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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my friends may be toxic?

100 replies

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 15:35

Sorry I have name changed.

We are a group of 7 friends (from school). I've always felt like the one that didn't matter. Hard to explain really

One had a baby shower and I wasn't invited. One had a NYE party yesterday and again I wasn't invited. One is having a wedding and I'm yet to receive an invitation (everyone else has)

If I had done any of this and excluded one of them it would be made out to be a massive thing. But when I'm the one being left out .., it's fine.

I do get invited to some things though but at this point I rarely ever go because I often leave feeling shit.

I woke up to a group text saying we all need to meet up more etc and I just feel like ... why?! Hmm I'm clearly not an equal to them.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 16:49

I think what I mean is that friend groups can be toxic but if you focus on idividuals rather than the friend group, the individual members of the group may not be toxic and may be good friends once you separate your individual relationships away from the stale group dynamics if that makes sense

Giddyaunt18 · 01/01/2017 16:53

OP they don't sound like they see you in their group. They make you feel lousy. Those are not friends. Focus on the ones that make you feel good, you'll be happier and the topic bunch won't matter anymore. Great time to prune dead wood.Happy new year!

Giddyaunt18 · 01/01/2017 16:53

toxic!

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:00

OP they don't sound like they see you in their group. They make you feel lousy. Those are not friends.

Just because she's not seen as part of "the group" doesn't mean that individuals within the group don't see her as friends.

I know I'm going against the LTBs grain here, but I do think that it is worth not throwing out the baby with the dishwater. It's clear that the OP isn't part of the group, but that doesn't mean she can't stay friends with some idividuals from the group

splendidglenda · 01/01/2017 17:02

Feel for you, Op. Try to do something nice for yourself and focus on building all the positive friendships. Agree with a previous poster re cutting the dead wood Brew

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 17:03

I'd still stay friends with 3 of them. They are lovely people and have never left me out.

The ones that leave me out are the "queen bee" and her closest friends.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/01/2017 17:04

Agree that perhaps you are only part of the group when it's a wider thing, but the other 7 (or maybe a smaller group than that) see themselves as close friends.

If there's anyone you can close to in the group, then arrange something with just them/one or two others, but if there's noone in the group you consider yourself to be close to, perhaps it's a case that you are only friends, because you have known each other for so long, and if you'd met later in life, you'd have drifted apart already.

CoconutGal · 01/01/2017 17:05

Worst thing I ever did was get involved in a group of friends.
Best thing I ever did was keep my circle small & only mix on occasions.
For example, I have 2 friends I work with who I'm close to, I have 1 friend from school who I still see & obviously brothers girlfriend who's a good friend too. I see them individually sometimes, sometimes when I'm hosting a party they'll come together.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:07

Look Tinsel their behaviour is not nice, excluding one person out of the friendship group, obviously they don't see op the same way as she sees them. Life is too short to waste on people who do not value you, I would distance yourself. As one person said, mabey relegate them from good friends to just friend or aquaintance, and occasionally see them at your choosing. If you lower your expectations of them, then it will be easier to accept. Invest more time in your other really good friends and less with these. I would so much as to remove yourself from the whatsapp and let them get on with it.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:08

Than Sid stay friends with those 3 and arrange things with them, and not the rest of them, sod em. Mabey do a new whatsapp with the 3 of them that are really nice.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:09

I'd still stay friends with 3 of them. They are lovely people and have never left me out.

The ones that leave me out are the "queen bee" and her closest friends

Well then maybe you're not being "left out", you're being invited to things by three people who you are friends with, and you're not being invited to things by 4 people you're not friends with, which is reasonable is it not? since it doesn't sound like you like them either.

Take away the "group" idea and there's no problem is there, your 3 friends invite you to stuff and 4 people you don't like much don't invite you to stuff but you sometimes end up at the same things because you have mutual friends (the 3)

There's no need to ditch the whole group, just stop thinking of your friendships in terms of "the group" and see the ones you like and forget about the ones you don't

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:10

Look Tinsel their behaviour is not nice, excluding one person out of the friendship group, obviously they don't see op the same way as she sees them.

The OP does not appear to be close friends with 4 of these people, so why should that 4 invite her to their stuff just because the OP percieves herself as part of a group of 7 when really she's only friends with 3 of them?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:12

Sorry I would ditch the ones who clearly don't see op as a friend and leave her out, why waste time with these. Focus on the nice ones who value you and make you feel good. Just meet up with the 3 of them, and let the rest just fade.

neveradullmoment99 · 01/01/2017 17:12

Maybe its a particular person in the group that doesn't want you there? That would seem to be the only explanation. At times when that other person isnt there, maybe thats when you are invited??
Why can you just say to someone in the group that you are close to that you are a bit confused as to why you are invited to some things and not to others.
Failing all of that, just rid yourself of these friends. They are no good for you and you dont need that in your life.

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 17:13

Tinsel it's hard to explain and without physically showing our entire history you'll just have to accept that it is a group.

OP posts:
Brighteyes27 · 01/01/2017 17:13

Maybe they are jealous of you for whatever reason but whatever the problem don't allow them to make it yours.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:14

Oh yes just read your post Tinsle yes I agree, just focus on the three you like, the dynamic has changed and let the rest fade.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:17

History alone doesn't make a friendship, you have to like each other in the present tense too. You sound like you like the 3 who like you, and you sound like you don't like the 4 who don't invite you but just think they should keep inviting you because of "history"

Over time I tend to filter down friends from groups and end up (over years) only investing in the ones that I have continuted to have a growing friendship with. I don't see the point in having to invite everyone from any group forever more.

brasty · 01/01/2017 17:19

It is wrong to describe these people as toxic. I suspect they have a very different view to you of this group of friends. They probably see themselves as a group of 6 friends. But I suspect maybe 1 person there really likes you, and when they are involved in making plans, always suggests you should be invited.

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 17:20

History alone doesn't make a friendship, you have to like each other in the present tense too. You sound like you like the 3 who like you, and you sound like you don't like the 4 who don't invite you but just think they should keep inviting you because of "history"

It's nothing like that at all.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:21

I agree, you are an aquaintance to 4 of them, that doesn't mean they're being nasty, just that you don't invite all of your aquaintances to everything. When you are invited, it's because your mutual friends (the 3) with these aquaintances have invited you so you all end up there, not because you are a "group", but because you have the same 3 mutual friends.

You're just not friends. That doesn't mean they're mean or toxic or leaving you out.

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 17:21

It is wrong to describe these people as toxic. I suspect they have a very different view to you of this group of friends. They probably see themselves as a group of 6 friends. But I suspect maybe 1 person there really likes you, and when they are involved in making plans, always suggests you should be invited.

It's 100% not this at all. They are definitely not 6 best friends.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:22

(was brasty I was agreeing with)

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 17:24

Please just stop Tinsel because you genuinely don't have a clue what you're talking about at all.

It's my life, these are people I have known (some over 20 years).

You just don't understand and it's getting frustrating now because you're stating things as facts when they aren't.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:24

OP do you LIKE each of the 4 individuals who you feel are leaving you out

Do you want to hang out with each of them individually outside of this group (which clearly is more of a "Thing" to you than it is to them). Would you be trying to keep in touch with them were it not for this "history" thing? Would you like them if say they were a colleague rather than someone form this group that you have history with?