Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To put the final nail in the coffin with my ex best friend?

101 replies

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 14:43

I had a best friend who I had been friends with since about 5 years old. She was my very best friend, like a sister to me.

When I had children, things changed and she became weird towards me. We had a massive row Xmas 2013 over something silly but she brought all these feelings to the foreground about how she felt that I had no time for her anymore etc and a lot of hurtful things were said on both sides.

I now have 2 DC's and Xmas just gone I swallowed my pride and sent her a Facebook message, asking if we could meet up when she was next in town and clear the air. She replied favourably, even saying that she would like to meet my 2 DC's. I didn't hear from her over Xmas so assumed she had not come back to visit her parents.

Today I happened to see on Facebook a video that she had posted of her at her parents house having Xmas dinner on Xmas day. I saw it because a mutual friend had commented on it and and it came up on my news feed (I'm not friends with her on Facebook) So she had been back in town and not contacted me to meet.

To say I'm hurt is an understatement. I offered the olive branch and she has rejected it. It's not like she was just a friend - she was like family to me for 25 years and maid of honour at my wedding.

AIBU to just block her on Facebook so that I don't see any further updates from her and just accept that the friendship is over forever? Hurts like hell but it's hurting me more to see that she doesn't care

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:51

Her last message said she would message to let me know when she was back as she hadn't booked her flights. I said ok, speak soon. She didn't reply with flights etc so I assumed she wasn't coming back.

I said in my original post that hurtful things were said on both sides. I do think she was being unreasonable expecting me to fly to France so soon after having a baby but I was willing to apologise for the hurtful things I said afterwards.

I'm not Facebook friends with her, she deleted me after the row.

OP posts:

DrexelG · 04/01/2017 16:51

It sounds just like me and my ex best friend. I got married and had kids. She didn't so everything changed. It hurts alot but sometimes it's for the best.
I'm still here for her if she needs me. But seeing as she has now blocked me on fb I very much doubt it.
I just hope that she is happy now.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 04/01/2017 16:51

did you properly apologise in the message, or just give the impression that you wanted 'bygones to be bygones'? That might come across as incredibly dismissive to someone who felt very hurt, like you've never really listened to her side of things. Maybe she didn't feel up to dealing with that right now, and especially if you didn't get back to her to suggest and time and place that you could meet, given how busy you obviously have been with your own family in the past. She might well have been waiting for you to give her a window. It's what I end up doing with my friends with children who are mostly now too busy for me. they come up with a half hour they might be able to make, and I have to rearrange to fit in, as I know I won't see them otherwise. I'm low on their priority list and it hurts, but if I don't go along with it, I won't ever see them. Still half the time it gets cancelled for some child-related reason. I can well imagine someone waiting for you to initiate things.

BillSykesDog · 04/01/2017 16:53

Just seen that you had arranged she would message you. But it does sound as though as soon as you got back in touch you fell into exactly the same pattern of expecting her to make all the running after you and drop all her plans over the holiday to meet up with you and she just thought 'Oh fuck it, she hasn't changed' and gave it up as a bad job. You seem very wrapped up in the fact you have a child and want people to fit in with that but don't seem to have much consideration that she also has a family, plans and a life.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 04/01/2017 16:55

you still don't sound like you honestly believe that you hurt her. Not that you just said a few hurtful things in the row. But that it really does hurt when you lose a friend when they have families and children, and you are very much relegated to being the spare part, to be seen only when it's convenient for everything else. It's understandable, but still hurts.

but you obviously don't really miss her as a person or care about her being hurt, so why carry on trying to get her to forget and move on? If you did care about her, you could try harder to understand her side of it, try to gradually build a relationship again, and see if it works. If it doesn't, then fine, give up on it.

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 16:57

My exact word in the first message after the original hello I sent were "I'm sorry for how this has all happened, I would like the chance to meet sometime to clear the air". She responded saying she was glad I had messaged and that she was next in town at Xmas, would like to finally meet DC's and would message to let me know when she was home as she hadn't booked her flights.

Hence why I was shocked to see the video of her at her parents, as she had not messaged to let me know that was back but even so, if she had not wanted to meet then a simple message to say so would have sufficed. Rather than lead me to believe otherwise in her message.

OP posts:

DonutParade · 04/01/2017 16:57

You haven't been friends for a long time, you're not due the consideration or explanation you are after. You haven't put her on ' pause ', and being in town at Christmas is very different to being in town at another time.

nicenewdusters · 04/01/2017 17:00

Exactly the same thing happened to me when I met someone and went on to have dc. My friend couldn't seem to accept that my life had changed, she still saw us as the same two single childless women. She became difficult if I couldn't just magic up a babysitter and meet her in town. She also couldn't understand why her phone calls weren't returned asap. I tried making allowances, but it killed the friendship for me. I stopped returning her calls and that was it.

I wouldn't block her, just wait to see if she gets in touch again. You've made an approach, if she wants to respond she will. Maybe it's just run it's course.

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 17:00

bill how can you say I expected her to do all the running around? I had no idea when she expected to return over the Xmas period so how could I have given her a specific date and time? She said that she would message, even if she said I'm here now would you like to meet I would have dropped everything to go and see her.

OP posts:

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 04/01/2017 17:01

yeah I can see from that kind of apology why she isn't going to be rushing around trying to meet!

Why not just leave it then, if you don't really miss her or like her much? You are determined to see her as being in the wrong, which makes it sound like it's all a face-saving exercise to you. It sounds like you want her to admit that it's fine and over and bygones are bygones, so you can feel better about everything in case anything happened, rather than because you really miss her and want her in your life again.

Maybe she just forgot she'd said that she would message first?! You are probably not high on her list of priorities after all that. Surely if you really wanted to see her - for her, not just to make yourself feel better - then you'd try again, find out what happened, see how she feels, and then decide if you want to give up on it.

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 17:02

donut I was friends with her for 25 years!! How is that not considered a long time?!

OP posts:

DrinkingCocktailsInTheSunshine · 04/01/2017 17:03

I don't think anything anyone says on here is what you want to hear so not sure what you are hoping to gain.

If you are right that she has intentionally not messaged you about meeting up over Christmas then it sounds like she has already put the nail in the coffin, so in answer to you question about whether you should do that; I think it is too late. You obviously annoyed her enough for her to delete you from Facebook and so maybe there is more to it than your posts suggest, but we won't know that unless we hear her side of the story.

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 17:04

I'm going to leave it there with you crochet as you are clearly not reading my responses properly and quite frankly it's exhausting having to repeat myself.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 04/01/2017 17:06

Pinky I meant stroppy with her! You are as put out with her as she, seemingly, was with you!

You last had contact (proper contact not snooping on fb) before she had booked her flights. Maybe she didn't get as long as she hoped, maybe she forgot al about you in the Christmas rush. Maybe she didn't contact you because she didn't want to!

Whatever, she lives in France, you have kids, your lives have changed. Move on! Save yourself the angst.

Bluebolt · 04/01/2017 17:11

It is difficult when your day to day life experiences do not equal up. I have been on both sides and it's not great but understanding that friendships sometimes need time and space helps. I would let the friendship build on social media/ text catch ups with no expectations.

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 17:13

I know blanche it's just hard because I loved her, she was like my sister. She's all over my wedding photos. I suppose it's abit like when you split from an ex husband! It took a lot for me to be the first one to message after 3 years as I was unsure what the response would be so I guess I'm just hurt that she didn't message at the time, or since she's been back, just to say either way. Time to forget about it I suppose

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 04/01/2017 17:14

It all sounds very full on on your part. Do women with husbands and families still have these intense "best friend" relationships with other women? I had friendships like this when younger but as people get older / have families it all gets more relaxed and expectations lower I have found. Friends are people to see and have fun with - there isn't the weight of expectation usually.

RTKangaSANTAMummy · 04/01/2017 17:17

If she deleted you and you want to find out if she still wants to be your friend in RL then try to "friend" her again on FB

Then you will easily see if she wants a relationship with you now cos if she accepts your friend request then she might still want to be friends with you

Even better if she likes your photos of your DC

If she doesn't and actually "blocks" you then there is your answer

Overthinker2016 · 04/01/2017 17:17

You are expecting her to prioritise you over her family when you aren't prepared to do the same and reading between the lines the reason why that is ok for you and not for her is that you have children.

I have experienced this before where friends with children expect me to fit around them. While I will do that if I can, I also have my own family and life (just no children).

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 17:19

Kerala hardly one sided when she expected me to fly to France to see her 4 weeks after having my baby. Also I think it is normal to have a friend that's like a sister, particularly one that you've been friends with for so long.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyPie80 · 04/01/2017 17:23

i really wish people would RTFT.

I didn't expect her to prioritise her family over me, had she of said "I can't see you I'm too busy with family" then I would be totally fine with that

OP posts:

Overthinker2016 · 04/01/2017 17:28

I have read the full thread thanks. End of day it was a casual arrangement she didn't follow up on as she was presumably busy with her family. Big deal.

As it happens I do think Kerala is being slightly harsh. Lots of women take their friendships seriously and friendships can enrich your life so much. However you are kind of throwing toys out of pram when she doesn't owe you anything and it's been a long time since you've seen her. Why don't you friend request her on FB and take it from there.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 04/01/2017 17:30

I agree with you OP, I think the chances of salvaging this are quite low now, as it wasn't her priority to make contact when the olive branch was offered.

Can't believe people think flying out to France with a four week old is quite the same as popping by when you are already in the country visiting your parents.

I think the thing is you really really want to make up, she is happy you are not cross/angry with each other but perhaps not driven to continue the friendship. I'd see what transpires though, I'd keep the door open in case she really just was crazy busy at Christmas and couldn't quite fit the emotionally quite difficult meeting in (or bottled it?)

DonutParade · 04/01/2017 17:32

It's 3 years since you were that close was my point.

Puppycottonlane · 04/01/2017 17:37

I agree four - I think it was very unreasonable of her to want you to travel to France and leave your 4 week old behind. If that was the reason why she deleted you, then I think by you being the first one to make contact her was a very brave thing to do. The fact that she has ignored that by not even being courteous enough to send you a quick message when she got home to say sorry we didn't catch up, to let you know she's acknowledged your olive branch.

She sounds selfish OP - let her go

Flip

1 2 3 4 5