To think only women with rich partners are encouraged and celebrated as SAHM.

[malificent7]

If you are skint or single then you are seen as lazy for wanting to be a SAHM.

This is following from my 'terribly entitled' thread. I made it very clear that I had to give up my teaching career as it was destroying my mental health. I am now a skint TA but much happier at work and I alos have time for dd.

The amount of people suggesting that I go back into teaching to balance the books even though it nearly ruined me was strange.
I was being encouraged to take up a more family unfriendly job.

Whereas if a woman in better circumstances comes on and says that she is struggling to balance work and family life she is often encouraged to give up work if she can afford it an did celebrated as being a good mother.

AIBU to wonder if SAHM are less stigmatised if well off?

Wow. So what happens if we all go for the 'more family time' option? Who will cough up the benefits money? No, it's ok - you're welcome.

Me and my husband raise our children. A childminder etc keeps them safe, fed and watered and occupied whilst parents EARN money. Following the 'raise' logic, none of us 'raise' our kids from age 5 onwards. Weird how they're all so different tho...

And my house is clean, my clothes are washed. I do it when I'm at home. Without the little sit downs and. MN/FB time (thus here at midnight!)

Somebody else raising your children is the biggest woman beating tool in the arsenel.

Dads have managed to raise their children and be good/amazing/awesome dads for years.

Sahm is a 1950s concept. Women have always worked.

This thread is a bit odd though, op is asking about being a sahm despite working. I wonder if you mean a low earning mother. It's ok imo if you can manage.

I think SAHM's are in a vulnerable position. People can't protect themselves against everything. But with higher retirement age I think a lot of women will find themselves in financial difficulties later in life when their marriages break down and child maintenance stops. How will they support themselves. I think this is a timebomb waiting to happen.

For those of you with very stressful kobs.... are any of you teachers?? Why not try it? Its a walk in the park what with all those long holidays and all!!

Kobs????!!!

Jobs i mean!

Personally i couldn't possibly give up working once i have a child it ruins your CV having a gap of more than 3 months in it and even if my DP was rich id still want the satisfaction of providing for my DC myself I couldn't possibly rely on him or even worse benefits especially not so I could have more free time hibihiou benefits are a safety net for the poorest people to survive they are not a lifestyle choice for you to abuse. No matter how much you've paid into the system either.

Teaching isn't the only stressful job out there.... plenty of others match it for stress!!

Boo hoo OP all job's are stressful. Been at home all day everyday with children and no job for respite is also even more stressful. Enjoy that.

To the poster who said i dont want towork much or in most job.. I work 35 hours a week. I am DYING to get out of education and fo new things but its not like i can just walk into being a surgeon or lawyer is it?

I went for 8 interviews for better paid jobs last year including one in a law firm ( which mumsnetters advised me not to go for due fo long hours.... did anyway) Didnt get any of them. Must be my fault.

Some people live on a different planet. Id love go know what that poster does for a living.

I get the holidays to be a sahm and it is stressful... i agree. If being a sahm us that stressful Grindelwald.. why not just get a job? As a teacher? Best if both worlds then!

Op. What is your actual problem?

but its not like i can just walk into being a surgeon or lawyer is it?

If you can't cope with teaching, I highly doubt you'd cope in either of these professions anyway.

I think the OP needs some sort of RL help this is definitely a pointless confusing post

I disagree that women with high earning partners get a free ride on this- it's a case of damned if you do, damned if you dont

SAHM = "lazy", "living off your partner", "what will you do if he leaves you?" "bad role model for your daughter" blah blah

WOHM= "what's the point of the money if you never spend time with your kids?", "they're only young once", "you dont even need the money", "someone else could have that job" blah blah

cant' please everyone so just own your choices.

You sound very angry and confused. I read your other thread linked as well. Please re read what Scaryclown said on it 4th Jan 14.13. It was very poignant and adult. I think you're not in that adult place and are letting your father treat you like a child. You're also letting your feelings be governed by your perception of how society views you. It doesn't sound like your parents were/are in an adult place either. So you're only modelling what you've been taught. I am a daughter of very immature parents as well. I've gone out and got therapy, learnt what I needed to learn, improved my mental health. It's very refreshing. I really can recommend you do the same. And maybe you'll start to lose the 'poor picked on me' mentality that you have right now. Giving up your job as you were being bullied was a good start in looking after yourself. Keep going.

Yes. YABVVVU. Once again.

I was a teacher. Both DH and I wanted me to be a SAHM until our youngest child was school age. So we saved and made sure we had enough savings behind us BEFORE I got pregnant. It isn't the state's job to subsidise our lifestyle choices.

As it happens I started teaching at night school after DS2 was born because I was going stir crazy at home. No childcare issues - DH was there.

When DS2 started part time nursery I went back to part time teaching. Yes, it is stressful but I like holidays, so it was worth it. We have choices. If people choose to give up well paid jobs to spend more time at home there is no reason why they should expect the rest of us to pay for that choice.

Yesterday 23:05 Bobochic

The proof of the pudding is in the eating = you cannot judge the success or otherwise of any family's parenting until the DC are adults. And while schadenfreude is a horrible emotion, I know far too many families with shipwrecks for DC. And they aren't the ones with SAHP!

Bobichic- you sound exactly like the sort of person who wants the children of working parents to turn out to be emotionally insecure, unhappy adults, because then you'll feel 'rewarded' for having not worked!

Sorry to disappoint you, but WOHP have been around a long time; hundreds of us have adult sons and
Daughters who went to childminders/nursery while
We worked. There would be some pretty solid evidence now if there was some huge difference between adults who had WOHP and those who had SAHP. There isn't. If you met my children you'd see well adjusted adults who have achieved well at school and university, have formed great relationships and are flourishing in their chosen careers. As you would if you looked at the adult kids of friends of mine who stayed at home.

I have no problem with people choosing to be a SAHP if they can afford it, they've considered the impact and their partner is comfortable with the decision too.

But do it for one reason only: because you believe it is the right thing for your family. If you have mindset like Bobochic, and are hoping your children will somehow turn out 'better' than the children of WOHP you stand to be disappointed!

Just to add, I returned to work when my dc1 was 3 months old, because that was the length of ML back then.
By the time dc3 was born i took a longer ML as legislation had changed. There is no long term difference in outcomes between them. I would say the only slight difference is that it took dc3 a bit longer to settle in childcare because he was older (3 month olds are actually very easy to leave as no separation issues. Physically hard work but not emotionally)

There is so much guilt tripping around the concept of being a WOHP, sadly almost 100% of it coming from women who feel threatened by others.

There really doesn't need to be this big divide. Maybe it's not particularly headline-grabbing, but the truth is, my children have grown into lovely young adults and I'm sure they would be pretty much the same if I'd stayed at home. No 'better', no 'worse.'

I understand that this has turned into an interesting discussion for many about SAHP and WOHP etc, but the Op is being a bit disingenuous when she says that her query was on the back of how she was treated on her other thread which has already been linked to.

I will say what I said on that thread too. The OP sounds very confused and very unhappy, and not yet quite willing to proactively seek practical solutions for the issues she is facing.I very genuinely hope she does seek the support she needs to move forward in her life.

ShinyMoonFace Thu 05-Jan-17 06:39:57
I understand that this has turned into an interesting discussion for many about SAHP and WOHP etc, but the Op is being a bit disingenuous when she says that her query was on the back of how she was treated on her other thread which has already been linked to.

I will say what I said on that thread too. The OP sounds very confused and very unhappy, and not yet quite willing to proactively seek practical solutions for the issues she is facing.I very genuinely hope she does seek the support she needs to move forward in her life.

This. 100x This

Shiny

OP I also read your other thread and my understanding was you had a job with family friendly hours but issues with spending/finances and being financially reliant on your Dad, so posters suggested other ways for you to increase your income.

You say other posts encourage working mums to become SAHMS if they can afford to do so and surely that's the crux of it - if you can afford to do it and want to, then do. If you can't afford it, the advice is the same whether you are married or single - you carry on working, in what way you can to earn the money to pay your bills.

I don't really see SAHMs being celebrated whatever their wealth status. I think there tends to be more respect for working mums these days although maybe it's different in different circles. Not that there's anything wrong with being a SAHM. You aren't though OP, you've chosen a lower stress lower paid job over a higher stress higher paid job. I'd say that's a perfectly valid life choice that lots of people make.

Women/mothers can't win, and can't have it all. If you want to continue your career, and have a baby, you end up doing both half arsed. Women miss out on promotions when pregnant, and the child goes into childcare, so she feels guilty for that. Childcare takes a huge chunk of the mother's earnings.

If the mother gives up work to care for her children, then she's "lazy" and work shy.

We can't win. Dads everywhere are juggling being a parent with a career, but it doesn't seem to get mentioned. I suppose it's the pregnancy bit that puts women out of action at work is the difficult bit for employers.

Ultimately, we're all just trying our best to muddle along and do the best for our families. The world's run on bullshit, and people shouldn't be judgy of other people's choices.

I think this simply boils to whether or not you-as a household-can afford one person to be a sahp. If you can-without requiring hand outs from the state or elsewhere, then that's great and it's no one else's business.

If you need help from the state or your dad then you probably can't afford it.