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AIBU?

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Original poster

Children playing war...

129 replies

LittleRobinRed · 02/01/2017 14:11

So I've two boys (3&5) and they often want to engage in boisterous play, rough and tumbling etc, we encourage and support this within appropriate boundaries.If they are play fighting with things etc they usually play with dragons, knights, goblins etc but it is all fantasy play. Friends children 2, 4, & 7 play very 'real' war - children have armies that represent turkey, russia, germany, syria etc. they blow up terrorists and terrorists blow them up (in the play way!). I have a real problem with my children playing in this way with so many conflicts going on in the world and I have a real problem with turning this into a game for sport and fun. It just sits really uncomfortably with me and makes me question what we are teaching our children about the wider world and almost mocks these horrendous issues. I want to talk to friend to say I don't want my children being encouraged to play in this way and when together can we focus on other games, but need to do it in such a way that does not cause offence?

OP posts:
Krampus · 02/01/2017 15:03

I grew up pretendng to kill nazis with my brothers. My grandparents and parents didn't blink, between them they all gave us enough toy guns, models of war 2nd ww planes, Commando comics, plastic grenades filled with sherbet (yes they were a thing!) and took us on walks around bunkers. There was much excitement if we were visiting them on the coast and there was an unexploded mine or bomb to be disposed of. One for my grandparents was German and was equally as encouraging.

I remember our games as being about adventure and competition but based on facts we knew. None of us have since joined the army or grew up to be violent. I imagine the 7 year old will have contact with the news, the 7 year old will have 7 year old friends who has an older brothers or sistets. The exciting games, with the interesting goodies and baddies, get passed along.

DJBaggySmalls · 02/01/2017 15:03

Its impossible to stop them. Just make sure they learn empathy and compassion, and that in real life you dont get a second life.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2017 15:04

My dad and all the kids in his street and at school used to play WWII when it was going on, even the girls, with most of their fathers at the front, too. What horrible children! Hmm

My first cousin's parents were hippies, the original kind. His dad was conscientious objector during the Vietnam Conflict. He wasn't allowed to play with anything that smacked of weaponry. At 18 joined the Army and served several tours in Iraq.

So yeah, stand up for yourself don't try to patronise and guilt trip your friend into dictating how her kids play.

Valentine2 · 02/01/2017 15:14

That kind of play theme for any age is inappropriate, let alone children. It's obvious your friend has no idea what a real life terrorist attack is like. YANBU.

Purplebluebird · 02/01/2017 15:19

I would be worried too, it seems very "detailed". I did not know about stuff like that at a young age, but I knew war was going on. My and my friend would play that we were fighting the Nazi, and had to hide from planes flying past (lived next to an airport), and shoot at the planes. This was in the 90s, so obviously many years after WW2 happened.

I'd suggest teaching them that we never aim at people or animals, we only aim at cars or imaginary people. I'm not against gun play, I do think it is a part of childhood that for many is a natural thing. I do not think your children will grow up to be violent because of this, but I would worry about them becoming less sensitive to the seriousness of it all.

Crowdblundering · 02/01/2017 15:32

Joining the forces isn't necessarily a negative/bad thing.

expatinscotland · 02/01/2017 15:41

'Joining the forces isn't necessarily a negative/bad thing.'

Apparently it is and everyone in there is a trigger-happy killer. Hmm

Crowdblundering · 02/01/2017 15:48

GrinGrin Expat.

Livelovebehappy · 02/01/2017 15:54

Bit sceptical about children of 2, 4 and 7 having armies representing Syria, Turkey etc, and playing out terrorist situations. Really? Are you sure you're not exaggerating that point OP, as I appreciate children do enact war and play fight with pretend or toy swords etc, but I think the issue that makes people a bit judgey is the bit about terrorism etc, which is obviously an emotive subject at the moment with what's going on in the world today. I have always been laid back with my DC, and it didn't bother me at all that they pretended to be power rangers or ninjas, but I would be a tad uncomfortable if they were role playing a member of ISIS!

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:58

I'd be impressed with the 2 yo's knowledge of geography and current affairs tbh!

missbishi · 02/01/2017 15:59

Krampus, I remember those grenades. Me and DB used to use them in a game where I was Maggie Thatcher, he was "the IRA" and the aim was to blow each other up by slinging these grenades at each other.

As for joining the forces, surely that's an honourable thing? I know not everyone has a great opinion of the Army etc. but at the end of the day, these people are basically volunteering to die for our country if need be.

Livelovebehappy · 02/01/2017 16:08

Missbishi - TBH I thought the majority of people had a pretty high opinion of the army? I know some people are anti war, but they generally blame government decisions for that, and not our soldiers. I think they, like our police, do an absolutely brilliant job in a very difficult world.

Crowdblundering · 02/01/2017 16:22

More than just the army/soldiers in the armed forces.....

eyebrowsonfleek · 02/01/2017 16:35

If you're from a war zone or living in a war zone then I can understand the distaste.

However, I think that in modern day UK, children hear words like ISIS, terrorist, killer clown.. from radio bulletins, tabloid front pages, tv... and act it out based on their interpretation. Good vs Evil games have been popular since time began and kids sometimes fancy a change from playing Star Wars or the Cops and Robbers versions.

Are the children educated in the details or are they filling in the gaps themselves? My kids have picked up on stuff like Trump's Wall and him not hesisitating to detonate nuclear weapons without any context.

Grindelwaldswand · 02/01/2017 16:35

Children have played war since time began
And war has existed since time began are you seeing the connection between allowing your children to show violence during play and then they go on to think that's acceptable as a career choice or as a way of thinking Hmm

Crowdblundering · 02/01/2017 16:38

Why is being in the forces not an "acceptable" career choice?! Hmm

Grindelwaldswand · 02/01/2017 16:41

I was talking about joining a terrorist group but ok ... Whatever lets you get hysterical Hmm

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 02/01/2017 16:42

Then they go on to think that's acceptable as a career choice or as a way of thinking

Please tell me why the forces isn't an acceptable career choice!

Crowdblundering · 02/01/2017 16:43

Glad it's not just me that thought that's what she meant - wasn't being "hysterical" Hmm

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 16:53

It's been studied an there is no connection between weapon play as a child and actual weapon use as an adult so that argument is ridiculous.
Is a child who rides bumper cars going to purposely crash cars as an adult?

Crowdblundering · 02/01/2017 16:58

I wish our childhood games did come true - I would be a Princess Grin

Krampus · 02/01/2017 17:09

I would be a spy with special powers to fly.

thebakerwithboobs · 02/01/2017 17:11

I do get what you mean completely-and my husband is an undesirable who has been in the military for 29 years. I guess what you mean is that this sort of detailed play normalises something that we shouldn't accept as normal? I can see why it makes you uncomfortable but as others have said it's more about children making sense of things they see and hear. It's a tough one but an opportunity for them to explore other themes such as empathy and reconciliation perhaps. I can remember playing a game in the playground where we were children playing outside and had to run away from another child who was a 'bad man' who wanted to take us away in his van: basically we were playing 'avoid the paedo.' Chilling, if you overthink it, but actually just kids using their imagination and the world around them.

WhooooAmI24601 · 02/01/2017 17:18

DS1 is 11 now so has begun to understand the details of war and it's impact on people and the past. He's always been very interested in wars and the military and as our family has quite a few Ex-military members (mostly RAF but a few cousins in the Army and two in the Navy) he's grown up seeing and hearing more about war than other DCs might.

Both DCs play wars and have little soldiers, tanks and planes, both spend hours at a time engaging in little battles and go bezerk when I tell them they need to clear it all up. In short, they play war-games often.

However, we temper their games and our family history with an honest and open education about what war is an how much damage it does. Neither DC plays terrorist games or goes into detail about Syria/Turkey/anywhere specific. But it absolutely is possible to raise DCs who play 'war' but who don't glorify or admire it.

helpfulperson · 02/01/2017 17:29

play is how children learn to make sense of their surroundings. children in War zones also play war games.
conflict and war are a part of life and we need to help children understand not pretend they don't exist.