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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend family event so soon after birth?

67 replies

Anonymouse123 · 03/01/2017 16:37

I'm due to give birth to my first DC mid February. It's both of my grandparents 80th birthdays coming up so I knew some kind of family do may take place at some point where they live - takes 2 hours approx sometimes more from me depending on traffic. My auntie informs us all during our xmas family gathering that the date is going to be in March, not even a month after my due date (that's if DC is on time!).

I said that seems quite soon after the birth to be travelling a distance with a new baby, but auntie said oh you'll want to show DC off soon after the birth, it's plenty of time even if DC comes late. It starts at 4pm, it would be a 4hr round trip minimum unless we stayed in a hotel overnight, DH would be doing the driving.

We're quite close as a family, I don't want to upset my grandparents by not being there and definitely don't want the date moved just for me as am quite happy to celebrate with grandparents another time - but AIBU to think it's ridiculous to be expected to come?

OP posts:
KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 03/01/2017 16:39

No one sensible will expect you to be there.

I wouldn't worry about it.

soundsystem · 03/01/2017 16:42

No-one should expect you to go, but that said if the baby comes on time and all is straightforward you may well want to show him/her off!

Do you have to commit now? Surely they'll understand if you say you can't really plan anything until the baby is here and you know how you feel?

Footinmouthasusual · 03/01/2017 16:42

See how you feel. With ds 1 I couldn't have but with ds2 I was feeling great a few days later.

You can't possibly know how how you will feel until baby here.

Good luck Flowers

Ilovecaindingle · 03/01/2017 16:43

Are you having a c section?

MeredithsTequila · 03/01/2017 16:45

I think you could regret not being at your grandparents' 80th birthday.

Obviously leave it until nearer the time, but this is something I would make a big effort to go to.

BreatheDeep · 03/01/2017 16:45

A 2 hour journey with a 4 week old (or potentially 2 week old) is going to be a lot longer with stops for feeds and nappy changes. It's completely unreasonable to expect you to do it. And that's only one of the reasons it's unreasonable!

AmeliaJack · 03/01/2017 16:46

I travelled an hour to a family event with my twins 3 weeks after they were born.

I was miserable the entire time. Certainly I'd had a c-section and was still in a lot of pain but even aside from that it was really not fun.

I smiled and put a brace face on it but it was dreadful.

You may be fine but I wouldn't commit to going. Speak to your GPS, I'm sure they'll understand.

3luckystars · 03/01/2017 16:46

Wait until the day itself and see how you feel. Don't discuss it witwithI anyone before hand.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 03/01/2017 16:47

I would say see how you feel but go with the line of 'it's unlikely we'll be coming'.

After dc1 I bounced back quite quickly, would probably have felt up to it after a week or so. In terms of how felt it was fairly similar with dc2 in that I felt physically ok (he was in special care for 4 weeks though). Dc3 & 4 however it was a good month to 6 week before I would have wanted to go to a family gathering.

Try not to worry about it too much. Your Grandparents will be from a generatiom where women spent a good while in hospital after a baby if they didn't have a home birth.

frazzlebedazzle · 03/01/2017 16:48

Yes ideally you need to be able to say you'll see how you are getting on and how you feel at the time. I felt more ok with seeing people and gatherings than I thought I would (with emergency c so a bit sore, but before all the happy hormones wore off and sleep deprivation set in!) But everyone is different - and I wouldn't have wanted to have committed myself beforehand.

purplefizz26 · 03/01/2017 16:49

Not saying you are at all, but I do think some people are a bit precious about going out and about with new babies. Life doesn't have to stop because there is a new baby, and they are generally at their easiest to take on trips and evenings out at that age.

If they are born on time, with a straight forward labour and no postnatal complications, I would see no reason not to go!

If you don't have to commit, just say you would love to go but will need to see how things are at that time.

Obviously going 2 weeks past the due date, having an section or major tearing would be a different scenario, but I wouldn't assume it's impossible to go just because the baby has been born Smile

haveacupoftea · 03/01/2017 16:51

Agree with see how you feel, maybe you could arrange to stay to break it up a bit?

IceLemonGin · 03/01/2017 16:51

Do you have to commit now? I had my DD by EMCS late July and travelled 3.5 hours by car to my MIL birthday 2 weeks later. I was the one who instisted on going. Everyone is different though and you may not feel up to it.

Could you possibly speak to your Aunt and ask if it can be held a couple of weeks later?

Ohb0llocks · 03/01/2017 16:53

I'd go with a solid 'we will have to let you know nearer the time'.

Nobody can predict how you'll be feeling, I wouldn't commit at this stage.

Doowappydoo · 03/01/2017 16:54

I was a bridesmaid 5 weeks after having my first with a couple of hours travel and hotel stay included. I wouldn't say it was the easiest thing I've ever done but it was fine - nappies and feeding were all manageable and I did enjoy showing the baby off. They also often sleep a lot at that stage and looking back it was a damn sight easier than attending a wedding with a toddler. I also have really really lovely memories of my Nan who is no longer with us cuddling her for ages.

I did however have relatively easy birth and recovered quickly - maybe leave it nearer the time to decide?

Ohtobeskiing · 03/01/2017 16:56

Don't make any promised - just wait and see how you feel.

I had an emergency c-section after a very long labour and 16 days later went to a family wedding which was about an hour and half drive away. It was fine- tiring, but fine. I had lots of support from DH (it was his cousin getting married) and was glad we went.

PurpleMinionMummy · 03/01/2017 16:58

It depends how you feel. I would have been fine with all of mine to travel a couple of hours after a wk. Most newborns sleep a lot. Feed, nappy, then travel and they probably won't even stir!

If you have a c secstion/rough time/slow recovery you may not feel up to it of course.

ditzychick34 · 03/01/2017 16:58

Isn't there new recommendations that newborns aren't left in car seats for more that 30minutes, so that would be an exceptionally long journey, probably involving at least one overnight stay

CostaAddict · 03/01/2017 16:59

I wouldn't commit just now but decide nearer the time.

When I had DS1 I took a good 3 weeks to walk right. I must of looked like John Wayne! And he was such a difficult baby that travelling would of been a flat out no.

Had DS2 last August and as soon as he was delivered I felt fantastic and needed no pain relief. Me & DH took long walks and were out every day pretty much straight away. But DS2 is also such a contented easy baby praying he stays this contented

Cakescakescakes · 03/01/2017 16:59

With DS1 I couldn't have managed this. He had reflux and screamed in the car constantly at that age. But with DS2 I went to a close friends wedding when he was 2.5 weeks old and it was 1.5hrs away and it was fine.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/01/2017 17:00

You say 'we'll see' and assess closer to the time. You may want to go. You may not want to. Your baby could be six weeks old by then, or they could be two weeks old.

Just wait until your baby is here and then make a decision. You can't possibly know how you're going to feel until then.

purplefizz26 · 03/01/2017 17:04

30 minutes only in a car seat isn't realistic, I think no more than 2 hours where possible is the actual advice.

hippyhippyshake · 03/01/2017 17:08

Providing you are feeling ok a 2 hour journey is nothing. A top up feed before you go and hopefully baby will sleep the entire journey.

TFPsa · 03/01/2017 17:09

YANBU. As others have said, don't commit, say that you want to attend but will only be able to do so if all's well.

Is the event in someone's house, i.e. not a pub etc? If so then that is a lot better for feeding, changing, sleeping, warmth, privacy, etc.

secondhoneymoon · 03/01/2017 17:12

As others have said, you need to wait and see what date baby arrives, how the baby is and how you feel. We took DC2 200 miles to in-laws golden wedding when they were 2 months old - but I was well, baby was settled and it was DC2 so everything a lot easier. Babies travel well generally, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on such an important occAsion BUT i had a good pregnancy and delivery so had the energy to do it. Don't make any commitments just yet - but equally don't convince yourself you can't do it. Much easier to do things with new babies than you might think.

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