To feel sad that Dc's can't be in the same room unsupervised for fear of really hurting one another

[Notthinkingclearly]

I have 2 Dc's eldest is a boy of 9 and a girl if 7. They have lovely moments where they can play nicely together but it is short lived and I can't seem to leave them unsupervised as arguments seem to start very suddenly and they are both very keen to hurt one another when they fall out. I have a younger brother and can honestly say that I never remember fighting so this is making me so sad. I have recently stopped all ipad and wi use as a form of punishment but it seems to have no effect. Stupidly left them tonight in same room playing board with neighbours child. Suddenly I realised that there was a commotion and ds was stood over his sister and ramming his fist into her chest. I grabbed him off and sent him to his room but I just feel so sad why they would want to behave like this. They are never aggressive to other children. I have told them that if behaviour improves they can have limited ipad use as a reward but would love to know any other suggestions please.

My brother and I fought. He was very strong and often hurt me. My parents were emotionally distant and didn't have any boundaries around hitting/bullying/nastiness so got away with it. No repercussions. We fought because we were both unhappy, a bit jealous of eachother and needing positive parental attention. I knew how useless my parents were. They were not interested in sorting out smaller issues or unfairness and things escalated quickly as a result. I couldn't stand unfairness.

In your shoes I would give each child quality attention and praise. Helping them feel better will have a huge knock on effect. The worse a child is the more they need. But of course they need sanctions too. Send both kids to their own rooms if it's s two way fight. Send one to her/his room if ta a one way thing.

Also lead by example. So kindness. Taking turns.

Also I know it might look like your DD is the worst behaved here but it might just be that your DS is very sly

Aim to deal with the issue two ways. Clear repercussions after an incident and preventive strategies. The latter will be most effective

Another one with DC that fight. Constant low level squabbling with incidents where it gets physical, and sometimes with real intent.

They are very close but do things to each other they would never stand for others doing to their sibling.

Drives me bonkers - I feel like a referee much of the time. But I also remember fighting with my brothers like this and we get on fine now.

My two are 5&7 and have their moments. I am constantly working on talking to each of them to hear both sides of the story and we talk about what they should and shouldn't do.

If there's any physical violence then I will be very firm that that is unacceptable. I also talk to each of them and explain that yes siblings can be annoying and it's ok to feel angry etc but the thing to do is walk away and get an adult if need be.

They both know that they'll be listened to by me even if one of them thinks they're in the wrong

There's a book called siblings without rivalry which I've found incredibly useful for dealing with issues. I'd recommend reading it.

In many cases I think sibling rivalry is a case of working out how to parent. It takes all sorts of mental gymnastics and patience. Especially if you yourself had sibling issues. E.g. My DH is inclined to take the side of our youngest, because he was the youngest but actually if he takes a step back then you can see it isn't always that clear cut.

I have boy/girl twins. One minute apart and I am so bored of people saying 'ohhh I wanted twins because they always have someone to play with' Yeah. Sure they do 20% of the time. The rest they ate trying to goug each other's eyes out

my DB and I fought a lot- physically until about 10/8 and verbally until about 18/16. if we spend a lot of time together now, like a family holiday, we still bicker a bit. but mostly we're really good mates now.

most likely they will grow out of it. perhaps you could try to make them understand the consequences of fighting and that it's horrible for you - that's what used to work for us, as we didn't like making DM unhappy.

Arguing is normal but violence is not

This^

I'm amazed at this thread.
I wouldn't tolerant my DCs hitting a child from outside the family anymore than I would tolerate them hitting each other. Violence has no place in my home and both DCs know this. They are argue but never physically fight as they know there would be severe consequences.

Wow my kids don't fight like that at all and I never did with my siblings

My husband did with his and now he has a very odd relationship with them.

I never realised it was normal?

You need to read this book [https://www.amazon.co.uk/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/1853406309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483522164&sr=8-1&keywords=siblings+without+rivalry Siblings Without Rivalry]]

Honestly it will help you address this situation effectively and with understanding.

I recommend it as a parent, a sibling and a teacher.

If violent fighting was happening frequently in my family and I could not stop it, I would look for some sort of expert help. I agree with other posters who say it is not normal. Totally unacceptable to me.

Interesting how different people have different ideas - I would never try and work out who started it, just say "well I'm stopping it, now go to your rooms for xxx minutes." Otherwise you end up being a 24 hour a day referee. The other mantra to keep repeating is "Keep your hands to yourself and treat other people the way you want to be treated." Incidentally, I always thought I had completely stopped the fighting but the kids now tell me I just drove it underground. But they survived, and so will yours. Good
luck, and be firm.

To add to whoos kindness jar idea - give lots of positive praise about their characters as much as possible: you are so thoughtful and caring, you are such a good friend and play so nicely. You know how to keep calm etc. - even when they haven't really. I can depend on you to xyz as you're such a sensible person.

Research snd experiments in schools have found that daily labelling in this way has the power to change behaviour.

But it is hard. My sister and I fought a lot and it did damage our relationship actually as the teen years were hard. She was being bullied and took it out on me.

I would be very unhappy with that kind of fighting too (my 2 kids are the same ages as yours). I also really recommend the book 'Siblings Without Rivalry' (PP linked above). Some great strategies for getting kids to talk about their feelings with the parent rather than losing it with their sibling. It also encourages parents to undo unconscious habits (eg favouritism/ comparing them to each other) and change some ways of relating to your kids; it's brilliant.

My two ds's fought at about the same age. I stopped it by making one or the other (in turns) follow me every time I left the room. They were sick of it really quickly as I purposely interrupted games and tv programmes with my new rule. When they were begging me to give them another chance I agreed to give it a trial on the understanding that if they fought during the trial then we'd return to following me until they were 16 You could perhaps give it a try.

My brother and I used to try and kill each other.

Literally.

My two bicker and fight, but no black eyes or blood like me and my brother...