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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you go to sleep whilst looking after a one year old they may as well be unattended?

100 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 07/01/2017 11:18

Dh rarely looks after the children on his own. Both of them together almost never. Consequently I've had no time to do anything since dd was born and she's just turned one. She is absolutely into everything so can't be left in a room on her own even for a minute because she has all the drawers open, climbs on the sofa, finds some tiny object and tries to eat it etc.

Over Christmas one afternoon I asked dh to keep an eye on the children (ds is 7 so not such a hazard to himself) whilst I did some laundry and sorted a few things out. Ds appeared about ten minutes later asking for a snack and said his dad was asleep. Sure enough went bsck down and dh asleep on the sofa, dd thankfully playing rather than trying to injure herself.
Woke him up but then didn't feel comfortable leaving them with him again. I mean I've had no sleep for a year but I manage to stay awake!

Last night I was cooking dinner and again asked dh to have dd in the living room with him as she was all round my feet in the kitchen and I was worried something would get tipped on her or I'd fall over her. Literally five minutes later I hear ds shouting 'no dd!' Go back in and dh is asleep and dd has got the back off the remote control which she's taken out of the drawer and has the batteries out of it.
I feel I can't leave them with him because he just goes to sleep! He manages to stay awake to watch the football or tv in the evenings. He reckons he'd have woken up if something had been wrong but it would have been too late then wouldn't it. I won't leave them with him again but it's making life very difficult. Well ds is ok he doesn't need constant supervision. I won't leave dd with him though. I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her.

Aibu to think they may as well be on their own if you're just going to go to sleep?

OP posts:

YelloDraw · 07/01/2017 11:57

Is your self esteem so so SO bad that you believe e that being with any man is better than no man.

If this was your DD, would you be happy?

Do you want your DS to grown up knowing mum is weak and will do anything for a quiet life and men just have to bully and do what they want?

Trifleorbust · 07/01/2017 11:58

This would drive me mental. Wake him up. Hand child back to him. Half an hour later do it again.

user1471545174 · 07/01/2017 11:58

I haven't read the thread so no opinion on the DH or sleeping, but surely a 1 year old who is into everything needs to be in a playpen with toys, not wandering around at will?

Introvertedbuthappy · 07/01/2017 11:59

OP I couldn't be with a 'father' like that. He can't really call himself a parent. My DSs are similar ages to yours (8.5 months and 7 years) and DH regularly has them both to himself. In fact, I've only just woken up and he got up with DS2 several times in the night then has taken both boys out on the train to the nearest city. I came downstairs to the breakfast plates cleaned and put away and a wash put on. I have a note telling me to relax, that he is planning to take the boys out for lunch, and they'll be back at 4 with a present for DS1's friend whose party he is going to tomorrow. I honestly would consider leaving my DH if he had so little regard for the children as yours does.

poghogger · 07/01/2017 12:01

I haven't read the thread so no opinion on the DH or sleeping, but surely a 1 year old who is into everything needs to be in a playpen with toys, not wandering around at will
You can't keep them penned in all day , most 1 year olds are into everything but you just make sure you keep your eye on them! My 14m old potters about and I just make sure I keep glancing at her to make sure she's not getting into mischief.

Your Dh sounds neglectful and a fucking twat and you should probably LTB.

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 07/01/2017 12:02

Introverted do you think your dh is more he norm or mine?
Amongst my friends dh doesn't seem that much different to their husbands or partners. Sadly.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 12:04

The solution is so obvious. It's staring you in the face.

Instead of him 'watching her' whilst you do laundry/cook, you watch her and he does the laundry/cooking. He isn't likely to fall asleep doing either of those.

faithinthesound · 07/01/2017 12:04

And if you HAD read the thread, you would have seen the OP addressing the playpen idea: her DC screams and then climbs out. So playpens are not a workable solution for her. And they don't address the actual problem contained in the thread: that her husband is a useless feck who can't be trusted to care for the children HE helped create for more than five minutes without nodding off like a narcoleptic moron.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 12:06

At least her screaming would wake up the feckless father though faith

ProppedUp · 07/01/2017 12:22

DHs / DFs are not all like this. My DH is very capable with our 2 boys (both under 5), more so than myself I would say, but he is the SAHP after all so I should hope so!

I think it comes down to concepts / perceptions of how things are or should be and what is necessary. DH was at home with me during maternity leave, and has consequently told all of his friends they if they are working, they should be at home for at least a month postpartum and do a lot more housework, cooking etc and not expect any of it from their wives (as most of our friends have a set up with DH and DW, and once they have had children most of the DWs have become SAHMs).

DH has said openly that if the tables were turned and he had been working, he would have no idea how much work it is and how important. As a woman I am effectively 'forced' into knowing that, as I had to take time off after the birth (just to be clear, glad I did!), and I enjoy being at home with the kids, but that is considered fairly normal by most people's ideas, that a mum spends time with the children.

If you say your DH and other friends's DHs are similar, it sounds embedded in the culture. That doesn't make it acceptable by the way. You are both parents, and how could he possibly fall asleep in such a short space of time?

No advice but definitely this isn't just the norm for dads, although it sounds like the norm with the people around you.

Worksy · 07/01/2017 12:30

Just because it may be the norm amongst your friends doesn't make it right or normal.

Surely you can see his behaviour is outrageous regardless of what you see around you. My husband took six weeks off when I gave birth. He cooked, cleaned, did night duty. He is just as much of a parent as I am. He can do everything I can (except plait DD's hair!). You shouldn't have to worry about leaving the children with your husband. Things are seriously wrong when you look for strategies where he doesn't have to up his game and step up and be a father

DieHardISaChristmasFilm · 07/01/2017 12:31

Glass of iced water in the face. Every single time, the neglectful cunt.

KeyserSophie · 07/01/2017 12:31

Yep- afraid this is just a case of a lot of men being arsing lazy and thinking that childcare is beneath them.

Maybe you need some new friends because amongst my friends, equal parenting is definitely the norm, even though I live in expat la la land where a high % of mums are SAHMs- still see the dads out with multiple kids at the weekends doing sports, ECAs, parties etc. When I was pregnant with DC2, Dh used to take DC1 out all Sunday morning with 2 mates of his in similar situations to let us rest.

I admit that for non primary carers it can be a confidence thing to start with. I used to sit in Starbucks while DH took 6 mo DC1 to baby gym. First couple of times it was disastrous. Then they got to know each other better. Now he's at least as competent as me in terms of parenting.

Fairenuff · 07/01/2017 12:34

Bear in mind what kind of a role model you want to be to your children as well OP. I'm sure doormat isn't on your list.

Soubriquet · 07/01/2017 12:37

No it's not normal

He's doing a half arsed job in the hope you won't ask him again

But saying you won't leave the children with him again, he wins!

Make him do more. If he falls asleep you wake him up every single time.

Encourage your oldest to shake him awake too.

He is their father. Not a babysitter.
He needs to step up and be a blood dad

Original poster

Skatingonthinice16 · 07/01/2017 12:39

I am of people with partners who help.

This morning I took the bin out and then got distracted and forgot to put a new binliner in so I guess it is half my fault but when I went in the kitchen after dh had gone out he'd just put his rubbish on the floor next to the bin, rather than put a new liner in it. Sign.

OP posts:

cathf · 07/01/2017 12:40

The answers on this type of thread always boil down to three, none of which are useful to the OP.

LTB - no other information requested.
Why did you have children with this man? Well, she has them now, so what is the point of this question?
My DH is not like that - in fact, I will now give an example of how perfect he is. No help to OP but allows poster to be smug.

OP, only you know what's going on and if this post is a cry for help or just a vent.

pitterpatterrain · 07/01/2017 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Worksy · 07/01/2017 12:44

Why did you have children with this man? Well, she has them now, so what is the point of this question?

Hopefully might stop her from having more and then coming back complaining again about the same issue

KeyserSophie · 07/01/2017 12:44

cath but yeah it does come down to that

He sounds pretty pointless.
She has a 7 year old so she had 5 years of track record to go on. If he was useless the first time.......
It's relevant in this case because in the OPs experience, all her friends' partners are the same. It is therefore important to point out that being a parental void is not the global norm or inherent to men, and she doesn't have to put up with it All this "oh yeah hun, that's men for you" shit on other parenting forums does my head in.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 07/01/2017 12:45

Two possibilities:

In his mind lazy and irresponsible is fine because you'll still be watching out and you'll step in and do the dealing with dangers and catch any problems that arise. Parenting is your job, not his, and his pissing about maintains that nicely.
He genuinely cares less about dangers and consequences and is ok with his dd getting hurt.

So maybe ask him. Is this about being a lazy, irresponsible piss artist working on dodging parenting? Or is he just ok with dd swallowing batteries?

If you hand him dd and leave for a few hours will he get it together at all? Is this just something he does when you're in the house to be main carer and do the work? And playpen idea - if dd stands and screams, brilliant. Put playpen next to him and let's see him try and sleep through that.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 07/01/2017 12:45

Possibly he is a decent bloke who gets his parenting ideas from his dad and the other dads he knows, and then you let him get away with it because you think its normal too. In which case, a good long talk is needed. Then he could start by taking the children out at the weekends, to places where he can't go to sleep! And you can use that time to do what you want (not housework).

Who is getting up in the night? If you've done all of it so far, time for him to make up - if his job require total alertness, then he can still do Friday and Saturday. I guess you've done the last 365 nights, so that would be fair! And lie-ins - who gets those?

Housework - anything that you're doing at the evenings/weekend because you couldn't do it while he was at work gets shared 50/50. You may need to start by giving him jobs he can't shirk - like all of the cooking, or all his own laundry.

If he's basically a decent bloke, you just need to spell it out to him, show him how unfair he is being.

If he isn't, you know the advice

poghogger · 07/01/2017 12:47

I am of people with partners who help.

Well this says it all, parenting and marriage should be team work.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 07/01/2017 12:48

Cross post OP. That kind of clears things up, doesn't it? Grrrr for you

Soubriquet · 07/01/2017 12:49

That is pure laziness!! And I'm gobsmacked he did that! That is not normal

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