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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isnt normal behaviour. Need advice please

23 replies

iluvshoes · 01/01/2017 21:36

Not sure if I post here or in lone parents. I'm a bit concerned about some language and behaviour that my son is using. He's 13 in January. So he's started using some very sexual language and its a bit worrying. I's it part of growing up ? Am I being a bit over the top ?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2017 21:43

What type of stuff? Is it disrespectful towards Women?

idontlikealdi · 01/01/2017 21:44

In what way? I think we need examples.

DJBaggySmalls · 01/01/2017 21:45

He might be copying his friends thinking it makes him seem mature. You need to explain to him why its an issue if its disrespectful.
You can also explain its not a race.

Ilovecaindingle · 01/01/2017 21:46

Do you know his friends?
Do you monitor his technology?

Original poster

iluvshoes · 01/01/2017 21:54

So a little bit of swaring when he's on his game. So I've said he will lose the use if this if it carries on. Then the sexual language is mainly around anal sex. I find it a little bit over the top and worrying. Not really any bad attitudes towards women but do you think this is just boys being boys ?

OP posts:

Original poster

iluvshoes · 01/01/2017 21:56

We have a filter on the internet and most of his mates I've met as he's had a few sleep overs. He's not an angel but this just stands out as being a bit odd.

OP posts:

OhTheRoses · 01/01/2017 21:58

Swearing is normal. Never heard my ds (22) use sexual language.

pklme · 01/01/2017 21:59

Check he understands what he is talking about. My DS wouldn't usually swear in front of me but happily used a variety of words which he hadn't understood the implications of. Boy talk can be pretty grim, but it doesn't hurt to have a chat and say you don't like the language.
There is no need to shame him, you can say 'of course boys talk differently with their mates than with their parents' and 'these are the words I don't want to hear', and perhaps why not.
Thing is, some of his mates will be watching porn. Some of it will be vile. You need to be talking to him about the sort of stuff which goes on and why it is not good. Give him the tools he needs to keep himself safe rather than making him feel bad for using bad words, IYSWIM.

helpimitchy · 01/01/2017 21:59

I think this is what they seem to talk about at school these days

When ds2 was in his nice catholic primary he'd emerge from school and I'd spend the trip home having to explain what different words meant just so he didn't look stupid. Some of them were real corkers and I'm no prude.

I think some kids are exposed to pornography. I guess all you can do is try to point them in the right direction as far as relationships and respecting women goes, and hope for the best.

Figure17a · 01/01/2017 22:04

I think it depends what he's saying and in what context. Isn't most swearing sexual language, in that the words mean sex acts or bits, but generally isn't used in that context?

When my teens use that kind of language (rarely as they've learned what happens!) I embarrass them by making them explain to me what it means, or (worse) if they don't know I explain it to them!

Original poster

iluvshoes · 01/01/2017 22:06

Thanks for all the feedback very much appreciated. I will remain calm and have a chat with him

OP posts:

mineofuselessinformation · 01/01/2017 22:06

Establish whether or not he understands what he's saying.
If he does, point out to him that's it's disrespectful (how would he like people saying it about you, his ds, his cousins for example?)
If he doesn't, educate him and point out how disgusting it is.

crazydoglady6867 · 01/01/2017 22:06

My son is 24 and would never use bad or sexual language if he thought I could hear, does your son know you can hear him?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 01/01/2017 22:16

As PP said, check he understands what they mean and have a chat with him about it. My ex boyfriend and I got together when we were 19 and he would use the word "nonce" as just a jokingly bad word (like you would with plonker etc) until I heard him say it and asked why he used it as it's not something you should ever call someone but he had no idea what it actually meant!

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 22:22

Is he talking about actual explicit acts or are they just accusing each other of getting bummed etc? If it's the latter that was pretty standard banter at that age from what I remember.

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 22:23

Not in front of adults though to be fair.

triskellionoflegs · 01/01/2017 22:28

Check he understands what he is talking about.

I get the general idea, but do you really want to start explaining anal sex to him if he doesn't? I wouldn't want to get into that discussion in any detail with a pre teen - it sounds like something he's picked up and thinks it sounds grown up.

I think I'd get him an age appropriate book on the facts of life, tell him to ask if he has questions, and mention, without getting cross, that some things aren't mentioned in every day conversation, many people could be shocked (parents of younger kids could be a bit annoyed too, if he extends their knowledge and vocabulary with anal sex!).

I'd be curious where he picked up that particular topic tho, as its not part of 'the basics' that you'd expect curious older kids to be discussing - maybe check who he talks to online, and in the games he plays online (many multiplayer games allow conversation, and other players may not even realise he's a child...).

Benedikte2 · 01/01/2017 22:31

OP has he or any of his mates been sexually abused?
Have a non threatening discussion with him and if there is nothing of concern advise him about hat is and isn't acceptable language in different environments

Pixel · 01/01/2017 23:02

I avoid getting on the bus at school chucking out time because honestly the language the kids use and the topics of conversation are vile. They discuss things I'd never heard of until I was an adult and insult each other all the time. Probably most of their parents are unaware that they know about such things!

dreamingofLombok · 01/01/2017 23:06

Is he embarrassed when you speak to him about it or have you not broached the subject at all yet? Mine are a bit older and mortified if I catch them swearing on line or if I see something on their phones.

Original poster

iluvshoes · 02/01/2017 09:05

I've now had a chat with him and explained that I find some of the stuff he talks about a bit horrid. He has apologised and said he never meant to upset me. I will keep an eye on this and if it continues investigate further. Thanks once again for all the feedback

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2017 09:57

Glad that you talked and it turned out OK! I let my 13yr old off with a little bit of swearing now and then, as in my opinion it's only words, although this only applies when she is at home, or just with immediate family!

I am not daft however, and know that she swears with her friends. The language would be my main concern...I hope he realises now.

dollydaydream114 · 02/01/2017 10:42

I'm not surprised that a 13 year old boy is swearing or using sexual words; that seems normal. I am, however, surprised he's doing it in front of his mum. I think he just needs to grasp the fact that people need to modify their language depending on who can hear them and whether they will be bothered by it. Sounds like he just needs to get to grips with boundaries, which I'm sure he will now that you've had a chat with him.

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