funeral arrangements MIL

[greatballsofcheese]

I'm preparing to be slated here but I want to know if IBU.

My MIL passed away just before Xmas, to say there was no love lost between us is an understatement.
She had been ill for some time and was in her 90's so she had good innings.

MIL never had a good word to say about me or to me.
DH who is the eldest son (of 5) is the only one who lived close enough to visit her.
One sibling wouldn't have anything to do with her and hadn't spoken for 3+ years, the 3 live miles away and visited her perhaps twice a year.

DH is the eldest and lived closest, but he isn't well himself, he is disabled and is suffering from anxiety and various ailments.

Since MIL passed DH hasn't been coping at all, he cannot arrange anything or make a decision in normal day to day situations, so faced with sorting out a funeral is hard.

So far I have been making the funeral decisions, (undertaker, registering the death etc) I keep telling him he needs to speak to his siblings about arrangements, however he is leaving messages that they aren't returning, we have had to change the time of the funeral because they couldn't get to it in time
Frankly I'm disgusted with them, they aren't doing anything to help, causing stress and making a bad situation worse.

As I said I have been doing everything, but because of their attitude I have told my DH that I am NOT arranging her funeral and making decisions about music, poems, flowers etc.

So now we have a situation where her funeral is next week, we have no flowers for the coffin, no readings, no memories written, no poems, no real music selected and silence from the siblings who will hopefully turn up

What do I do?

I could sort all this out tomorrow and make it nice, but why the f*ck should I when the rest of her family don't give a toss.
It's not my decision, she's not my mother, she disliked me as I was never good enough for her son. I'm happy to support DH but surely that's where my input ends.

So do I make the funeral nice (r)
or leave it as it is and let her family see the consequences of their actions because if they don't give a damn why should I?

Do it for dh but expect no thanks and plenty of criticism from the siblings.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree it seems for this family. At least dh will be pleased and he's the only one you care about.

One thing I've learnt from organizing family funerals is that whatever you do, you will upset someone and someone will be unhappy with your carefully made choices (especially when they are not paying for it).
With this in mind, I feel it's best just to go ahead and to do whatever you deem as best for yourself/partner, as you will never please everyone.

Do it for your husband

You've come to the right decision. It'll be shit to do and you'll probably bite your tongue but it's the right thing for your dh

One thing I've learned is that funerals are for the living not for the dead. Do what you think your DH would do if he was in the right mindset. It isn't massive gift you can give him regardless of your feelings about MIL and the rest of his family.

You sound like a lovely person .

Typo - it IS a massive gift.