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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for all the drinks at my party?

105 replies

sailawaywithme · 07/01/2017 21:21

Hello, I have a milestone birthday soon and am having a party in a function room at a local pub. There will be around 70 guests. We have organized a buffet, and a birthday cake large enough for everyone to have a slice. We also have a (fantastic!) cover band playing.

My question is about the drinks. There is a full bar in the function room and we did not plan to pay for people's drinks, but a friend of mine sounded surprised when I said it was a cash bar and that guests would buy their own drinks.

Would you expect to have all your drinks paid for? I certainly wouldn't but I'm interested in others' views. To complicate things further, we are in the US and around half the guests are Americans, and half British. Although I expect the Brits to drink much more than the Americans 😀

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 07/01/2017 22:55

If you invite people to celebrate your birthday surely you cover food and drinks? I'm uk btw and no way are my guests paying for a party for me Confused

GimmeeMoore · 07/01/2017 22:59

Reading mn,I've become aware a fair few have a graspy expectations of freebies
Expecting Free drinks at any social do,and openly critical if freebies not forthcoming
Why are some folk unable to attend a wedding/socIal do without expecting free booze

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2017 23:03

Reading mn,I've become aware a fair few have a graspy expectations of freebies

What you see as 'graspy expectations' is basic good manners in some backgrounds. The phrase itself speaks volumes.

Pallisers · 07/01/2017 23:06

Reading mn,I've become aware a fair few have a graspy expectations of freebies
Expecting Free drinks at any social do,and openly critical if freebies not forthcoming
Why are some folk unable to attend a wedding/socIal do without expecting free booze

The OP is in the US. There are different expectations among different groups here. Nothing graspy about it. No one would refuse to attend a social event with a cash bar but it is fair enough to tell the OP that many people would think it different. And it is probably different because most weddings and social events aren't incredible booze-ups. A lot of the time people have a glass of wine with dinner, maybe two and that is it.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 23:07

I would not expect a free bar no, and wouldn't care either way, but would say friends who have had parties normally put a certain amount behind the bar, like 1k or whatever and when it's run out it switches to paid bar.for seventy guests that would be prob a couple of drinks each. If it was pay from the start I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

GimmeeMoore · 07/01/2017 23:10

Frankly,good manners is the ability to turn up,be cordial,mingle and not get vexed by bar arrangements
And not get distracted by perceived etiquette and should do's of a social event
I've been to free bar,cash bar,no bar events.and central to it all is the enjoyment of the host

bunnylove99 · 07/01/2017 23:15

I don't know about protocol in The States. Here I would expect the host to pay for the first drink, then a paid bar for rest of the evening. But by same token, if you, as the host, pay for everyone's 1st drink, your guests should be buying you drinks for rest of the evening! Enjoy!

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2017 23:16

Then you have as much to learn about manners as you do about punctuation...

GimmeeMoore · 07/01/2017 23:17

Well,no you see I wouldn't be so boorish as to bring up post composition...

Original poster
sailawaywithme · 07/01/2017 23:19

Thanks for all of your thoughts, although now I'm wondering if we do need to put money behind the bar. I'm going to talk to my husband and maybe to a couple of other friends too.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 07/01/2017 23:19

Apparently boorish enough to make gauche remarks and charge your friends for refreshments at a wedding.

LeopardIsTheNewBlack · 07/01/2017 23:25

I've lived in the US for the past 19 years, worked as an event planner and attended plenty of events and parties. If this was a wedding I would say you need to offer drinks considering most guests give a cash gift that covers their food and drink, but for a birthday you do NOT need to cover drinks.
In NYC people often celebrate birthdays in a restaurant (rather than at home) and you are expected to not only pay for your meal and drinks but chip in to cover the birthday boy or girl too.
What you have arranged sounds really lovely and generous, and I'm sure everyone is fine paying for their own drinks.

GimmeeMoore · 07/01/2017 23:25

I've never personally hosted a wedding.im not married
I have hosted events,were all food,refreshments,alcohol was paid for.oh and I put on transport too
I have attended cash bar,free bar, and no bar events, I go with whatever host provides

LockedOutOfMN · 07/01/2017 23:29

I would expect drinks to be paid for by the host. I wouldn't abuse that hospitality.

SenecaFalls · 07/01/2017 23:30

I'm in the Southern US. Where I live the hosts would be expected to provide drinks, but there may be different expectations where you are OP. It's a big country with lots of regional and cultural differences in entertaining etiquette.

glitterazi · 07/01/2017 23:31

I'm in the UK. Been to loads of birthday parties, and never expected a free bar where the drinks were paid for at all. That's totally not the norm from what I've ever known.
You hire the venue, pay for the entertainment and the buffet, and everyone pays for their own drinks.

GimmeeMoore · 07/01/2017 23:34

So despite some of the more aerated posts seems there's no norm uk or USA
I think given op has put on food,entertainment,venue she's done well

Rainbunny · 07/01/2017 23:35

Sorry, another one who has never seen a cash bar at an American hosted party event. Maybe have a bar with a limit and when it's reached guests will have to pay for extra drinks.

MollyHuaCha · 07/01/2017 23:37

I went to a similar party recently. I must admit, I was pretty stunned that there was a paying bar! But I certainly didn't show my surprise. I took along a really decent gift for which I haven't been thanked by letter/email/text... I guess I am behind the times Shock

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/01/2017 23:46

I would probably expect there to be some drink provided, but would not be put out if it was a cash bar and I was told in advance.

I agree with a previous poster that you have to know your guests well to be confident that putting money behind the bar will work well. If there are people who chance their arm then you may well find it a poor use of your resources. I'd be more likely to provide a welcome cocktail per person or a glass of wine/pint of beer/orange juice and then anything else would be cash bar.

Xmasbaby11 · 07/01/2017 23:49

I'd expect to pay for my own drinks.

I think it's generous to provide food and entertainment. I've been to a 40th which was a disco with nothing provided in terms of food and drink.

TheFuckitBuckit · 08/01/2017 00:12

Have never been to a celebration where drinks have been provided.
It is always expected that you will pay your own.

On occasion when a retainer has been put behind the bar have witnessed that once people realise this, they start necking their drinks to make sure they can down as many as possible before the retainer runs out.

Same at weddings with table wine. Last wedding we went to (bil & sil) people were hiding the wine under the tables, then scooting round other tables to pinch unattended bottles that still had some wine in them.
One young woman (late teens, early twenties) was bragging she was hammered but hadn't actually brought any money! Classy!!!! Hmm

cocopopsrock · 08/01/2017 00:18

I would expect to pay for my own drinks, but be careful.. the term' ash bar' in my experience means that the drinks are paid for.
Also, is your friend American? Because the yanks would probably expect to have the drinks paid for them!

cornflowerblu · 08/01/2017 00:34

I wouldn't expect to pay for drinks so I'd probably be a bit surprised to pay. The norm here, certainly for 40ths and older is that all wine, prosecco, beer and a choice of 2 different cocktails is provided and if people want spirits they pay for them. I can't recall a time where we had to pay for drinks but appreciate that generally our friends are a) relatively affluent and b) not huge drinkers

lottieandmia · 08/01/2017 00:37

YANBU - it's extremely rare for bars to be paid for these days even at weddings. I've only been to one wedding where this happened.

It's entirely reasonable to expect people to pay for their own drinks. Otherwise you could find yourself landed with a limitless bill running into the thousands.

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