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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is homophobic

92 replies

Santander1 · 05/01/2017 18:09

My dd has come out as gay recently. Myself and her stepfather were cool with it, I felt a 'pang' at the reduced probability of grandchildren, and the concern for her struggling against prejudice, but I kept them to myself and I'm coming to terms with it.

She's brought her girlfriend home this evening. She's delightful as I knew she would be. However my husband said once they'd gone out 'have you had a word with them to be discreet, you know what I mean, in front of the children' (we have two dcs at primary school)

I said no I haven't, because I think that would come across as quite homophobic. He vehemently disagreed, saying that the children should know about normal relations before being exposed to .. he never quite finished that sentence.

My counter remark was, when her ex boyfriend was over, they would be cuddly and that was fine! They were never too public. Husband said 'well that's different, this isn't normal'

Now I honestly think that he doesn't mean any harm at all, in fact he sat dd down when she came out and said he was happy for her as long as she was happy, and to feel free to bring anyone she liked home.

He is pretty old fashioned. I can understand his concerns but I still think if I said this to dd she would be upset.

AIBU ?

OP posts:

peri89 · 05/01/2017 19:43

OP, please never tell your daughter that your don't think she or her lifestyle is normal.

Vidorra · 05/01/2017 19:45

Well considering about 30%+ of young people are now reported to identify as something other than heterosexual, it is completely 'normal' to them by your definition that I don't agree with as to me gay is completely normal

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 19:46

I agree please don't mention not normal to her im sure you won't

Bambambini · 05/01/2017 19:49

I think folk are being a bit harsh. Maybe he just needs to get his head around it. I know mumsnet is right on with everyone being brought up to be ever so comfortable with multicultural and LGBT language and issues etc. But for many folk they've never really been exposed to the LGBT world (or multiculturalism).

In my family, husbands, friends etc that I grew up with - no one was gay, still not that I know of. Folk sometimes just need to get used to it and think through it.

SarcasmMode · 05/01/2017 19:49

I would say it's homophobic as such but definetely prejudiced.i think he needs to challenge his own views.

My parents are kind of the same. Really lovely to LGBT people I know and sister knows but get the impression they'd be not too pleased if we had a girlfriend ourselves.

I'm bi/pan sexual so it's not like previous to DH it couldn't have happened.

What I expect is its ignorance rather than hatred. How many gay people does your DH know?

SarcasmMode · 05/01/2017 19:50

Very brace thefit kudos to your family.

Gottagetmoving · 05/01/2017 19:51

I think there are many peek who accept gay relationships but are not comfortable with open affection between gay couples. This is due to not being used to seeing it when they were growing up.
Your husband is not a knob..and he is not being horrible. He needs to understand that your children will accept it as normal if they are exposed to it and not feel the discomfort he feels.
Times have changed thankfully...some people have not caught up because they were raised being told it was not normal. They can't just switch that off.
The fact he was positive with your daughter about her sexuality is good

Gottagetmoving · 05/01/2017 19:53

People...not peek!

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 19:53

I was not brought up tobe right on you would not believe the rubbish i heard growing up

HolidaySpiritsReinbeerAndWhine · 05/01/2017 19:54

Oh dear. I think you really need to re-evaluate your definition of 'normal', OP. The only reason your daughter would face prejudice is because of attitudes like yours and your husbands. She is normal - any relationship between consenting adults is normal. Doesn't matter if they are male, female or anywhere inbetween. You are perpetuating fear by being 'worried' and using language such as 'normal and abnormal'. Just because you are not outwardly against your daughter being gay, by saying it's not what you'd choose for her is making it into something negative and wrong.

I don't 'want' my child to be straight over gay. I genuinely don't care either way as long as they are safe and happy. Most parents these days feel the same way - luckily we're part of a society that, whilst not perfect, is caring less about a persons sexuality.

tygr · 05/01/2017 19:55

I'm bi and if any member of my family suggested that I had to be less open around my nephews than everyone else because they are normal and I'm not then I would be very upset about that. Quite clearly it would give the message that me and my relationships are considered 'less than' everyone else's.

My own personal view is that it's great for young people to have LGB+ role models as it means that they are less likely to grow up prejudiced themselves.

DailyMaui · 05/01/2017 19:58

What age is the age when gay was never discussed? I'm fifty now and one of my best friends was openly gay at school. When I was a teen the music industry had loads of openly gay musicians. There were openly gay men and women on tv... is the OP's husband older than in his fifties? Because if he's younger he must have been walking around with great big gay blinkers to have not noticed homosexuality around him.

MrsJayy · 05/01/2017 20:06

I went to drama groups in thd 80s in a little scottish town where 4 boys were gay a tutor of mine was gay my friend at college was gay it was gay everywhere 😂im 46 this year so not exactly a young 20 something.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 05/01/2017 20:07

I would actively encourage same sex couples to be more openly affectionate in front of my children. I also wish there were more books/tv programmes with gay characters. IMO our society is far too Hetro-centric.

allchattedout · 05/01/2017 20:11

Yes I am tolerating it Mrs Jay. I am disappointed

This and your 'disappointment' about your daughter possibly not having children (which BTW is not related to her sexuality as many straight women do not have children), suggests that you are not comfortable at all about the situation. Are there any books or something that you could read to educate yourself more on the subject? The more people think it's 'not normal' and a 'disappointment', the harder life will be for DD. This is not because she is gay, but because of other people's views. Like your DH I am afraid. You got terribly offended when someone called him a knob, but he came out with some disgusting things. Imagine if he had said the same about interracial relationships.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/01/2017 20:11

I do think it's sad you're disappointed, but I guess you're probably shocked. I hope you do your best to hide that from your DD, though. It is internalised homophobia, but I expect we're all a bit subject to that.

I'm not sure 'normal' is best defined as 'statistically most common'. If it were, being ginger would be 'abnormal' rather than 'unusual'.

Your husband, though, is being homophobic.

My niece, who's 5, has seen me with my ex-husband. The first time she saw me with my current (female) partner she wasn't remotely phased. Next morning she invaded our bed (as she generally does) demanding stories. This Christmas she and her brother woke us about about 6am by sneaking into the bed with their story books. Small children really aren't very phrased by these things. She has no concept of sex, after all, so it's not remarkable to her.

I sincerely doubt that, with two heterosexual parents, she's going to grow up lacking exposure to 'normal' relationships!

Megatherium · 05/01/2017 20:15

OP's dh is still processing things. I suspect he will be of an age when 'being gay' was never discussed, recognised, seen (on TV, films, etc)

He'd have to be around 100 for that to be the case.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/01/2017 20:15

fazed. Gah. I cannot believe I wrote that twice.

harderandharder2breathe · 05/01/2017 20:17

The more of your posts I read on this thread OP the more it sounds like you're trying really hard to be ok with it but failing

I will absolutely call homophobic people knobs. Because in the 21st century lack of education is not an excuse.

Waffles80 · 05/01/2017 20:18

It's hilarious, OP, that the OED link you shared so snippily didn't have your obscured (and wrong) version of the word 'normal'.

You also don't appear to understand the meaning of the word homophobia either.

I feel really sorry for your children.

AngelaKardashian · 05/01/2017 20:19

No doubt about it. It's completely homophobic.

Waffles80 · 05/01/2017 20:21

Also, refer your daughter to Stonewall. They have lots of resources to support young gay people coping with homophobic parents.

Bambambini · 05/01/2017 20:23

"What age is the age when gay was never discussed? I'm fifty now and one of my best friends was openly gay at school. When I was a teen the music industry had loads of openly gay musicians. There were openly gay men and women on tv... is the OP's husband older than in his fifties? Because if he's younger he must have been walking around with great big gay blinkers to have not noticed homosexuality around him."

Well, I know quite a few families, groups of friends who didn't have close contact to gay folk - still don't, especially a close family member. They aren't necessarily hateful or bigoted folk. I just think some folk might need to get used to the idea and will be fine with it in time after the initial surprise. Especially if someone close comes out and it was never expected. Lots of smaller communities - you don't often see gay folk being open about it or openly affectionate.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/01/2017 20:23

I was reading about the idea of 'normal' recently, and apparently, it's really only in the last century and a bit that people have used statistical norms in the way we do, anyway. I read this research saying that, until academics got interested in doing big data and surveying huge populations, no one was very interested in how many people 'were' homosexual. They just said it was wrong and unnatural and that was that.

Then people started doing surveys, and categorising people (as Kinsey does), and that's when we started thinking that being 'normal' in terms of things like sexuality was some kind of marker of what was 'right'.

I know that's not totally relevant but IMO some people find it hard to accept homosexuality because they don't really question why we interpret it the way we do. My dad can be like this. He just assumes that his views (formed during his lifetime) reflect 'the way people have always felt about homosexuality' and so he finds it very hard to accept change. But actually, being worried about what's 'normal' is a far more recent thing that homosexuality itself!

Thingmcthingyface · 05/01/2017 20:25

Grew. Up with gay older brother who frequently pashed his OH in front of me. Frankly I saw more real love there than from my parents who only argued. Did me no harm at all, straight as they come but also intensely proud of having a gay brother. Would be a bit sad not to have any gay children.

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