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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm being unreasonable, or my husband?

64 replies

liliesanddaisies · 04/01/2017 16:18

Long story - please bear with me!

I'm a teacher, and had our (gorgeous!) daughter in June 2014. I went back to work after February half term in 2015 and I was HOD. I found it incredibly hard. DD was in nursery from 8 (the earliest I could leave her) to 4 on a good day.

We decided to move for family support and I got a new job, starting September 2015. The school was tough but it wasn't as much responsibility, and MIL would be able to have DD a couple of days a week. Unfortunately, MIL then decided to move herself!

The new job was horrendous and I was only there a term when a student accused me of unacceptable professional conduct. It was all absolutely awful and the school essentially said to me I could go quietly and be paid until the end of the month, which I did. In hindsight this was a mistake but I was so panicked and worried. As it turned out the school referred the whole thing to the NCTL so for nearly a year that was hanging over me.

So now it's over but our finances are in tatters. DH is exhausted he's working so much. I'm doing supply teaching but the pay's a bit rubbish and there's not much change after DD's childcare fees and I don't get paid for holidays (Christmas nearly killed us.) We have a huge mortgage.

DH wants me to apply for FT permanent roles and on paper I get this but I actually feel like throwing up at the thought. He just doesn't seem to get how badly damaged I am by my experiences.

What can we do? Sad

OP posts:
FuzzyOwl · 04/01/2017 16:25

Do you have to go back into teaching? I can understand why your DH wants to feel some security in terms of income coming in.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2017 16:26

Is there any way you could do tutoring or similar to fill in the income gaps?

TeaBelle · 04/01/2017 16:28

Can you increase your income (tutoring maybe) or decrease your outgoings (changing hours so that childcare is less)./

If not would you feel happier if you returned to teaching in a different environment (prison, private school, specialist teacher for a local authority or fostering agency, college) or could tpy go back but simultaneously retrain so you had an exit plan.

No idea if any of these are realistic but maybe something to explore

Original poster
liliesanddaisies · 04/01/2017 16:32

Unfortunately I don't think there's a huge amount of call for private tutors and even so it's not comparable to my old salary.

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 04/01/2017 16:50

If you can't to go back full time, can you down size or sell and take a lesser paid full time job. It's not fair your husband has to be unhappy and you don't. There has to be compromise.

DrinkingCocktailsInTheSunshine · 04/01/2017 17:07

I think your DH is being perfectly reasonable in asking you to apply for permanent roles. However, if you aren't happy to go back to doing a similar role to before, you will have to look at where and how you can make cutbacks on a lower salary. Do you have two cars? Could you sell one? Downsize your house? Change your childcare (perhaps looks for a childminder or nanny share)?

thatdearoctopus · 04/01/2017 17:07

It's not fair your husband has to be unhappy and you don't. There has to be compromise.

That's harsh. It's not just a case of the OP fancying lounging around painting her nails and reading magazines all day. She had a seriously stressful job and was hounded out of it unfairly, by the sounds of it. No one who isn't a teacher has any idea of what it's like when things go wrong like this. The job is hard enough at the best of times.

lilies, would a part-time post be a start? Or maybe full-time but without the HOD responsibilities? A new school for sure - it's amazing the difference being in a supportive place can make.

Original poster
liliesanddaisies · 04/01/2017 17:20

It's the thought of actually applying, and going through the recruitment process and explaining what happened in the last place, that makes me anxious. We can't really cut back anywhere to be honest.

OP posts:
Qwertie · 04/01/2017 17:47

It sounds like you were doing all of the nursery drop offs & pick ups & being the one whose head space was taken up with childcare and associated guilt. Do you think there was more your DH could have done to share the load with you at the time and is there more he could do now to make full time work more feasible?
How about moving back to your old area where you have more professional contacts and work experience? I would second going for a job share if the bulk of childcare is on your shoulders. Maybe have a look at non teaching vacancies with your local council?

Tinkerbec · 04/01/2017 17:48

Could you be a TA . TA's earn near m1 in my area.
I am not sure how much you are on.

I totally get why you do not want to go back. There are better schools out there though. Could you do a term on long term supply to ease back in and decide then?

flutterworc · 04/01/2017 17:54

Do you teach a subject that is taught at GCSE or A'Level. Exam marking might stop a few gaps for you? It's not phenomenally well-paid, but if you could make is essentially full-time during exam periods, you could maybe make it work? I fitted it around full time teaching & a TLR, marked the minimum number and after tax took home in region of £1500. If you could do extras or, god forbid, more than one component or subject you might be able to supplement your income by a fair chunk.

Many subjects are now marked electronically, so you can do it virtually anywhere with internet.

Be warned, however, that it's pretty hellish whilst it's happening! It's intense, but finite.

Good luck finding a solution!

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 04/01/2017 17:56

Can you move again to reduce your mortgage, especially as you moved to be near mil, who has now moved away, so your childcare costs are not reduced.

I totally get how damaging such allegations are, even though the outcome is positive and I can see how you got yourself out of there as quickly as you could. But you have suffered financially because of it.

Would a part time permanent role be enough of a compromise? Child care fees less and some free time, although work expands to fill the time available. Full time permanent teaching with a toddler.... I couldn't do it.

Maidupmum · 04/01/2017 18:03

I am currently in a very similar situation (left as a HT but NCTL not involved). I want to want to apply for jobs but I'm scared of the rejection and have lost all faith in my own abilities.
In my heart of hearts I KNOW I'm good at my job but once you've had your confidence so roundly knocked you are so fearful of 'putting yourself out there'.
PM me if you want and we can share personal statements and give each other confidence/ a kick up the arse!

Original poster
liliesanddaisies · 04/01/2017 18:06

It's explaining what happened re the allegations which is difficult for me. This applies if it's part time, TA, anything really. Can I just be clear here - the NCTL weren't involved. The school referred it but nothing came of it. Unfortunately it took almost a year for that to be confirmed.

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 04/01/2017 18:10

Do you really think a false accusation will put anyone off employing you? I imagine (maybe I'm totally wrong) that it's not an uncommon thing to happen in teaching.

Could you just leave it off your CV so it implies you went from maternity leave into supply teaching? Or if you put the job down, and they ask why you left, do you HAVE to disclose the complaint? Hopefully someone who knows about employment law can advise...

And obviously it's a big upheaval, but could you move again to get a more reasonable mortgage?

RichardBucket · 04/01/2017 18:11

By the way, I don't think your husband is being unreasonable at all. It sounds like he's pretty stressed at the moment too. Both of you need to be kind to each other. Flowers

rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 18:12

I understand your desperate feelings (I'm a teacher) but it sounds like your DH is pretty desperate too.

Were you completely cleared of the allegation? Can you just explain that-'a child make a false allegation and my name was completely cleared'?

There are a lot of teaching jobs around at the moment due to the crappy situation in education -heads need good teachers.

Go for some part time posts and see what happens.

Daisyfrumps · 04/01/2017 18:14

Downsize your home so you have a smaller mortgage and work PT.

toots111 · 04/01/2017 18:14

I would suggest you talk to a career coach who can help you regain your confidence before heading into interviews. It sounds like it's fear preventing you from applying and unless you can afford to never work again it's probably easier to get this fear out of your head sooner rather than later as it will only get worse the longer you are out of permanent work.

If there was nothing official re The complaint, can't you just say it didn't work out and that be it. If you agreed to resign then surely that's all they can say in your reference

Loopytiles · 04/01/2017 18:14

I think it might help to seek (individual) counselling or other help with your mental health, after those problems and your ongoing upset about it.

But I don't think it's U of a partner to want their partner to WoH, if well enough, as long as they're sharing parenting, domestics etc.

Loopytiles · 04/01/2017 18:15

You could simply say you wanted more time with your small DC.

rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 18:16

Was a reference agreed when you left this job?

INeedToEat · 04/01/2017 18:19

I'm in a simular field were suspension following an allegation is pretty normal. I've been suspended twice. It's a pain when registering with the governing body or when applying for new jobs.. but it's not unusual and you are not alone.

Maybe write a covering letter with any application you send out explaining the situation?

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 04/01/2017 18:20

I used to be a teacher and you are practically asked to give your soul. I can't go back either.
People have already suggested downsizing/ tutoring/sticking with supply/retrain to a different career.
Such a difficult situation for you.Flowers

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 04/01/2017 18:21

SATs marking too?