay NC OP my oldest brother(15 years older than me)has acted like a complete and utter dick to my parents for nearly all of his life and he never stopped when my DM was dying!

Sadly all of his adult children and his partner are just like him so I went NC with all of them about 5 years ago,honestly it was the best thing I have ever done,my Mum and Dad started admitting what he was like after I went NC with all of them and nearer the end my Mum never had much to do with them and my Dad doesn't really bother with any of them anymore and it's been 3 years since we lost my Mum.

They tried to cause issues because I went NC with them so I contacted the Police(they're fucking idiots I had lots of proof and my DH is in the Police Force)and they were brilliant so if he does start on you over social media,any threats,untrue accusations that could cause you problems or you have any more problems from his "friends" then please think about contacting the Police.

And congratulations on your pregnancy your baby is gorgeous.

[mogonfoxnight]

Your baby is gorgeous. I really think you should get this thread pulled though - too identifying. You definitely don't want more stress for you or the little one!

[BalloonSlayer]

I'd reply with something like "After all you have done 'for' me, I am absolutely delighted that you have promised not to do any more. Good luck with finding someone else to 'do things for.' "

[Carrados]

Just read your original thread. I reckon he was using the money for your DNS to by Christmas presents from him to them.

[JeepersMcoy]

Your brother sounds more and more like a copy of my own. It is so sad to hear how many people have similar experiences. All my brother did when my mother was dieing was phone and ask for money. Like yours he is an expert minipulator. He is very attractive and charismatic, incredibly intelligent. Just an absolute unadulterated arshole.

It took me a few years of no contact, but I recently realised that living with someone like that is living with an abuser. My brother is 7 years older and has always been big, so very intimidating. He made my childhood very difficult (violence, drug taking, stealing stuff to name a few), but because it was a brother rather than a parent I had never thought of it in that way. It sort of helped to acknowledge the impact he has had on me and realise that I basically grew up in an abusive household.

I would say cut contact, but also take some time for yourself and allow yourself to heal from these years of dealing with this man. It might take some time and can be hard, but it is worth it.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

Go nc you'll be well rid. One thing I'll say, don't let you ds know he has an uncle until he asks. My dc haven't a clue about their aunt (same as your brother pretty much). They know about their cousin (she's now in care). They're at an age where they don't think to question it. When they do, depending on how old the are, we'll tell them either the short version of the truth or the whole one.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

You did the right thing. He's really shown his true colours now. Leave him tomit. Ultimately he is the one who stands to lose, you only stand to gain from this.

[EuropeanSwallow]

I'll make a wild guess that your DB isn't on the shortlist of potential godparents for your (adorable btw) new baby.

Definitely NC. You're way better off without him in your life..um, I mean your DB not the baby.

[Benedikte2]

Op you are being very sensible. Re latest baby of DB that relationship probably won't last and you could make contact when DB no longer on the scene.
If I were you I couldn't wait to cuddle that sweet little Del- boy baby. Wish they'd had those 3D scans when I was pregnant.
Good luck

[HorridHenryrule]

MY children who are 12,10, 8 and 1 don't even know what their uncle looks like or their grand parents. Your loyalty is with your children and husband not your brother.

[KC225]

Alas, through way too much experience I have learned that these people (self absorbed arch manipulators) never have that light bulb moment where they actually remember all you have done for them. There is never a 'I can't ask again, they have done so much already'. However much you do or give, it is never enough. And if you withdraw the favours/money/ demands you are the bad guy.

You have done more than enough to get him back on his feet. This is his choice and dispite all your love, hope and patience he has shown you that cash is thicker blood.

You have been a good sister but now you need to draw a line under the drama. He is doing you a favour. Do you really want any of those listed scenarios near your baby? Concentrate on that gorgeous little one. Your brother is an adult and he needs to grow up.

Good luck Op.

[ShelaghTurner]

Your brother is a cuntpuffin and your little Del Boy is gorgeous. I really hope Derek is on the name list

[Backt0Black]

Lovely posters! some real truth nuggets.

.....He'll never see that he's a leech, he'll never stop asking for stuff, DH should 'nut' him (ha ha ha!) he IS a cuntpuffin (I'm going to insert this word into daily life... possibly even labour), DS will not be proactively introduced to or even told about him....... and sadly it seems there are a few like him about having a lend of fellow MN'ers.

to everyone dealing with similar shite.

...'Delboy' is most happy with his early MN fame and has delivered a few bladder stomps at all the compliments (oooof) x

[HaloOnFire]

Cuntpuffin. That is so going on the kitchen chalk board as word of the week.

With the benefit of age and grumpiness I tend to ask myself 'would I put up with this person as a friend?' Because family or not life is far too short.

Enjoy little del boy. Plan ahead for a rodney and live your life. Nobody needs or deserves that stress.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Op. You definitely need to take a long hard look at yourself and think about all the things your DB has done for you.
And then you need to walk (running probably being out of the question with Del Boy on board - very cute) as fast and as far as possible away from your brother. You will see you are rather lovely and he is user and disaster area who brings nothing but trouble to your door.

And don't let yourself get dragged back in.

[Sweets101]

Thread has probably moved on now but my DB is an alcoholic I dread to think how much of slowly killing himself i funded. When he turned up at the door with the means apparently to kill himself I said OK shut the door and called 999. Refused to give him anything but a safe place for his wife to stay. He's been sober 4 months, accepted the help/therapy offered to him and is doing great (so far, it's always tenuous, this is after years of fuckwittery)
We still get on great I love him to bits. I stopped aiding him in his adiction/slow suicide and support him in being the man he really is. He knows I love him.
You've done the right thing OP, I hope he comes to realise that. The most important thing to do for an addict is to say No.

[MammaTJ]

To the most important stuff first, I do not normally like the look of 3D scans but Delboy already looks incredibly huggable and adorable (and yes, like Delboy).

Now to less important matters (please follow my example and get your priorities straight), block your 'D'B in every way you can, be glad he has decided he is rid of you, rejoice!

Enjoy life free of his shit and hassle!

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

He's gone non contact with you so I don't think you need to feel any guilt or concern over blocking him on Facebook and on your phone.

I remember something I read on motherinlawstories.com

'I wish that I never have to see you again'
'Poof.....wish granted'
'I wish that you were back in my life, you owe me that, and money, and access to the children, and to do everything I tell you'
'Sorry. This fairy only grants one wish'.

[Hedgehogparty]

I read the earlier thread and I'm not surprised he's reacted this way. You sounded very generous but with people like him, nothing is good enough and the anger and resentment are always bubbling just under the surface.
His comments about your DH are vile and I hope you can now cut him totally out of your life.

[Starlight2345]

I read your other thread and seems you absolutely did the right thing not sending the money..

I love a baby scan pic and he should be the focus..Sounds like you have done more than enough to help DB,. Enjoy your little one stress free,

[OnTheUp13]

@BackToBlack I promise I was only joking

[Backt0Black]

How the heck can so many of us have people so similar?!?!? Its like maybe 1 in 10 just sit on their arse have a merry old time drinking / drug taking while some poor relative bankrolls it all.

Thanks again all for the confirmations and advice. You are all quite right - he did say he was going NC with me, so I shall grant him his wish and also close my wallet.

@OnTheUp13..... I know, but he is bloody funny