To not allow dd to take a gap year?

[indiraisindiaisindira]

She wants to retry getting into Oxbridge.
She has a conditional from a top 5 uni.
Fees are going up after this year from £4.5k to £9.25k (welsh govt).

The only reason to let her is that the conditional she fancies at the moment is 4 years instead of 3, so she wouldnt be any older moving on from university.

AIBU?

Please don't "not let" her

(Clearly she is or will be an adult so you can't actually prevent her, but parents can hold a great deal of sway at that age)

My parents didn't "let" me, and several years on have told me how much they regret that.

I went to Oxford, and the maturity and confidence of the people who had taken gap years was significant. Most of them got more out of university, from what I saw. They were more comfortable in their own skins and - having worked in menial jobs for a part of the year to pay for travelling - were much happier to do the long hours of solo study.

It is much harder to take a gap year after uni - debt, pressure to move on, the difficulty of stepping off a career path once on it.

It really doesn't make two pennies of difference if she leaves uni at 21 22 24 or 44 for that matter. Most people have a few false starts in their twenties which delay things a bit (and a gap year and some life experience might avert some of that). No-one of her age (or mine for that matter) will be retiring before 75 if at all. I don't know about Wales but in South East England graduates who have children before 33 and aren't mega wealthy are rare beasts. I have friends who started their current careers at 26 and are now quite senior. One way or another it all comes out in the wash.

What's she applying for?

And when you say "Top 5" which one - I can only think of top three - Imperial, Cambridge, Oxford, and then Russell Group.

In my experience gap year students generally perform better at univeristy as well - they can focus solely on their studies instead of having to focus on "being an adult", "being away from home" and "being a student" all at once.

But, a gap year with no plans is potentially unwise. She needs plans, and some guidance and a sounding board to make those plans awesome (your job).

But I would also say it does depend on what she is going to study.

My DD finished school in the summer and goes to Uni in February. Her course doesn't start til then so she's sort of had a half gap year.

She has worked full time, taken driving lessons and taking her test next week, she's spent 10 days in America volunteering with a charity, she's had nights out with friends, gone to concerts, sorted all her funding for Uni and basically been left alone by us (me and dp - her stepdad) to just get on and do what she wants.

She has grown up massively. She's planning to travel to Swansea at the end of January to see one of her friends at a different uni for a few days, something she wouldn''t even have contemplated before going to America.

I'd let her get on and do what she wants. A daughter that resents you is not going to work well at uni when she thinks she could be doing something else. A year of working and travelling and having fun is not a waste of time. She will learn independence and budgeting plus have a much needed break from study.

Also - can she defer the offer she has been given. Because, deferring an offer and then reapplying for Oxbridge is safer than refusing all offers and reapplying again - as a PP did.

I wish I'd done a gap year, I know I'm ancient and things have changed, but I think being one year older, more mature with some cash and experience under your belt would massively have enhanced the university experience.

Even if she 'wastes' the year dossing about or doing a dull job for the full year then it might give her incentive to work at uni. Motivation through the whole course is not easy. Anything that helps keeping motivated has got to be a good thing.

mountainpeaks - 'top 5' depends on the subject.

YABVVU.

Please let her make her own decision- she's old enough to know if a gap year is right for her and you need to let her develop her instincts.

I'm just echoing what so many others here have said, but my parents bundled me off to uni too soon... I'd have much preferred a 'gap year' to adjust to being an adult, but they wouldn't let me have one. I had a horrible time with anxiety, depression and a probable eating disorder, despite excelling academically. I just wasn't mature enough yet- another year and I'd have been there.

Friends who had taken a year out- to work or travel- were so much more grounded and worldly. They were much more able to face the adult world, and knew themselves more intimately. They could ask for help when the needed it and had a better sense of where they wanted to be.

Mort - yes, but I am still interested to know which are the other options because say life in London (Imperial) is very different to life in Cambridge and Oxford - living in London is a whole different game of stress to get used to as a student, so there maybe other factors to consider / raise than just the "academic" side - does that make sense?

It has to be her decision OP. Unless you are planning to pay her fees for her, in which case I think you get more of a say.

I say this as an Oxford academic - she's no more likely to get into Oxbridge next year. The chance will remain around 30% or below. You can't know why she didn't get in last time, so there's no way of accurately addressing the issue. And as for transferring into year 2, that's the kind of Oxbridge myth I see on here all the time and it drives me potty. Yes, you could reapply to Oxbridge whilst studying elsewhere, but you'd be starting at the beginning again if you got in. Which would be unlikely - the tutors would find it weird (and you could potentially cause problems for your maximum student finance entitlement, if you became ill and had to defer or something later on).

If your DD does decide on a gap year, she shouldn't turn down the offer she has. She can just defer it, then no need to take any risks.

she's nearly an adult [?] you can't tell her what to do, she needs to make the choices for herself, if she wants a gap year why not ? are you worried she won't want to go back to uni ? depending on her employment prospects, going out and earning a wage might be preferable to her rather than wasting time studying for something she might not use in the future.
[and possibly accruing massive debt to boot that could be hanging over her head for years, i know what i'd rather my dc be doing]

If she can earn money on her gap year, let her go for it. Also ask the top 5 uni. to defer her place (providing she meets the conditions, of course).

I went to Oxford, chasing those dreaming spires. I shouldn't have. I should have paid attention to the course content and gone to another uni.

That said, it's her life and her decision. But her plan is unlikely to work. Oxbridge don't really want people so desperate to go that they'll put their life on hold.

Having chatted to a close friend, she was under the impression that you couldn't defer and hold onto a place and then apply for uni the same time?

If she could that'd put my mind at ease certainly.

I did a gap year - worked and travelled and I loved it. It did me a world of good and it set me up for uni very well. Everyone who'd done gap years was less homesick and much better at getting on with things than most people who had come straight from home.

You can't transfer into Oxford for your second year (of an undergrad course). All you can do is drop out of your original course, losing that year's work (and fees), and start again at Oxford.

uni-of-oxford.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/562/~/can-i-apply-to-transfer-onto-a-course-at-oxford-if-i-am-studying-a-related

I think it's basically the same at Cambridge, so this isn't really a cost- or time-effective strategy for getting into Oxbridge.

OP: I did exactly what your daughter is proposing, and it worked out fine: offer from Oxbridge second time around, and repeated offers from the other universities. It's a risk. My mother was not happy when I turned down my first place, at a good university, one month before the start of term.

Whether this is a good idea or not does largely depend on the reasons for wanting a second shot; I knew I'd made a tit of myself at interview, and getting my actual grades made me a lot more confident the second time around. I'd also led a very sheltered life and really needed that gap year. (Although I don't think it was called a gap year, then: just 'ruining your life and getting a dodgy tattoo').

You need to have a realistic discussion with her about her plans, motivations and choices. For a lot of top students, getting turned down from Oxbridge is a shock. But it's not really a question of 'allowing' her to do anything and, as others have said, taking that tack may provoke her into making a bad decision.

Indira Im not sure - I don't work in admissions - but it did use to be possible.

The other thing I was wondering is what's your DD's personality like - is she liable to hold a grudge against you dissuading her from a gap year and not reapplying? What would she be like if she got to the "Offer" univeristy and didn't enjoy it (and how would you react as well?)?

Sorry for all the questions - just trying to give you some more to think about.

Having chatted to a close friend, she was under the impression that you couldn't defer and hold onto a place and then apply for uni the same time?

AFAIK, that's right. You have to be 'out' of the system before you can begin any new application.

It sounds as if she knows her own mind and is determined, both of which are good things and suggest she would make the most of a gap year. It's her choice and if she's not going to be dossing around you should support it.

If she can defer as pp said then do it.

I don't say this in the hope she then gets into oxbridge - it really isn't the be all and end all, especially in 21st century. I went to Cambridge and wish I had taken a gap year. I would have also loved to go to other uni options and had an extra year for languages etc. So much possibility. If she's bright and focused I'd give her the lead....

Please don't stop her Op, just be supportive of her choices. It's her life, not yours, & whilst she is an adult, no doubt your opinion will hold a lot of sway & if you put her off doing what she wants to, she may well end up resenting you for it, regardless of how things turn out.

Yabvvvu

Dd2 could have paid the 3500 (or there abouts) before they went up to 9000. It was her decision to take her gap year and pay three times the fees and I didn't blame her one bit. She worked and travelled in her gap year and learnt so much about the real world.

Let her decide what to do, it's her life!

YUBVU.

I have a son currently doing a gap year.

Your job as a parent at this stage is to support your DDs choices, not to impose your life plan upon her.

If you force her to go and she drops out after 3 months because her heart is not in it how will you feel OP?

And who will she blame?

I was where you are six months ago ... DS1 made a hash of his mocks then had a crisis and convinced himself he was going to flunk the real thing and need to re-take so when he didn't and got his first choice he was rather wrong footed and opted to defer for a year to get his head together. At the time I thought it was a mistake but now I think he knew best. He's enjoying working in the local pub and plans to do a bit of travelling before heading off for Winchester next September.

They're young adults now - you have to back off a bit and let them work things out themselves!

Gap years are great for all sorts of reasons, so I would positively encourage anyone to take one.

Personally, I'd just tick the defer box on the current decent university, and then start planning the gap year. It is one of the easiest opportunities to have a year out. But then it sounds like she has fallen for the idea that Oxbridge is the only way.

Oh, and you should definitely let her make her own decisions and her own mistakes.

I did this, and got into Oxbridge on my second try. Nobody asked me anything about what I was doing on my gap year during interviews!