Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for all the drinks at my party?

105 replies

sailawaywithme · 07/01/2017 21:21

Hello, I have a milestone birthday soon and am having a party in a function room at a local pub. There will be around 70 guests. We have organized a buffet, and a birthday cake large enough for everyone to have a slice. We also have a (fantastic!) cover band playing.

My question is about the drinks. There is a full bar in the function room and we did not plan to pay for people's drinks, but a friend of mine sounded surprised when I said it was a cash bar and that guests would buy their own drinks.

Would you expect to have all your drinks paid for? I certainly wouldn't but I'm interested in others' views. To complicate things further, we are in the US and around half the guests are Americans, and half British. Although I expect the Brits to drink much more than the Americans 😀

OP posts:

toldmywraath · 07/01/2017 22:04

I'm going to a friend's 70th birthday meal in a local hotel soon. She has in fact emailed all her guests to say there will be a welcoming fizz drink upon arrival & then we pay for any further drinks ourselves.( She is paying for a 3 course meal/coffee for all her guests.)

I was surprised that she felt it necessary to email & sort of apologise in advance for not buying all the drinks( as I totally would not expect her to buy/pay for all the drinks). In fact I offered to pay for my own meal & would expect to buy her a drink!

PUGaLUGS · 07/01/2017 22:05

I would expect to pay for my own drinks.

user1476869312 · 07/01/2017 22:07

I had a party in a pub for my 50th, laid on a buffet but guests paid for their own drinks. Perfectly standard in the UK.

NightTerrier · 07/01/2017 22:09

YANBU. I would expect to pay for my own drinks. It's your birthday celebration and you shouldn't be buying drinks for 70 odd guests. They should be buying drinks for you.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 22:09

I don't actually think it matters what the vast majority of us here think, if you care about what people think, you need to know what the people where you live think. I think you'll either have to do it your way and not care or brave up to asking a few of the people you're inviting what the norm is there.

Hope it's great fun!

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2017 22:10

At a party above a pub I wouldn't expect you to provide drinks. But I'd probably do a punch or even mulled wine at this time of year.

WyfOfBathe · 07/01/2017 22:14

From a UK perspective, YANBU.

But I would recommend posting on a US forum or asking some American friends, as even if 1/2 the guests are British everyone will be expecting you to follow American etiquette (that's assuming the Brits all live in US)

HappyFlappy · 07/01/2017 22:15

I would expect to pay for my own drinks, but a welcome drink provided by the host (or a drink of sparkling wine for a toast) is always lovely!

BackforGood · 07/01/2017 22:18

Agree with everyone else. In uk, would certainly expect to pay at the bar for whatever i wanted to drink, but if you are in the US, you might have to find out what the custom is where you are.

TheTrollinator · 07/01/2017 22:18

I'd expect to pay for my own drinks.

How are you inviting people? Perhaps you could mention on the invite that it's a pay bar then anyone who objects can stay away.

PavlovianLunge · 07/01/2017 22:20

I think putting money behind the bar for everyone to have a drink is a lovely idea, but... we went to a wedding where the B&G did this. A few people, realising this, were getting double rounds of doubles, and the money was gone before most people even had one drink.

Personally, I think that providing food, cake and entertainment is enough; drinks on top is potentially a huge additional expense, and one that you shouldn't feel obliged to commit yourself to.

Pallisers · 07/01/2017 22:22

I'm in the US too and have never been to a wedding or significant party where we paid for our own drinks - it is customary here to provide the drinks. I absolutely wouldn't expect this in UK or Ireland. But people don't tend to drink as much either.

I think in your situation, I would either go with your original plan or maybe buy some wine for the tables - maybe have a couple of bottles of white and red on each table with a carafe of sparkling water. Anything else people can pay for.

statetrooperstacey · 07/01/2017 22:24

I have never ever been to any private party or event and had a free bar. Many times there have been bottle of wine on the tables but anything else is paid for at the bar.
Also worth noting any time there has been free bottles of wine, even horrible wine, people have pretty much to a man got shit faced.
It's a combination of nerves, (loads of people you don't know) boredom, waiting for things to get going, waiting for food, and FREE WINE. But yes I suppose you will have to ask about local practices. Have a nice time.

moosechops · 07/01/2017 22:26

Buffet is more then enough I wouldn't expect a paid bar ever.

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2017 22:27

That's why punch or mulled wine is more cost effective.

I don't know what the standard price for a G&T or whisky and coke is in the US, but in London you could get a bottle of wine for that.

And for punch you're watering down spirits with a lot of fruit juice etc.

girlelephant · 07/01/2017 22:29

I wouldn't expect a free bar as it's far too expensive! But if you could afford it I would purchase an arrival drink for everyone which. Though not obligatory just a nice to have

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2017 22:30

I'm in the US too and have never been to a wedding or significant party where we paid for our own drinks - it is customary here to provide the drinks

Me neither. It's the same here, and in Europe.

A cash bar seems to be a class thing in the UK.

However that doesn't include parties above pubs, which are slightly different.

Catsize · 07/01/2017 22:37

I tend to have parties in places other than pubs so I can afford to buy alcohol for guests.
Having said that, a vivid memory of my wedding is a friend complaining about the price of the drinks at the venue (a posh hotel where we had paid for welcome drinks, canapés and a 4 course meal with wine).

andintothefire · 07/01/2017 22:41

I agree that you should try to make it clear in advance that there will be a pay bar but that food will be provided. It wouldn't bother me, and I think it is very sensible not to provide free drinks all night. I also prefer choosing my own wine rather than having the mediocre bottles that are often served! However, money can be tight for some people and it just might affect their decision whether to come or not. I have friends who are struggling and who might be embarrassed to explain that they are not drinking because they can't afford it, particularly if they didn't realise there would only be a pay bar.

Personally I would pay for an arrival or toast drink for everybody if possible. I think it is a nice gesture and perhaps sets the atmosphere of you welcoming people to the party that you are hosting. However, I definitely don't think people will mind if you don't provide anything on arrival.

Have fun!

SpartacusWoman · 07/01/2017 22:44

Id expect I'd be buying my own, I wouldn't need to be informed first either, I would have thought everyone would assume they buy their own drinks if the invite didn't mention a free bar?

Buying one drink for all your guests is a lovely idea, but like a pp said, some people take the piss and where they'd have half a lager when spending their own money, they grab double spirits when it's yours and depending on how many guests you have, one drink for all of them could end costing you several hundred pounds. Fuck that, if it's your birthday they can buy you a drink :)

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2017 22:48

I'm in the US and I'd say it's 50/50 paid vs cash bar depending on the 'financial state' of the people throwing the party and the venue. Most of the time it's been a champagne toast and then beer and wine provided but you pay for your own 'hard liquor' drinks.

andintothefire · 07/01/2017 22:51

Re weddings - it has been about 10 years since I went to a wedding that had a pay bar (and I am in the UK). However, private parties in bars or pubs are very different and quite often drinks are not provided at all.

Not that there is anything wrong with a pay bar at a wedding - I just mention this because in my experience they have been less common in the last few years. I wonder if it is because I have noticed a trend towards having weddings somewhere more unusual than a hotel (thus needing to hire caterers, bar staff, mixologists etc) so it is easier to avoid extortionate hotel bar costs and control the drinks provided.

Maverickismywingman · 07/01/2017 22:51

People pay for their own drinks.

ExcellentWorkThereMary · 07/01/2017 22:53

I've never been to a birthday party where the drinks were paid for. If there is a bar I'd always assume I'm buying my own, wouldn't even cross my mind that I wouldn't!

GimmeeMoore · 07/01/2017 22:54

Of course I'd pay for my own drinks and it's nice op has put on a free spread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5