Can I Just Fucking Vent

[EtTuTuttiFrutti]

i've got cancer.
Breast Cancer.

It's shit.

But can I just fucking vent... about the people that regale me about ...

Their relatives that died ... and the absolute agony that they went through getting to their death

The people that have survived and how fucking Brilliant they were.

The fucking people that hug me and don't respect my space... just because I've got cancer. Fuck off .

ExTuTu I feel for you. I have just finished active treatment myself, with just ongoing meds for years to come. I hadn't realised that there are 15 different types of breast cancer so positive stories of grannies who had a mastectomy 50 years ago don't help in any way. I coped by writing updates in a blog and asked everyone to look on it if they wanted to know how I was doing. Really helped to stop kind frends questions inadvertently invading my happy times. Best help was from folk who took me out for a walk/ lunch/ beer and chatted to me about everything and let me decide what I shared and what I didn't. It is a very long haul. All the very best

A work colleague really pisses me off on a regular basis by always bringing up how SHE always eats healthy and looks after herself because SHE DOESNT WANT TO GET CANCER

What a twat. I am willing to bet that when it comes to breast cancer at least, 95% of cases are due to gene mutations (most of which are unknown). It's literally a lottery which you can't do much to influence or change. The best hope is finding out much more about the genes and intervening early.

It's also annoying when people think 'cancer' is just one disease. No, there are actually hundreds of different types. Really annoying when someone tells a BC patient to try something 'because it worked on my dad who had colon cancer'. Um yeah, so I will try sniffing olbas oil to help my stomach-bug as well then.

I have been treated for breast cancer too. I have a very dear friend I met in the Surgical ward, I talk to her about anything breast cancer related, but not to anyone else really.

The Macmillan nurses were and are terrific.

Some bugger will tell you you're brave, soon. Sod 'em all.

Tutti I bet it is shit. We've had cancer in my family in a variety of ways, but I won't bore you with the details, except that it's all shit for people in different ways.

Have you had any more pisstaking from your not so nice neighbour? And how is Caramel doing with his new family?

OP, People do blurt out really crass stuff and/or rely on cliches just because they don't know how to react to this sort of news. It is horrible for you and I get that you feel you're sort of losing your identity in (& because of) this shitty disease. And then someone adds to it by getting awkward around you and treating you as though you're someone 'different', not you.
I won't add any anecdotes but will say the best thing someone said to me was "that's bloody awful; what can I do to help' And mean it. She's (still) my best friend.
In the meantime, vent away whenever and however you want x

Vent all you like. Cancer is a bastard.

I had breast cancer.
People always meant well and I tried not to get offended but two things really pissed me off.....

If I said I was having a bad day the Be Positive comment really annoyed the hell out of me.....so someone can break a nail etc and have a bad day but if you have cancer you have to Be Positive all the bloody time.

A "friend" asked how I was,I said chemo had brought on the menopause so I couldn't sleep due to the hot flushes at night time.....she said you can't moan about that because it was going to happen anyway.

oh yes and the Its only hair comment....

vent away OP

But tutti, didn't you know that now you have cancer you are in fact a kind of super human? You are super brave (yep because you chose this path of course) and you must be so positive now (because we all know only the super positive and cheery people beat cancer) and you're really lucky that it isn't something worse or that you have it now rather than years ago because you k ow cancer is "very treatable" thanks to the miracle of modern medicine... and erm... I'm running out of shit stuff people say to you... but you know you will suck it up because you have cancer therefore you are amazing and flawless and all...

The best thing said to me when I told someone of my cancer diagnosis- "give me a spare key"

Me- "erm, what??"

Her- "a spare key. I can't do fuck all about your cancer but I am going to come clean your house for you every week til you're well"

Best person ever.

It's a truly shitty situation. There is no right thing to say so I'm not even sure why I am replying because I can't say the right thing either. I just wanted to say you are heard, you are still you even with this illness and you matter.

YANBU.

People are dickheads sometimes.

I like what Liinoo said plus I hope you have good people around you

Cancer is a fucking shit cunt bloody bollocky selfish chicken bastard pig dog bitch of an arsehole of a twat.

Why is that so hard for people to say? 🍺🍻🍸🍹🍷🍶

It's pants as you say. My BIL made us all
laugh as he said he went out with friends and all they did was talk about his cancer. Yawn! So he said he didn't want that and the next time they didn't talk about it. So he went home and said "don't they know I've got fucking cancer?" You're allowed to be angry and tricksy!
This link is to an excerpt from a blog by a young woman living with cancer which you might read: reallyinconvenient.wordpress.com/2015/12/30/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer/
Best wishes

You always think it will happen to someone else. Not you. It's not fair and of course it's not fucking supposed to be a part of you. And it's not, it doesn't define you. It sucks and I am sorry

OP,
Come back and have a sweary vent and rant.
Do you know your treatment plan yet?

Vent away. So sorry. xxxx

Vent away

Vent like Mount Vesuvius if you want OP.

People don't mean to be thoughtless, it's just that sometimes an awkward silence is better than jamming your foot in your mouth. Sadly most people seem to like the taste of leather.

Oh, but don't just vent. Go for a full straws-in-hair[/"fetching" NHS wig/deliberately ridiculous comedy wig worn as seriously as possible ^What Do You Mean A Wig, How Dare You?!/hat/bandana/precious fluffy-chickesque regrowth/other head-covering] Lear-style rant&rave. Because Cancer. But also, crucially, Cancer x StupidPeople.

Cancer does tend to make people Get Weird. They don't know how to cope & they flail. And tbh not knowing how to deal is sort of ok, but you need to not be an arse. And trotting out stories about other people's cancers? Being an arse, basically. As is the whole Cancer Carrion phenomenon - those people who bob up into your life essentially so they can cast themselves as Supportive Friend Of Cancer Patient. They will bring the memes. And the invasion of privacy & a big pile of Inappropriate (not the fun sort). But their little claws are too busy trying to heal you through the power of social media to, say, make you a cup of tea. Definitely not going to pick up the teabags & milk from the shops for you. And no risk of them being there to hold your hair while you chemo!vom - they'll totally tweet about how brave you are though & how you're absolutely kicking cancer's arse...

How was your day OP? Other than the need to vent & the fact having cancer is a world of suck, I mean. I know that my friends who have [had] cancer like it when people treat them normally as far as possible. So please note "how was your day?" wasn't all weirdy-solemn or with the whole You're So Brave thing. It was a perfectly normal-genuine, "other than wanting lllllîû

Vent away! It's most definitely shit. Cancer is a bastard.

The thing is though, people are always going to fuck up because there isn't a right way to respond or be, because everyone who gets cancer is different. Some want to hear stories from others or be hugged, while for others that's their idea of hell.

OP

For those who ask what to say or do everyone please remember everyone is different in how they deal with their feelings cope and this can change on different days and at different times etc etc.

^ this.

I personally for eg don't like hearing 'stories'.

I have the Internet I have my consultants.

I want a bit of 'normality' iyswim. What I don't want is people telling me how it may or may not be. I am aware of that, having been through it before.

Bother. Sorry. Myoclonic jerk. Thankfully I lobbed my phone onto my bed rather than the floor. (Caught my shin though. That'll be a nice bruise...)

But yes. Sorry. Before my brain so rudely interrupted me, I was after saying "other than left wanting to have a good rant, how are you & what've you been up to?" In a non-weirdy way, I hasten to add. Just in a You Are A Person Not Your Diagnosis way. Yes.

And on that note probably I should try to get some sleep. Yay sleep!

Et everyone used to royally get on my mams nerve doing everything you've said.

I took the piss (nicely) out her growing a moustache.

Laughing will help.

Fuck it, that's really shit.
I can't say anything else, cos I'm one of "them" types. I'd ask how you were doing four times in a row for good measure.
Speaking of good measures, I've got some whiskey.