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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what mil will be doing with my child?

98 replies

roundaboutthehouses · 02/01/2017 03:07

My child (17 months) has never been away from me for more than a couple of hours.

Im expecting my 2nd so mil will be having my child for 1 whole day a week. The thought makes me anxious and worried - mainly because her house is not child proofed in any way and is full of dangerous stuff - glass candle holders, an open fire with no guard, loads of spikey things, steep stairs with sheer drop to one side as no handrail or banister.

I am feeling really anxious.

I know mil will look after him to the best of her ability but i am worried about the safety issues within her house. I dont know how to address this tactfully/without causing offence but i feel id be doing my son a disservice by not saying anything and getting some reassurance - id never forgive myself if anything happened.

My mil hasnt had a huge amount to to with ds before now and my oh in particular is very keen for this to happen. I know it will be a help when our 2nd arrives but i cant get over my anxieties over her house. She cant have him at ours as that will negate the point - to give me chance to get stuff done and give me time alone with pur 2nd when they arrive.

How can i approach this?

Im worried about her going to the loo or making a drink (she drinks for england so constantly has a hot coffee on the go), leaving lo and something bad happening. There are no stairgates and no playpen to put him in whilst doing these things.

Is it reasonable for me to say im concerned and ask what she will be doing to keep him safe? We dont get on well and my oh thinks im being silly (he isnt safety aware AT ALL but i know i am probably too far the other way)...

OP posts:
bumblingmum · 02/01/2017 07:41

If you are anxious why not start with just a couple of hours at a time?
Also agree with others, if you are worried then you need to say. Just be honest and say you are very anxious to be away from him.
If it's any help, my mum had my kids one day a week from 10 months and her house was not baby proofed. It is an old cottage with wood burner and open stairs. She would spend every waking second with my dd entertaining her and not be doing any other jobs like we would do at home. All her jobs/chores were put on hold as she could do them another day.

QuandryQueen · 02/01/2017 07:44

Can't she just come to yours? You can tuck yourself upstairs with with baby and rest post birth.

PlugUgly · 02/01/2017 07:48

There seems to be a lot of what your OH wants re this and not enough of what you want
Totally agree with PP re your older child will feel pushed out when baby comes
If you have enjoyed having your DC close since birth why on earth not carry on?
Your OH's resentment of her favouring his sibling is not a good enough reason for doing this, put your feelings and instincts first, they are the most important in this situation

MrsNuckyThompson · 02/01/2017 07:49

My main thought is that if it is making you this anxious you just shouldn't do it.

But that aside I do feel you might be letting your anxieties get the better of you. We have steep stairs with no stair gate and we have a wood burner with no fire guard (tbf the fire is only lit at night usually and even then not daily). The only child proofing we've ever had is to have some corner guards on 4 particularly sharp corners. That doesn't make us negligent or uncaring, it is just the approach we've taken and I've taken the view that I'd rather ensure DS is safe rather than rely on gadgets.

Your MIL has other gcs a few days a week. Is there anything in particular which makes you feel she is uncaring with those children? She sounds like an experienced and safe pair of hands. So I think you have anxieties here they are to do with your own issues, not hers.

ChasedByBees · 02/01/2017 07:54

The whole arrangement sounds unsuitable. You don't want to do it, you don't need it, it's not safe and your child may wonder why he's being packed off once a new child arrives. You can say no or change your mind.

ChasedByBees · 02/01/2017 07:55

Oh and your MIL favours other grandchildren. That may still continue but would be more hurtful to your little one if they develop a stronger bond.

Pilgit · 02/01/2017 07:55

The stairs would worry me but other things less do. My mum didn't Cholderton proof her home and there are hazards everywhere but she trained the children to be careful. Difficult to describe but she has this air over expectation around her - she expects them to leave her stuff alone and they do.

Maybe phrase your concerns in terms of what your child is like - i.e. "DC loves to climb stairs so you may wish to get a stair gate unless you want to spend all day pulling him off them ". This may help if she is likely to get upset about you raising concerns.

Pilgit · 02/01/2017 07:56

Cholderton proof - BLOODY AUTO CORRECT! child proof.

MoggieMaeEverso · 02/01/2017 07:58

The whole plan is silly and dangerous. You don't have a child in a house with no stair rail. You just don't. There is a poster on here whose children were seriously injured falling from one of those. If OH doesn't see it as a problem, too bad... He doesn't get to endanger the life of his child just because he has no clue about safety. You stand your ground.

Why doesn't she have a relationship with your DC now? She could easily come and take them to an activity or to a cafe and build their relationship. Then they could continue that after DC2 arrives. If you find you need more support, she can come and look after the kids at your place for an hour or two while you shower, nap, or pop to the shops.

If she's willing and able to child proof the Dracula's castle then down the road you could consider the whole day thing.

I don't even send my 3 year old to his grandmother for the whole day, there's no need!

But at the end of the day you are the primary carer, not your OH, and if this plan is supposed to be for your benefit then you are the one who decides how it will all work.

SouthWindsWesterly · 02/01/2017 08:01

It's really rather simple. Your MIL looks after the other GC in their own home. For the sake of equality, your LB should also therefore be looked after in his own home. Make up the spare room and get her favourite coffee in. Also point out to house proud MIL that it's easier that way as you wouldn't want her home to become a disaster area with mess.

ChuckSnowballs · 02/01/2017 08:04

Zero to hero in 60 seconds.

Personally I think that with no relationship at all, she needs to put the hours in to get to know the child first, you have no idea how she even is with them. And that's before the safety factor. Open stairs with no bannister are dangerous for adults, let alone toddlers.

Fairylea · 02/01/2017 08:07

I don't think you should do this. Having a new sibling is a massive change for a young toddler and then packing them off to a granny one day a week that they barely know is too much to cope with really, especially when you're not keen on the idea either. Just say no and invite mil round more / do stuff together so she can get to know the kids that way.

Gallavich · 02/01/2017 08:09

If your MIL lives locally how come she doesn't see your ds much already? It seems a bit all or nothing to go to a full day per week. Why can't she come and take him out or to her place for a few hours once or twice a week? Why don't you incorporate her in his life in a more gradual way?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 02/01/2017 08:12

I can completely understand your anxieties but just to put another point here. You MIl did successfully raise her own child/children and so she does have experience. She may have forgotten what it's like but she has been there.
Secondly, it's partly up to you (and her, obviously) to try to build the relationship between them. I do think this is easier to do with your own mum, generally. But it's important to your child to have these extended family relationships.

Why not just have a nice chat with her about what safety feature MIL might need and where to buy them from? Rather than ducking out of it all together before your have tried?

Raisensaretoddlercrack · 02/01/2017 08:14

Is there no way she could look after the other grandchildren at their house and your DS all together on the same day? That way your DS gets to socialise with other children and is in a more suitable environment.

cansu · 02/01/2017 08:24

You have a problem with your oh here. Tell him clearly that most families with more than one child dont send obe chkld away for one day a week with a relative. Your mil can come over one morning a week and hekp out or take your eldest to playgroup or wherever if she wants to see him more. Or she can sort out her house so that you are convinced its safe. You will have to get tough. I recommend uou stop referring to your anxiety as it sounds like this is being used against you to rubbish your concerns.

Poole5 · 02/01/2017 08:25

There are no stairgates and no playpen to put him in whilst doing these things

People managed to bring up children for years without any of these things.

Krampus · 02/01/2017 08:30

Do you have a good enough relationships with your mil and ask her it's it's what she really wants? If she agreed after he had a go at her then it sounds as if he rail roaded her into it. What's with the other grandkids she now has 3 of her days devoted to childcare! She may only be doing the other days because she knows they are desperate for childcare. Could you ask her if she'd prefer just to take your eldest to the playgroup? Saying how helpful that would be even, even if it's not every week.

If he wants his child to have a closer relationship with her then he can arrange more short visits. It's possible for kids to have good relationships with their grandparents without being regularly looked after by them. It's also not a guarantee they will all be best buddies at age 14.

humblesims · 02/01/2017 08:33

remove the spikey and glass stuff (inc the wine rack), put a fire guard on and have stairgates at top of stairs and in the doorway from lounge into hall where the open stairs are.
Just tell her this. Its basic safety and isnt just you being fussy. Tell her well in advance (buy the gates) and let her know that you will need these things done (being firm but friendly) or you will worry and if she doesnt want to make those changes then she could look after LO in your home instead. You must speak up, you are not being unreasonable.

BusyBeez99 · 02/01/2017 08:34

Apart from a stair gate and using he travel cot in an emergency loo visit, I don't think she needs to change anything. We never asked my mum to move anything including wine rack and our DS never touched a thing. Same here. He didn't touch the Sky box and DVDs and other ornaments etc. We just kept saying no sane hand went towards and then after a few times he never
bothered again.

I think you are being a bit anxious about things that won't happen. I am the same so can get how you are feeling. But please try to relax a bit

My advice would be for her to have your child for a couple of hours. Then half a day. Then a few more hours so that it gradually builds up to a whole day before your new baby arrives.

BusyBeez99 · 02/01/2017 08:35

*as not sane

Sierra259 · 02/01/2017 08:39

I don't think you need your lo to be looked after at MIL's to get the benefits of some help with childcare. If she comes to yours, it will be less unsettling for him, you still get an extra pair of hands to help with having a toddler and a newborn and you eliminate your anxieties about her unsuitable house. She can take your older one out to the park/shops if you need some quiet time with the baby, or take baby out in the pram to give you one-on-one time with the toddler. Plus MIL gets to spend more time with both DC, so that'll keep your OH happy?

diddl · 02/01/2017 08:45

I would say wait & see & organise as & when you need help.

It reads to me as if your OH is trying to foist your lo on his mum to try & force a relationship.

Don't do that to your son!

Julius02 · 02/01/2017 08:47

I regularly look after small GC and have never childproofed my home (nor been asked to). I'm just always with them, and the travel cot is invaluable not just for naps but to pop them in to for a minute with a toy while I nip to the loo.

Your MIL looks after her other GC and they are fine so you may be worrying unnecessarily. You've said that you don't like her so perhaps that has a bearing. Maybe you need to try leaving your child with her for short spells now and that might give you some reassurance? You can then decide whether you want her to look after your child one day a week. At the moment you sound a little PFB, which is understandable but it would be nice if you can get to the point where you feel confident to have her look after your DC occasionally.

Mindtrope · 02/01/2017 08:48

Sorry but I think it's bonkers.

Your OH has no right to run roughshod over your feelings like this- that's your main problem.

I wouldn't have wanted my 17 month old baby to go stay with MIL one day a week- what is that supposed to achieve?
I have ab 16 month gap between my kids and managed just fine. We would get out to toddler groups two or three mornings a week, giving the older one a chance to socialise, and me a chance to have a chat with other Mums.

If my OH had pushed me into a situation like this when I clearly didn't want to do it then I would simply refuse.