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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 week old not allowed at wedding

100 replies

Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 14:26

Will try not to drip feed.

I'm a bridesmaid for a close friend this October and my first baby is due in August. When I was asked to be a BM I explained we were TTC so there was a small chance I'd be too pregnant to come (I live abroad so have to fly) or would have a small baby with me, which my friend said was fine. When I found out I was pg, I told my friend and again said I was happy to step down from being a BM as wasn't sure how much help I would be on the day if I had a 10 week old with me and I hope to BF. I also said my parents might stay nearby to help out.

Bride has emailed me today and said 'thank god you aren't bringing your baby, I'm over on numbers and I have to univite everyone's children except for breastfed babies'.

AIBU to think it's unfair that I am expected to not bring my 10 week old? I want to breastfeed and I also don't want to have to leave them, if I choose to leave the baby with my parents if they come surely that's my choice? I might be being PFB but first trip abroad and leaving a 10 week old feels too much, but happy to be told IABU.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 15:10

My parents are provisionally invited to the evening part, depending on numbers (this was regardless of the baby).

When I say abroad, OH and I live abroad but V close to London, where I am from and the wedding is in the home counties (Rep of Ireland distance flight wise). So it being abroad is less of an issue, as we used to live with my parents and we will a nursery at theirs; and I was planning to stay with them for a week afterwards to have some support and give my elderly grandparents a chance to meet the baby as they can't fly. I'm also very fortunate that my Mum will fly over with me before the wedding so I won't be flying alone, and the flights are fully refundable in case we can't go.

I've emailed her moggles words, she's generally very calm and not bridezilla at all so I'm hoping it will be fine. If not, I will explain I need to think of my child first and will decline to attend.

Not sure how our friend will feel when she finds out her (will be) 15 month old isn't invited but not my battle to fight!

OP posts:
KayTee87 · 03/01/2017 15:11

YY to not knowing what size you will be 10 weeks pp. the more I think about it the more I think it's a bit of a ridiculous idea tbh. Also newborns shouldn't be in car seats for any longer than 30 mins at a time and 2 hours in one day so that will probably affect how you will travel to & from airport etc.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/01/2017 15:11

Exactly Purple my dd wasn't Breast fed, but. She was extremely clingy basically from day 1. There's no way I could have left her. Even if I was prepared to.
She got to about 2 then she'd go to anyone. Funny how they change.

TitaniasCloset · 03/01/2017 15:11

I can't even imagine the stress of flying and airport's with a tiny baby. I don't think you have thought this through.

EweAreHere · 03/01/2017 15:13

You can't let time pass on this.

You need to email her and say that clearly there has been a misunderstanding, that your baby will only be roughly 10 weeks old at the time of the wedding, and assuming you can get a passport for the baby in time (which you will need, absolutely!), the baby will be coming with you as you plan to breastfeed.

Tell her if this is a problem, you absolutely understand and will bow out of the whole thing gracefully, no hard feelings.

TitaniasCloset · 03/01/2017 15:13

Ah just read your update.

minipie · 03/01/2017 15:14

Oh I'd missed that you'd have to fly there.

At 10 weeks my DD had to be pushed around in a pram at a fast walking pace 3 or 4 times a day to get her to sleep. She wouldn't sleep any other way. And she woke multiple times a night. Chances of me flying anywhere = zero, I could barely leave my own house and leaving the postcode was a red letter event.

Candlestickchick · 03/01/2017 15:14

sparklyuggs

Yeah, your friend is in for some difficulty with her guests. I'm all for child free weddings but inviting kids then uninviting them? Confused

Original poster
Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 15:14

candlestickchick it's a turn up and wear a dress duty, my only other duty was to help her choose her dress and choose the BM dresses; both of which are done. The others have duties but she said all she wanted was for me to turn up.

BM dress is fine to BF in, kind of a cross over V neck thing and empire waist so not too fitted. Luckily that was in my remit!

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 03/01/2017 15:15

I don't understand why you would go if it is that inconvenient. She clearly doesn't want the baby at the wedding so why not step down as BM and leave her to it?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/01/2017 15:18

Just beware (for the dress) I went up an extra 4 cup-sizes and 6 inches round the bust while breastfeeding Shock

dingdongthewitchishere · 03/01/2017 15:20

I agree, child free weddings are fine, but when it's organised from the start. It's a bit rude to disinvite people, even children.

A bridezilla who decides to punish parents who chose to bottle feed their baby (for whatever reason) is a bitch.

Regardless, I would probably decline any important role in the wedding. You have no way of knowing when your baby will be born, how you will feel, and if you will even consider to separate from a 10 weeks old baby. Most mums wouldn't be too keen on flying after a c-section for example, you never know how things work out.

your friend is not very kind OP, good luck!

RB68 · 03/01/2017 15:21

I think the counting babies thing as people for fire regs is new - thy have started doing it at school events and I think insurance is pushing with this one - so it is their insurance at the venue that is the issue - ie its an 80 seater venue and 80 adults and 10 bf babies = 90 in their books.

It does sound like crossed wires and unfortunate phrasing in the email. just email back and say its not possible to leave baby if you are wanted all day - thy are too young even if with parents etc. But remind her you won't be offended if you have to step down etc

DailyFail1 · 03/01/2017 15:23

If your baby is going to bf and your mate is allowing breastfed babies what's the problem? If it turns out you can't bf by 10 weeks then just pretend you are & take baby somewhere discrete to bottlefeed them. Nobody needs to know.

itsmine · 03/01/2017 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterrat · 03/01/2017 15:25

Even if you were not breastfeeding it is completely ridiculous to ask someone to leave their 10 week old baby for a day. Yes maybe some people wpuld do it but most mums wouldn't.

moggle · 03/01/2017 15:27

Sounds like you've thought it through Sparkly - I'm sure it'll all be fine and you'll have a good time. Even if it's not you will all survive and life goes on!

A bridezilla who decides to punish parents who chose to bottle feed their baby (for whatever reason) is a bitch.
Or maybe just someone who hasn't had kids yet and is a bit naive about babies?!! Just like you were once, I expect. IMO it's always nice to try and give people the benefit of the doubt - the OP knows her friend better than you do...

AyeAmarok · 03/01/2017 15:27

I think you will struggle to do any bridesmaid duties on the day, so honestly just save yourself the stress, and her any potential resentment, and decline being BM.

MycatsaPirate · 03/01/2017 15:27

I wouldn't worry too much about numbers. I should think a few people will drop out now their DC have been uninvited.

dollydaydream114 · 03/01/2017 15:29

Did you use the term 'BF' in your original message to your friend? Or did you actually type out 'breast feed'?

Because I don't have kids and don't post in baby forums and I wouldn't have a clue whether 'BF' meant 'breast feed' or 'bottle feed'...

Having said that, I wouldn't expect someone to come to a wedding and leave a 10-week-old baby behind, however they were choosing to feed it.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 03/01/2017 15:31

Had this with my youngest at my cousin's wedding. He didn't mind, but his wife-to-be wasn't keen on children. Took her anyway and everyone made a massive fuss of her and she had a lovely time Grin

Spikeyball · 03/01/2017 15:36

I wanted/intended to breast feed but wasn't able to. I would have been well pissed off if I was told this meant I was supposed to leave my baby behind.

dingdongthewitchishere · 03/01/2017 15:37

Or maybe just someone who hasn't had kids yet and is a bit naive about babies?!! Just like you were once, I expect. IMO it's always nice to try and give people the benefit of the doubt - the OP knows her friend better than you do...

I might have been naive, but not completely clueless, and would never have told a friend "if you bf your baby, take him, but if you bottle feed I don't want to see him". Who says that! Next thing you know, bridezilla will ask the mums to express and not take breastfed babies either (which in a weird way, would make more sense - not that I agree with that either).

I have been invited to child-free weddings, which I didn't find offensive in the slightest.

m0therofdragons · 03/01/2017 15:39

Why on earth would it matter if baby is bottle or breast fed? No mum I know would be prepared to leave a baby at 10weeks. And to "provisionally" invite people depending on numbers? Wtaf?!

100milesanhour · 03/01/2017 15:41

No you can't leave a 10 week old bf baby. I wouldn't want to to be honest. I wouldn't want to leave my 10 week old baby regardless of how it's fed!

If she has uninvited all the children, where will they all go instead assuming flights and hotels have already been paid.

Do what suits you OP. My son was breastfed until he was 2 and didn't go overnight until he had stopped bf as he refused to take a bottle of expressed milk. I had lots of milk but struggled to express at times so I couldn't have provided enough for x many days away.