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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is homophobic

92 replies

Santander1 · 05/01/2017 18:09

My dd has come out as gay recently. Myself and her stepfather were cool with it, I felt a 'pang' at the reduced probability of grandchildren, and the concern for her struggling against prejudice, but I kept them to myself and I'm coming to terms with it.

She's brought her girlfriend home this evening. She's delightful as I knew she would be. However my husband said once they'd gone out 'have you had a word with them to be discreet, you know what I mean, in front of the children' (we have two dcs at primary school)

I said no I haven't, because I think that would come across as quite homophobic. He vehemently disagreed, saying that the children should know about normal relations before being exposed to .. he never quite finished that sentence.

My counter remark was, when her ex boyfriend was over, they would be cuddly and that was fine! They were never too public. Husband said 'well that's different, this isn't normal'

Now I honestly think that he doesn't mean any harm at all, in fact he sat dd down when she came out and said he was happy for her as long as she was happy, and to feel free to bring anyone she liked home.

He is pretty old fashioned. I can understand his concerns but I still think if I said this to dd she would be upset.

AIBU ?

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2017 20:55

I'm nearly 50 now and I don't remember anyone being gay at all when I was young. In fact I recall TV stars actually not 'coming out' until years later, because they felt it would harm their careers. I read Rock Hudsons biography a few years ago, and he said it would have been TV suicide to announce he was gay - he would never have worked again. I went to an all girls grammar school, and never came accross gay relationships. Obviously times have changed massively, but there is still a lot of prejudice, and because you want your child to live an uncomplicated life, you would worry for them coming out, because they will face prejudice in some walks of life - life is just easier being heterosexual.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/01/2017 20:59

No, live, you would worry about your child coming out. Which isn't a crime. But don't assume everyone else would feel the same.

I would be glad if my DD were a lesbian, because, frankly, it seems to me much easier, less stressful, and more pleasant.

But I will understand if she's straight. It's the luck of the draw.

Sallystyle · 05/01/2017 21:08

When my son come out as gay there was nothing to get my head around. There was no tolerating it or being disappointed. I didn't have any inkling that he was gay at all.

I don't quite understand people who need time to get used to the idea. I know it is quite common for parents to need time to adjust to it, but I personally don't get it.

My son is gay. Nothing to get my head around. He isn't abnormal at all. Will he face hardships due to his sexuality? Possibly, but my gay relative hasn't had any hardships due to it so I've no reason to expect my son will.

If my husband had said what yours did OP, I would be seriously disappointed in him. But you clearly aren't any more comfortable with it then he is.

DailyMaui · 05/01/2017 21:10

If you are nearly fifty you don't remember Soap? Eastenders? Brookside? All with gay characters in. Frankie Gies To Hollywood? Boy George? The Pet Shop Boys? Soft Cell? Bronski Beat? Elton John coming out? I get that someone my age who lived in a very small place didn't know any gay people but they weren't hidden in popular culture - not commonplace maybe but not hidden. Rock Hudson belongs to my grandparents generation. I doubt the OP's husband is in his nineties.

tygr · 05/01/2017 21:18

Thing is, people keep saying that it's easier to be heterosexual but if you are gay then it's not easier to pretend that you're not, it's not easier to deny who you are and suppress your true feelings, it's not easier to hide a relationship or stay single to avoid prejudice.

So it's rather a moot point.

Much better that we can all be our true selves and accept that for others too.

Nataleejah · 05/01/2017 21:22

Its unhelpful and counterproductive to scream 'homophobia' at people who feel awkward and uncomfortable, especially when they come from a 'strictly traditional' background.

SallyGinnamon · 05/01/2017 21:24

I think sometimes people can't help what they feel. But nowadays it's unacceptable to admit it.

Suttonmum1 · 05/01/2017 21:30

I'm a little over 50 and I remember Elton John being married and an enormous fuss over Eastenders.

BackforGood · 05/01/2017 21:32

Some of you are changing history quite a lot.
The first kiss between a gay couple was headline news - on Brookside, well into the 1980s. George Michael sang all about relationships with girls in Wham - didn't come out until much later. Freddie Murcury kept his sexuality very private. Elton John married a woman, and again, didn't come out until much later in life.

Sorry op - nothing to do with your thread, just can't believe what one or two posters are posting.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/01/2017 21:33

But no one is suggesting screaming at him, nata. Are they?

I think it can be helpful to call someone on what they're doing. There are lots of people (possibly the OP or her husband) who wouldn't like to think they're being homophobic and it could give them a wake-up call.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/01/2017 21:34

back, I know what you mean (because I read the comments the same way), but I don't think it's deliberately misrepresenting history, it's people talking about two different things. They're talking about experiences someone born 50 years ago might have had during their life to date, not the state of gay visibility 50 years ago. I think?

tygr · 05/01/2017 21:43

OP asked if she was being unreasonable to think her DH said something homophobic. We've mostly all agreed with her that he did. No-one is suggesting screaming homophobic at him. But I hope the OP will not have the discussion with her daughter that he suggested she have.

allchattedout · 05/01/2017 22:03

The first kiss between a gay couple was headline news - on Brookside, well into the 1980s. George Michael sang all about relationships with girls in Wham - didn't come out until much later. Freddie Murcury kept his sexuality very private. Elton John married a woman, and again, didn't come out until much later in life

That was the first gay kiss on a soap. The first gay kiss on TV was actually back in 1974- ie 43 years ago.

Certain premiership footballers still keep their sexuality very private.

I am guessing this DH was born in the 70's or possibly 60's though so I am not sure the 'from a different era' excuse really works. Homophobia is homophobia- there are young and old homophobes, but being old is not an excuse for intolerance. This is who their DD is. They need to accept her.

Bambambini · 05/01/2017 23:05

Wi'm sure they will accept - just give them some breathing space. There's a reason many young gay men headed to the likes of alone on rather than stay in their small towns and villages - because some places are still a lot more traditional and conservative.

Regarding race - I've read many threads here where many London/city dwellers scoff that some folk actually felt weird seeing non white folk for the first time, felt uncomfortable talking to them. Just as the cosmopolitan city dwellers can't get this - why can't they get that some folk grew up where black/gay/Muslim/ mega posh or anything differing from the norm - just didn't happen.

I remember asking mum about the swinging 60's and if she had been a hippy and if folk were taking drugs and partaking of all the free love. But she just said they didn't really happen where we lived.

DailyMaui · 05/01/2017 23:05

I'm one of those two and I'm not changing history. Gay was not something hidden and unknown in the 80's. It really wasn't. Was there homophobia then? Yes. We're there gay men pretending to be straight? Yes, were there also gay people represented in popular culture? Yes. Were papers getting all her up about it? Yes. Was there outcry over the Eastenders gay kiss? Yes. Did anyone I knew my age give a fuck? No. I'm just saying that being fifty doesn't mean gay was unheard of back in those days as suggested earlier. Boy George was very critical of George Michael closeting himself so it's not as if the straight acting George M was the de facto hiding gay of the day.

Anyway, OP be proud of your daughter and for god's sake don't tell her she's abnormal. She isn't. And your other children will only learn to be offended if they pick that up from you or your husband.

Bambambini · 05/01/2017 23:06

"The likes of London"

MadMags · 05/01/2017 23:14

You understand his concerns, and now you're tolerating it and disappointed.

And technically, technically it's not normal...

I think he is, in fact, a knob. And he's in good company...

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