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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is homophobic

92 replies

Santander1 · 05/01/2017 18:09

My dd has come out as gay recently. Myself and her stepfather were cool with it, I felt a 'pang' at the reduced probability of grandchildren, and the concern for her struggling against prejudice, but I kept them to myself and I'm coming to terms with it.

She's brought her girlfriend home this evening. She's delightful as I knew she would be. However my husband said once they'd gone out 'have you had a word with them to be discreet, you know what I mean, in front of the children' (we have two dcs at primary school)

I said no I haven't, because I think that would come across as quite homophobic. He vehemently disagreed, saying that the children should know about normal relations before being exposed to .. he never quite finished that sentence.

My counter remark was, when her ex boyfriend was over, they would be cuddly and that was fine! They were never too public. Husband said 'well that's different, this isn't normal'

Now I honestly think that he doesn't mean any harm at all, in fact he sat dd down when she came out and said he was happy for her as long as she was happy, and to feel free to bring anyone she liked home.

He is pretty old fashioned. I can understand his concerns but I still think if I said this to dd she would be upset.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 05/01/2017 18:37

Tell him that a normal relationsip is when two people love each other and treat each other with care and respect. Your children should be taught about healthy relationships and it doesnt matter if its with a male or female.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 05/01/2017 18:38

Honestly I'm surprised that you 'understand' his concerns. Your right this is homophobic, it's one thing if he doesn't like PDA in general but to only dislike it when it comes to same sex couples makes it homophobic.

He probably doesn't think he's being homophobic but it's about like those people who say 'I'm not racist but...' they don't actually think they're racist.

Daisyfrumps · 05/01/2017 18:38

Great post reboot. And a healthy relationship is not one where we expect people to conform to somebody else's ideal of normal

Soubriquet · 05/01/2017 18:38

At first I thought you was talking about sex in which I would have said you was being homophobic by your refusal to ask her not to have sex under your roof when you would if she had a boyfriend

But normal kissing and cuddles? He is majorly unreasonable and yes homophobic

HolidaySpiritsReinbeerAndWhine · 05/01/2017 18:43

Definitely homophobic. Does your husband also keep your children only around white people, or non-disabled people? Must not mess up their young minds with people who are 'not like him/them'. I'd be disgusted to find I was married to a person who described a heterosexual relationship as 'normal', as opposed to the obviously happy, loving one your daughter is in. Normal Hmm.

Original poster
Santander1 · 05/01/2017 18:43

Thanks, this is useful.

I took the kids to visit her at uni and over dinner we said that dd's girlfriend was coming to stay in the New Year. DD2 carried on colouring her pizza express hat and ds said 'don't you mean boyfriend?' I said no girlfriend. I then went on to say some girls don't like to kiss boys they prefer girls! And dd had a good laugh about how girls were just better, generally :)

So they know, in as much as they CAN know, for their age. I think he is worried that they'll be disturbed or something. He is totally wet behind the ears though. No gay friends.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 05/01/2017 18:45

my SIL is gay and married. My children will grow up seeing a normal lesbian relationship

I'm bisexual myself

harderandharder2breathe · 05/01/2017 19:09

Yes it's homophobic

He had no problem with her cuddling a boy so shouldn't have a problem with her cuddling a girl.

He is entitled to feel how he feels but hibu to expect to dictate to your daughter based on him being a homophobic knob

Original poster
Santander1 · 05/01/2017 19:17

Now hang on a minute. What on earth are you doing harder to support the cause for equality if you go around calling people knobs? Misinformed and in need of education maybe, but a knob? How divisive is that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Santander1 · 05/01/2017 19:20

And I might add that technically, being homosexual is not normal. To be normal it would have to be the norm, ie at least representing more than 50% of the sample involved. Not normal by definition. That doesn't mean that we have to support discrimination of homosexuality in itself!

OP posts:
Klaphat · 05/01/2017 19:22

Now hang on a minute. What on earth are you doing harder to support the cause for equality if you go around calling people knobs? Misinformed and in need of education maybe, but a knob? How divisive is that?

That sounded terribly contrived.

BackforGood · 05/01/2017 19:24

I agree with this on the first page
I'd hesitate to label…sometimes people need time and (crucially) familiarity and affection for attitudes to catch up, don't you think?

OP's dh is still processing things. I suspect he will be of an age when 'being gay' was never discussed, recognised, seen (on TV, films, etc), and yet he has still been really positive with his dd, and then is trying to work out in his own mind the conflicting thoughts between his upbringing, and his 21st century head. Name calling isn't going to help anyone. He needs to talk about it with you OP, and clear his head so he is more welcoming of something that is alien to many people old enough to have grown up children.

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 19:24

I think you are tolerating your dds relationship rather than just seeing it for what it is normal, your children will not catch the gay or be confused because your sister has a girlfriend children are more accepting than your husband is making out he really needs to get a bloody grip

Waffles80 · 05/01/2017 19:25

That description of 'normality' is bonkers.

That's NOT what the word normal means.

AmeliaJack · 05/01/2017 19:26

How old are your DC Santander?

Original poster
Santander1 · 05/01/2017 19:31

Yes I am tolerating it Mrs Jay. I am disappointed. I want her to have an easy life without prejudice or obstacles that being gay might throw up. That is normal I think. I believe this because in their heart of hearts if most (more than 50%) of mothers were asked and were honest, they would want 'normal' rather than 'abnormal' for their children. It's just the way it is.

Homophobia is a term coined to define fear of homosexuality. I am not afraid of homosexuality any more than I am arachnophobic and scared of spiders.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santander1 · 05/01/2017 19:33

en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/normal

It's not 'normal' Waffles. Be sensible.

That's not to say it's not acceptable and not to be feared.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 05/01/2017 19:34

Whilst homophobia is still going, it's a lot easier to be gay then it used to be

People can be reported for hate crimes!

And normal? Gay is normal. I wouldn't care if my children are gay

tygr · 05/01/2017 19:36

In common useage I think homophobia means being prejudiced to LGB people rather than a stricter technical phobia definition and what he said is homophobic. It is normal; otherwise you could say that say having red haired isn't normal because fewer than 50% of people have red hair. That's just nonsense. Normal in a population doesn't mean we're all the same. Populations are diverse.

WonkoTheSane42 · 05/01/2017 19:36

Okay Santander. Slightly over 50% of humans are female. Therefore, being a man is not normal.

This is just ripping apart your ridiculous definition and not even touching the value judgement that is connoted by the word "normal."

Sybys · 05/01/2017 19:39

Under that model for of 'normality', it's not normal to be born female (given that more males are born than females).

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 19:39

I think maybe a default setting for our children can be hetrosexual so when something like this comes along it can be an adjustment. Q but honestly your children will be fine they will be your dd doesn't have to be discreet obviously like with a boyfriend you don't want full on snogging in front of the kids but affection is ok

Sybys · 05/01/2017 19:40

Haha, beaten to it

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 19:42

You are fixating on normal here, your daughter isn't abnormal she has a girlfriend that is all it isn't out of the ordinary for somebody to be gay or fluid in relationships

elvis86 · 05/01/2017 19:42

"Yes I am tolerating it Mrs Jay. I am disappointed. I want her to have an easy life without prejudice or obstacles that being gay might throw up. That is normal I think. I believe this because in their heart of hearts if most (more than 50%) of mothers were asked and were honest, they would want 'normal' rather than 'abnormal' for their children. It's just the way it is."

I can understand that your daughter coming out may have been unexpected and is something that you and your OH feel you need to "come to terms with".

However, as someone who has been in your daughter's shoes I would urge you to do this as privately as possible whilst presenting a wholly accepting and supportive front to her. The attitude you've shown above and your OH's (homophobic) comments to you would be extremely hurtful to your daughter. You say you're worried about prejudice she may face - by voicing what you've shared here to her you'll be the source of it for her, I'm afraid!

Take your time processing it privately, but please ensure that she feels you're 100% behind her. Whatever you're going through is likely to be insignificant in comparison to what she's been through / is going through in order to get to the point where she accepted it herself.

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