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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what mil will be doing with my child?

98 replies

roundaboutthehouses · 02/01/2017 03:07

My child (17 months) has never been away from me for more than a couple of hours.

Im expecting my 2nd so mil will be having my child for 1 whole day a week. The thought makes me anxious and worried - mainly because her house is not child proofed in any way and is full of dangerous stuff - glass candle holders, an open fire with no guard, loads of spikey things, steep stairs with sheer drop to one side as no handrail or banister.

I am feeling really anxious.

I know mil will look after him to the best of her ability but i am worried about the safety issues within her house. I dont know how to address this tactfully/without causing offence but i feel id be doing my son a disservice by not saying anything and getting some reassurance - id never forgive myself if anything happened.

My mil hasnt had a huge amount to to with ds before now and my oh in particular is very keen for this to happen. I know it will be a help when our 2nd arrives but i cant get over my anxieties over her house. She cant have him at ours as that will negate the point - to give me chance to get stuff done and give me time alone with pur 2nd when they arrive.

How can i approach this?

Im worried about her going to the loo or making a drink (she drinks for england so constantly has a hot coffee on the go), leaving lo and something bad happening. There are no stairgates and no playpen to put him in whilst doing these things.

Is it reasonable for me to say im concerned and ask what she will be doing to keep him safe? We dont get on well and my oh thinks im being silly (he isnt safety aware AT ALL but i know i am probably too far the other way)...

OP posts:

timelytess · 02/01/2017 08:55

Say no.

Crumbs1 · 02/01/2017 08:56

If she's managing the other two then she is probably fine with yours. Older woman have raised their own children so aren't complete novices. You should buy a fire guard and stair gate but the idea she might go to the loo being a problem is, quite frankly ridiculous. Do you not pee? Do you not drink? I suspect she push the child out proudly to the park to feed the ducks and go to,a nice cafe for lunch. It's a big jump,from no contact to all day so maybe introduce a few shorter sessions or do something together with granny a few times first. He may well benefit hugely from having someone calmer and less anxious for a while each week where he can explore and climb with a bit more freedom from fretting.

CecilyP · 02/01/2017 09:10

I am an anxious person but i know i have a point here.

You may be an anxious person generally, but over this you are 100% reasonable. Your Mil's house is dangerous. You wouldn't send your DC to a childminder with a place like this, (and she couldn't be registered anyway) so why send to mil just because she is related. The wine and the ornaments don't matter - if they get broken, they get broken. The important things are the unguarded open fire and the open stairs which wouldn't pass building regs - regs that are there for the purpose of keeping people safe. She may have brought up her own children, but probably not in this house. Does she even want to have your DS for one full day a week? You really need to stand up to your DH and MIL for the sake of your DS's safety!

haveacupoftea · 02/01/2017 09:13

She did manage to raise your DH, presumably she knows what measures to take to keep a child safe.

WonderMike · 02/01/2017 09:21

Before you commit to this, your OH needs to take your DS round to his DM's house, by himself, and watch his precious child trash the place, spilling hot coffee and dangling off the edge of the stairs while his DM just nips to the loo.

My MIL has 6 kids and numerous GC. I don't leave her with my DC after one time when I came back from the toilet to find a screaming DC with a bleeding head - she had no idea what he'd done, she'd forgotten how quickly he could move. She'd also forgotten that when her DC were little the bannisters were blocked up, and it didn't occur to her that it had been because they had handy toddler-sized gaps between them. The idea that she must be able to manage because she'd raised 6 kids in that house 40 years ago is a daft one.

ZZZZ1111 · 02/01/2017 09:22

Can't you spend time at her house over the next few months and see how she and your toddler get on? I visited my parents in law regularly with my baby from when he was born, and as time has gone on have felt confident to leave him with them for a few hours here and there. I saw myself what they were doing to manage their non baby proofed home and what a good bond they were forming with him, and how they were probably supervised him better than I do!

You could also just chat to her while you're there and suggest buying her a stair gate etc?

If you're in her home with your toddler you will be able to identify hazards anyway I.e. The toddler is heading towards the fireplace and see how your mil deals with it?

llangennith · 02/01/2017 09:26

What zzzz1111 said

MakeItRain · 02/01/2017 09:27

You actually cannot send your child to this house without a proper discussion about how the safety aspects are going to be managed. The open stairs are so dangerous.

You could just say, "I just don't think it's fair on MIL to ask her to make so many changes to her house just to look after DS". If your husband dismisses it, you just keep saying, of course she'll have to, he could kill himself on the open stairs and we can't expect her to be glued to his side all day - what happens if she needs the loo?"
The argument that "you'll have less time for him so this is a great arrangement" doesn't always work either. He could see it as you shipping him out for the day while you play with the baby.

The very least you can do is suggest you spend a few hours there with your son and watch him negotiate the house so you can suggest safety measures.

Don't let anyone fob you off with "you're too anxious" arguments. You just say, yes I do get anxious but this is basic safety issues, don't even think about linking it to anxiety. You do need to summon strength over this, because her stairs are a potential death trap for a toddler.

adagio · 02/01/2017 09:29

I agree with pp that it sounds like you are being pressured into this. Personally, I wouldn't send him - I would facilitate her taking him to baby groups, seeing the cousins (with granny) and maybe step that up over time but no way would I have my mil feeling she was doing me a favour when in fact it almost the opposite. My kids have never been looked after by their grandparents, and still have great relationships with them. I read mn with some surprise when I see all these threads about sending the kids to grannies for sleepovers from a few weeks, full days childcare to give mum a break etc. My kids, my problem- they are not little for long. It's different if childcare is needs for work. I don't recall my mum ever having help with us when I was young.

I kept my dd in nursery for a bit each week when dd2 arrived, but that was to allow her to keep her friends and routine, not for me. We did daily baby/toddler groups to get out and about.

Good luck whatever you do!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/01/2017 09:30

Can she come to your house to look after her? At least until her house is child proofed.

BusyBeez99 · 02/01/2017 09:33

I think a lot of the responses are a bit odd. are you all really moving all your stuff when you have children? I've had children round who can't stop touching my stuff and it's because I've found out that at their home it is totally child proof. They never learn about not touching things. I taught my child by gentle 'no' to not touch things and he never has. Of course all children are naturally inquisitive and it's important to have some things they CAN play with so it's not always a No.

I think OP needs to start letting go no matter how anxious she is - the MiL has managed to bring up her son plus looks after the other GC perfectly well.

CecilyP · 02/01/2017 09:40

While mil could easily buy and fix a fire guard, it isnt a matter of just buying a stair gate, as op said the stairs are completely open - no banister. Mil would have to get the builders in to make them safe.

While wondermike's suggestion of sending DH and DS round to Mil's house on their own is a good one, there is also the danger that your dh holds on to ds the whole time while they sit and chat, then returns home and insists there is no problem.

smilingsarahb · 02/01/2017 09:41

I totally understand being worried, the stairs sound dangerous and I always think it's better to talk about things rather than bottling them up...but do remember your mother in law managed to raise her own child and looks after other children so please give her a little credit too. For instance she might not wave hot drinks over your child when she is in sole charge, or she might have worked out that child needs to go to the loo with her rather than sit in an open fire. My mum is flighty and distract able except for when she is in sole charge of the kids and then she pulls it together. Perhaps leave your child with her for an hour at first and see how that gets on.

merrymouse · 02/01/2017 09:44

Tact doesn't come in to it.

You go to her house and tell her what needs to be done to make it safe or you don't leave your child there.

Only you know your child. All children are different. A house that might be perfectly safe for one 17 month old wouldn't be safe for another. Even from one week to the next there will be changes, so this isn't a conversation you only have once.

If you don't need your child to be there 1 day a week, don't go ahead with the arrangement. Plenty of people don't have extra help and grandparents don't need to have sole charge to develop a relationship with a grandchild.

happypoobum · 02/01/2017 09:49

There is no way I would have my child cared for one day a week in a house that had an open staircase.

I can't see the need for this arrangement at all really.

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/01/2017 09:52

Why don't you ask MIL to take your little one to a baby group you already go to or something one morning a week?

They'll build a relationship, you'll have some time just you and the baby and you won't have the anxiety of her death trap house, your OH won't be able to say you're blocking her from having a relationship, win!

merrymouse · 02/01/2017 09:55

They never learn about not touching things. I taught my child by gentle 'no' to not touch things and he never has.

To be blunt, this attitude is very, very dangerous.

Saying 'no' is not a safe way to keep children safe.

Children play differently. Some children want to explore and find out how things work. Some children are taller than others and can reach things more easily. Some children respond to 'no' some children resist 'no'. Some children like to sit, some children like to climb.

None of this should be surprising - it's not as though we are all the same as adults.

You can't dictate your child's personality or abilities, but at 17 months old you can try to keep them safe.

Sofassogood · 02/01/2017 09:55

I haven't forgotten the poster who described her child falling from an open stair. The GPs hadn't changed the stairs even after she was hospitalised.
Yes gps have raised their own children, some survive more through luck than anything else.

DonutParade · 02/01/2017 10:04

Open stairs would mean an outright no for me.

BusyBeez99 · 02/01/2017 10:06

It's not a dangerous attitude. It works when done correctly.

merrymouse · 02/01/2017 10:18

No, it really, really, really doesn't 'work' - unless it works in the same way that driving without a seat belt is perfectly safe as long as you are never in a car accident.

It's not even as though 'don't touch' works in every potential situation - how does 'don't touch' stop a child falling from a height?

As importantly, who wants to bring up a 17 month old in an environment where they can't touch or explore because everything is too dangerous or too fragile?

toptoe · 02/01/2017 10:20

You don't want this. You say it came about after your oh had a go at her, so she doesn't really want this either. Just say you had a rethink and maybe the best way is for her to come and visit you if she wants to get to know him better.

At the end of the day, you know your toddler's needs. If your oh is having a strop about how much she sees his siblings' kids and trying to even up the score then it's not about what's good for your toddler and more about him feeling hard done by. Your mil is already looking after 2 other dc, why should she be eemotionally blackmailed into looking after another when the mother of that child doesn't actually need her to?

Just ring her and say you've not really got any need for her to look after him but would love her to come and visit regularly or accompany you to toddler group if she wants to. In fact, she could take your lo to toddler group for a couple of hours...that might be the win win for you.

Beebeeeight · 02/01/2017 10:21

She doesn't need to have him at her house.

She can take him out for the day.

scottishdiem · 02/01/2017 11:08

The OP has to do what is best for her. No point doing something that will stress her even more in an already stressful situation.

However, it makes me wonder how civilisation ever got this far given the fears that exist today about children hurting themselves. How we got past the discovery of sharpened pieces of flint, I do not know.

Iggi999 · 02/01/2017 11:11

Well, people had about ten children and hoped a few of them made it to adulthood, I suppose.

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