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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what mil will be doing with my child?

98 replies

roundaboutthehouses · 02/01/2017 03:07

My child (17 months) has never been away from me for more than a couple of hours.

Im expecting my 2nd so mil will be having my child for 1 whole day a week. The thought makes me anxious and worried - mainly because her house is not child proofed in any way and is full of dangerous stuff - glass candle holders, an open fire with no guard, loads of spikey things, steep stairs with sheer drop to one side as no handrail or banister.

I am feeling really anxious.

I know mil will look after him to the best of her ability but i am worried about the safety issues within her house. I dont know how to address this tactfully/without causing offence but i feel id be doing my son a disservice by not saying anything and getting some reassurance - id never forgive myself if anything happened.

My mil hasnt had a huge amount to to with ds before now and my oh in particular is very keen for this to happen. I know it will be a help when our 2nd arrives but i cant get over my anxieties over her house. She cant have him at ours as that will negate the point - to give me chance to get stuff done and give me time alone with pur 2nd when they arrive.

How can i approach this?

Im worried about her going to the loo or making a drink (she drinks for england so constantly has a hot coffee on the go), leaving lo and something bad happening. There are no stairgates and no playpen to put him in whilst doing these things.

Is it reasonable for me to say im concerned and ask what she will be doing to keep him safe? We dont get on well and my oh thinks im being silly (he isnt safety aware AT ALL but i know i am probably too far the other way)...

OP posts:

Enkopkaffetak · 02/01/2017 11:14

I havent read all of the thread, however I think it is a good thing for children to have close relationships with grandparents.

If it is causing you anxiety due to the state of her house be progressive. Say to her. "I know you having X will mean some babyproofing is needed. we will obviously pay for this so you are not out of pocket. " This way you can get stuff you are concerned about dealt with and it wont look like you are unreasonable at all due to offering to pay. Your anxiety will likely go down and your child will get to form a relationship with his grandma without you or dad there.

merrymouse · 02/01/2017 11:16

Agree with Iggi. Child mortality rates were very high. Now we expect our children to live.

Totalshambles · 02/01/2017 11:23

Get MIL to come to you to form a relationship with both kids and provide you with some help and help out with the kids. This will also help her to remember what small children are like and what kind of supervision and baby proofing is needed.

She can do things like washing up for you while you feed baby. She can take older one to park. She can take baby for a
Walk in buggy while you take older one to
Park. She can look after baby in the swimming pool cafe while u take
Older one swimming. This is much more helpful to you than to have the anxiety of her doing the care in her home especially at a time when she hasn't got a well established relationship with the child.

Also for your son, he is likely to feel very miffed at being bundled off to this
Woman who he hardly knows as soon as the baby comes. This is a way to cause problems and resentment etc.

Two small kids isn't impossible and if MIL wants to help out there are better ways to do this...

Footinmouthasusual · 02/01/2017 11:24

I had a new born and a 17 month old. It's fine. No one had mine one day a week.

However I have my grandson 3 days a week and we have fire guards and stair gates for those days also s playpen.

Your dh needs to offer to buy and fit them and she can take them off when your dc isn't there.

If he won't bother then cancel the arrangement.

honeylulu · 02/01/2017 11:26

I agree with Total. Get her to come to you. The extra pair of hands will be useful but you won't need to be anxious. She can take a turn holding the baby while you do stuff with your elder child too. She can still take him to the baby group so you get a couple of hours one to one time with baby.

Confusednotcom · 02/01/2017 11:29

I wouldn't do it either, you'll be stressed out with worry and if you don't feel able to talk to her about the safety issues then how will you deal with things like food, naps, activities where you may not see eye to eye.?
Either DH needs to respect your feelings and help you alleviate your fears or accept that this won't be happening. Maybe you could have a day out with MIL once a week, to a baby cinema showing, lunch in town or a walk. And spend time at hers when you are also there. No need to go from 0-100 on this surely.

MsGameandWatch · 02/01/2017 11:32

I've read the whole thread. I wouldn't do it. I would keep him with me and that's it. I would just say in a year or two we will look at it again but right now I don't need the help really so we will leave it for now. I stopped the odd overnight babysitting at my ex in laws for similar reasons and there was uproar but I stuck to my guns, wasn't easy though.

Ilovecaindingle · 02/01/2017 11:33

Have you considered how unsettled your toddler is going to be after spending the day with a virtual stranger in a strange house? Sounds like causing you stress and a toddler potential harm and anguish is the end result here.

YourFace · 02/01/2017 11:41

I would 100% be unhappy based on the stair case alone. That's crazy and pretty sure it wouldn't pass planning regs today. Not sure what the score is, if it is from years back.

Notonthestairs · 02/01/2017 15:40

I had a 17 month gap between mine.
The open stairs are a no-no.
Instead of doing a full day of childcare why dont you suggest she takes him to a toddler class or gymboree whatnot for a couple of hours at a time once or twice a week.
They get to bond and you get to go to the toilet alone (once a week ). When she knows your child better = and when she gets her stairs fixed - THEN she does a full day.

Original poster

roundaboutthehouses · 03/01/2017 20:07

Thanks all x x

Ive spoken to oh and he was very defensive. I explained that we had to both be happy with arrangements or the arrangements would be cancelled. End of....and that i wanted us to agree an approach that we were both happy with.

So, he will talk to mil and say either there are stairgates top of the stairs and in the hallway to prevent access to them from downstairs (there is a sheer drop on the stairs as no wall/rail etc so cant put one at bottom of stairs) OR our lo is not allowed in the hall/on stairs/upstairs (except to go up to nap but she will have to carry lo up and down). We are happy to pay for the gates and anything else lo needs to keep him safe in her care.

He will insist on a fire guard and has asked me to talk to her about the spikey stuff as he thinks thats a bit ott (i dont).

OP posts:

GabbySolis · 03/01/2017 21:03

I don't think the house safety is the main issue (although it is important) there are 20 months between my dc and dc1 had spent lots of time (sleep overs, etc) with dm and dmil before dc2 was born and had a fantastic relationship with both but was still upset around them when dc2 was first born. As PP have said, it sounds like this will be unsettling for him if he hasn't spent any time alone with his nana and then a new baby has arrived too. I agree with PP who say let them spend time together at your house first and then see how you can build on that. It might help your relationship with your mil too (it might not but worth a shot?) Good luck with the new baby

corythatwas · 03/01/2017 21:13

Our stairs do not allow the fixing of gates to the bottom; when dc were little we had a gate on the living room instead and used that as a large playpen. That might be a solution to the open stairs problem- always assuming that MIL is willing to keep the living room reasonably safe. Also, I used to take toddler dd with me to the loo- though that was not to keep her safe but to keep her from beating the living daylights out of baby brother.7

If anyone wants to contemplate the history of child safety, medieval saints' tales and medieval coroners' reports make gruesome reading.

Confusednotcom · 06/01/2017 23:24

I would insist they put stair railings in. Even the slightest risk a stair gate might be left open is not worth taking IMO. Good to see your OH is being supportive.

DailyFail1 · 07/01/2017 00:24

My house isn't toddler proof so when my nephews come round they don't leave my side. We play, I take them to the loo, don't go into the kitchen except to microwave their bottles/food
etc and use reigns on both when I take them out. No accident yet.

You need to understand your mil's caregiving style. It's a bit ridiculous introducing her to your ds for the first time at her place - she should have come to yours first so you could see her in action

lizb30 · 07/01/2017 00:38

Our youngest is 15 months, she's never slept out. My other two children are 12 & 13, a 15 month gap. I would have never sent my son away for a week with anyone if I was at home. We're a family. I felt it just as necessary for him to bond and get to know his sister as much as us. My husband had 3 days off work. He then worked four 12 hour night shifts. I coped without help. It would have never crossed my mind to send my eldest child to someone. You get on with it. I think it could be detrimental to do this. I know you say you're anxious, imagine how the 1 year old would feel to be away for so long. I could never.

DailyFail1 · 07/01/2017 00:41

Lizb is right. I didn't realise you were planning to send the eldest to mil when new baby arrives. This is how sibling rivalry starts. You need to keep them together and 'manage' them together (if you need help mil can come to you).

Unacceptable · 07/01/2017 01:05

roundaboutthehouses if this is about strengthening bonds and family connections, more than anything else, why does it involve you handing over your son to a woman you don't get on with much who actively favours her other dc and dgc?

Personally I'd have Mil spend time at my house. With us. Let her come and be a help to you if you need it but she slots into the family.
Sell it as an opportunity to get to know her better as you don't feel close enough to your Mil. Appeal to her ego...want to learn from you, get to know you, see more of you.
It looks like this has been suggested by your Dp to sooth his own jealously and sibling rivalry and to satisfy his mum's needs but not yours.
Seems like a perfect recipe for continued angst and resentment to build

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2017 03:42

OR our lo is not allowed in the hall/on stairs/upstairs (except to go up to nap but she will have to carry lo up and down)

No 'OR' about it! Gates or no deal. Is MiL going to stay upstairs in the hallway the whole time LO is napping? What's to guarantee LO won't wake, get out of the bed/cot and head down the stairs on his own? My DS2 started climbing out of his cot at about 20 mos. And MiL is going to carry a squiggly-wiggly 24 lb (average 17 mo weight) toddler up and down an open stairwell with no railing? That's asking for trouble and a whole lotta NOPE right there!

Tell DH it's back to the drawing board!

April2013 · 07/01/2017 04:33

This is crazy, forget your DH and MIL. What do you want? You get to decide. You will be fine with 2. When it comes to safety you don't have to compromise. Where would he be safest? You have anxiety because there are lots of problems here, you are anxious for good reason. Trust your instincts.

ChuckSnowballs · 07/01/2017 07:49

Lizb is right. I didn't realise you were planning to send the eldest to mil when new baby arrives.

It is in the first two sentences. What did you think the thread was about?

OP - your child doesn't even have a relationship with your child. Before you even think about safety at hers, she needs to build up to this, not just to take him as soon as you have your second child.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 08/01/2017 00:45

So, it came about when my oh had a go at her for never seeing our lb and they agreed she would have him 1 day a week

I can understand your dh feeling hurt that his own mum can't be bothered with him or his child......but he needs to separate his issues with his mum from what is beneficial for your dc.

He's trying to force a relationship with someone who's not interested.
She accepted just to keep the peace, not because she wants to enjoy looking after/getting to know your dc.
I'd rather my dc were with a childminder/friends than with 'family' who are only doing it out of sufferance

My oh doesnt 'get' the dangers. He thinks im ott

Well, as primary carer of your dc, surely your view is the more 'informed' one?
How much hands on/involved parenting has he actually done with dc?
From my experience you have to have eyes and ears at the back of your head when in the company of toddlers

Basic safety measures - which he should have noticed himself - are there to prevent accidents....

I know i would rather be considered OTT or whatever.
Stuff living in a state of permanent anxiety!

If mil wants to have a better relationship with your family, she won't need her arm twisting.
If she doesn't, it hurts but at least you know where to lay your boundaries

Upsy1981 · 08/01/2017 08:28

In the house we lived in wjen DD was little, the downstairs was all open plan with the stairs in the middle of the room. No chance of putting a stair gate on the bottom. I didn't really child proof our house, I just watched DD and if necessary stuck her in the travel cot we had downstairs for naps with some toys if I needed to contain her safely for a few minutes. Surely of your MIL has had her own children and carW's for her other GC she can be trusted?

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