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Original poster

...to be concerned about this man? Unsure what to do

98 replies

user1483717131 · 06/01/2017 15:54

I've just returned from a visit to see my step-daughter (age 36) and her little girl (age 5) in Newcastle. While up there, she mentioned she's recently started seeing a man she met online (she broke up with her daughter's dad 4 years ago, and has been single since). She hasn't told me much about him, but there are few things that have worried me:

He has asked repeatedly about her daughter, despite having never met her- "is she an affectionate girl?" He has also given her a toy to give to her

He doesn't talk about his past at all - she knows almost nothing about him, only his first name

He recently suggested that all three of them could go abroad together: when she brought up separate rooms, he said she could have her own bed and he would share a bed with her daughter to save money

This is a bit worrying, isn't it?!

I'm really unsure what to do: obviously I could tell her what I think, but I really think that wouldn't go well. For one thing, if I've ever given any opinion on her choices (just small stuff), she's got really angry, and cut me off for a period. Also, she has some of the same doubts about this man herself, but she's said she might still see him anyway (I think she's very lonely and hard up, and she says he pays for everything).

All I can think of apart from that is telling social services or the police. The problem is that I only know this man's first name and home town, so they'd have to go through her for more. She's quite suspicious of anyone asking about her personal life and I know from experience she will lie to stop other people being involved. Also, if she found out I'd reported it, she'd cut me out too, so no-one would be keeping an eye on the situation (she's not in contact with any other members of her family)

Are there any other options? Is there any way I can find out this man's details without asking her?

Please help!

OP posts:
BratFarrarsPony · 06/01/2017 16:12

Yes the mother HAS met the man, according to the OP. It is the child that hasnt. Yet.

SoupDragon · 06/01/2017 16:13

he said she could have her own bed and he would share a bed with her daughter

I can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to a) say this out loud or b) not think it wrong and run a mile..

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/01/2017 16:13

Put to her

If you question her she is likely to get defensive but by saying something along the line of it Sarah said something similar I know you would say something is very wrong and worrying

She is telling you she is desperately lonely and vulnerable

ChasingAPinkBall · 06/01/2017 16:16

Could you investigate her Facebook friends by that name? Might be able to find out his surname so you could do a bit more digging?

Original poster
user1483717131 · 06/01/2017 16:16

Thanks for all the replies, I'm just reading through them... it's a relief to know I'm not just being paranoid!

icanteven she said it in a "he's bit creepy" kind of way. And yes, she can be quite naive and fantasizing about boyfriends

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 06/01/2017 16:17

You're right Brat, but even so, the little girl hasn't met him and he hasn't done anything to endanger either of them.

BratFarrarsPony · 06/01/2017 16:17

if this is true, you need to spell it out for her in words of one syllable. Then tell her that if she doesnt get rid, you will be foning SS.

PotatoWaffleCob · 06/01/2017 16:18

Good grief! Is she so desperate for a man that she is willing to ignore blatant warning signs? Or is she just stupid?

dollydaydream114 · 06/01/2017 16:19

I'm finding it very hard to believe that any woman would admit that "she has some of the same doubts" about a man being a paedophile "but says she might see him anyway" and is considering taking her five-year-old on holiday with him. And she doesn't even know his last name? WTF?

Not to seem really rude here, but does she have learning disabilities of some sort?

Because that level of naivety and confusion about such an obvious, blatant grooming attempt is something I have honestly only ever experienced in people who have certain types of learning disability and are unusually naïve/trusting/gullible/vulnerable.

CoraPirbright · 06/01/2017 16:19

Good grief its like a whole carnival of red flags!!

If you think she will cut you off if you question her judgement, how about offering to have your grandchild to stay whilst she has her "getting to know you" trip abroad. Bet you he prevaricates/disappears altogether when she suggests a trip with just the two of them.

Or, as a pp suggested - get his last name and do some digging.

However, it all sounds very obvious. Isn't grooming usually more subtle.....not like "I'll share a bed with your kid".

Daisyfrumps · 06/01/2017 16:20

I think she's very lonely and hard up, and she says he pays for everything

Is there anything more you can do about this OP? I wonder if her barometer wouldn't be so off if she felt more loved and supported?

allchattedout · 06/01/2017 16:21

He recently suggested that all three of them could go abroad together: when she brought up separate rooms, he said she could have her own bed and he would share a bed with her daughter to save money

Unless she's very dim, why the fuck is she still seeing him after he said that to her?? Why the bloody hell would the mother sleep alone while the 5 year old girl shared a bed with a strange man?? What's wrong with people- I would have told him to fuck off immediately.

chipsandchilli · 06/01/2017 16:22

Get his name and ask Dark Justice on facebook if they can find anything but tell them you want it kept quiet, it must be kept private due to relations with your SD, if he has any convictions or is known i'm sure they would be able to find out

dollydaydream114 · 06/01/2017 16:23

Isn't grooming usually more subtle.....not like "I'll share a bed with your kid".

If the mother of the child is this naïve, maybe he's realised it doesn't actually need to be subtle. Sad

Imchangingmyname · 06/01/2017 16:23

I'm sorry but I almost don't believe this as it seems so ridiculous. If that bed comment was mentioned to any mother, surely the warning bells would be ringing at full pelt? Unless the mother is mentally deficient then there is something very odd and unbelievable about the post.

Lireal · 06/01/2017 16:25

Dsd is winding you up, surely. I can't believe anyone could be this naïve or desperate.
Or there is more to this story.

MagicChicken · 06/01/2017 16:29

he said she could have her own bed and he would share a bed with her daughter to save money

WHAT???? Shock

And she's hinted that she finds it a bit creepy yet she's going to keep seeing him anyway? Confused

BlueClearSkies · 06/01/2017 16:29

Sarah's Law, set up after poor Sarah Payne was murdered, is there to help parents protect their children. It will search for details on the man, without getting SS involved.

Sarah's Law

Suggest to her for her peace of mind that she looks at the site and sees what she can find out.

SaucyJack · 06/01/2017 16:29

" she said it in a "he's bit creepy" kind of way."

She's testing your reaction. She's probably crying out for advice.

Tell her straight. You'll be doing them all a massive favour.

Original poster
user1483717131 · 06/01/2017 16:36

TheSparrowhawk thanks for your comments. You seem to understand this kind of situation- I think my step-daughter is aware that this isn't right, but as I said she's very lonely. It's sad to say, but I could see her overlooking this man's 'negatives'- especially as he sounds very manipulative and persistent

Is there anything I can do? He hasn't even met DGD yet (I think) but it seems really worrying. She also doesn't share much with me, so I don't know how well I can keep an eye on things

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 06/01/2017 16:36

Do you think your she might be making it up to shock you, or get attention? It seems so unlikely that any mother with half her wits about her wouldn't see anything but danger in this situation.

Ev1lEdna · 06/01/2017 16:42

As far as I know Ev1, nothing would be done. The child isn't in danger as the mother hasn't even met the man and the mother could easily deny the suggestion about sleeping in the same bed.

That is what I thought would happen Sparrowhawk, which means at this point the OP has to be part of protecting the daughter and her granddaughter from this.

I think in light of your response about her intimating it might be creepy OP - I would just go ahead and tell her what you think, as you can see you aren't alone in thinking this. Perhaps you need to have more of a chat (in the event she may be wanting your attention if she is lonely).

Jaysis · 06/01/2017 16:44

Could you glean his name from her facebook friends, or see what friends with the same name like the photos she puts up on FB? Then do your research under Sarah's Law.

I also think that offering to have her daughter stay with you while she goes on holiday with him is a really good idea. His holiday offer might melt away then. I would worry that if they did go abroad she'd be stuck in an apartment without the means to escape and get her or her child to safety when if he tries something creepy.

What child would want to share a bed with a strange adult, when their mum is in a bed nearby??

SanitysSake · 06/01/2017 16:45

You might consider contacting a law enforcement group called CEOP. The Child Exploitation and Online Protection team. You might not know too much about exactly what is going on with your daughter and her online relationship with this chap, but CEOPs are best place to give you the most sound and current advice on your daughter and granddaughter's potential predicament. This would include what to say/do and what not to say/do. Particularly if you think they're in a vulnerable position. If it were me; I'd have a look at their website which has a section specifically for parents/carers/guardians and give them a ring first. This is potentially a very sensitive and serious situation. As such, I would tread very carefully and go to the professionals first.

ceop.police.uk

Wish you all the best.

LTBforGin · 06/01/2017 16:48

I'm not very well informed on this but might be worth a look at....Sarah's law. From what I can gather if you get his name/as much info as possible you can formally ask the police if he is known for child sex offences. Obviously doesn't help if he is guilty of something and never been caught-but if he is known to the police you should be able to find out (I think)

Difficult situation op.

For now, if I were you I wouldn't be negative to dd about him and get as much info as you can about him. Let her open up to you and talk to you about him. You don't want her locking down in you now