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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends may be toxic?

100 replies

SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 15:35

Sorry I have name changed.

We are a group of 7 friends (from school). I've always felt like the one that didn't matter. Hard to explain really

One had a baby shower and I wasn't invited. One had a NYE party yesterday and again I wasn't invited. One is having a wedding and I'm yet to receive an invitation (everyone else has)

If I had done any of this and excluded one of them it would be made out to be a massive thing. But when I'm the one being left out .., it's fine.

I do get invited to some things though but at this point I rarely ever go because I often leave feeling shit.

I woke up to a group text saying we all need to meet up more etc and I just feel like ... why?! Hmm I'm clearly not an equal to them.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:27

op has said The ones that leave me out are the "queen bee" and her closest friends

So well no, why would op want to keep friends with those who leave her out , they obviously don't like op and are not her friend!

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 17:29

Oh my goodness. I will be ignoring your posts from now on. What you're saying is ridiculous.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:30

Op has said that they ones who are nice and who don't leave her out are the 3, so why the hell should she want the others who are not her friend Tinsel, and who do not seem to like or value her, strange!

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:31

What you're saying is ridiculous

I just asked you if you LIKED them individually Confused, what's ridiculous about that?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:31

Sid just ignore, someone is just not getting it! keep friends with the 3 who you do like, and let the other 4 fade. Common sense really.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:32

Op has said that they ones who are nice and who don't leave her out are the 3, so why the hell should she want the others who are not her friend Tinsel, and who do not seem to like or value her, strange!

well exactly! that's what I said?? Be friends with the ones you like and who like you and let go of this idea of "The group"

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2017 17:35

Tinsel you asked op whether she could see the other 4 indvidually. They are the ones op is not keen on and who leave her out, so why would she want a friendship with the other 4, they don't sound very nice.

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 17:35

Sid just ignore, someone is just not getting it! keep friends with the 3 who you do like, and let the other 4 fade. Common sense really.

Flowers
OP posts:
TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:38

Tinsel you asked op whether she could see the other 4 indvidually. They are the ones op is not keen on and who leave her out, so why would she want a friendship with the other 4, they don't sound very nice.

That was my point/why I was asking the OP if she LIKED them
Why should they be inviting her if they aren't friends?

IMO they don't sound like they've done anything wrong, they're just not friends with the OP
The ones who the OP likes and who likes her are inviting her to stuff, because they're friends
The ones who the OP doesn't like who sound more like acquaintances now (even if they were friends in the past) aren't inviting her to their stuff, and frankly there's nothing wrong with that. The OP doesn't sound like she even likes them (although she hasn't answered that outright) so why be disappointed at not being at their weddings etc?

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 17:39

Sid just ignore, someone is just not getting it! keep friends with the 3 who you do like, and let the other 4 fade. Common sense really.

Umm, that's EXACTLY what I've been saying, even from the start of the thread when all other posters were saying ditch them all.. Hmm

CrossfireHurricane · 01/01/2017 17:50

Well whatever the ins and outs and history or not of this group you do not seem to be at the heart of it and it is probably wise to leave them to it and spend time with people who do include you.

ashtrayheart · 01/01/2017 18:02

Agree with tinsel - we don't need to know your life history to simply ask whether you actually like the people as individuals.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 01/01/2017 18:05

Agree with Tinsel, it sounds like given the choice you'd only really be friends with the 3 that you think include you, and not the "queen bee" and her pals that exclude you anyway - so it was not really truly a "group" of 7 friends in the first place Confused.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 01/01/2017 18:14

Really don't understand how people can come onto a thread where the op is already feeling hurt and got at, and decide an appropriate response is to get at her even more. What on earth is that about?
Op sounds like you've made your decision and I'm sure it's the right one. I can't be doing with the politics of groups myself. Much healthier to be friends with individuals you have a rapport with. Good luck

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 18:16

Who is "having a go" at the OP?

ClarissaDarling · 01/01/2017 18:22

tinsel no one that I can see- keep seeing this more on here, dare to actually say YABU or disagree with majority of posters then you are just as bad as bullies/DP/MIL and so on ad nauseum. I digress- OP be friends with those you want to, don't see those you don't, organise nice things with the 3 you like. It's a New Year, fresh broom and all that.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 01/01/2017 18:23

You are! And all the others who have come in and said basically you may think you are part of this group but you aren't, and otherwise try and undermine her version of events, which sounds perfectly coherent to me.
It isn't very nice. Why do it?

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 18:25

I haven't even said that the OP is BU, just that perhaps she's not really being excluded by "Friends" at all, she's being included by the ones that are her friends, and not being invited to weddings of people who she's aquainted with because of some shared experience 20 years ago, surely that's a comfort compaired to the suggested alternative - i.e. that they are being deliberately mean and excluding her?

AbernathysFringe · 01/01/2017 18:28

How strange to read this post. Group of four friends from uni, I was the first to have a baby and got nothing more than FB congrats, though one has since become a lot closer than the others and has given me a lovely keepsake gift for dds 1st birthay. Now another member of group is pregnant and today a third member has invited me to a surprise baby shower. This third member told me when I had my baby that she'd bought her all sorts of gifts which never materialised. I thought it was weird but wasn't too bothered - all I really expected were cards from people (which I didn't get).
Was speechless for a while, then spoke to her about it since I'm the sort of person who wears their heart on their sleeve but really, what's to gain? Shall just feel hurt, lower expectations and get the pregnant one a gift. Don't think I can go and be all happy at the shower but she lives far away so that won't be obvious.
OP I guess it's like voluntary relationships of all kinds, if they aren't mutually pleasing, either lower your expectations or chuck 'em. You aren't obligated to be made to feel crappy.

CrossfireHurricane · 01/01/2017 18:28

I'm not undermining anyone, just reading a thread where someone is being left out of things and suggesting they move on.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 18:29

I guess I forgot that this is mumsnet, and there can never be a simple explaination such as "maybe you've slipped from friend zone to aquaintances over the years", someone always has to be "toxic" or else have underlying MH issues etc…

… noone ever just drifts apart in MN land…..

CaraAspen · 01/01/2017 18:31

Yep. Drop them. Concentrate on your other nice friends.

Original poster
SidAndNancy · 01/01/2017 18:36

I will do Smile

OP posts:
MirriVan · 01/01/2017 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paddington68 · 01/01/2017 19:28

They don't sound worthy of your time. Bin the bitches.