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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think only women with rich partners are encouraged and celebrated as SAHM.

321 replies

malificent7 · 04/01/2017 21:24

If you are skint or single then you are seen as lazy for wanting to be a SAHM.

This is following from my 'terribly entitled' thread. I made it very clear that I had to give up my teaching career as it was destroying my mental health. I am now a skint TA but much happier at work and I alos have time for dd.

The amount of people suggesting that I go back into teaching to balance the books even though it nearly ruined me was strange.
I was being encouraged to take up a more family unfriendly job.

Whereas if a woman in better circumstances comes on and says that she is struggling to balance work and family life she is often encouraged to give up work if she can afford it an did celebrated as being a good mother.

AIBU to wonder if SAHM are less stigmatised if well off?

OP posts:
Chamonix1 · 05/01/2017 07:38

My husband would always send me out to work, out of all my sisters/partners we are the highest earners.
My broke sister is celebrated for being such an amazing woman, who holds down part time work and has 2 school ages children.
I however returned to my job when my child was 1 and have worked full time since to everyone in my family it's easier for me as dh earns well so life is "easier".
Basically I'd have to disagree

Sixisthemagicnumber · 05/01/2017 07:55

Personally i couldn't possibly give up working once i have a child it ruins your CV having a gap of more than 3 months in it and even if my DP was rich id still want the satisfaction of providing for my DC myself

Comments like this make me feel really inadequate. I had to give up my job 10 years ago because my eldest child has such severe disabilities that there is no available childcare for him. I had worked full time since leaving school at 16 and had a decent career. But what do you do when your child can't access any childcare because of a disability? We had to make the choice for either DH or I to give up work and as he earned more it was more logical for me to become a sahm / carer. Giving up my job to have it replaced with £63 per week carers allowance is really shit but other than putting our child into full time residential care what choice did I have? So this idea of working to maintain independence is a nice idea but sometimes not entirely possible.

RebelRogue · 05/01/2017 07:59

I get the holidays to be a sahm and it is stressful... i agree. If being a sahm us that stressful Grindelwald.. why not just get a job? As a teacher? Best if both worlds then!

Oh the irony GrinGrinGrin

Plifner · 05/01/2017 08:02

Victim much?? Didn't like what people were telling you so start a cross thread.

EthelEgbert · 05/01/2017 08:06

even if my DP was rich id still want the satisfaction of providing for my DC myself
I do provide for my DC myself. It's just my DP who brings home the pay check.

drinkingchanelno5 · 05/01/2017 08:06

Nothing wrong with claiming benefits of it means you get more family time. That's what they're there for.

No it's not!

Strongmummy · 05/01/2017 08:10

Op I think you need to spend some time focussing on your mental health and get off social media/mumsnet AIBU. When you're vulnerable it really doesn't help (I speak from experience).

shovetheholly · 05/01/2017 08:14

Yes, I agree, there is an appalling class snobbery and prejudice against those on benefits that conceals the very real precarity of many of the 'wealthy' women who are dependent on their husbands' wages. SAHMs, whether wealthy or poor, have far more in common than divides them. (This is absolutely not intended to be a comment bashing SAHMs - but a comment about the way society and the legal system fail to protect those doing care work for free).

KathArtic · 05/01/2017 08:18

Personally i couldn't possibly give up working once i have a child it ruins your CV having a gap of more than 3 months in it

Come back when you've had kids!

Cosmicglitterpug · 05/01/2017 08:19

even if my DP was rich id still want the satisfaction of providing for my DC myself

Bully for you love. There's other ways to provide than financial.

These discussions always end up being so unsupportive of other's choices.

nocampinghere · 05/01/2017 08:45

i am a SAHM
i am not "dependent" on my dh's wages.
we have a joint account. it is "our" money.
and if anything happened to him, well 1) i am well qualified and confident i could get a job. 2) i have him well insured Grin

and no, we don't get any state handouts. no child benefit.
and no, we are not rich. well we don't feel rich. no fancy holidays or cars, but enough money for a good standard of living. that is enough for us at this point in life.

Ciutadella · 05/01/2017 08:47

"Nothing wrong with claiming benefits of it means you get more family time. That's what they're there for."

I assumed this was ironic?

nocampinghere · 05/01/2017 08:48

oh and DD1 went into childcare at 6 months old (i went back to work)
DD2 didn't as i didn't go back.

DD1 is in no way damaged or impaired i can assure you!

Mittensonastring · 05/01/2017 08:50

All people are a bit vulnerable if they rely on another person or the state to provide for them. Forget the SAHP side of this and the focussing on a job well done.

I have found myself as a SAHP due to ill health my rock solid marriage has had a very rapid decline due to an incident at Easter. This incident is not an affair or other love interest btw. I'm one of the women married to a wealthy man that now finds themselves in a conundrum. In the initial split we would just buy another house but wtf do I do for ongoing money when my savings run out. I would imagine people will think wtf is she moaning about but due to a chronic lifelong condition I will never be able to work again.

If I still had my old job I would have easily survived and just walked away way back at Easter without hesitation.

He actually doesn't want to split he still has his trophy wife which is what he calls me the complete ass that he is. My life went from having it all to being crap.

Manumission · 05/01/2017 08:51

Personally i couldn't possibly give up working once i have a child it ruins your CV having a gap of more than 3 months in it

You think ML puts a gap in a CV? Confused

nocampinghere · 05/01/2017 08:51

sorry Mittensonastring Sad and yes you're right about being more vulnerable in that instance

Mittensonastring · 05/01/2017 08:58

Yep serious ill health was not something I expected in my forties. I do have around 28 years of pension contributions though. There was some talk of me being a SAHP way back and I'm just relieved I didn't go down that route. Because if I had then I would not have had my own pension.

vj32 · 05/01/2017 09:01

I was a teacher, got pregnant on a temp contract and would have to go back full time or nothing (sadly only subject where there are always more good applicants than jobs!)

Now oldest DS is at school that would also mean missing every single play, assembly, special event at school as you cannot get time off in term time.

Im also now stuck because of the costs of childcare and the massive waiting lists around here mean I would have to predict what working hours I am going to have about a year in advance to get DS2 into decent childcare. And until he gets his 15 hours funding next term I would make a loss working. Yes, even on a teachers salary two lots of childcare would mean I would make a loss!

DH also works full time and is studying around that... hopefully only 6 months left then he should get a big pay bump for being qualified.

So as we can just get along on one salary, with CB and a bit of tax credits, we do. I would rather work part time, but its not an option at the moment. All the part time jobs (TAs etc) are filled by over qualified parents who want the flexible hours, who are prepared to work for min wage. I can't afford to do that yet.

People do assume we are well off as I'm a SAHM. We are well off in my view. Just not as much as many others. But we have a lot more than some. We are VERY lucky.

SheldonCRules · 05/01/2017 09:03

The proof of the pudding is in the eating = you cannot judge the success or otherwise of any family's parenting until the DC are adults. And while schadenfreude is a horrible emotion, I know far too many families with shipwrecks for DC. And they aren't the ones with SAHP!

If that statement was true then there would be no need for Ofsted and the
government to spend so much time and effort on pupil premium however they have a lot of evidence that suggests those children with no working role model far les well in adult life.

Of course SAHPs are dependent on someone else unless they have private income of their own, somebody is paying that choice for them not to work. With large gaps of inactivity on their CV the chances of finding a job when things go wrong are slim as employers want a work ethic and recent experience.

The myth that they are all out volunteering I've never found true either, all the events I attended last year for various causes and community where all working parents helping or retirees.

Benefits should be there for when a person falls on hard times through illness or a short term helping hand after a job loss, what they have become as we see time and time again is a choice where people can make decisions they can't afford at the cost of others. Financing your own child is a novel concept for many.

OP, if you can't hack being a teacher then you have no chance in law etc but there's a whole raft of jobs between TA and a lawyer. Just not many that are a few hours a day with thirteen weeks off a year.

Isetan · 05/01/2017 09:20

Part of choice making is taking responsibility for the implications of that choice, if that means surviving on a lower income then that's your prerogative but expecting your DF to routinely take up your financial slack as a result of your choice, isn't ok.

It's all about balance but OP your sense of entitlement regarding your choice says a lot more about you, then what strangers think about the diverse group, that are SAHP's.

Gowgirl · 05/01/2017 09:21

nocampinghere ditto the insuranceGrin, plus I don't do camping hence dcs are all in the scouting movement, I like a nice city break sans children myself Grin

TataEs · 05/01/2017 09:26

i'm a sahp, my husband has a well paid job and supports us. my family think it's incredibly lazy that i don't work. that i should work "for me." that it's such a waste of my education. that i must be bored. that i'll need a job when the youngest starts school.

it's water off a ducks back. i am happy and confident that our choice is what's right for our family.

if people have unsolicited opinions on your life just let them go over your head.

most ppl have no idea how much childcare costs. it's more than my current earning potential. and as we get no help i'd go to work and we'd lose money. but there's no point telling ppl that. the line is 'this is our choice, this is what works for us'

if you have 2 parents at home claiming benefits then u will get a bashing imo as that's no what benefits are for, and people will think you are lazy, you either live with that or one of you gets a job. but if you're a single parent with no fam ly support i understand why people make that choice.

Amarina4 · 05/01/2017 09:27

OP - people will judge you whatever you do. Don't think you're alone in this though.

I haven't worked since having our first child 13 years ago and probably never will. Now I'm 40 and my husband is 43. I'm not sure how I feel about admitting that here or in "real life". It's not because I'm unhappy with the life choices I've made - more that I'm very aware that other people would see my life as worthless.

My husband is a certain personality type who is very driven. He's an entrepreneur who has made the kind of money that we could never spend in our lifetime. We have 4 children, now all in school. I think if I had been working our family might have disintegrated because 4 children is a lot and it could have all been too much, given the way my husband is. I knew what he was like when I met him (sort of)! It's worked for us because we each understand what motivates us, we have mutual respect and balance each other out, so nothing has ever felt like a sacrifice for either of us.

Of course if I'd needed to work I would have done so. I have an MA and a professional qualification and maybe I could have gained a different kind of self respect if I'd followed through on what could have been my vocation. I don't know. I think every parent just does what they think will be in the best interests of their children, regardless of their situation.

HeadDreamer · 05/01/2017 09:29

Personally i couldn't possibly give up working once i have a child it ruins your CV having a gap of more than 3 months in it

Grindelwaldswand come back when you ahve children. And this is from a full time working mum of two. You don't put maternity leaves on your CV. If you are lucky enough to not have been made redundant or squeezed out during your pregnancy. You are legally still employed by the company, have annual leaves and also entitled to non cash benefits. (Such as company cars, phones). And bonus. If you apply for a mortgage during maternity leave, the bank takes your normal salary. (I've done it). HR will not write a letter saying you were on leave.

I took a year both times.

vj32 · 05/01/2017 09:31

Anyway, my point was if you are grateful for all the good things you have, and happy with the decisions you make for your family, its not up to anyone else, is it? Yes you might feel judged by others, but thats up to you to change how you feel about things. For me I'm a lot happier now, even having to explain to DS that he can't have certain things that his other friends have. Thats an important lesson for him too.