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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think only women with rich partners are encouraged and celebrated as SAHM.

321 replies

malificent7 · 04/01/2017 21:24

If you are skint or single then you are seen as lazy for wanting to be a SAHM.

This is following from my 'terribly entitled' thread. I made it very clear that I had to give up my teaching career as it was destroying my mental health. I am now a skint TA but much happier at work and I alos have time for dd.

The amount of people suggesting that I go back into teaching to balance the books even though it nearly ruined me was strange.
I was being encouraged to take up a more family unfriendly job.

Whereas if a woman in better circumstances comes on and says that she is struggling to balance work and family life she is often encouraged to give up work if she can afford it an did celebrated as being a good mother.

AIBU to wonder if SAHM are less stigmatised if well off?

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 04/01/2017 21:46

Yanbu. I've been a pt working lp for 8 years and it's bloody miserable and taken its toll on my mental and physical health. Kids have me working too.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 04/01/2017 21:48

Is starting endless threads on MN, and getting angry with people who bring up relevant info you leave out so as to only get the responses you like, really making your life better right now OP?

You have mental health troubles, you have financial troubles, you have work troubles, you have a troubled relationship with your family. Do these threads - antagonistic, only ever addressing a small part of your story - I mean are they helping you get back to a better place?

I don't honestly see how they can be.

rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 21:49

To answer your question, I would say that probably only people who can afford it, should have a stay at home parent. If you're permanently skint, have to rely on benefits or money from your dad, then maybe you do need to earn a bit more.

If you have a partner who earns plenty, then staying at home is not a problem.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 04/01/2017 21:50

A pointless SAHM bunfight which is irrelevant to your life circumstances right now and is only going to get heated and rehash arguments made a zillion times before here is DEFINITELY not going to enhance your life right now. Right?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/01/2017 21:50

YNBU. Neither party works, so What's the difference. Okay one spongers off the state what they've probably paid into, or at least their families have and the other spongers off their partners.

ShinyMoonFace · 04/01/2017 21:52

I do not think you have given an accurate summary of the responses to your other thread, tbh.

or an accurate account of what your other thread was about.

hibouhibou · 04/01/2017 21:52

Because OP is a single parent, perhaps working full time would mean she doesn't get a good balance between work and her family. Compared to a married couple where in moat cases one parent could quit working or work part time.

Anywhichway123 · 04/01/2017 21:54

I posted on MN a few months ago saying I was really fed up at having to return to work after having my baby. I had worked for over 20 years (Im in my 40's) and really wanted to be at home for a year and was shocked I couldn't get any financial help despite having paid thousands in tax and would be returning to full time work again. I was shocked at how abusive people were. Numerous people told me I was lazy and unreasonable. How the hell is wanting to take one year at home after having worked for over 20 years lazy? Lots of people told me it was my fault if I couldn't afford to stay home or my DH couldn't afford to keep me.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 04/01/2017 21:55

Your previous thread was nothing to do with SAHMs.

I think you should step away from online bun fights and get some advice and support from people who know and love you IRL.

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/01/2017 21:55

Er, hello?? Being a single parent (I was one too) does not mean you are entitled to sit at home and claim benefits!!!

Jeez,this place!!

hibouhibou · 04/01/2017 22:01

Not OP wants to work p/t. Has MH issues and wants to spend time with her DD. If that means she needs to top up them so be it. If that's all she can handle at the moment then there's nothing wrong with that. Things may change in the future but this is how things are for now for the OP.

hanban89 · 04/01/2017 22:05

Nothing wrong with claiming benefits of it means you get more family time. That's what they're there for.

Unfortunately me and DH don't get as much family time as we would like together as we are busy working and paying tax.
That is not what benefits are there for. They are there for people in real financial need. They should not be seen as a way of life. I would only give up work if we could survive on one wage.
Sorry if that sounds bitchy but that's just pissed me off.

EthelEgbert · 04/01/2017 22:05

I'm SAHM and guess we are 'wealthy' and I've been called lazy so it's not exclusively skint people who are called that.

One of the most vitriolic people about it was a single professional woman who was a neighbour. She seemed to be on a one woman campaign to convince anyone that she could that I was a lazy useless so and so. I couldn't believe her preoccupation with my life. It really isn't that scandalous!

Honestly I don't give a flying fuck who thinks I'm lazy. Why would anyone care what other people think about how they live their lives? It really doesn't affect me in any meaningful way.

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/01/2017 22:05

Don't we all want to spend time with our dc??

I'd guess majority of us have or have had mh 'issues'. Some of us may have had mh illnesses too

Can we all have some benefits please??

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/01/2017 22:06

Where's the kids father?? Can't he 'top them up'?Hmm

Redlocks28 · 04/01/2017 22:07

Is this the same OP who got a £30,000 inheritance but spent it on a car, travel and making memories and then complained that her dad wouldn't buy her a house?

I would have loved to have been a sahm but we couldn't afford it. That's as simple as it gets really.

SheldonCRules · 04/01/2017 22:08

I wouldn't encourage anyone, male or female, to choose not to work and let either the state or another adult pay for that choice.

Too much can go wrong, it's an unfair burden on someone and to choose not to work shows laziness.

I don't see many posts encouraging it though but do see several encouraging women to never give up their financial independence.

Itsallabitcrazyhere · 04/01/2017 22:08

Nothing wrong with claiming benefits of it means you get more family time. That's what they're there for.

Reading that after reviewing DH & I's annual tax statement after a 13 hour day was fun..

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/01/2017 22:09

Exactly, Not stopped. These single parents didn't get pregnant on their own. Why aren't the fathers hounded

AbernathysFringe · 04/01/2017 22:11

If someone is a single parent their two options are to work full time to support themselves and their child, thereby relying on someone else to raise their child or to be on benefits and raise their child themselves. To clarify the 'what benefits are there for' argument. Not everyone has family to childmind even part-time and not everyone has a nursery or childminder that they would want to raise their child for them. We're lucky that the gov. considers it important to give poorer, single people the choice to be with their child.

Excited101 · 04/01/2017 22:12

Oh op, really?? Your other thread(s) didn't get you the responses you want so you try again?!

This is not about being a SAHM or not, it's about your inability to prioritise properly and take responsibility for your actions and life. It's a shame, but until you do- then no-one can help you.

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/01/2017 22:12

Benefits are a safety net.... not for sahm lifestyle choices

Thank god measures are being put in place to put a stop to this

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2017 22:12

Op. I think you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. No one gives a shit until you are unable to cope financially or live within your means, you are not a stay at home mum, you've chosen a low paid job as it suits you and everyone would applaud that, where it goes down is where you need to borrow money, like the twenty quid for petrol money that you asked your dad for.

You can't have it all, what would you do if someone wasn't there to bail you out? You will be applauded for chosing a job that suits you, you will not be applauded for asking your dad for money then whinging that he complains but ponies up the cash.

EthelEgbert · 04/01/2017 22:13

to choose not to work shows laziness.

Maybe it just vastly overcomplicates our lives for both of us to work.

What's wrong with being lazy?

I'm not but everyone seems to think that living a leisurely life is evil!