MN spoke, I didnt send the expected Xmas Money and now I'm a..... (NC Yay or Nay)

[Backt0Black]

TOFFEE NOSED COW WHO SHOULDN'T FORGET WHERE SHE CAME FROM!!!!

Following on from my thread pre Christmas which a lot of you were lovely enough to comment on and return to seek updates.. (posted from DH's account hence diff name)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2802763-To-stop-sending-money-to-ungrateful-brats?pg=12

So - very possibly massively identifying but really past giving a toss now.

Update is ...was having 30 week scan yesterday and in the waiting room was subjected to a barrage of messages on my being this snotty nosed cow who needs to remember where she came from....AND..... DH 'needn't worry as I will soon send him back to where he came from' (he is mixed race... uncertain if DB was celever enough to make that joke??) WOW. I was reprimanded by DH for laughing too loudly at 'd' bros tantrum

So apparently this particular 'd'Bro is finished with me after 'all he has done for me' let me run you through the list.

• manipulated me into giving him cash on several occasions claiming it was 'for nappies' 'for school trips' .... it was for drugs
  
• took 7k from me to settle a drug debt from some really nasty types
  
• brought these types to my door looking for him when I lived alone (oh yes, I have lovely memories of 'where I came from')
  
• on release from jail lived in my house, in the master bedroom! with ensuite, walk in wardrobe and balcony like Lord of the bloody manor RENT FREE
  
• ate food I bought FOR FREE
  
• wore the clothes I bought him FOR FREE
  
• brought his GF round 'to clean' (I never asked??) while I was out. More like shag her all over the house..... found her underwear everywhere.. behind MY headboard, down the side of sofa etc! (surely just do it in your room or at her house?)
  

-said girlfriend started leaving toiletries in main bathroom like Lady of the Manor(DB's ensuite not good enough?) oh and fag ends in the loo where she'd clearly been smoking in the bath (lovely)
-brought drug-friends (sorry for this term to anyone actually seriously trying to tackle a substance issue) to where we live. this was the ONLY condition of his being allowed to stay. That he use the time to sort himself out and not bring that life to my door!

• either he / drug friends stole or aided in the theft of my company car!!!!! claims no involvement, amazing coincidence, given no through road, one way in / out, around half a mile of a public road in a tiny community of 5 properties. Hardly opportunist.
  
• let the dogs out for a wee while doing all of the above. AH - I SEE IT NOW, I'M IN THE WRONG AND SHOULD REALLY TAKE A LOOK AT MYSELF.
  

So - my question MN'ers..... can I now just go completely NC? Clearly DB had major life issues and needs help, but I feel like I've come to the end of the line, and really have little left to give. ... and I wonder while I'm around will he never sort himself, always thinking he can fall back on me?

He has also very recently block deleted all facebook activity for the last 12 months (didnt know that was a thing!) so clearly theres something in the offing and he doesnt want police to see.

Well - that was a readathon, but I hate a dangler / dripper!

[Backt0Black]

Well - again the good people of MN have spoken. (I feel like you guys are co-culpable in #missingcashcow)

I really can't wrap my head around how he thinks being done with ME is a hammer blow. But, as you guys rightly say.... if he's pretty much saying NC I should grant him his wish

In better news - heres a pic of 'little man' for anyone also preg and maybe interested or excited about their upcoming scans...don't worry, not expecting any 'he's cute' replies' ...I know he looks like EVERY other baby. Though I do think he maybe has an air of Del-boy

[MummysMaison]

Awww that cute little nose

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Wow!

I'm not usually one to recommend going NC with family - but in your case I'll make an exception!

It sounds as though your life will be so much more relaxed without him "doing things for you".

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Aww, I'm neither pregnant nor ever planning to be again, but I love seeing people's scan pictures .

Congratulations!

[Monkeyface26]

Absolutely NC and don't underestimate the power of it either. DB is going out of his way to goad you. He is desperate to provoke a response & by going NC you are denying him the thing he wants. Your lack of engagement with their goading will be the most annoying, frustrating thing you could possibly do to them. Never feel that you are somehow copping out by ignoring them. Enjoy the power of your cold shoulder.

[mintthins]

He is beautiful OP. I've gone all gooey 🙃

[Backt0Black]

few quick replies.....

'how do I feel' ..... 5% sad, 90% 'yeah go on then DB', 5% apprehensive about what he'll do next.

'I am BU as he's quite entertaining in a sad way' ...he really is, all his capers always blow up tor come to nothing, but its too expensive being a spectator.

'I should still try and be there for the kids' this is true, once things have died down I will build some bridges with his ex-P so I'm in contact with the kids. The new child will be trickier as DB is with the Mother and I really want no part of him. Every time I let him in..in whatever initially small way.. I end up burnt.

[happynewyearchum]

Def got the Del Boy vibe going on! Love it.

Your brother is disgusting and you've done well putting up with him for so long.

[hungryhippo90]

Oh bless! Congratulations! Enjoy this time. How wonderful that the shits just falling away before your precious baby enters the world.

Forget that shit.... look at all the stuff you have to look forward to! X

[Backt0Black]

...thanks for the early shouts of 'awwww' for little my 'Del-boy' lookylikey. Rest assured I will be teaching him his manners early on and also never, never to loan or give any ££ to his uncle!

[BoffinMum]

Wow! lovely baby with more hair than Leo Sawyer!

[Dontstepinthecowpat]

Your scan is fab, how exciting!

I have also gone NC with a similar fantastic brother and honestly it is such a relief. I have spent 15 years of my life worrying about him and a number of these offering more support, emotionally and financially than I could afford. I have realised a lot of what I did was to take the pressure from my DF who has always stood by him. Coming to the realisation that he was going to put himself first and rely on me forever despite us personally giving him many chances (including employment and accommodation) to stand on his on two feet. My DF has taken the prodigal son back and I feel no guilt, that is between them.

I have made a promise that I will do whatever I can to prevent my DC ending up like their uncle. Wishing you and your family every happiness free from your toxic family member

[Pemba]

Are you going to reply at all? Maybe just 'LOL' and then block him?

He is delusional and people like this often take years to change and very often don't. And of course they don't really want to, it must be comforting to think that nothing is their fault, it is everyone else being mean to them!

[Clandestino]

Your little one is wonderful

Your brother on the other hand deserves to be quartered alive. What an arsehole. Go NC and don't worry?

[Clandestino]

That was supposed to be a dot.

[DearyDearyDeary]

Well done you. Time to focus on things to come!!

[HashiAsLarry]

Totally missed point of thread but can't help laughing at
DH 'needn't worry as I will soon send him back to where he came from'
and wondering if that's because you or not-so-D-B are immigration officers

Much love to little Delboy

[JeepersMcoy]

I have a very similar brother including the drugs, having people turning up at the house looking for debt money as a child, and spending time in jail. I went no contact some years ago when I just couldn't deal with his bullshit anymore. It was the fact that he could never acknowledge that his actions had any negative impact on others.

He stopped talking to my mum after she refused to pay his rental debts. She had just had to give up work due to having terminal cancer.

Ask yourself if you would have anything to do with this person if he wasn't your brother. Then ask yourself why you are dealing with him, handing him money even, just because of an accident of birth. You will be far happier and wealthier without him in your life.

[tribpot]

You realise all that 'Christmas money' was used for drugs? What other reason can there be for him phoning and phoning and phoning whilst you were at a meal, other than he was desperate for a fix?

And you're right, he will never sort himself out whilst he thinks he can fall back on taking from you. You're not to blame for his poor choices but to an extent you have been enabling them.

You needed to cut contact long ago. It might be worth looking at Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, which are the companion support organisations for the families of alcohol and drug addicts. When you cut off his supply of money for real he is likely to escalate his behaviour to try and get you back into line, and you will need support from people who understand how utterly manipulative addicts can be.

[Memoires]

I love his mouth - it's a really gentle mouth, made for smiling. Congratulations! He's cuuuuuute!

[AcrossthePond55]

Dat Hair!!! What a beautiful little boy!

You do realize that this was just DBro's opening 'salvo'. It was meant to bring you to your knees groveling to him whilst flinging wads of cash at him and his DCs.

Don't respond, go NC, and block him. I'm sure he'll be trying reestablish some type of contact (texts or PA Facebook posts about 'ungrateful people') meant to manipulate you into contacting him. Then it will be the flying monkeys (parents or other relatives) contacting you (after hearing his sob story) to find out why you've 'cut him out without cause' and 'how hurt he is'.

[Backt0Black]

Really good points made all round, and sad to hear, but thank you to all that have shared personal similar experiences, you have a sympathies.

picking out a few points ....

Absolutely no way would I entertain him if he wasnt my brother. I won;t from here on in, but would have ditched long ago if just a friend or acquaintance.

Will I reply? - replied with.... Alrighty just leave that there, don't contact me anymore. Deleted and blocked from FB. deleted from phone.

Immigration officers - hahahahaha!!! did make me chuckle.

Escalating behaviour - DF has just been diagnosed with cancer, DB thought this would be an 'in' (and was v likely an excuse to anyone that would listen for a huge binge) so he was messaging re that over Christmas. Ignored. He's really exhausted every bit of currency he has on the manipulation front. He has been quite the master extortionist. He played the overdose card once, ambulance the lot (was nowhere near OD level) he's played the 'turning himself round card' a few hundred times, and the suicide one maybe a dozen. Though I do worry on what on earth could be next ....

[Bettyspants]

Take ss of all communication but I would completely ignore and cut all ties. Tempting to invoice but I think you just risk making it worse for yourself...perhaps block the number. Bf all social media contact too

[Backt0Black]

Thanks for the additional lovely comments on 'Del-boy'.... just hope his life is full of smiles and less drama.... and he doesn't abuse his hair and make it all fall out like his Dad did (dreads, cornrows, bleach)

....... another quick reply.

Luckily the monkeys have flown. DM passed - DB made the last years of her life miserable with the sorts of people that banged on her door looking for her favourite son. DF is NC with him after suffering similar losses. Even his mates tell me to leave him to it ..... I was drinking a lot with it a long time ago, scared of who would knock at my door next and his mate said to me 'Black I wouldnt drink myself to death over him, and if I saw my sister doing it over someone like him I'd have something to say' ....and that was a friend of his. I wonder what bridges he has left to burn.

[TheySayIamparanoid]

Your baby is gorgeous! I love the 3d scans, they were too expensive the last time I was pregnant many years ago!