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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

funeral arrangements MIL

56 replies

greatballsofcheese · 05/01/2017 17:20

I'm preparing to be slated here but I want to know if IBU.

My MIL passed away just before Xmas, to say there was no love lost between us is an understatement.
She had been ill for some time and was in her 90's so she had good innings.

MIL never had a good word to say about me or to me.
DH who is the eldest son (of 5) is the only one who lived close enough to visit her.
One sibling wouldn't have anything to do with her and hadn't spoken for 3+ years, the 3 live miles away and visited her perhaps twice a year.

DH is the eldest and lived closest, but he isn't well himself, he is disabled and is suffering from anxiety and various ailments.

Since MIL passed DH hasn't been coping at all, he cannot arrange anything or make a decision in normal day to day situations, so faced with sorting out a funeral is hard.

So far I have been making the funeral decisions, (undertaker, registering the death etc) I keep telling him he needs to speak to his siblings about arrangements, however he is leaving messages that they aren't returning, we have had to change the time of the funeral because they couldn't get to it in time
Frankly I'm disgusted with them, they aren't doing anything to help, causing stress and making a bad situation worse.

As I said I have been doing everything, but because of their attitude I have told my DH that I am NOT arranging her funeral and making decisions about music, poems, flowers etc.

So now we have a situation where her funeral is next week, we have no flowers for the coffin, no readings, no memories written, no poems, no real music selected and silence from the siblings who will hopefully turn up

What do I do?

I could sort all this out tomorrow and make it nice, but why the f*ck should I when the rest of her family don't give a toss.
It's not my decision, she's not my mother, she disliked me as I was never good enough for her son. I'm happy to support DH but surely that's where my input ends.

So do I make the funeral nice (r)
or leave it as it is and let her family see the consequences of their actions because if they don't give a damn why should I?

OP posts:

DailyFail1 · 05/01/2017 17:21

Make it nice for your dh. Fuck anyone else.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 05/01/2017 17:22

Organise the funeral for your husbands sake. That's what marriage is about.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 05/01/2017 17:23

For better or worse, remember.

DisneyMillie · 05/01/2017 17:23

Make sure it's all done - but to make it easy and less stressful for your dh not for mil or in laws

ALittleMop · 05/01/2017 17:23

Make it nice if you can do it with good grace.
Do it for and with your DH.
Keep it simple and short.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/01/2017 17:23

Do it for your DH.

The rest of the family sound like thoughtless gits.

PollytheDolly · 05/01/2017 17:24

Yeah, do it for him and hold your head high knowing you gave her a good send off.

John4703 · 05/01/2017 17:25

Who is taking the funeral? In my experience church ministers and humanist leaders are good at asking the right questions and then writing a suitable tribute.

Why not simply ask whoever is leading to have times when he or she will publicly invite each of your MIL's children to say something about their mother. make sure the person leading has a list of the names of her children. If they choose to say nothing it is their loss.

RockyBird · 05/01/2017 17:25

The undertaker will advise on making it nice. Use them, I imagine you'll be paying them an arm and a leg anyway.

BillSykesDog · 05/01/2017 17:25

I think you've answered your own question, they don't give a toss. You're directing your anger at the wrong place though, because it sounds like they may well have good reason for not giving a toss. I think you just need to sort it for your husband's sake and accept that you can't make the rest of his family care when they don't (and probably for good reason).

IrregularCommentary · 05/01/2017 17:26

Do it for your dh.

Fabellini · 05/01/2017 17:27

It sounds as though the only person who will be upset at her funeral is your dh. In your shoes I would be doing my best to make it nice for him, from what you've said, he's struggling. So, help him.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 05/01/2017 17:27

Sorry for your situation op and that your DH is not coping.

Can I just mention that this is exactly the sort of thread the Daily Mail likes to lift atm and is very identifying.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 05/01/2017 17:28

I hated my ex husbands mother and she hated me.

When she died I couldn't have cared less, my exh couldn't deal with the funeral and his selfish bitch sisters merely raided her house and didn't give a stuff about the arrangements.

I arranged the funeral. Managed to piece together a lovely eulogy considering she had done nothing but sit and drink in her house for 45 years. Did the flowers and the music etc.

I did it for my ex, not for her or my exSIL. If I hadn't done it then nobody else would have although they were more than happy to take all the credit for the lovely funeral.

canyou · 05/01/2017 17:28

Do what is right for your DH, he needs that support.
The Church/Crematorium can guide on music and prayers. Undertaker can arrange flowers (simple and white is always nice)
If siblings will not help would DGC if there are any write a few memories. At her age if she was religious keep it religious and simple. We did for my DGM and it caused no fuss with anyone.

beelover · 05/01/2017 17:29

I agree, make it nice for the sake of your DH and hold your head high knowing you are a far better and kinder person than your MAIL and the rest of the uncaring siblings. These are for you!

Ilovecaindingle · 05/01/2017 17:29

Could get reason you are being ignored be a financial one? Maybe they think they are going to have to contribute if they have any input?

averylongtimeago · 05/01/2017 17:30

You aren't doing this for your MiL, she won't know either way, or for your other in-laws. You are doing this to help your DH, who you have said is struggling.
Be the better person, help the living. Your no doubt hugely expensive undertaker will know what to do.

MummyToThree479 · 05/01/2017 17:31

Regardless of if you liked her or not and wheather she had a "good innings" ( fucking hate people saying that like it doesn't matter they are gone)

Your DH is your husband who I assume you love and he is understandably upset after the death of his mother so I would without a doubt make the funeral nice for him I wouldn't have the memory of his mothers funeral ruined to make a Point to the family- now is not the time for that.

In my experience of arranging funerals and lord know with my family I've had so much experience of this, they are not difficult to make nice and most undertakers are fabulous at helping

beelover · 05/01/2017 17:31

*MIL obviously not mail

bellabelly · 05/01/2017 17:32

What Daily Fail said. You're supporting your dh at a very difficult time, NOT honouring your horrible MIL or helping your DH's rubbish siblings. Do it because you love your DH and he is busy grieving for his mum.

grendel · 05/01/2017 17:33

Make it nice for your husband. He needs your help right now.
Whether you liked your MIL or not doesn't come into it. This is one of those times where you just have to do your duty.
There's still time to arrange flowers - a week's notice is enough.
We found that the funeral directors were very helpful indeed in giving guidance on the content of the funeral, as was the celebrant / vicar (I've had to help organise an unfortunately large number of funerals in the past couple of years). You can do this.

Original poster

greatballsofcheese · 05/01/2017 17:33

Thanks, decision made, I'd do anything for my DH

OP posts:

NancyJoan · 05/01/2017 17:34

Do it. For your DH. The funeral people can sort the flowers, just tell them 'something yellow, in an oval', or whatever. You don't need readings/poems etc. If any of his siblings want to say something on the day, they can. Book table in the local pub for a meal afterwards, if they don't show, they don't show. Go with him on the day, then never think about it again.

SparkleShinyGlitter · 05/01/2017 17:34

Ok so you didn't like her but she was your DH mother and you only get 1 Mum.

I would absolutely make the day nice for my DH, isn't that what being in a relationship/ marriage is supporting each othe in tough times? Your DH is upset and grieving for his mother and is unable to make decisions right now so as his the man you love you do this for him.

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