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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow dd to take a gap year?

90 replies

indiraisindiaisindira · 31/12/2016 18:36

She wants to retry getting into Oxbridge.
She has a conditional from a top 5 uni.
Fees are going up after this year from £4.5k to £9.25k (welsh govt).

The only reason to let her is that the conditional she fancies at the moment is 4 years instead of 3, so she wouldnt be any older moving on from university.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Famalam13 · 31/12/2016 18:38

Don't worry about the fees. It's not like other debt. Is she over 18? In which case surely you can't stop her...

Blankiefan · 31/12/2016 18:40

What would she do on a gap year? Something useful? Something to help her grow? Something good for her cv? How would it be funded - can it be afforded?

I wanted to take a gap year but DParents insisted I'd need something worthwhile arranged and that I wasn't just to doss around. Obviously at 18, that's horribly unfair but at 40 looking back, is very sensible.

wictional · 31/12/2016 18:40

It's her life. plus she might earn money to help with those fees

crazywriter · 31/12/2016 18:40

Student loans won't affect her credit rating so it's not the best reason to stop her.

This is a big decision for her. YABU to stop her especially just on the grounds of the fees. But what is she planning to do with the gap year to help improve her chances of getting into Oxbridge?

Blankiefan · 31/12/2016 18:41

And yes, if she's 18, she can do what she likes but I think there's nothing wrong with a few conditions of your financial support in the next few years.

AuditAngel · 31/12/2016 18:42

I think it depends on how she plans on supporting herself, both during the gap year and through uni. Bank of mum and dad, you get a say.

KimSpears · 31/12/2016 18:43

Lots of big firms do great gap year schemes. Have a google. You get paid a great wage and I know some give travel bursaries too e.g. Deloitte, Rothschild etc. etc.

Marynary · 31/12/2016 18:43

I think it should be her choice, not yours. Whilst you can try to convince her to go now rather than next year as she will be the one paying the fees (via loans) so it shouldn't really be a question of "letting her". I would refuse to pay for a gap year, though. If she wants one she should fund it

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 18:44

If she got into a suitably good uni, she could transfer into Oxbridge in year 2?

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2016 18:46

You can't 'not let' her as she will be an adult. You can tell her that she has to move out or that you won't financially support her through university though. My mum tried to tell me which universities I could and couldn't go to, I just did as I pleased and worked like a bastard to support myself so she had no control over me.

Armadillostoes · 31/12/2016 18:46

YABVU-she will live with the consequences of this decision for longer and more profoundly than your will. Whether you offer financial help to your daughter is up to you, but please don't try to use it as a way to control and infantilise an adult. That is horrible behaviour will not end well for anyone. Don't make your support contingent on her letting you dictate her life choices.

BlueFolly · 31/12/2016 18:47

It's up to her, not you. It's a decision that will affect and shape the rest of her life, and a difference in approx 15k in fees isn't enough to justify basing the decision on.

Grilledaubergines · 31/12/2016 18:48

Don't deter her. Once she starts working full time and in her chosen career, the opportunity to opt out for a year is unlikely to surface.

If I could have my time again, I would change many things and fucking off for a year to do something brilliant would be high up.

5moreminutes · 31/12/2016 18:50

If she's got anything about her at 18 you "not letting her" will be the spur to make her utterly determined.

Do you mean you will threaten to cut her off financially if she doesn't do as you wish? Are you intending to pay her fees up front for some reason such as having actually set aside £18k in a savings account? Or will she be paying her own fees back after graduation like everyone else?

Coughingchildren5 · 31/12/2016 18:53

I am guessing that by "not let" you mean not pay?
Of course you can limit your financial input. Just as she has the right to make these kinds of choices about her life, she has the responsibility to fund them. She is an able bodied adult now.

Original poster
indiraisindiaisindira · 31/12/2016 18:56

Thanks for the replies. Maybe I am being the ogre she's trying to make out!
She's paying for fees after uni like everyone else.

She'd work part of the year as she can get a job in retail. She wants to travel a bit she said.

She'd obviously expect to live at home.

I'm just worried that she'll get rejected again and would've wasted a year. Or won't get the offers she currently has.

OP posts:
Anotherbrokenheart · 31/12/2016 18:58

I think a year working can be a good thing. Makes you want to study harder and just that little more grown up ready to face the challenge.

Oh and with some savings too!

toffee1000 · 31/12/2016 18:58

DailyFail1 It's highly unlikely that you can transfer to Oxbridge for year 2. They have v strict entry guidelines for year 1 anyway- they don't enter into Clearing for example. Plus it would be a major shock to the system- going from a couple of essays a term to potentially two a week. Not to mention that they don't offer as many courses as other unis, like combined honours (although Oxford does offer a few) or may offer a similar course but not exactly the same thing.
Sorry for thread derailing. But yes OP, it is ultimately her decision. Especially if she wants to go to Oxbridge, they will want to see evidence that she has done something useful with her gap year e.g. teaching/working rather than just trekking through Southeast Asia with no real aim.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 31/12/2016 19:01

Is there something that stopped her getting in this year (i.e. poor predicted grades, poor GCSE grades)? If not then tell her not to waste her time, it's really unlikely that she'll get in if she waits a year, and that'll be a year wasted.

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2016 19:02

It's not really wasting a year is it? She's young and is likely to be working until she's in her 70s in this climate so one year in her late teens is unlikely to make a huge difference. Everyone is in such a huge hurry to grow up.

backwardpossom · 31/12/2016 19:02

If she accepts an offer, could she not defer it for a year? YABU. My gap year got me a payrise once I started work - I argued that it had given me experience and my employers agreed...

Stopyourhavering · 31/12/2016 19:04

Is her conditional 4 yr degree at a Scottish uni by any chance.....my dd went to Dundee and she still only paid for 3 yrs anyway as she's a Welsh student

5moreminutes · 31/12/2016 19:05

No need to pay for the gap year - in the good old days when all this was fields and you could actually buy one half penny sweet because there were half pennies ... the few people I knew who took gap years absolutely self financed. Standard form was to work and save for 6 months then backpack on a shoe string, or do a working holiday visa mixing work and travel or aupairing, or do a volunteer TOEFL role where travel and board were paid (though I think those are like hen's teeth now that gap years are so popular).

No reason a gap year can't be a gap from education but in full time work - in which case it can be brilliant for CV and she could actually save up if you let her live at home for free / cheaply. Unpaid but career building internships or UK volunteer roles are another potentially very sensible idea.

Graduated straight from school then uni without much to set them apart and make them interesting are 2 a penny, even from good unis.

DailyFail1 · 31/12/2016 19:09

Toffee- depends on which of the other top 5 unis the dd got into & her course. Kids of My friends have transferred into year 2 to Oxbridge from LSE, Durham, Kings etc.

toasttoasttoast · 31/12/2016 19:09

I did exactly this. Applied to Cambridge, got pooled, then didn't get in. Had offers from St Andrews, Durham, Edinburgh, Bristol - but felt so set on Oxbridge I decided to take a year out and reapply.
I worked, saved money, did relevant work experience and took an extra A Level (paid for using my own money). Reapplied and was rejected - and was rejected from several places I'd been accepted to previously. Ended up with only two offers.
I was gutted. But, honestly, it was the making of me. I learnt so much on my gap year - about being independent and about hard work and about making my own decisions. My parents were quietly and consistently supportive and let me make my mind up. I don't regret any of it at all. It was so hard but worth it. I wish your DC all the luck.

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