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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I'm being unreasonable, or my husband?

64 replies

liliesanddaisies · 04/01/2017 16:18

Long story - please bear with me!

I'm a teacher, and had our (gorgeous!) daughter in June 2014. I went back to work after February half term in 2015 and I was HOD. I found it incredibly hard. DD was in nursery from 8 (the earliest I could leave her) to 4 on a good day.

We decided to move for family support and I got a new job, starting September 2015. The school was tough but it wasn't as much responsibility, and MIL would be able to have DD a couple of days a week. Unfortunately, MIL then decided to move herself!

The new job was horrendous and I was only there a term when a student accused me of unacceptable professional conduct. It was all absolutely awful and the school essentially said to me I could go quietly and be paid until the end of the month, which I did. In hindsight this was a mistake but I was so panicked and worried. As it turned out the school referred the whole thing to the NCTL so for nearly a year that was hanging over me.

So now it's over but our finances are in tatters. DH is exhausted he's working so much. I'm doing supply teaching but the pay's a bit rubbish and there's not much change after DD's childcare fees and I don't get paid for holidays (Christmas nearly killed us.) We have a huge mortgage.

DH wants me to apply for FT permanent roles and on paper I get this but I actually feel like throwing up at the thought. He just doesn't seem to get how badly damaged I am by my experiences.

What can we do? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
liliesanddaisies · 04/01/2017 18:36

No reference agreed. I was never suspended which was why the subsequent referral to the NCTL came as a horrendous shock. We can't really downsize due to missing some mortgage payments and credit taking a battering. Exam marking is all very well and good but it's one month out of a year.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 18:40

Oh right-I thought that when you were asked to leave quietly and paid to the end of the month, a reference was normally agreed as part of the deal.

Were you cleared of the allegation-what happened?

Original poster
liliesanddaisies · 04/01/2017 18:43

The school found me guilty Hmm A girl claimed I'd pushed a boy off a chair.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 04/01/2017 20:55

Oh right- that sounds more complex. Were your union involved/supportive?

Itrynotto · 04/01/2017 21:18

You don't have to be a teacher. I understand that you are feeling desparate, I am guessing your husband is feeling the strain too. A difficult situation all round.

Waffles80 · 04/01/2017 21:26

What's your subject?

Crumbs1 · 04/01/2017 21:33

Did you push the boy off a chair? If not, was union involved and why didn't they negotiate a reference? If you are definitely not guilty as charged get legal support to challenge the record and get a reference agreed that does not mention it. If you are possibly guilty, ring a few schools, explain and contextualise with some assurance of why it would not be a problem in the future. If you teach a shortage subject you might still get taken on.

madgingermunchkin · 04/01/2017 21:43

So thatdearoctopus it's not acceptable for her to be put under pressure for her to go back to work, so they they don't lose their home, but it's perfectly acceptable for him to be under pressure to bring in a wage and keep the roof over their heads?

OP, what about doing something like retail in the interim? Bring a bit of money in to try and ease the pressure a bit. You are being unreasonable in that you don't see it being an issue. Your husband must be under a considerable amount of strain and I could understand why it would appear to him that you don't seem to be trying to help ease that burden at all.

Allthewaves · 04/01/2017 22:01

Dont work in teaching. Presume your secondary with a main subject qualification? Build on it or move sideways?

flutterworc · 04/01/2017 22:35

Dependent on your subject, there are exam series in the summer, yes, but also November resits and Functional Skills in January and March. I'm not suggesting this as an alternative to a job, but that it might supplement your income whilst you get back in an even keel. As an English teacher I get examiner requests from Boards for all of these sessions.

Waffles80 · 05/01/2017 07:44

There's the International GCSEs which have entry points in Nov / Jan too.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 05/01/2017 07:59

Do you want to keep teaching? If so, then there's lots of good advice above, and your union should be able to help with sorting references etc.

In the kindest possible way, it seems like you're blocking many of the suggestions above, so maybe going back to teaching isn't what you want at all? There are so many transferable skills - communication, planning, team work, coaching etc - that a career change shouldn't be impossible. Are there other careers that you'd be interested in or is it the whole idea of working full time that is the problem?

KathArtic · 05/01/2017 07:59

Come here (North East) we are desperate for good teachers. Housing is cheap too (3bed semi, driveway, garden) 200k).

Megatherium · 05/01/2017 08:10

Try getting on the books of a tuition agency? Local authorities sometimes use them for children who need home tuition for health reasons.

allchattedout · 05/01/2017 08:30

Go to see a mortgage broker who specialises in people with bad credit. It might not be as bad as you think, or there might be steps you can take to improve it. I think you have a choice of either selling and downsizing to something cheaper and working part time or getting a full time job. The money won't magic itself up so something needs to be done. Neither of you is really being unreasonable.

Scooby20 · 05/01/2017 08:41

Neither of you is unreasonable.

The facts are that you need more money coming in. Family finances are both your respeonsibility.

How you achieve that is the difficult part. You need to tackle this or look at changing jobs to get a permanent amount of money coming in.

I sympathise that you are struggling to face interviews. I really do. But the money situation cant continue.

Softkitty2 · 05/01/2017 10:09

Something has to give. Either you downsize, sell and rent, go back full time. You can't have a solution without drastic changes i'm afraid.

anotheryearcomesandgoes · 05/01/2017 11:48

So you were dismissed?

You need to look carefully at application forms as some ask this specifically. You also have to give a full employment chronology as part of safer recruitment and last employer as a reference and so in teaching it cant be hidden.

Maybe try and get a long term supply which should give you a school reference.

anotheryearcomesandgoes · 05/01/2017 11:49

You also need to involve your union to see if they can negotiate with the school about references. Were they involved at the time? If so sound like they didn't do a great job.

BIgBagofJelly · 05/01/2017 12:32

Could you try a change of career? Tutoring? Private sector? Smaller house? I don't think YABU but if your DH is also incredibly stressed and overworked I guess the pair of you need to find a solution in which you're both living a bearable life!

Original poster
liliesanddaisies · 09/01/2017 20:28

Thanks for your answers.

No, I wasn't dismissed. Truthfully the union were no help whatsoever - they couldn't have been any less interested throughout this saga.

Of course I didn't push the boy off the chair.

I was told there had been an allegation made against me. Bear in mind I had not been at the school even a term at this point ... I was not suspended.

It was close to the deadline for resigning. I resigned.

I was given the opportunity to leave there and then with a good reference, which I did. Then several months later out of the blue I got a letter from the school telling me they were going to hold a meeting about my conduct. They did so, decided I was guilty, and referred it to the NCTL.

I don't understand it either but it's in the past. It's left my career in tatters though and I can't get husband to understand ...

OP posts:
Waffles80 · 09/01/2017 20:40

Did you go to the union's head office, not just your local branch?

Can I ask which union, and if you were a member or approached them once the difficulty arose?

Original poster
liliesanddaisies · 09/01/2017 20:59

All the contact was over the phone. I'd been a member for years. Anyway, it's done now, it's in the past. It's how to move forward I'm interested in :)

OP posts:
Whosthemummynow · 09/01/2017 21:11

Even if you husband did understand.... You still need to get a job! Any job! You've missed mortgage payments and are hanging on by a thread, something needs to give

Lunar1 · 09/01/2017 21:13

Is there anything you can see yourself doing? Your husband needs to be able to see that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

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