Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow dd to take a gap year?

90 replies

indiraisindiaisindira · 31/12/2016 18:36

She wants to retry getting into Oxbridge.
She has a conditional from a top 5 uni.
Fees are going up after this year from £4.5k to £9.25k (welsh govt).

The only reason to let her is that the conditional she fancies at the moment is 4 years instead of 3, so she wouldnt be any older moving on from university.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fartleks · 31/12/2016 20:19

The least studious students and bigger party animals were always the ones straight from school.

A mature student or a student with a gap year tend to be more purposeful in their approach.

A year to grow is great. Let her volunteer in various areas she's interested in. Also work part time. Save. Travel.

Yetanothernewyearusername · 31/12/2016 20:23

I don't think unless you are paying the fees that you get to 'allow' or not allow.

Are you offering to pay the fees? In which case explain to her that you will be funding a fixed amount based on current rates etc.

Fartleks · 31/12/2016 20:23

Anyway as her mother you need to support her what ever she decides. Acceptance is important.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/12/2016 20:24

I regret my gap year and my 4 year degree because I was 2 years "behind" other graduates when I started work. This does matter when you are female and want to get up the corporate ladder before having a family. Appreciate that's not everyone's priority but it's something to bear in mind.

SpicyTomatos · 31/12/2016 20:27

Also, gap years before university are entirely normal so no future employer will pass judgement on them.

If you take them later in life then there will be more judgement. ( I've found that people either admire you for having taken a career break, or resent you for having done it due to jealousy. )

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/12/2016 20:27

Sorry just re read and saw she wouldn't be any older anyway.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 31/12/2016 20:34

Gap years are good for having a recharge from studies and considering what you want to do. To be the league of considering Oxbridge, she can get into a good range of courses anyway. There's a lot of pressure on GCSE and A Level students these days, and going straight into uni can mean a minimum of 7 continuous years of frequent assessment.

I did my gap year between uni and a PGCE. By the third year of my degree, I was running out of steam. The gap year was just continuing my holiday admin job, but gave me chance to consider my path and gave some grounded real life experience. My living costs were subsidised, which allowed my modest salary to repay my overdraft in a year and pay for driving lessons and pass my test which also gave me a better foundation for adult life.

Pushing her into a course straight away could backfire academically.

BendingSpoons · 31/12/2016 20:37

A school friend did this. We were the last year to pay £1k fees. She reapplied to Oxbridge and didn't get in. Obviously you can't force her to do anything but it seems a bad reason for a gap year. I would at least encourage her to accept a place for now so she can change her mind. I think your friend is right, she can't defer a place and reapply.

Boiing · 31/12/2016 20:38

Totally understand your concern OP regarding fees and the unlikelihood of getting into Oxbridge next year unless something is very different with her application. That said, if I had a daughter I would be delighted if she wanted to go at age 19 rather than 18, as being older makes her slightly better able to deal with the various dramas that uni brings - in my case I had a lot of sexual harrassment / pressure to deal with and wish I had been older when I went. Of course travel can also bring such drama! Is it possible to defer the offer she currently holds by speaking to the uni, and also reapply to Oxbridge? No idea if that's possible. Really sucks on the fees but that bit has to be her decision. (And you don't want her moaning for the rest of her life that you stopped her having another chance at Oxbridge.)

bevelino · 31/12/2016 20:38

OP please support your dd in her gap year as plenty of students retry for Oxbridge as well as applying to other universities. If she doesn't get in then it will not be the end of the world, she is still very young and has her whole life ahead of her.

FantasticButtocks · 31/12/2016 20:39

I think at this stage of her life you need to let her grow up and make her own decisions. If she makes a mistake, it's ok. She can then work out what to do.

By her age she needs you to be a sounding board, someone with whom to discuss her options, so that she can then make as informed a decision as possible. She doesn't need you to dictate what she should do.

It's hard but you need to start seeing her as a young adult.

trufflepiggy · 31/12/2016 20:40

I would encourage her to not wait because of the fee issue (people don't understand that they're a massive commitment)

Monkeyface26 · 31/12/2016 20:51

It is a truism though that we regret things we DON'T do in life. What if, on top of always regretting that she didn't try for Oxford, she also blames you for your part in that decision.

Also, what message are you giving her?

  1. We don't really think you're up to it?
  2. don't be ambitious in life, settle for 'good enough'

Even if that is not what you intend, I think that is something a teenager could easily intuit.

puttingthegenieback · 31/12/2016 20:54

DailyFail how is that possible? Oxford doesn't accept transfer students.

TrillKitten · 31/12/2016 21:07

I see why you're worried, but I also think you need to let go a bit. It's her choice to make. Personally I massively regret going to University at that age, I really do consider having gone straight there a massive mistake (so I went back in my early 30s and retrained in something useful!!) But I hugely valued my gap year .. there's no "right" way, and no way to predict the future, so be as supportive as you can while helping her weigh up all the pros and cons.

I'd definitely get out of the "do I let her?" mindset though. If she's applying as a independently funded adult it is really not your place to let her or not.

jamdonut · 31/12/2016 21:25

From the moment my kids started sixth form, I felt it was no longer my place to decide anything for them...They make their choices for their future, not me. All I and DH do is be there for them, offer advice if asked for, but never decide.My job with education was done getting them through GCSEs.
Further/higher education is their choice.

allowlsthinkalot · 31/12/2016 21:31

DH is an Admissions Tutor and he thinks you can hold an offer that is deferred whilst still applying for alternative unis (just as you can look at others in clearing whilst holding your offer of a place).

allowlsthinkalot · 31/12/2016 21:32

And YABU to try to control her choices and the course of her life to this extent. Your role is to support her decisions not to make them for her.

TheTantrumCometh · 31/12/2016 21:42

As someone who is only just starting to break away from the clutches of my mother at nearly thirty, please support her choice. The living at home makes very little difference to you. She would have been home in holidays etc anyway as you said, it makes no difference to the length of time because of the course being longer.

I was never encouraged to do anything for me. Anything that I did do, I was accused of not thinking of my parents. Including not spending my birthday with them (I've never bothered because I can't deal with the fallout), going out for NYE. The list goes on. Of course I could have done those things, but it couldn't bear the guilt trip afterwards so it was always easier not to.

I'm not saying that you're anything like that, I doubt you are, I just think it would be great if you were on board with this.

anotheronebitthedust · 31/12/2016 22:01

I am surprised at a lot of these replies! While I do think gap years can be really useful for lots of reasons, I can 100% see why you are concerned OP, as the reason she has given 'might possibly get onto Oxbridge next year,' isn't as inspiring as 'being more mature,' or 'saving some money.'

Surprised so many people are handwaving the extra fees - yes it's not like an any other debt, but there is a huge difference between approx £100 (presuming she gets a fairly good job) coming out of your wages for ten years, while you are still young, happy to live in houseshares, etc, than for £100 to come out of your wages for the rest of your life, including when you're trying to pay a mortgage, bring up children, etc.

I also disagree that before uni is the only feasible time to take a gap year - I know loads of people who took one straight after uni, also lots of people of varying ages who took time off to travel either between jobs, or as a career break while their job was kept open - more and more companies are offering this. She will also have nearly 4 months holidays each year, both this year after finishing A levels and during each year of uni - adding up to a whole year between them. Again I know lots of people who did all the 'gap year' activities, including travelling, working Camp America or similar (3 months of work and still 1 month left just to chill!), or just working full time to save money for the rest of the year, in these summer breaks.

She doesn't have to make the decision right now does she? I would get her to accept her place and plan a really fulfilling summer, either travelling or working as many hours as she can - basically leave it as late as possible to defer. If she's in the middle of A levels now it's understandable she might want a break from full time education - in September after 4 months off and if she sees all her friends going off to uni she might feel differently.

BIgBagofJelly · 31/12/2016 22:32

Lots of good advice - one thing to consider is whether she had any feedback from Oxbridge (usually sent to school, and they don't automatically pass it on to students). It might be possible to glean from this how "close" her application was to being selected. Every year there'll be some interview candidates who are definitely yes's, some definitely no's and a bunch in the middle who are probably good enough for the course but there won't be enough space to offer all of them places to.

Would she be making any changes to her application (e.g. applying to Oxford rather than Cambridge, different college, different course)?

newYearsEve · 31/12/2016 22:33

I'm all for a gap year if a person is going to travel and see the world, grow and get an idea of what life is really about

However, if a gap year entails of living at home with parents and getting a job in retail, then no. That is not worth delaying Uni and getting into extra debt for in my opinion

However OP you cant force her to change her mind, you can try to gently persuade and let her see the reasons however she may not be interested in your point of view and but she does need to realise that this decision, whilst it is hers to make DOES affect you if she is seemingly expecting to continue living with parents (who have obvs been expecting her to move out) - how do you feel about her living at home for another year, OP?

5moreminutes · 31/12/2016 22:42

If fees are the big issue shouldn't OP be encouraging her DD to go to one of the many European universities she could attend without paying a penny (or cent) in fees (or more realistically in return for a couple of hundred euros per year nominal admin costs) Travel, show initiative, save £18- 27000... Wink

HeCantBeSerious · 31/12/2016 22:43

Fees are going up after this year from £4.5k to £9.25k (welsh govt).

Huh?

Allthewaves · 31/12/2016 22:44

Will her loans be enough to cover fees and live on with much higher costs