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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

10 week old not allowed at wedding

100 replies

Sparklyuggs · 03/01/2017 14:26

Will try not to drip feed.

I'm a bridesmaid for a close friend this October and my first baby is due in August. When I was asked to be a BM I explained we were TTC so there was a small chance I'd be too pregnant to come (I live abroad so have to fly) or would have a small baby with me, which my friend said was fine. When I found out I was pg, I told my friend and again said I was happy to step down from being a BM as wasn't sure how much help I would be on the day if I had a 10 week old with me and I hope to BF. I also said my parents might stay nearby to help out.

Bride has emailed me today and said 'thank god you aren't bringing your baby, I'm over on numbers and I have to univite everyone's children except for breastfed babies'.

AIBU to think it's unfair that I am expected to not bring my 10 week old? I want to breastfeed and I also don't want to have to leave them, if I choose to leave the baby with my parents if they come surely that's my choice? I might be being PFB but first trip abroad and leaving a 10 week old feels too much, but happy to be told IABU.

OP posts:

mamatiger2016 · 03/01/2017 14:57

Tell bridezilla to go fuck herself. How does she know your baby won't be breastfed? 10 week old babies don't eat food so don't take up numbers etc..

I was meant to be a bridesmaid and went through this with my friend. I ended up stepping down from bridesmaid duties as she had the same attitude.

My DS is 12 weeks old now, and is breastfed, I wouldn't want to leave him to go abroad for a wedding.

Up to you what you do OP but I'd be bowing out gracefully and saving yourself a lot of guilt tripping and hassle

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/01/2017 14:58

I hate all that. Only breastfed babies allowed. All parents could struggle to find baby sitters or may not want to leave their babies. Not only Breast feeding mothers.

Kpo58 · 03/01/2017 14:58

Maybe your friend has forgotten that 10 week old babies aren't weaned and are still being fed milk?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/01/2017 14:58

I have to be honest and say that if the venue is also charging per 'attendee' including babies then I think they are being very grabby. (Doesn't help you though, sorry!)

Kr1stina · 03/01/2017 14:59

I promise you that you will not want leave you 10week old baby and fly to another country , however you are feeding.

Even if baby is at the wedding with you, it will be as Glitterous said. You will spend most of the night stuck in a bedroom feeding and feeling guilty . You and baby will have a terrible time and your unreasonable friend will judge you.

Politely pull out now. Tell her you are worried you might let her down at the last minute if by is unwell or arrives late. She has 10 months to find someone else.

IWantATardis · 03/01/2017 14:59

I wouldn't be happy to leave a 10 week old baby for a wedding abroad regardless of how the baby was fed.

It's unreasonable of the bride to expect you to leave a baby that young. Plus, you've said you're hoping to breastfeed. I think it's worth calling the bride to point that out.

crje · 03/01/2017 15:00

Is it your parents coming to babysit she is objecting to?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/01/2017 15:01

Yes you're right op. Your baby isn't the centre of everyone's world. No one is, but. Neither is her wedding the centre of everyone's world.

KayTee87 · 03/01/2017 15:02

I would never leave a 10 week old baby.
My baby is 5 months and no longer bf and he's only been left for a couple of hours. If I were you I'd just step down, the baby could be two weeks late, you could have a section, baby could be a bottle refuser etc.

steppedonlego · 03/01/2017 15:03

I'd ring and clarify, sounds more like a serious case of crossed wires rather than anything malicious to me. If she means what she said then she's batshit.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/01/2017 15:03

Sounds like cross wires. She thinks you are leaving the baby with your parents.

thenightsky · 03/01/2017 15:04

I'd cancel now if I were you. The thought of attempting breastfeeding whilst zipped/buttoned up in a bridesmaid dress makes me think you'd have to go to the loo and undress and stay in the loo whilst feeding due to you being naked from the waist up! Both mine were pretty much attached to my boob one hour in every three at that age, and that was on a good day.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/01/2017 15:04

crossed

everymummy · 03/01/2017 15:05

Baby might be late, you might have a CS which will leave you getting a passport and flying with a tiny baby when you're recovering - and she expects you to do bridesmaid duties?

None of this plan works.

The passport problem alone is enough to justify cancelling as a BM. Presumably if you explain this she will realise you are no longer an option.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/01/2017 15:06

I always thought babies, no matter how young they were, counted as a person for insurance/fire regulation purposes. Hence the reason they impact on numbers.

Apart from the practicalities of looking after a young baby whilst also being a bridesmaid, are you expected to wear a particular bridesmaid dress? Would think that would be quite tricky to get size right.

minipie · 03/01/2017 15:07

She must have misread your email. Nothing else makes sense.

I'd reply and say "think we might have crossed wires here, I was planning to bring my baby as it will be 10 weeks and hopefully breastfed! Is that ok? If not I don't think I'll be able to come so hope it's ok!"

Hopefully she will realise her error and it will be fine. As a pp said I can't see how a 10week old would affect venue numbers in any way.

PollytheDolly · 03/01/2017 15:07

Your friend has bridezilla fever. Nobody can help her until this is over. She is now quite mad until married life begins.

Lol

You friend is being unreasonable though. Unless she's got her wires crossed?

Sound all a bit much to me. Don't think I could be arsed with all that with a baby and breastfeeding, etc.

kel12345 · 03/01/2017 15:07

I wouldn't leave a 10 week old. But you said your friend said that breastfed babies came come, so not sure what your issue is here?

purplefizz26 · 03/01/2017 15:08

Annoys me how it's assumed breast fed babies are the only ones that need to be with their mum.

How ever a new baby is fed, they mostly need their mum and/or dad.

Tell her straight, where you go, the baby goes, and remind her that you have been upfront and honest since you were asked to be a bridesmaid. If she wants you to step down then fine, but either way you will not be going abroad without your baby!!

Frazzled2207 · 03/01/2017 15:08

What everyone else said. But bear in mind especially if baby is breastfed she may be mega clingy at that age, mine was and basically wanted to be held almost all the time. I managed a wedding evening do when my baby was about that age (he also took a bottle, and was left with grandparents about a 15 minute drive away) but no way could I have been an effective bridesmaid!

Newtssuitcase · 03/01/2017 15:08

I think it's crossed wires but it might not be. My BF and I had a few cold years after I didn't go to her wedding 300 miles away as a result of her saying that 3 week old breastfed DS1 couldn't attend. She was offended that I didn't put her wedding first and there was no making her understand that I couldn't leave him.

She was already annoyed though that I hadn't attended her four night hen night (because I was extremely pregnant and struggling).

gillybeanz · 03/01/2017 15:10

Sounds like she got confused with your parents being there to help out, as in look after the baby whilst you were free, meaning you wouldn't be bf but your parents baby sitting.

Candlestickchick · 03/01/2017 15:10

She may be hoping you leave the baby as she knows you'll be preoccupied with looking after your DC and worried about if this will disrupt the wedding? Is she the sort to give you "duties"?

Two of my bridesmaids will have young babies who are invited to the wedding and I know they'll be busy taking care of them but I want them as BMs as I love them not because I want a pair of slaves for the day.

Maybe chat with her about what she is expecting of you on the day? Is it just to turn up in a dress (this may be doable with your DC) or are you going to have along list of jobs (which probably isn't!).

Just be honest with each other - she needs to understand your baby is your priority over the wedding and you need to understand her wedding is her priority over your childcare. If you both do this then you should be able to work something out.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2017 15:10

I would do as others suggest and explain to her that you will be breastfeeding and that baby will have to come with you. I'd also add that if this will present a problem for her that you are happy to 'resign' from being bridesmaid with no hard feelings.

Frazzled2207 · 03/01/2017 15:10

In response to what purple said yes it's possible that baby will consent to being cuddled by dad too, but don't count on it.

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