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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friends may be toxic?

100 replies

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 15:35

Sorry I have name changed.

We are a group of 7 friends (from school). I've always felt like the one that didn't matter. Hard to explain really

One had a baby shower and I wasn't invited. One had a NYE party yesterday and again I wasn't invited. One is having a wedding and I'm yet to receive an invitation (everyone else has)

If I had done any of this and excluded one of them it would be made out to be a massive thing. But when I'm the one being left out .., it's fine.

I do get invited to some things though but at this point I rarely ever go because I often leave feeling shit.

I woke up to a group text saying we all need to meet up more etc and I just feel like ... why?! I'm clearly not an equal to them.

OP posts:

PovertyJetset · 01/01/2017 20:06

I wouldn't also like to stand up for Tinsel- she speaks sense!

I think it's like that film... "he's just not that into you"

ClarissaDarling · 01/01/2017 20:15

tinsel I was agreeing with you in case it's not come across like this! The advice generally given out when it's DC who aren't getting on in friendship groups is we can't make anyone include us or like us- and think you're giving these people too much headspace!

tenterden · 01/01/2017 20:27

I understand this OP. I am part of a group of 6 who have been friends for over thirty years. There is just one horribly toxic cow. Unfortunately she is BFF with the Queen Bee so it's very difficult for me to get away from her as I really do like the QB.

I rub along as best as I can but there have been times when the toxic cow has been so beastly to me that I have considered jacking the whole lot of them in.

I accept now that we just aren't going to get along, and I minimise the amount of time I have to spend with her ( am 100% sure the feeling is mutual!)

So yes, try to spend time with the ones you do like and hope the others get the message. Do you think you will get pressurised by the friends you intend to stay in contact with to play nice with the ones who sometimes exclude you though?

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 20:31

I think it's like that film... "he's just not that into you"

So you think I sit around waiting for them to text me?

That I force my presence on them?

That I'm clinging on the memories of the ghost of friendship past?

It's not about friends turning into acquaintances. This has happened to me many times (change of job, moving away, generally drifting apart). I know the difference.

OP posts:

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 20:33

Tenterden that's very interesting and makes a lot of sense.

OP posts:

PovertyJetset · 01/01/2017 21:33

I don't know if you're sitting around if or not, but as a grown up I think you're overly invested in a friendship group that doesn't reciprocate

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 21:52

I'm not overly invested at all.

Like I said in my OP I got a text in a group chat saying we all need to meet up more etc

Which I thought strange seeing as they exclude me from certain things.

I've heard just from talking to one of them about the baby shower, NYE party etc. It's not like I'm sat on Facebook stalking them - I don't even bloody have FB.

I spent the evening with incredible friends. I would never exclude one person, or pick and choose what they are or not invited to (if it were an entire group event). It's pretty nasty behaviour imo and I know if it were one of them they would be very upset by it.

OP posts:

ChicRock · 01/01/2017 21:55

Is one of these the same friend that your other thread is about?

If you're the 'friend' in your other thread then I can see why you were not invited/told about the baby shower.

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 21:56

There was even an instance a couple of years ago when I had lunch with two of them and one of them (queen bee) rang me up demanding to know why she hadn't been invited.

She had gone out for lunch and not included everyone a few times at this point.

OP posts:

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/01/2017 22:07

The "we need to meet up" message - was that from one of the ones you get on with? If she's part of the wider group, but sees you get left out of "full group meet ups" perhaps she's trying to ensure you are brought back in, or doesn't want you to be left out. If it's one of the ones who doesn't seem to like you, then perhaps just ignore.

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 22:09

None of the ones I'm friends with arrange group meet ups (individual one - yes). I don't think any of them are feeling sorry for me

OP posts:

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 22:14

Honestly don't see me as some lonely person sat on my sofa scrolling through photos of the past with a glass of wine whilst crying.

Like I said I have some amazing friends who only want the best for me.

I just find this behaviour odd as I'm not sure why they seem to want to occasionally include me

OP posts:

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 22:24

I just find this behaviour odd as I'm not sure why they seem to want to occasionally include me

I don't think its odd to sometimes do things in smaller groups and sometimes do things in larger groups

I had an "invite everyone" friend and in the end a couple of us had to have a word with her, in one instance I had invited her and one other friend for coffee, I needed to see my friends for a chat as I was stressed, anyway she forwarded on the invite to pretty much all our acquaintances, I was really pissed off because I didn't feel up to a big social "girls coffee morning", I just wanted to let off a bit of steam and have a giggle about what had gone on with 2 good friends.

I definitely don't invite everyone all the time. I'm not "excluding" people if I just fancy a small get together, I'm just not wanting every lunch/coffee/meal to turn into a massive group thing

bumsexatthebingo · 01/01/2017 22:28

If it is a definite group of 7 as the op says then it is off for them to be doing stuff as a 6. I would wonder why the 3 nice ones have been OK with the op being the only one excluded as well. Different if it's just 2 or 3 meeting up.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 22:29

sid it's simple, just let the other 4 fade and meet up and do stuff with the other 3 you like. Wow people are really making a mountain out of a molehill

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 22:30

If queen bee gets a bee in her bonnet, call her up on it, don't be a doormat!

BubbleFairy · 01/01/2017 22:32

I had friendship issues similarly to this. In the summer I decided to leave the group. I had one or two fake want to continue the friendships independently but nothing has been forthcoming. But actually having them removed from fb, WhatsApp, etc has made my mental health better, and the friends I do have left, are far more genuine.

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 22:34

I definitely don't invite everyone all the time. I'm not "excluding" people if I just fancy a small get together, I'm just not wanting every lunch/coffee/meal to turn into a massive group thing

But a baby shower, wedding and NYE party are not the same as a lunch, coffee or meal.

OP posts:

BubbleFairy · 01/01/2017 22:42

There is also a huge difference between inviting one or two people round for a coffee or supper, as you don't want a big group thing, and inviting 6 friends and excluding one.

I realised when I saw all others at a childs party and the host bullshitted me excuses. And then when other plans were posted in the wrong WhatsApp chat. By that point I realised I didn't care anymore and ended it. I actually honestly haven't missed them since. Especially as two of them were toxic, and one was a territory marking style one. But it's only in hindsight you see their behaviours for what they are.

The end came for me when the territory one told the others a huge secret of mine. That ended it instantly for me. She did it to make herself centre of attention.

bringbacksideburns · 01/01/2017 23:08

You sound pissed off and defensive - so don't bother with the ones who don't really bother with you.

Sometimes this is what happens and you just gravitate to the friendships who make you feel good.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 23:15

But a baby shower, wedding and NYE party are not the same as a lunch, coffee or meal.

why would you invite someone you aren't close to who you only see at group things to your wedding or baby shower?

Silverdream · 01/01/2017 23:22

I think you are being wound up for the fun of the poster. Not very nice. Please ignore.

I think because it's old school friends some of them haven't moved on from the teen group dynamics that happened when you were in school.
If you cut your loses with the queen bees and just meet up with the ones you're closest too you'll feel much better. You'll still have the past connection but just with the important ones for you.
You may also find if you withdraw from the group they may involve you more and it'll be someone else's turn.

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 23:27

Silverdream think you hit the nail on the head there - thank you.

I'm just going to put my energy into good people. I'm annoyed I started this thread for the pure reason of giving this subject more energy/thought than it deserved.

OP posts:

Original poster

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 23:37

You sound pissed off and defensive - so don't bother with the ones who don't really bother with you.

I'm not

I just perhaps haven't explained myself well so it gets frustrating when people jump to conclusions, make assumptions.

It's a hard thing to post about because there's a good 10 years of history which can't be explained in one quick OP.

OP posts:

capricorn12 · 02/01/2017 01:12

Tinsel , I totally get what you are saying. It may not be what is happening with the OP but without knowing them personally we are all just speculating and I think you are just trying to put a different perspective to it.
I have a group of friends, some who I have know for over 20 years , some for more then 30. What we have in common is that we went to high school together. I also had my oldest friend who I had known from the age of 5 and who was also at school with the rest of this group but was never really part of this group when we were at school or since (she has her own friends as well as me). Over the years it became increasingly difficult to try to combine the two socially and so I have maintained the friendships separately with the odd occasion where everyone was there (my wedding and some birthdays for example) and I had always thought my friend was fine with this as she wasn't particularly close to the others and showed no sign of feeling left out. A few months ago though, she blew up at me , totally out of the blue when I declined a very last minute invite from her as I was already going out with one of the group. She made it clear that she wanted no further contact with me and hasn't been in touch since!
I expect that she would view me and my group of friends as toxic but I never had any intention of 'leaving her out' I just never realised that she wanted to be included.

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