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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you go to sleep whilst looking after a one year old they may as well be unattended?

100 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 07/01/2017 11:18

Dh rarely looks after the children on his own. Both of them together almost never. Consequently I've had no time to do anything since dd was born and she's just turned one. She is absolutely into everything so can't be left in a room on her own even for a minute because she has all the drawers open, climbs on the sofa, finds some tiny object and tries to eat it etc.

Over Christmas one afternoon I asked dh to keep an eye on the children (ds is 7 so not such a hazard to himself) whilst I did some laundry and sorted a few things out. Ds appeared about ten minutes later asking for a snack and said his dad was asleep. Sure enough went bsck down and dh asleep on the sofa, dd thankfully playing rather than trying to injure herself.
Woke him up but then didn't feel comfortable leaving them with him again. I mean I've had no sleep for a year but I manage to stay awake!

Last night I was cooking dinner and again asked dh to have dd in the living room with him as she was all round my feet in the kitchen and I was worried something would get tipped on her or I'd fall over her. Literally five minutes later I hear ds shouting 'no dd!' Go back in and dh is asleep and dd has got the back off the remote control which she's taken out of the drawer and has the batteries out of it.
I feel I can't leave them with him because he just goes to sleep! He manages to stay awake to watch the football or tv in the evenings. He reckons he'd have woken up if something had been wrong but it would have been too late then wouldn't it. I won't leave them with him again but it's making life very difficult. Well ds is ok he doesn't need constant supervision. I won't leave dd with him though. I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her.

Aibu to think they may as well be on their own if you're just going to go to sleep?

OP posts:

Bananabread123 · 07/01/2017 15:53

If nothing else you are setting a really bad example for your children.

Very true... it will just perpetuate. Why are you allowing his to happen... especially having more children with him!

MyWineTime · 07/01/2017 17:06

This morning I took the bin out and then got distracted and forgot to put a new binliner in so I guess it is half my fault but when I went in the kitchen after dh had gone out he'd just put his rubbish on the floor next to the bin, rather than put a new liner in it. Sign.
Oh FFS!!
You're right, it is a sign - fucking huge sign over your head saying "doormat" and one over his saying "lazy arse"
I just could not live with that level of utter wank behaviour.
He puts rubbish on the floor - you take the blame for it - fuck that!!

If nothing else you are setting a really bad example for your children.
Yes I totally agree with this.

Dutch1e · 07/01/2017 17:45

It must be incredibly disappointing for a 7 yr old to have a few precious minutes of time alone with dad only for sperm donor dad to fall asleep.

I'm going to assume that your DH isn't a lazy twunt or a cocklodger and is just a bit clueless and offer this advice:

Sit him down and say very clearly that he is not parenting well.
That the weight of being a sole parent to 3 children (1 grown 2 little) is too much for you and you've begun to think about leaving
That if he wants to keep the family together it's time to learn some parenting skills.
He can begin with the 7 yr old: laying out uniforms, school runs before work and pickups when DH is on holiday from work (I'm assuming he's a 9-5 Mon-Fri worker), helping with homework, general chatting so he can get to know his son, packing lunch, making breakfasts, handling the logistics of sleepovers/birthdays/friend-visits.
After that he can move on to the logistics of running a house: laundry, meal prep, bill-paying, cleaning
Next is a full Saturday with both kids. This can become a routine.

If he's not shocked by your resentment and open to change then you have the information you need.

Good luck

ChocolateWombat · 07/01/2017 18:06

I broadly agree with Dutch.

Do not just accept that he is/has been crap - address the issue.

Sit down and have a very clear conversation saying you need and expect him to get involved more in parenting and looking after the kids. Tell him he is capable of doing it and that as their father it is his role to be more involved with them and also you need some time away from them. Say that you want to agree a starting point, recognising that going from nothing to lots isn't viable, but that over time you want him to do a reasonable amount. Discuss a starting point - perhaps 2 hours when you will go out at the weekend. Say you will go through anything which needs to happen/routines so he knows what is usual and needed.

And make sure you go out when it is his slot. And trust him to do it....he is capable. And if you are out, he will have to look after the baby.

OP! TBH I think you have to take some responsibility for allowing 7 years to pass and this situation to have developed. I know a number of families with similar situations. Often the man works long hours and the woman does most of the childcare. Sometimes the woman has been a bit of a control freak and not allowed the man to be involved or to look after the kids alone and the man has lost confidence. Sometimes they are just lazy and think that because they work long hours the whole weekend is their personal time for doing whatever they like. I have also known men who were basically scared to look after more than one of their kids at a time and felt they couldn't manage. Mainly this came from the fact they didn't do it when they were little and again, that they didn't really know the routines, responses to behaviour and so felt out of their depth, especially if the kids misbehaved or wanted their mum.

I think Dads must take some responsibility for parenting and must give the mums time away from the kids. It is important that when mums do most of the parenting that they make sure their DH/partner is able to do the parenting and gets a chance to do it. Mums, don't believe that only you can do it. Don't withhold key info about routines, discipline, how you handle meal times etc. Trust in your partners and their ability to carry out childcare to their own kids.....do t always hang around, commenting, criticising or undermining......go out and leave them to it, because even a Dad who has had 7 years without doing it will learn given the chance....just make sure they get the chance.

TheSparrowhawk · 07/01/2017 18:23

You know he's not actually falling asleep right? That he's deliberately putting the baby in danger to punish you for daring to expect him to look after his own child why you clean his house?

MrsMattBomer · 07/01/2017 18:57

Maybe he's just naturally like that. I know my kids are - they both will sleep as soon as their head touches any form of pillow or soft furnishing!

ineedaholidaynow · 07/01/2017 19:02

OP says he manages to stay awake whilst watching the football or tv in the evening. And that doesn't excuse him from putting rubbish in a bin!

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 19:02

That's a bit odd MrsMattBomer. If your child's head touches a soft furnishing they fall asleep? I would be concerned about that it I were you and maybe get it checked out with the gp.

Caterina99 · 07/01/2017 19:22

I just left my 18 month old for a long weekend with DH while I was away having fun with mates (DH had a weekend away a few months ago). I had a few worries as to how he'd manage in that they'd both be in pjs all day and only eat chicken nuggets, but I wasn't remotely concerned for DSs safety! Clearly I'm lucky as its seen as normal in my circles for dads to interact with their kids and be as capable as mums. And I'm a sahm so we do have a traditional household set up where I do majority of childcare and housework and DH works. Your DH is a waste of space

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 07/01/2017 19:26

Maybe he's just naturally like that. I know my kids are - they both will sleep as soon as their head touches any form of pillow or soft furnishing!

Um, then surely a responsible adult in charge of a child who knows they do that would make the decision to not lie down?

Or are we going with men just being big kids really and responsibility being wifework?

Minivaperviper · 07/01/2017 19:28

I ltb for a very simular thing except I wasnt at home and he was caught out by visitors. Long story but it was a couple hours before they got access to the house while he was still asleep.

Yes people can leave a child for a moment in a room but if you have handed that responsibility to an able adult and you aren't going to be on watch while you are doing your stuff then they should be awake!

1yr old is too young and people don't have this supposed sixth sense of something going wrong when they are sleeping.

I still check my able 6yr old is OK when she is in another room. Age old if it's quiet it's suspect.

Your partners a twat.

MsJudgemental · 07/01/2017 19:34

What Dutch said. Time for him to grow up or get out. Fathers shouldn't be 'looking after' their children, they should be taking equal responsibility to parent.

poghogger · 07/01/2017 19:51

My dh can and does nod off anywhere, but somehow he manages to stay awake when looking after our 14m old when I have to work at the weekend.

MrsJayy · 07/01/2017 19:55

You had to arrange with your husband to look after the baby so you could put a washing on and he then fell asleep and you have been living with an incompetent dad for 7+ years why?

deadringer · 07/01/2017 20:04

Your dh is a lazy arse. I would leave the dc with him a lot more often and keep checking on them. If he falls asleep poke him awake til he gets the message.

Jux · 07/01/2017 20:08

What scruffy said.

And you will never find a man who will take responsibility and cherish you as long as you are stuck with one who doesn't.

marciagetscreamed · 08/01/2017 07:01

Scruffy great post.

Anatidae · 08/01/2017 07:27

This is called strategic incompetence. I'll do it so badly you won't ask me again.

Time for a serious chat. He pulls his weight - is it. It 'helping out' - they are his kids and he needs to parent equally. He needs to parent equally or get out. Right now you have an extra manchild to look after, which is about the least attractive thing there is. Men are capable of doing all the parenting stuff bar pregnancy birth and breastfeeding. And they are capable of doing is just as well as women.
Your husband is a lazy, controlling disrespectful git. Lots of men aren't. Maybe find one who isn't

thecatsarecrazy · 08/01/2017 09:00

I asked dh if he could watch our son once while I got through a pile of ironing, think he was about 2and a half at the time. Sure he says I will take him upstairs with me.
When I finished and was carrying clothes up the stairs a smell of talcum powder hit me. "d"h had done no more than put ds in his room, shut stair gate and left him, he got talc out the changing bag and had thrown it everywhere, dh had been sat on his arse on computer the whole time.

BabychamSocialist · 08/01/2017 15:59

It does sound like strategic incompetence - you need to make him get his act together.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/01/2017 16:21

He reckons he'd have woken up if something had been wrong

Too late. His baby had the batteries out of the remote control - tell him to google what happens to kids who swallow batteries, it's awful to read but he needs a shock.

He's doing it deliberately; tell him he bucks his ideas up or he'll have to be awake eow to watch his DC wether he likes it or not...

SpartacusWoman · 08/01/2017 16:45

OP, you don't need to be jealous of women who live with men who look after children, you don't need to be with one who leaves it all to you.

He's doing it because you are letting him do it, by saying its partly your fault for not putting a liner in the bin you're excusing him for being disrespectful, and by refering to men who parent their DC as "helping" it gives the impression that you also view the children as the wife's work.

If all your friends are with lazy men too then I can understand why you think it's the norm, even why you'd blame yourself and I do get why it would be hard to pull him up if your support network will the DC care is your job and he's just a man bless him etc etc, but you really really don't have to put up with it, and as long as you keep putting up with it and picking up his share of parenting for him, he will keep doing it. Doesn't paint the picture of a loving Dad or Husband.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 08/01/2017 17:25

cathf I don't think people are trying to be smug when they give examples of how parenting works in their home, I think it's usually to try and make the OP understand that their DH/DP is not just typical and it's not the way that all fathers behave. OP has said herself that he's about average when compared to get friends' partners, so it's probably a good thing that PPs have countered that by offering examples of the way their DHs and DPs behave. It's not just something to put up with, it can be (and is for most people) different to what the OP is experiencing.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 08/01/2017 17:25

*when compared to their friends' partners

JustSpeakSense · 08/01/2017 18:03

I agree with the poster upthread that said you need to leave them with him, he is their father and an adult.

Leave him in charge and go out somewhere.

You are always there if something goes wrong, you are the safety net, he is so confident that you will keep order that he literally falls asleep on duty.

You need to make him be responsible, this will give you a breakdown.

(Also, sounds like you need to better childproof your home, you need at least one room in the house she can explore safely)

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