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AIBU?

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Original poster

funeral arrangements MIL

56 replies

greatballsofcheese · 05/01/2017 17:20

I'm preparing to be slated here but I want to know if IBU.

My MIL passed away just before Xmas, to say there was no love lost between us is an understatement.
She had been ill for some time and was in her 90's so she had good innings.

MIL never had a good word to say about me or to me.
DH who is the eldest son (of 5) is the only one who lived close enough to visit her.
One sibling wouldn't have anything to do with her and hadn't spoken for 3+ years, the 3 live miles away and visited her perhaps twice a year.

DH is the eldest and lived closest, but he isn't well himself, he is disabled and is suffering from anxiety and various ailments.

Since MIL passed DH hasn't been coping at all, he cannot arrange anything or make a decision in normal day to day situations, so faced with sorting out a funeral is hard.

So far I have been making the funeral decisions, (undertaker, registering the death etc) I keep telling him he needs to speak to his siblings about arrangements, however he is leaving messages that they aren't returning, we have had to change the time of the funeral because they couldn't get to it in time
Frankly I'm disgusted with them, they aren't doing anything to help, causing stress and making a bad situation worse.

As I said I have been doing everything, but because of their attitude I have told my DH that I am NOT arranging her funeral and making decisions about music, poems, flowers etc.

So now we have a situation where her funeral is next week, we have no flowers for the coffin, no readings, no memories written, no poems, no real music selected and silence from the siblings who will hopefully turn up

What do I do?

I could sort all this out tomorrow and make it nice, but why the f*ck should I when the rest of her family don't give a toss.
It's not my decision, she's not my mother, she disliked me as I was never good enough for her son. I'm happy to support DH but surely that's where my input ends.

So do I make the funeral nice (r)
or leave it as it is and let her family see the consequences of their actions because if they don't give a damn why should I?

OP posts:
Bobochic · 05/01/2017 17:35

Do it to be kind to your DH.

CotswoldStrife · 05/01/2017 17:36

Make it nice, can't believe you are even asking this. Help your husband out here. I appreciate that you are upset with both your late MIL and your husband's family but you'd just be hurting your DH. Ask the undertaker to do most of the work.

Pinkheart5915 · 05/01/2017 17:38

Marriage is about supporting each other when things are tough and his just lost his Mum and despite what you though of her she was still his Mum. So if he can't i think understandably make decisions right now then you do it for him and make it nice.

Normally the undertakers are very helpful getting it nice

Ilovewillow · 05/01/2017 17:40

Do it for you husband and for yourself - you'll feel better in the long run!

Allalonenow · 05/01/2017 17:40

Yes, do it for your DH, and the undertaker will give you lots of help I'm sure.

Keep a very detailed record of every penny that you spend, transport, phone calls etc etc. Sure as eggs is eggs the siblings will query every tiny bit of expenditure.

GooseFriend · 05/01/2017 17:40

That is shit op and I want to acknowledge they have put you in an incredibly unfair position.

I would do limited flowers and ask people who want to do any to contribute to a charity in her name instead - this is common.

Is ask they under taker to arrange classical music.

I'd ask the person officiating to speak about her. If you can find anyone else to say a few words then great but you might not be able to find anyone.

It'll be nice. Don't worry. Hugs.

Allatseainthemidlands · 05/01/2017 17:41

Make it a simple and dignified service for the sake of your DH. You don't have to put a eulogy together. Just pick a couple of hymns and a reading- your funeral director or minister should be able to help with this very easily. If your MIL was horrible, try to focus on the new chapter this could begin for the wider family - it sounds as if they may all be struggling with negative emotions too. You don't need to fake regret over her passing but if you can pull a gracious and solemn service together it will help everyone in the long run. If she was religious you can read Psalm 23 and include the Lords Prayer and that will keep most people happy. Good luck- it's an exhausting business

Goje · 05/01/2017 17:41

How did your husband react when your MIL treated you badly? What did he do about it?

WriterNeedsHelp2017 · 05/01/2017 17:43

When my dad died, the funeral director was willing to take on everything - I know it's more expensive that way (something the FD hadn't bothered to mention) but it would come out of your MIL's money anyway.

Finola1step · 05/01/2017 17:44

Good decision. After next week, you will be able to say to yourself that despite how your MIL treated you, you treated her well, until the very end

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 05/01/2017 17:48

You don't say who is taking the funeral. If it is a local minister most of us are really experienced in doing this sort of funeral and can guide you through it.

Funerals can bring out the worst and the best in families. It is rubbish but the FD, minister, celebrant or whoever will take it in hand.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/01/2017 17:50

I helped a lot with the arrangements for my MIL's funeral and headstone because dh and his brother were having a hard time dealing with things, and I was glad to be able to help them. It helped a lot that I loved my MIL - I can absolutely understand how hard it would be to do all this for someone who you dislike, who has been consistently vile to you.

I think you are a good person for doing this for your dh, and he will really appreciate it, especially in light of how she treated you.

CotswoldStrife · 05/01/2017 17:51

Allalonenow may have a very good point about keeping a detailed list of the costs, funerals are a lot more expensive than people realise! I hope it goes well, OP.

purpleprincess24 · 05/01/2017 17:55

Also the funeral costs will be covered by the estate, before any beneficiaries are paid out,

Speak to your MIL's solicitor, if she had one, he may well have a note of her wishes regarding funeral etc. Our family solicitor has paid direct to the undertakers for a funeral in the past.

DownWithThatSort0fThing · 05/01/2017 17:58

I agree with the above - I would do it nice for her - for the sake of my husband.
Good luck x

EweAreHere · 05/01/2017 17:59

For me, it would depend on how well your husband stood up for you when his mother was treating you badly throughout your marriage. If it was for the duration of the marriage, he can't blame her poor behavior on senility, etc, and better have been on your side.

Funerals are for the living. If he was there for you, you should be there for him and do some of the basics so he's not upset. If he wasn't, well, I'm not sure I could do it myself. Tell his siblings to get on it.

TheSparrowhawk · 05/01/2017 18:01

Good on you OP. You're absolutely doing the right thing.

haveyourselfamerry · 05/01/2017 18:02

Good for you.

By the way, sorry to sound like a lawyer, but do make sure that you have evidence that you have notified the siblings well ahead of time (get proof of posting of a real letter, for instance, and put your return address on the back).

I just think it's the sort of situation where "no good deed goes unpunished" and it might suit them to not turn up then accuse you of "taking over" or "not telling them".

GinghamChicken · 05/01/2017 18:04

I believe that it is not necessary to have a public funeral either in a church or at a crematorium. Your funeral director will advise you, but I think I'm right in saying that you can have a burial / cremation with no formal service. Would this help, or do you think that your DH might regret not giving her a traditional 'send off'?

bigbluebus · 05/01/2017 18:04

There are lots of websites with suggested Funeral Hymns, poems, readings on them - mostly well known popular ones. Why don't you print some lists up ang get your DH to choose from a short list - which will make the decision making easier. He can choose things he would like - doesn't seem as though his siblings are interested. Here is one link:
funeralhelper.org/funeral-hymns/popular-funeral-hymns.html

CakesRUs · 05/01/2017 18:07

Good decision OP. Hope it goes ok for you and DH.

Goje · 05/01/2017 18:12

For me, it would depend on how well your husband stood up for you when his mother was treating you badly throughout your marriage

That is why I asked OP

lalalalyra · 05/01/2017 18:12

I think you are doing the right thing doing it for your husband.

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/01/2017 18:22

I would ask Dh if he wants you to arrange the funeral on your own and if so then arrange it. Do it for him.
She is gone now so you don't have to suffer her disappointed or disapproval, Then draw line under it and don't contact any of them again.

Softkitty2 · 05/01/2017 20:46

Do it for your husband because he is not able to. As long as you have given enough notice and tried to contact his siblings to let them know then the ball is in their court.
Proceed with your arrangements and lay her to rest.