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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for all the drinks at my party?

105 replies

sailawaywithme · 07/01/2017 21:21

Hello, I have a milestone birthday soon and am having a party in a function room at a local pub. There will be around 70 guests. We have organized a buffet, and a birthday cake large enough for everyone to have a slice. We also have a (fantastic!) cover band playing.

My question is about the drinks. There is a full bar in the function room and we did not plan to pay for people's drinks, but a friend of mine sounded surprised when I said it was a cash bar and that guests would buy their own drinks.

Would you expect to have all your drinks paid for? I certainly wouldn't but I'm interested in others' views. To complicate things further, we are in the US and around half the guests are Americans, and half British. Although I expect the Brits to drink much more than the Americans 😀

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 08/01/2017 00:44

YANBU, its normal to have to buy your own drinks.
I think people only object when its £8 a shot Smile

DownWithThatSort0fThing · 08/01/2017 00:47

Hi OP

I read a thread on here recently about a wedding reception where people had to pay for their own hot drinks and it caused absolute fucking outrage. Yet the same people said they wouldn't mind paying for their own alcohol.

It seemed a lot had a level of expectation that non alcoholic drinks should be free, or you deserved to be shamed up

Spermysextowel · 08/01/2017 01:08

I've only been to 1 wedding (many years ago) when it was a free bar. I think some knew this so it took an age to fight through the crowd for service. So we decided that to save time we'd get doubles if we could get served. Then we looked cheap & it was awkward.
The other problem is that you have little knowledge of what you're actually paying for. There is no control re what has been consumed; you just have to take the venue's word for it. I'd say a drink on arrival, 1 white 1 red on the table & something to toast is less open to being ripped off.

HelenaGWells · 08/01/2017 01:30

I've been to lots of parties like this. I can't recall any where I didn't pay for my own drinks.

Charlottelouisa · 08/01/2017 10:07

How is it a 'party' then? You might as well just told people to meet u there for a drink. If I had a party , no one would be spending a penny, I thought that was the whole point of a party?!

EccentricPickle · 08/01/2017 10:14

I have never been to a function where I have not paid for my own drinks.

Every single wedding, birthday, Christening, funeral etc I have ever been to has been a paying bar. It always suprises me on MN when people go on about "getting pissed at the free bar". People must have really rich mates.

The only time I've been to something where drinks were already paid for was when the office I worked at was closing. We had a do and we all paid so much per person to hire a function room. Whatever was left went behind the bar, so technically I still paid - just not on the night!

TatianaLarina · 08/01/2017 10:23

Pay bars at funerals? That does deserve a special award for bad taste.

Charging people for coming to mourn.

GimmeeMoore · 08/01/2017 11:08

Going to a funeral and expecting free drinks?expecting the bereaved to pay,crass
It's a time for reflection,comtemplation not grubbing around for a free drink at funeral
Seems there is no occasion that isn't deemed opportunity for free drink wedding,funeral,birthday

user1476869312 · 08/01/2017 11:58

What on earth is wrong with a pay bar at a funeral wake? I don't know anyone who laid on free booze (and I have been to quite a few funerals) though most people have a buffet. It's part of the farewell process to have people get together somewhere after the actual service, sure, but funerals are expensive in themselves and very few people could afford to lay on drinks, especially if the deceased was popular.
And it is not remotely 'charging people to come and mourn' - they can do that at the funeral service and go home again, if they want to.

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 08/01/2017 13:18

I think as long as you tell people it ok so they don't go overboard on the presents .

TatianaLarina · 08/01/2017 13:26

It's the deceased's family who generally pay. But there's no reason to have expensive drinks or alcohol at all, it could be tea, coffee, squash.

There are only certain kinds of people who would see hospitality in terms of an 'opportunity for a free drink'. And they don't seem to have any idea how to behave.

littleme2016 · 08/01/2017 13:32

I have been to two 30th birthdays in the last two years. Both had a buffet and music provided, and a glass of prosecco on arrival.

After that it was up to everyone to buy their own drinks.

I wouldn't have expected anything different.

SpartacusWoman · 08/01/2017 14:36

If anything happened to dh or myself, paying for drinks for guests would bankrupt us.

You have no way of knowing how many people will be there until the actual event since funerals are not an invite only occasion, my Dads funeral saw over 100 people turn up, (not including family and close friends) seriously, I'd panic if there was an expectation that I'd buy all their drinks too because I wouldn't be able to afford it, especially after paying thousands for the funeral itself.

After the funeral we spent a bit of time chatting to people who had to keave for work etc so a lot of people made their wake before the immediate family, "to beat the traffic" fair enough, but by the time we got there they'd eaten over 90 percent of the buffet, God knows how much they'd have drunk in free booze too.

SenecaFalls · 08/01/2017 14:58

This thread does reveal some interesting differences in cultural norms. The notion of having people pay for drinks at a funeral reception has me clutching my imaginary pearls. But I have never been to one that was not in a private home, and often there is no alcohol served at all. When my mother died, we did serve wine, but I doubt that anyone had more than one glass.

TatianaLarina · 08/01/2017 15:45

There's no obligation to provide alcohol at a funeral.

I've been to ones which served tea - sandwiches and cake.

SallyGinnamon · 08/01/2017 15:47

I'd compromise and buy some wine and beer. When it's gone, or if people want spirits, they can go to the bar.

DH and the dad group tend to go to pubs where drinks are quite cheap. If there's a hotel party where the round costs 3-4 times the price it stings!

EuropeanSwallow · 08/01/2017 15:53

Also in USA. Yeah, the circles I move in, which are not particularly monied or swanky, cash bars are not the norm at personal parties, birthdays, anniversaries and weddings. At least beer, wine and soft drinks should be provided leaving those with stronger preferences to buy their own or I've been in to a couple where the first two drinks per guest were provided. Even then, while no one would say anything to the host, eyebrows do get raised. The thinking is that guests shouldn't be asked to open their wallets because it's a good host's duty to actually host i.e. provide food and drink for those they invite.

UK? Yeah, cash bars are prevalent even at weddings and funerals so no one would blink.

brasty · 08/01/2017 16:02

I have had a free bar at a funeral. But it was for a very elderly person, with only very close family and friends attending. I think everyone only had 1 or 2 drinks each.

Meluzyna · 08/01/2017 16:09

I'm in the US too and have never been to a wedding or significant party where we paid for our own drinks - it is customary here to provide the drinks

Me neither. It's the same here, and in Europe

I've been caught out by this a few times.... I have NEVER been to a party, wedding or funeral in France at which the guests have been expected to buy their own drinks..... so I often forget that things are done differently elsewhere.

When doing significant birthdays I provide food, aperitifs, soft drinks, wine, bubbly and hot drinks (tea, coffee). I think for OH's 40th I also did on tap beer.

When attending parties in the UK I need to remember to take money with me and once had to borrow some from my Mum as I was with French friends who didn't understand the concept at all as it wasn't what they are used to - and as they'd paid for flights, a hotel and taxis it seemed "cheap"(IMO) for my brother to expect them to buy their own drinks.

However, thinking it through, there does seem to be a significant cultural and financial difference because "drinks" at parties in France do not involve spirits. And you get 6 glasses out of a 6€ bottle of wine.

In the OP's case at the very least I'd go with a bottle of white and a bottle of red on each table, soft drinks provided and if anyone wants more they can get it from the bar.... so no one is actually forced to buy a drink if they don't expect to - but you are not paying for loads of people to get rat-arsed at your expense.

I was at an event recently where some guests fancied a classier bottle of wine than the host had provided so they got that from the barthemselves and paid for it - seems logical, but I would expect you to provide something for your guests to drink.

Original poster
sailawaywithme · 08/01/2017 17:50

Thanks again for all the comments. I've actually taken a quick straw poll of some American friends and (thankfully!) they all said they'd expect in a bar to buy their own drinks. We actually host parties at home on a pretty frequent basis and are particularly generous hosts (even if I say so myself!) but we've never hosted a party at a venue before. I suppose I consider it different from a wedding; there's no sit down meal and certainly no expectation of gifts, either.

We may give out a drink ticket to each attendee so they can have one drink on us, but I don't think we'll we going the route of covering all the drinks. Realistically this would add at least $2,000 to the bill, and I'm not sure I want to cover that.

OP posts:
WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es · 08/01/2017 18:03

I would expect to buy my own drinks, same as at a wedding. I've seen posts on MN where people say you should invite fewer people so you can pay for all the drinks, I think that's such a shame, a whole raft of people having to miss the whole thing because the inner circle expect free drinks all evening.

Claire7984 · 08/01/2017 18:28

I'd also expect to buy my own drinks if I went to someone's function wether it's bday or wedding.

Original poster
sailawaywithme · 09/01/2017 14:32

Thanks again. I took another straw poll and I think there isn't an expectation that we will pay for everyone's drinks. Thankfully!

OP posts:
DownWithThatSort0fThing · 09/01/2017 15:44

The very idea of a FREE BAR AT A FUNERAL is ghastly - absolutely bloody appalling.

It is so wrong to expect the close bereaved family to pay for everyone to get pissed. Furthermore this could seriously limit the amount of people that can be accommodated, as it could be unaffordable to have unlimited numbers - numbers would have to be kept down unless you had very deep pockets. Most funerals and wakes I have attended, there is not a definite number of who is attending like a wedding as it isn't an invitation only event - the word is put out and people come and pay their respects as they wish

This is a real sad state of affairs that people expect this, sad sad sad greedy and literally taking advantage of someone elses grief!!

SenecaFalls · 09/01/2017 15:51

All of the after funeral receptions that I have been to or held (for my father and mother's funerals) have been in private homes (I just remember that I have gone to several in church social halls). The idea of setting up a cash bar in your house (or God forbid, the church) for people to pay for drinks would be a breach of etiquette where I live (US Deep South) so great that it would probably be talked of for years. But then again, people where I live don't consume that much alcohol at a funeral.