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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put the final nail in the coffin with my ex best friend?

101 replies

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 14:43

I had a best friend who I had been friends with since about 5 years old. She was my very best friend, like a sister to me.

When I had children, things changed and she became weird towards me. We had a massive row Xmas 2013 over something silly but she brought all these feelings to the foreground about how she felt that I had no time for her anymore etc and a lot of hurtful things were said on both sides.

I now have 2 DC's and Xmas just gone I swallowed my pride and sent her a Facebook message, asking if we could meet up when she was next in town and clear the air. She replied favourably, even saying that she would like to meet my 2 DC's. I didn't hear from her over Xmas so assumed she had not come back to visit her parents.

Today I happened to see on Facebook a video that she had posted of her at her parents house having Xmas dinner on Xmas day. I saw it because a mutual friend had commented on it and and it came up on my news feed (I'm not friends with her on Facebook) So she had been back in town and not contacted me to meet.

To say I'm hurt is an understatement. I offered the olive branch and she has rejected it. It's not like she was just a friend - she was like family to me for 25 years and maid of honour at my wedding.

AIBU to just block her on Facebook so that I don't see any further updates from her and just accept that the friendship is over forever? Hurts like hell but it's hurting me more to see that she doesn't care Sad

OP posts:
GTS · 04/01/2017 15:50

I had something very similar happen to me. Lots of text messages backwards and forwards, then...nothing.
Let her go. Try not to feel too hurt by it all over again, you have just obviously both moved on.

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:03

I think people are getting confused with that I pushed for a meet up, the original message I sent was a general "hi how are you" and as she responded favourably I then suggested a meet up somewhere neutral. She was then the one to say she was back at Xmas and would message me to meet up, so if it was a case of that she couldn't fit me in she would have said so in the original message or even just messaged to say her plans have changed. It's a small town we live in, she must have known that I would find out she had been back and not contacted me.

Also this a person I've know for 25 years and been extremely close to, this isn't just a friendship from school that fizzled out. We spoke every single day up until that argument in 2013.

I just know that if the shoe was on the other foot I would have atleast messaged to say that I had no time to meet

OP posts:
roundaboutthehouses · 04/01/2017 16:06

Wait and see if she contacts you....dont block.

3luckystars · 04/01/2017 16:10

I suppose you could be friends that stay in touch, but just don't get time to meet up very often. If you are that type of friend you can't be so sensitive about not meeting up, both your lives are too busy really. You don't know if one of her family were ill or what her reason for not being able to fit you in so don't be getting offended.

If you want to stay friends just keep in touch and take small steps, maybe meet up next year.

I don't know why you are bothered though, she doesn't sound very nice or understanding. It sounds like she rubs you up the wrong way now that your lives are different. I would leave it go.

SuburbanRhonda · 04/01/2017 16:10

So, what do you want to do about it, OP?

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:15

surburban I think the ideal would have been that we would have met briefly for her to meet my DC's (one of which she's never met) and basically say let's let bygones be bygones. The friendship will never be the same as too much water has passed under the bridge but I morbidly feel that if anything was to ever to happen to her then I never got the chance to just see her face to face and say "let's move on". She clearly doesn't feel that way though so I feel like it's best that I just let it go and stop trying to make he effort to contact her.

OP posts:
CrotchetQuaverMinim · 04/01/2017 16:19

maybe she is still hurting too, from whatever wrongs she thinks you did to her? Presumably the arguments wasn't just you were right, she was wrong. Maybe she didn't feel up to a forgive and forget meeting over christmas when there is lots of other stress. Maybe she didn't think you were all that keen. Maybe she didn't think you'd apologised and were still blaming it all on her. Who knows. But if you want to get closer again, you might have to try to give her the benefit of the doubt that she might still be hurt from what she felt was your initial rejection of her - no time for her, not willing to prioritise her enough to visit her, etc. - from the point of view of a childless friend who feels dumped, those things could have hurt badly. She might think that you only care about her now that other things aren't taking up so much of your time, or whatever - that she is second best to everything else. And while it might be true, it still hurts. So she might just not have felt up to dealing with all that over christmas.

FuzzyOwl · 04/01/2017 16:19

Now you have clarified that she was going to message you to meet up whilst she was over at Christmas and didn't do so, I would just assume the friendship is over. It sounds like you haven't had anything to do with each other for three years and I would guess that she has moved on.

Butterymuffin · 04/01/2017 16:25

So the original argument was because you prioritised a meet up with your family over one with her. Now she has done the same. I'd say it's even Steven. I'd leave it for a bit then message saying 'would still like to meet up and have a chat, let me know when suits you, whenever that is', and not burn any bridges.

Quintessing · 04/01/2017 16:27

Do you now perhaps see why she got hurt?

GemmaWella81 · 04/01/2017 16:27

If her agreeing to go out and then didn't bother calling you is true... Why not put it in the original post?

You're over thinking this Imo, just move on

OurBlanche · 04/01/2017 16:35

The argument came because she resented me going on a family holiday after telling her I couldn't afford to fly to France to see her Think that through... you are now hurt by a very similar circumstance. You may be doing just what she did, for as little reason!

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:36

I thought she was being unreasonable as to fly to France and stay in a hotel to visit her would have cost me a couple of hundred pounds, which at the time with a new baby we couldn't afford. We had been saving for a family holiday with my DH and DD in Tenby for months and she begrudged me going on that holiday instead of going to see her. She was coming back to the uk anyway to see her parents, so not like she had to spend money to see me and she AGREED to meet! If she didn't want to then why not just say?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:38

gemma what part of She replied favourably, even saying that she would like to meet my 2 DC's doesn't not portray that she agreed to meet??

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 04/01/2017 16:39

OK! But I read all of that as you were cash strapped and she was short on time, full up with family stuff for a quick visit.

Very similar circumstances... and stroppy responses!

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:40

Also, I had just had a baby and didn't want to leave her for 3/4 days whilst I went swanning off to France!

OP posts:
RTKangaSANTAMummy · 04/01/2017 16:40

Am I right in thinking you are not FB friends with her?

GemmaWella81 · 04/01/2017 16:40

You expect a lot from someone you pissed off years ago. Irrespective of who provided the initial trigger or perceived slight.

Do you reckon she's obsessing on a forum over it?

Pick up the phone if it's eating you up that much. All you gonna get on here is an argument as your twisting yourself in knots explaining everything

GemmaWella81 · 04/01/2017 16:42

Saying you want to meet someone is Not the same as agreeing a time and place...

Hardly rocket science is it?

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 04/01/2017 16:43

sounds like you don't accept at all that she might have been very hurt by you in the first place

and you don't really care about her side of things anyway - it sounds like rather than missing her, or missing the friendship, you just want the chance to make it all go away and force her to move on, so that you feel better about things.

She might still find that hard. Maybe it wasn't the right time, maybe she was busy and stressed with christmas, maybe she still didn't feel you apologised enough or you didn't sound keen to discuss things, or whatever; she might have just not got round to it, or tried at one point and then time got away, who knows. But if you aren't missing her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to slowly make amends, both of you, then there doesn't sound that much point continuing.

BillSykesDog · 04/01/2017 16:44

Hang on, you messaged her, she messaged you back....and you didn't respond? You should have messages her back to sort out details, I guess she thinks you blanked her message. Did your fall out involve an expectation that she would always do the running and fit in with you?

Original poster
PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:44

ourblanche why is it stroppy? I'm answering questions which have been asked.

Maybe I'm just too polite in thinking that a simple Facebook message to say "sorry I can't meet up as planned but I'm abit busy over Xmas etc"

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 04/01/2017 16:46

To be fair, if you haven't seen or had contact with her for a few years, you don't really know what plans she may already have had for Christmas or what her plans already were.

I would give it a bit of time, she may just have been extremely busy while she was here.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 04/01/2017 16:47

you don't sound 'too polite' at all. You sound one sided, like everything must be done your way, and that your expectations and perceptions are the only right ones. Maybe she was waiting for your message? Why not message her again and say 'sorry we didn't get the chance this time, let's try again'.

WilburIsSomePig · 04/01/2017 16:48

Oh I see it was a planned meet - did she just not turn up or something?