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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think only women with rich partners are encouraged and celebrated as SAHM.

321 replies

malificent7 · 04/01/2017 21:24

If you are skint or single then you are seen as lazy for wanting to be a SAHM.

This is following from my 'terribly entitled' thread. I made it very clear that I had to give up my teaching career as it was destroying my mental health. I am now a skint TA but much happier at work and I alos have time for dd.

The amount of people suggesting that I go back into teaching to balance the books even though it nearly ruined me was strange.
I was being encouraged to take up a more family unfriendly job.

Whereas if a woman in better circumstances comes on and says that she is struggling to balance work and family life she is often encouraged to give up work if she can afford it an did celebrated as being a good mother.

AIBU to wonder if SAHM are less stigmatised if well off?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 04/01/2017 21:26

And btw..I don't want to be a SAHM as I'd go mad but the attitude that I must take on a more stressful job when I am a single mum with mh issue is very odd indeed.
I like my family friendly job even if I am skint.

OP posts:
NotStoppedAllDay · 04/01/2017 21:27

Haven't seen your other thread but if you can support your family on less pay then great.... if you take benefits to support your choice then yabu

SexTrainGlue · 04/01/2017 21:31

TAAT?

Can someone link the first one?

FatalKittehCharms · 04/01/2017 21:31

But you're not a SAHM, you're working. Maybe the people in your life wanted you to have more money by working as a teacher.

TheSpottedZebra · 04/01/2017 21:32

I did see your other thread. I think the advice was maybe to take a look at your spending patterns/ reliance on your dad - it wasn't knocking SAHMs.

hibouhibou · 04/01/2017 21:33

Nothing wrong with claiming benefits of it means you get more family time. That's what they're there for.

wizzywig · 04/01/2017 21:33

nope, i see people in general think sahm'ing is a lifestyle choice and that regardless of bank balance, you are a nothing if you are a sahm, especially if your kids are at school.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 04/01/2017 21:33

It's none of my beeswax what anyone does but I think you're wrong to say that any SAHM gets an easy time, just like the ones who work outside the home, they have all made the wrong choice according to some.

TheRollingCrone · 04/01/2017 21:34

Ooh malificent very interesting, i've not read your other thread... but and this is a bit of a jump, I was reading an academic psychology article last night- the thrust of which is an experiment where subjects were shown pictures of poor people/rich people, and depressingly the area of the brain activated when looking at poor people (in a lot) of the participants was the "disgust" zone Shock Sad.

So like I say, huge leap, probably apropos of nothing- but yes I agree totally with you in your assessment of others judgements.

But really fuck 'em Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 04/01/2017 21:35

The key issue is finances. If you are skint and single then of course there is concern over how the children will be fed, clothed, kept warm etc. If you are married to someone that can afford to cover all those costs then by all means go for it.
That said, I've come across many women that chose to SAH only to find themselves 15/20 years later with nothing but the clothes on their backs after divorce and no real career prospects.
Swings / roundabouts.

TheRollingCrone · 04/01/2017 21:36

Oh and as you know a Mothers place is in the wrong...

Work full time ... wrong
SAHP. ...wrong
And so on ad nauseum

StarCrossdSkys · 04/01/2017 21:37

Wealthy women can pull off being a SAHM better. They are extremely busy all day with important things like interior designers and tennis coaches. I would be lying in the sofa with Homes under the Hammer. Therefore I must work.

DoubleCarrick · 04/01/2017 21:38

I left teaching to earn significantly less. I work less hours and am a lot harder up financially now. I'm so much happier and don't regret it for a second. There's more to life than having disposable income. I'm very lucky that we just about get by although things are about to get a whole lot tighter when baby arrives next week

Manumission · 04/01/2017 21:39

I only saw the early part of your thread.

I must admit I vaguely assumed that you and the other women posting similarly had higher-earning DPs. Not because I judge (I worked PT and claimed TCs between my marriages when DC1 was small) but because needing top ups in this climate must feel a bit worrying.

Anyway, what happened on your thread?

helzapoppin2 · 04/01/2017 21:39

Sorry, I haven't read the other thread.
I've been a teacher and a TA, and was eventually able to go back into teaching.
Ive known a number of teachers do that at different points in their careers.
The decision is yours and isn't anyone else's business, but it won't stop people who don't know the whole picture giving you the benefit of their opinions. Stick to your guns, and be happy knowing you've made the right decision for now and try not to care tuppence about other people's opinions.
Some people will give anybody stick, even those with rich partners!

Letseatgrandma · 04/01/2017 21:40

Nothing wrong with claiming benefits of it means you get more family time. That's what they're there for.

Is that what benefits really are for?

TitaniasCloset · 04/01/2017 21:40

Yanbu I absolutely agree.

You have a mental health issue so right now its about taking things at the pace you can, whether or not you get benefits too is not the point. You are ill and unable to cope with the stress right now. Well done for still going out there and trying, you could just stay at home and feel even worse.

Yes there is a big difference in the way rich sahm are viewed. In fact all sahm mothers are doing the same job and its much harder on less money.

Its just another example how judgemental and lacking in compassion this country has become. We are now a country that accepts benefit sanctions for the disabled and single mothers and our DSS directs people to charity food banks for help, I never thought I would see this in my lifetime. Why aren't we rioting about this and out in the streets marching? We should be but we have this daily fail and channel five drip feed winding people up and misrepresenting the working class.

Most women do not choose to be single mothers, they find themselves in impossible situations and I don't hear anyone kicking up a fuss about the useless dads.

Oh I could go on and on.

My point is, you are ill, do what is best for you and feel proud of yourself despite any criticism from people who really don't understand.

Finola1step · 04/01/2017 21:41

hibouhibou are you being serious? The benefits system isn't there so that parents can spend more time with their dc! It is to address real financial need.

Now I see nothing wrong in malificent7 claiming top up benefits because her mental health isn't currently strong enough to enable her to go back to teaching.

But not solely so she can spend more time with her dc.

WaitrosePigeon · 04/01/2017 21:41

Was your other thread the one about your Dad?

rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 21:42

Benefits aren't for giving people more family time!!

Love51 · 04/01/2017 21:42

silently so basically everybody is doing it wrong? So I'm in good company then!
malificent you make the choices that are best for your family. One of the great joys of being an adult is that unless you've been arrested or sectioned, you don't have to do anything.

SparklyLeprechaun · 04/01/2017 21:43

Nothing wrong with claiming benefits of it means you get more family time. That's what they're there for.

Nonsense.

TitaniasCloset · 04/01/2017 21:45

Love your comment star crossed!!!

Star for you!

rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 21:46

Hibouhibou

Could DH and I both give up work and claim benefits then-we'd both like more family time? Confused

crashdoll · 04/01/2017 21:46

I've seen plenty of threads where women are unmarried SAHMs (with relationship issues) and there is always at least one poster who points out how vulnerable the woman is in that position.

I think anyone who gives up work and leaves themselves financially vulnerable is foolish, be they in cohabiting with a "rich man" or not.

Your OP is disingenuous because you've had repeated issues with managing your low income. This isn't a criticism because it is hard being a single parent on a low wage. However, your situation is more complex than that.