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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be concerned about this man? Unsure what to do

98 replies

user1483717131 · 06/01/2017 15:54

I've just returned from a visit to see my step-daughter (age 36) and her little girl (age 5) in Newcastle. While up there, she mentioned she's recently started seeing a man she met online (she broke up with her daughter's dad 4 years ago, and has been single since). She hasn't told me much about him, but there are few things that have worried me:

He has asked repeatedly about her daughter, despite having never met her- "is she an affectionate girl?" He has also given her a toy to give to her

He doesn't talk about his past at all - she knows almost nothing about him, only his first name

He recently suggested that all three of them could go abroad together: when she brought up separate rooms, he said she could have her own bed and he would share a bed with her daughter to save money

This is a bit worrying, isn't it?!

I'm really unsure what to do: obviously I could tell her what I think, but I really think that wouldn't go well. For one thing, if I've ever given any opinion on her choices (just small stuff), she's got really angry, and cut me off for a period. Also, she has some of the same doubts about this man herself, but she's said she might still see him anyway (I think she's very lonely and hard up, and she says he pays for everything).

All I can think of apart from that is telling social services or the police. The problem is that I only know this man's first name and home town, so they'd have to go through her for more. She's quite suspicious of anyone asking about her personal life and I know from experience she will lie to stop other people being involved. Also, if she found out I'd reported it, she'd cut me out too, so no-one would be keeping an eye on the situation (she's not in contact with any other members of her family)

Are there any other options? Is there any way I can find out this man's details without asking her?

Please help!

OP posts:

scaryclown · 08/01/2017 14:34

It does depend on context, because the issue of being thought a pedo is so frighteningly high, some men just cant stop making really uncomfortable jokes about it, weirdly to indicate they are not, and a man saying 'we could all go away together' could just as easily be trying to say 'i like you and so i have to like your children' so it all depends on sense of humour and 'was he joking' and how she feels...

BUT the fact that this is something she has tested with you when she is normally completely tight lipped about relations means, i think, that she is uncomfortable herself about this. He might be fine, but for me my advice would be 'reset the testing period. maybe you should tell your DD that daughter will be damaged seeing a partner too early, and discourage it?

i have googled a name before and found a court case..even though you can't fully trust the press..it might give you some smoke if not a fire. can you find name?

Cagliostro · 08/01/2017 14:42

CEOP definitely

Crumbs1 · 08/01/2017 15:17

I'm sorry but the potential risk is to serious to play around the edges. A proper referral to the local authority child protection team is in order. They can investigate and are best placed to decide whether there is a risk.

Welshrainbow · 08/01/2017 15:49

Is this thread real???
No mother would listen to a man say he'd take them abroad and share a bed with her five year old while she slept alone.

StarryIllusion · 08/01/2017 15:51

Red flag? It's practically fucking bunting! Why would anyone offer to share a bed with his girlfriend's kid without the girlfriend. If he said "she can always share with us to save money" I might assume he was just really naive and it didn't occur to him how it could be taken but on his own? No fucking way. Especially paired with the other comment I'd be running a mile.

Original poster

user1483717131 · 08/01/2017 15:53

Thanks again for replies. I don't have a photo either. I had thought about the school or child services but I'm also conscious of the future. Even if she gets rid of this man, it's not unlikely she'll end up in another dangerous situation, she can be very naive. And if she's angry with us for 'reporting' her and cuts off contact, how can I keep an eye on things then? I just feel so panicky and upset

OP posts:

Saukko · 08/01/2017 15:55

Some fucking creep has asked if he can sleep with her daughter, basically?

If alarm bells aren't ringing there's something epicly wrong in her parenting radar, and yes, social services should be informed. "My daughter has gone gaga."

I admit it does sound a bit, well, obvious.

Ilovecaindingle · 08/01/2017 16:02

If she was assigned a sw she would be supervised and her whole life would be under scrutiny. I doubt she could justify this odd ball to an official.

Lateralthinker2016 · 08/01/2017 16:06

Report it!!! To CEOP, Police, SS- whatever you do- don't do nothing, this is extremely suspicious and needs to be checked out.....in fact, ring someone now..... Pls don't delay.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 08/01/2017 16:07

OhSuckItUpDucky Childline don't speak to adults only children .

hungryhippo90 · 08/01/2017 16:26

The only thing I'm disagreeing with in your posts OP is that you seem relieved that you weren't being paranoid.. I'd prefer to be paranoid than right that my granddaughter was in what is such a dangerous situation.

The fact that this man is being so blase about his intentions, in my opinion makes him all the more dangerous than a paedophile who was masking his intentions.

He has also put these things in such a way that pulled up upon the things he's said, he could say"oh god, no! I was trying to be nice/helpful/ a paedophile would never be so out there! Of course I'm not a paedophile!!"

I would personally just call DSD and say, I've been thinking about what you said, how weird! What did you think about that?!

I'd then slope off to the police station, I'd explain you didn't want to be cut off by DSD because of the situation and her personality, and you see that you are going to need to keep an eye on things, but you have concerns.
There must be something that they can do.

I would also get in contact with the educational setting your GD attends, see if you can have a conversation with the headteacher, or whoever is in charge or safeguarding within the school, see what they recommend, creating allies in this setting will actually help GD in the future, if any abuse happens in the long term the school will be keeping an eye out so they can intervene as soon as possible.

It sounds like mum is in the demographic that paedophiles like to groom. Poor, vulnerable, single women with young kids with a lack of support.

Might be good to try and keep as close to them as you can, as this will give you the best chance of keeping DGD safe.

hungryhippo90 · 08/01/2017 16:28

Also, want to recommend protective behaviours course, for DSD. Loads of places teach it. Itll help her make good relationship choices.

AragornsManlyStubble · 08/01/2017 16:36

Personally I'd suggest waiting until you next speak to her and brightly ask about the man she told you about ( What was his name again? And from where? Oh that's a nice area.....etc) and if she's made plans to meet him yet as it would be nice for her to have some company. Lull her into confiding in you and get yourself more ammo (and information) to find out exactly what's going on and protect the child.

DJBaggySmalls · 08/01/2017 16:38

I'm sorry but I think there may be a more sinister reason behind her sharing. Some women overshare as a kind of stealth boast.
Go to the police and tell them what you said here, then distance yourself from her.

Jellybean83 · 08/01/2017 16:47

Right so this man has asked your step daughter if he can sleep in the same bed as her 5 year old daughter that he has never met, while your step daughter sleeps herself in a separate bed? And alarm bells aren't ringing?

If your step daughter didn't tell this guy to fuck right off and delete him out of her life then she either knows his intentions and is complacent or she doesn't have the mental compacity to be trusted with the care of a child.

ToadsforJustice · 08/01/2017 16:49

ladygrinnings0ul · 08/01/2017 16:56

This can't be a real thread ? If it is sounds a bit Ian Watkins to me

Parsley1234 · 08/01/2017 16:56

This happened to a friend of mine she was a carer for a disabled woman with CP who had a boyfriend. The bf enabled a situation to go on holiday with another carer who had a 6 year old saying he would look after the child if the girl with CP and the carer wanted to go out. The girl with CP knew nothing of the bf atall but social services felt unable to intervene about her choice of bf so my friend went to the police. The bf was a paedophile on licence in another area he was arrested and computer taken he was a serial offender

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 08/01/2017 17:06

Child line most certainly DO talk to adults.
An adult can phone to discuss concerns about a child at risk and get advice and help on a course if action

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 08/01/2017 17:06

Of action not if

CondensedMilkSarnies · 08/01/2017 17:13

I was a Childline counsellor for many years and we were told not to engage in convos with adults but to suggest other agencies .

CondensedMilkSarnies · 08/01/2017 17:14

Maybe it's changed since it did it.

DesolateWaist · 08/01/2017 17:29

I agree with others that the safety of the child comes first. Even if it means a difficult relationship with your GD.

As you say you only know his first name. However I would still contact SS for advice.

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