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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

10 week old not allowed at wedding

100 replies

Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 14:26

Will try not to drip feed.

I'm a bridesmaid for a close friend this October and my first baby is due in August. When I was asked to be a BM I explained we were TTC so there was a small chance I'd be too pregnant to come (I live abroad so have to fly) or would have a small baby with me, which my friend said was fine. When I found out I was pg, I told my friend and again said I was happy to step down from being a BM as wasn't sure how much help I would be on the day if I had a 10 week old with me and I hope to BF. I also said my parents might stay nearby to help out.

Bride has emailed me today and said 'thank god you aren't bringing your baby, I'm over on numbers and I have to univite everyone's children except for breastfed babies'.

AIBU to think it's unfair that I am expected to not bring my 10 week old? I want to breastfeed and I also don't want to have to leave them, if I choose to leave the baby with my parents if they come surely that's my choice? I might be being PFB but first trip abroad and leaving a 10 week old feels too much, but happy to be told IABU.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2017 15:43

Or maybe just someone who hasn't had kids yet and is a bit naive about babies?!! Just like you were once, I expect.

I haven't had kids. Most of us are pretty sensible and wouldn't ask someone to leave their tiny baby behind. Some couples who have had children opt for a child free wedding. This doesn't always split along the lines of who has a child and who doesn't.

moggle · 03/01/2017 15:47

Purple I was really referring to the bit about excluding non-breastfed babies specifically. I can see how to a non parent it might seem like you are being helpful saying that breastfeeding babies are allowed, while not realising that all little babies need to be with their mum. Plus in this case the OP told the bride that her parents could help out, so I think it's understandable she might have thought she was willing to leave the babi. Calling her a bitch is just horrid.

Original poster

Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 15:49

She's emailed me back, complete case of crossed wires! She said she had got confused and thought I was leaving the baby with my parents but of course they were very welcome and she hadn't meant to cause any offense to me. She also reiterated that she knows it will be tough for me, even with OH there and she's happy to do whatever is needed for me to feel comfortable but she would love to have me as a BM. I feel a bit silly now! I feel I've made her out to be horrible and she isn't, I'm going to suggest that she just invites all babies and doesn't make a distinction about how they are fed.

Thank you for your replies, we actually have another wedding two weeks after that one, OHs uni mate, but your replies have shown me it's perfectly OK to decline if they say no children!

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 03/01/2017 15:50

She's probably feeling really embarrassed herself

Right case of foot in mouth disease there

moggle · 03/01/2017 15:50

*baby
dingdong i just think calling someone you don't even know a bitch based on your assumptions and a few sentences of background info in a post is pretty nasty.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2017 15:51

Purple I was really referring to the bit about excluding non-breastfed babies specifically. I can see how to a non parent it might seem like you are being helpful saying that breastfeeding babies are allowed, while not realising that all little babies need to be with their mum.

I think you're underestimating the common sense of most non-parents there.

I agree that calling the bride a bitch was over the top and anything conducted by email has the potential to be misunderstood. It sounds like they need a proper old fashioned chat to sort it out.

PurpleDaisies · 03/01/2017 15:52

Ah, happy cross post there. I'm glad it's sorted op.

moggle · 03/01/2017 15:52

Oh I'm glad about that OP. Don't feel silly. Someone posters on her do go a bit over the top and make you think the worst. In real life it's usually not such a big deal. Pleased it is all sorted!

dingdongthewitchishere · 03/01/2017 15:52

Calling her a bitch is just horrid

Making parents feel excluded because the mum does not breastfeed is wrong. You don't need to be a parent yourself to realise that! That was a horrid request from bridezilla.

It's not something that came out of her mouth because she was not thinking, ( it happens to all of us), she wrote that she did un-invite all non-breastfed babies already. I stand by the word bitch.

moggle · 03/01/2017 15:58

She didn't say she had already uninvited all non breastfed babies. In the OP the OP says that the bride said "I have to uninvite all children except breastfed babies ..." which I read as meaning she hadn't done it yet.

I agree it's bad to uninvite people who've already been invited whatever their age but my point was that you can't possibly know what she has or hasn't done on the basis of a post by the OP who may not know herself what exactly has happened.

Sounds like the OP is going to be brave and tell her she can't just uninvite people on this basis so she'll be set back on the straight and narrow.

Buttercupsandaisies · 03/01/2017 16:00

I'm going to go against the grain and say i would have just gone the night do without the baby

I went to a wedding two weeks after my first and left her all day - she was also breast fed. I left her with my inlaws only 5 miles away and expressed enough for the day. If I couldn't have expressed if have nipped away.

Wedding was 12pm and we stayed til around 10pm. Really wasn't a big deal.

DD wasn't invited and to be fair I wouldn't have taken her. I don't think weddings are the place for such young babies. It's nice that your friend is ok but I think it puts her in a difficult position. I think a general yes or no to all is in order really. It's not fair to make exceptions for only breastfed or even only babies imo

For what's it's worth I would rethink whether it's worth your parents minding the baby locally (works if in a hotel) during the day

Chops2016 · 03/01/2017 16:03

Sounds ridiculous to me that infants count towards total numbers even though they don't take up a seat and aren't being served food.. never heard of that :s

However even if she's over on numbers couldn't you pay for 1 extra "guest". When I got married we could do this.

itsmine · 03/01/2017 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maggiso · 03/01/2017 16:09

When I got married ( years ago) we had a no children as guests, due to the very small venue. My friend fortunately brought her gorgeous (bf) baby with them- and I am so glad she did. I simply did not know much of the needs of small children, as I had not had contact with any for a while. You may need to spell it out for your friend.

Anatidae · 03/01/2017 16:10

At ten weeks was attached to the boob for several hours each night cluster feeding and I was still recovering from a complex c section.
There is no way on earth I'd have been able to fly to a wedding, nor would I have wanted to

Candlestickchick · 03/01/2017 16:13

buttercupsanddaisies

I sort of agree because there is no cut off point that wont offend but I think a BM flying in from abroad should be given an exception even if other guests aren't. Happily it seems in this case the bride and groom are ok with it.

Dayatatime · 03/01/2017 16:13

Glad you have sorted the misunderstanding OP. I would also consider the possibility of your baby being late and having to get a passport. You may actually end up with only a few weeks to do this and book the flight. Also if you end up with a c section 8weeks before the wedding you will potentially struggle to walk in heels so you might want to choose some flats

minipie · 03/01/2017 16:21

I'm going to suggest that she just invites all babies and doesn't make a distinction about how they are fed

I think "no children please, but babes in arms are welcome" is possibly the safest thing for her to say. Makes it clear she means really little babies who can be held the whole time. I would avoid saying "babies are welcome" as some people would call their 2 year old a baby and bring them along...

Original poster

Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 16:51

I've assumed going 2 weeks overdue with the 10week age, on the basis that if they come earlier than 42weeks things like the passport become less of an issue. Still want my baby there though

I like the babes in arms, what age would that presume? I'm not too sure myself.

OP posts:

minipie · 03/01/2017 17:01

I'm not quite sure if there is an official meaning but would reckon it means up till they are mobile? So up to about 8 months ish - basically a baby who is happy to be held and won't be trying to crawl off or run up and down the aisle.

Candlestickchick · 03/01/2017 17:26

OP - babes in arms is horribly ambiguous and a minefield for any bride and groom who make an exception on that basis (unless there's only 1 child under the age of 10 among their guests or something).

On any view though 10 weeks falls into it so you're good

Original poster

Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 17:58

Thanks minipie and candlestick I'll let the bride and other guests work out that meaning!

OP posts:

nanatoob · 03/01/2017 20:07

Sounds like crossed wires to me so a phonecall to clarify would be best. Breast or bottle shouldn't matter, either won't affect her numbers and they still sleep a lot at that she so noise shouldn't be an issue. I'd certainly not go abroad and leave a 10 week old and she shouldn't expect you to.

Bettyspants · 03/01/2017 20:16

I think it's crossed wires and you the bride genuinely thinks baby won't be coming and is making a a joke of it. Fingers crossed! Just clarify and say baby will be too young to leave bf or bottle fed and again state you won't be offended if she prefers you step down from bm duties (although emphasise you are looking forward to being one in case wires are crossed again!!)

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/01/2017 20:35

cancel the cheque OP
Glad you got it sorted out

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