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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you go to sleep whilst looking after a one year old they may as well be unattended?

100 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 07/01/2017 11:18

Dh rarely looks after the children on his own. Both of them together almost never. Consequently I've had no time to do anything since dd was born and she's just turned one. She is absolutely into everything so can't be left in a room on her own even for a minute because she has all the drawers open, climbs on the sofa, finds some tiny object and tries to eat it etc.

Over Christmas one afternoon I asked dh to keep an eye on the children (ds is 7 so not such a hazard to himself) whilst I did some laundry and sorted a few things out. Ds appeared about ten minutes later asking for a snack and said his dad was asleep. Sure enough went bsck down and dh asleep on the sofa, dd thankfully playing rather than trying to injure herself.
Woke him up but then didn't feel comfortable leaving them with him again. I mean I've had no sleep for a year but I manage to stay awake!

Last night I was cooking dinner and again asked dh to have dd in the living room with him as she was all round my feet in the kitchen and I was worried something would get tipped on her or I'd fall over her. Literally five minutes later I hear ds shouting 'no dd!' Go back in and dh is asleep and dd has got the back off the remote control which she's taken out of the drawer and has the batteries out of it.
I feel I can't leave them with him because he just goes to sleep! He manages to stay awake to watch the football or tv in the evenings. He reckons he'd have woken up if something had been wrong but it would have been too late then wouldn't it. I won't leave them with him again but it's making life very difficult. Well ds is ok he doesn't need constant supervision. I won't leave dd with him though. I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her.

Aibu to think they may as well be on their own if you're just going to go to sleep?

OP posts:
KeyserSophie · 07/01/2017 12:50

I am envy of people with partners who help.

It's not helping. It's being a fully functioning human being. You have kids. You look after them.

When both parents are at home, there shouldn't be a "default" as to who is looking after them.

Soubriquet · 07/01/2017 12:51

It also shows he has absolutely no respect for you or your home

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 12:51

Partners who help?

Blimey OP you need to raise your standards. A partner should be just that. An equal. Not a 'helper'.

ScruffyTheJanitor · 07/01/2017 12:52

OP.

You need to alter this thought process. Totally.

Your OH isn't there to 'Help' ypou do any damn thing.
Taking out rubbish is not 'your' job, its not you doing it and him lending a hand. That's fucking bollocks. Taking the rubbish is a house task that should be doine by either when its needed.

Raising children isn't ypour job that he helps you with. Listen carefully...
HE IS 50/50 RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING THEM, HES 50/50 RESPONSIBLE FOR RAISING THEM
so how can he 'help' you when its his job he should be doing in the first place? Answer: he can't.

So now you may say,
"Oh well he's a good provider"
Change that thought too.
Think,
He's capable of working, holding down a job, driving a car, organising commutes, lunches and everything that goes with that.
So why does this perfectly capable in the work place person suddenly become incapable at home?
BECAUSE YOU WONT SACK HIM
At work, if hes a lazy fucking prick, he gets sacked, at home, when he's a lazy useless fuckwit cunt, all that happens is...... You do it..... Hmm

Spell it out. In no uncertain terms.
50/50 split is the norm. If he can't achieve that, you will find a partner that can.

Ncbecauseitshard · 07/01/2017 12:55

So he sees you as a slave? Because who puts rubbish on the floor indoors? Let alone when there is a 1 year old around.
Totally disrespectful.

ScruffyTheJanitor · 07/01/2017 12:55

FWIW... I'm a SAHD.
I know that any man is just as capable to be a pare t as any woman.
The only difference is that some men are allowed to be lazy cunts.
"Oh but you're better at it than me love"
Should only ever be met with ,
"Then you need more practice, get on with it"

GloGirl · 07/01/2017 12:55

He is not normal and out of the male parents I know your DH is much worse than average. Don't let the general chatter about 'useless men' let yourself put up with being treated like a mug.

Ilovecaindingle · 07/01/2017 12:56

Tell him you quit the job of being HIS MOTHER and she can have him back. .
You have 2kids already....

123bananas · 07/01/2017 12:57

Read him the riot act!

Show him this and this. The second video is upsetting, child being strangled by a blind cord with the non-sleeping parent in the same room, child survived. Just two examples of what can happen when you are not paying attention and you don't baby proof adequately. He should be able to stay awake for 5 minutes or like someone else said he can do the chores whilst you watch dd.

I had a climber, at 8 months she managed to get onto the dining table (climbed onto chair then table) and the window sill. I bought a playpen, she could climb out of the cot, but not the playpen. If she is a houdini the other option is to completely baby proof a room with a taller baby/dog gate on the door so she can't escape, you can leave her safely in there with the baby monitor on. Once the playpen didn't hold dd2 that was the only other option. Doesn't help with the useless DH problem, but might help you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2017 13:02

You do the bins as well Shock. Even men, who don't look after their kids much usually understand the bins and recycling are their job.

This sounds like a 1950's set up.

user1480946351 · 07/01/2017 13:02

He's at fault, sure. But your post positively reeks of martyrdom. Have you got yourself into that classic situation whereby you tell everyone you need to do everything yourself because no-one can come close to you and your standards, so other people (your DH) don't even bother trying?

Ellapaella · 07/01/2017 13:05

It most certainly isn't the norm. I have always left my DH responsible for the DC right from day 1. From the day they were born I would leave him in charge of them while I went for a sleep, went for a run or out with friends etc. I went back to work both times when they were 9 months old and he had to look after them himself because I often did shift work and worked weekends. He is more than capable and in many ways better than me, he never seems to get stressed by the screaming terrible twos or by the difficult stages that your DD is going through now. And my friends are mostly the same - I've had a few days out with friends and even weekends away and none of them have worried about leaving the DC with the father. Personally I'd find it hard to want to remain in a relationship with a man like your dh, what's the point? What does he bring to the family table? The kids won't enjoy or respect him in the future if he is so uninvolved.

Gillian1980 · 07/01/2017 13:10

yanbu.

You can't leave a kid that age unattended, they can hurt themselves or damage something in seconds. Not their fault, they just don't know any better.

I'd be really cross if dh went to sleep while he was responsible for watching our dd.

Dd is 17 months and is never left unattended at all. There's always one of us with her just keeping an eye.

Finola1step · 07/01/2017 13:11

Bloody hell, it just gets worse.

"Wifework" by Susan Maushart would be a good book for you Skatingonthinice

DrLockhart · 07/01/2017 13:13

Agree with cath these threads go one of 3 ways.

Op - you have enabled the behaviour that's he's displaying. He thinks he's doing a favour "baby sitting" and so you need to sit down and discuss with him expectations that you have.

You're not his mother, call him out on the bin bag thing NOW! As these things happen, tell him it is disrespectful don't let it happen.

I'd also show him this thread.

user1471596238 · 07/01/2017 13:21

I am a SAHD too and I concur.

Oysterbabe · 07/01/2017 13:26

I have a 1 year old and DH often has her for the whole day on his own since I went back to work. It has been wonderful for his confidence as a parent and also their relationship, she absolutely adores him. I think you need to arrange some regular time for the 2 of them. Maybe on a Saturday afternoon he can take them out to soft play or the park, somewhere he can't sleep, and you can have some time to yourself.

HelsBels5000 · 07/01/2017 13:29

What a useless cocklodger - get rid!

thenightsky · 07/01/2017 13:48

It's not about him 'helping', its about him doing equal to you... if that make sense?

StrangeLookingParasite · 07/01/2017 14:47

He sounds as useless as tits on a bull. And yes, if he falls asleep while they're up and about he might as well not be there.

Joanna0685 · 07/01/2017 15:05

Maybe a playpen for dd, so she can't reach anything dangerous. DS sounds fine to be left in another room. Also maybe a baby monitor if you are upstairs doing things, how do you shower wash your hair?

poghogger · 07/01/2017 15:21

Also maybe a baby monitor if you are upstairs doing things, how do you shower wash your hair?

I bring my 1yr old into whatever room I'm in and let them amuse themselves or talk/sing to them while I get on with stuff. It does make things slower though.

anothermalteserplease · 07/01/2017 15:33

He sounds extremely lazy when it comes to parenting and housework. Do you get any time to yourself? I couldn't cope with that at all.
It's not the norm here and amongst my friends I don't know of any dads who act so incompetent when it comes to keeping their children safe. And that's what it comes down to.
I have an almost 1 year old who is in to everything. I have a playpen which I use when I'm in the shower etc. He hates it and spends the time trying to scale it to escape but needs must sometimes.

Crunchymum · 07/01/2017 15:36

Your DH sounds like a right lazy twunt.

You leave kids in same room as him and within a few minutes he nods off? WTAF?

ineedaholidaynow · 07/01/2017 15:39

Dads in our friendship group are just as hands on as the mums are.

DH and I were both as clueless as each other when DS was born Blush We both had to learn and muddle through together.

And although I have worked part-time and been a SAHM at various times since having DS, DH has done his fair share of housework. Your DH's behaviour is not and should not be the norm.

His attitude might have been the norm a generation or two ago. I remember both my DM and DGM being horrified when they first saw DH change DS's nappy, but they soon accepted that this was normal and both were quite jealous that it wasn't the norm when they had babies.

I find it very sad that there are men who still have this attitude. Does your DH do any housework, caring for the children? If he falls asleep whilst you are cooking, doing the laundry, get him to do that while you keep an eye on the children. If nothing else you are setting a really bad example for your children. Will your DS be able to lounge around whilst your DD helps with chores when she is older?