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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put the final nail in the coffin with my ex best friend?

101 replies

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 14:43

I had a best friend who I had been friends with since about 5 years old. She was my very best friend, like a sister to me.

When I had children, things changed and she became weird towards me. We had a massive row Xmas 2013 over something silly but she brought all these feelings to the foreground about how she felt that I had no time for her anymore etc and a lot of hurtful things were said on both sides.

I now have 2 DC's and Xmas just gone I swallowed my pride and sent her a Facebook message, asking if we could meet up when she was next in town and clear the air. She replied favourably, even saying that she would like to meet my 2 DC's. I didn't hear from her over Xmas so assumed she had not come back to visit her parents.

Today I happened to see on Facebook a video that she had posted of her at her parents house having Xmas dinner on Xmas day. I saw it because a mutual friend had commented on it and and it came up on my news feed (I'm not friends with her on Facebook) So she had been back in town and not contacted me to meet.

To say I'm hurt is an understatement. I offered the olive branch and she has rejected it. It's not like she was just a friend - she was like family to me for 25 years and maid of honour at my wedding.

AIBU to just block her on Facebook so that I don't see any further updates from her and just accept that the friendship is over forever? Hurts like hell but it's hurting me more to see that she doesn't care Sad

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 04/01/2017 17:38

I knew a mother with children she left her children so she could go traveling to see friends around the country. If my memory serves me well she even went to France to visit a friend. I do envy her a weekend with out the kids to catch on old times. Sounds nice.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/01/2017 17:38

Pinky, I have read the thread, I can tell you are hurting.
I think that maybe, this ship has indeed sailed.
If you feel more comfortable blocking her on Facebook, then do so.
You were friends for a long time, but unfortunately, friendships do end, for many reasons.
Try and put this one behind you, and like your friend, move on.

Imaweeble · 04/01/2017 17:39

I have a very good friend who lives near my parents and when I go back I always try to make the effort to pop in and see her, however sometimes even though I make arrangements I have to change or cancel them due to other things going on, especially at Christmas time. I do agree op that a simple short message to say "sorry I can't meet this time as I'm a bit busy" would've been polite but maybe your friend got caught up in the festivities and forgot to message. Maybe you could drop her a text just to say sorry u didn't get a chance to meet up and that u hope that it will be possible next time she's over. I wouldn't cut all contact as this has happened with another of our friends who decided to cut us out of her life with no real explanation and it hurts. A new year is about building bridges and even though u and your friend have gone in different directions it would be nice to keep in loose contact.

Puppycottonlane · 04/01/2017 17:40

How is wanting a mother to travel to France and leave her newborn daughter the same as finding an hour away from your parents over a 3/4 day period, in the same town!! Honestly some of you posters need to get a grip! I can imagine that if he OP posted a thread saying "AIBU to leave my 4 week old daughter to travel to France on a girl's holiday, even though we can't afford it" you would all be up in arms!!!!

Topseyt · 04/01/2017 17:41

I can see some of what you say, and I think she could have messaged you to say that she wouldn't be able to meet up.

However, you have just said that you didn't expect her to prioritise her family over you. You should have expected that though. She doesn't visit them all that often, so must prioritise them. It would be ridiculous if she didn't.

Overthinker2016 · 04/01/2017 17:43

So the reason you originally stopped speaking was that she asked you to visit and you said no?

See I might ask a friend with children to go on holiday or for a weekend away on the basis that I don't want my friends to think I don't want to see them or hang out because they are now mothers. So I would still ask. Although I would most likely expect a no and not be offended if the answer was no.

Why have you left it so long to try to extend an olive branch. Life is short!

BillSykesDog · 04/01/2017 17:45

Puppy babies go in slings and are very portable unless people cba.

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 17:49

Yes she expected me to visit France and I said no. We then got into a row and she said some incredibly hurtful things (as did I to her) which over the years I have found hard to forgive which is why it's taken me so long to offer the olive branch.

Bill Never mind that I "cba" I didn't want to take her on a plane at 4 weeks old. I was nervous about going out with her anyway in the first few months nevermind take her on a plane on her own. Incredibly harsh and stupid thing to say

OP posts:
pseudonymph · 04/01/2017 17:54

Does she have children, Pinky? There's got to be more to it than just the Tenby/France issue - or at least something that made that a flash point. I'm guessing your lives are in quite different places (metaphorically, as well as geographically) these days?

Puppylanecottage · 04/01/2017 17:54

Haha Bill - well I didn't leave the house for the first 6 weeks that my baby was born so what you suggest is ludicrous to the average mother. Biscuit

pseudonymph · 04/01/2017 17:58

Also: do you actually want to make up with her - bearing in mind that that's not exactly the same thing as wanting to turn back the clock to when everything was easy?

Your annoyance at her demand for you to go to France is come across much more strongly than your wish to be friends with her again, which is making me wonder if you're actually through with her, but don't want to acknowledge it? I could be wrong though.

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 18:01

No she doesn't have children.

France/Tenby was how the argument started and she then brought up other examples such as the time that she wanted me to go to Africa to help in an orphanage just after I got married. I declined the offer as it would have meant being away for 6 months and I was just married and she seemed ok at the time but brought it up in the argument saying I was a bad friend etc. it just escalated and then she deleted me saying she didn't want to speak to me anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 18:03

I know things will never be the same between us and the friendship will most certainly never be what it was but I would have liked to have been on speaking terms with her atleast. She was a massive part of my life and I miss her

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 04/01/2017 18:03

I think it's possible that her feelings have just cooled since your first Facebook message, seeking a reconciliation. At the time of your message, neither of you had communicated for three years after a "massive row", in which hurtful things were said on both sides, but you had reached a stage where you wanted to forgive and forget, and so reached out to her, hoping she felt the same way. The trouble is that there is no way of knowing how your friend had been feeling when she received your message - it may be that she had gone through all the stages of mourning your friendship and now considered it completely over. When she got your message, she may have been surprised into a temporary reawakening of friendly feelings and briefly thought the friendship could be rekindled - hence the agreement to meet - only to realise in the cold light of dawn that, from her point of view, it was actually well and truly over. In that case, it was actually more honest to let it drop, hoping that you'd take the hint when there was no more communication. It may be that there is no hope of reviving this friendship, OP - there is certainly nothing more that you can do anyway. It is now up to your friend to decide whether or not she wants a rapprochement and, if she does, you'll hear from her.

SecondsLeft · 04/01/2017 18:37

I think she has mixed feelings - she was glad you messaged because it cleared the air and resolved difficult feelings about the rupture. But she doesn't want to actually reconnect because then she will have to face either feeling bad about the past, or feeling let down again (and she clearly has some pretty unrealistic expectations of you - she will maybe look back and realise this in a few years). She avoided the issue by not getting around to messaging you. Leave the ball in her court, and decide what you want to do if she ever gets in touch in future, or if she never does.

P1nkP0ppy · 04/01/2017 18:48

I'd just send a brief message saying 'I'm sorry we didn't manage to meet up, Happy New Year and hope to see you sometime' and leave it at that.
You're festering over possibly unintentional hurts because she didn't/couldn't meet up. Drop it. Move on.

HorridHenryrule · 04/01/2017 18:53

You're very different people and maybe she realised that. People do drift apart you both want different things from life.

slinkysaluki · 04/01/2017 19:06

Something very similar happened to me with someone I had been friends with since primary school. That was 16 years ago when my son was 2. Used to think about her every day but she barely registers my thoughts these days. Move on and meet new friends. X

hippyhippyshake · 04/01/2017 19:10

Yes, I'd do what p1nk said.
Both parties have to be in the same frame of mind to clear the air effectively, maybe she thought about it and realised that time hadn't come.

slinkysaluki · 04/01/2017 19:12

Same as you we had been friends for 25 years. She obviously isn't as bothered about making things good, she would have been in touch if she was, Xmas or no Xmas. The hurt fades believe me.

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 19:34

I hope so Slinky. It's so raw at the moment it feels like I could sob

OP posts:
PlayingGrownUp · 04/01/2017 19:45

So from what I understand both of you were besties. You got settled down, she didn't and invited you on things to do as a single person which you said no and after one of these she got upset as she thought you were choosing your settled life and priorities over any of her offers or invites. You haven't spoken since until a few months ago when you talked online and now you're upset because she didn't contact you while she was home?

I'd say she came home for a few days at Xmas and either has been busy, has forgotten entirely as it sounds as though you haven't spoken in the weeks running up to Xmas or has thought that you wouldn't be able to meet up due to kids and Xmas.

If you want to be her friend again add her on FB, like her pictures talk to her online and then when she is coming back for a few days make concrete plans.

Do you know much about her life now other than she's apparently not married or has kids?

HorridHenryrule · 04/01/2017 19:45

It is sad but the older you get the less people you have around you. If you did go with her for 6 months you may have gone home to know husband. Going by her attitude would she have cared. Try and think reasonably about the kind of friendship you had. Has she always been the type of person who wants her own way.

sonjadog · 04/01/2017 20:07

I recognize what your friend has done regarding meeting up at Christmas because I have done similar myself several times. It really has nothing to do with you.

I live abroad long term. I go back for a few days once a year. I know far to many people in my hometown to visit them all. Even if I prioritize the most important to me, I still end up with visiting five different people every day and I go back home exhausted and burnt out from it all. So if I am already tired from work or whatever before I go back, it is no break for me - it just adds to the exhaustion. So sometimes I go back and I see just my Mum, or sometimes I see just one friend. I try not to announce the visit as I really don´t want to hurt my other friends´ feelings and I don´t want to get into a discussion of our friendship. I don´t know how I am going to feel about the visit until a short time before, so I can´t really plan. So if friends message me about meeting up next time I´m back, I will probably say yeah. But it is more a sign that I like them and want to have contact than a promise that I will actually meet them.

I suspect this is what your friend has done. I can also see that it could be hurtful to be on the receiving end, and if you can´t deal with it, then I think you should cut her out. But if you can take a step back and not see it as personally directed at you, then I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt. If you want contact, why not chat to her on Facebook for a while? Get to know her again that way, and maybe you can meet up on a later visit.

slinkysaluki · 04/01/2017 20:21

Pinky it gets easier really it does. You could send her a quick message saying your sorry you didn't get to see her at Xmas and then see if she gets In touch if you really didn't want to leave it there but be prepared to be disappointed if no answer. Personally I'd leave it as I said if she wanted to see you she would have made the effort. Sometimes even after all those years as friends we change as people and have nothing really in common x

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