-isms.

[dailyshite]

This is a thread inspired by a thread, rather than a TAAT.

Does anyone else think that sometimes, when there are clear 'isms' being displayed on a thread it is a fantastic illustration of what some people have to deal with every single day and an opportunity to raise awareness and challenge some of the misconceptions and poor attitudes which make people's lives so difficult.

When these are deleted, it shuts down the debate and the cycle of ignorance keeps going.

Feel free to ask any questions.

That's the kind of patronising statement that turns me off engaging with certain people on this site, Devilishpyjamas. I'm disabled, and was one of the first to try to explain why the "SN lady" shouldn't have been made to apologise. But multiple times on MN my comments and experiences have been dismissed by mothers of children with SN, who ALWAYS assume I'm able-bodied and that they are the authority on disability. Like you just did, by offering to educate me.

And taking up devilishpyjamas offer to answer questions (or anyone else!):
If someone was talking to themselves and seemed agitated, would you open a conversation with them about what they were talking about if the topic invited it, or would that be likely to upset them more? In this instance, the lady had a carer standing close by.

I often do exchange a few words with strangers (in shops and so on) but honestly didn't know whether in this case it would be a good idea (for her sake).

Please be gentle, remembering that I'm 'well-meaning-but-needing-education'!

I think that's a pretty harsh interpretation of 'feel free to ask any questions' TBH.

If posters have said they worry about asking about disability/SN for fear of offending it's sometimes helpful to make it clear that it's a thread about the issues around disability/SN and not a bun fight about a particular thread/situation.

Fwiw I never assume I am an authority on disabilty. I do assume I'm an authority on living with a child with severe SN. Those two are not the same at all.

Sorry, Richard - cross post. I saw that offer as being made to the wider audience, hence taking it up!

Strawberry

I never ever expect passers by to judge what's right in terms of reacting to my son because what is right for him would not be right for his peers and vice versa.
If you spoke to him he wouldn't like it but how are you to know that? I would appreciate the gesture. As long as you don't ask me to make him shut the fuck up or call him names, I don't really mind. TBH.

Strawberry
Please don't apologise for asking a question. That's jumping the fricking shark

I'I surprised you're happy with the disablism then Richardbucket (if you read my previous post you will see the area in which is was happy to 'educate' and how the offer came about).

Probably not if they had a carer there stawberry - unless they spoke directly to me. I would generally just smile and maintain a relaxed body posture (not always easy to do). We had problems with our (lovely) elderly neighbour who would always talk and get very close and talk directly to ds1 when agitated. Both dh and I were terrified he would get lamped so we'd end up sort of surrounding him and trying to move him away. If I did engage someone I didn't know, or answer them I would stay out of reaching range as far as possible. But a smile is usually enough if you're unsure. I have engaged with unknown people with LD's when they're obviously relaxed and have approached me.

And fwiw my area of expertise is severe learning disabilities/severe autism/non-verbal autism/distressed behaviours in adult sized people. So very like the woman the original thread was about. (And my son lashing out at kids is my horror scenario - brothers aside he's done it once or twice - not with me - and it's been taken very seriously. He usually lashes out at strangers bigger than him )

I wouldn't begin to suggest I knew anything about disability outside that specific area.

Wasn't meant to be, pagwatch. Thanks for the answer!

I nearly left mumsnet recently (discovered i couldn't as I am compelled to post inane shit about Gareth Malone, sandwiches and kittens) not because of the sometimes shitty disabilism that rears its boringly mundane and predictable head, but because the whole battleground of 'this is disabilist/no it isn't, I'm disabled and find it ok/what would you know I'm disabled/I have a disabled child/visible/hidden disabilities etc etfuckingcetera' started to feel so divisive and so in danger of disappearing up it's own fundament that there just didn't seem much of a point.

Hard to present a united front when the hydra's heads are trying to bite chunks out of each other.

But like pagwatch if people get it 'wrong' it doesn't bother me providing they'are not telling him to fuck off (had that), screaming (had that) or staring open mouthed (get that a lot) - anything goes really.

That's really helpful - thanks devilish

Yep Hazey.
Yep.

My main concern about people getting it wrong is that they'll get hurt.

When ds1 was little people who recognised the situation & cane to talk nicely to me always made me cry (in a good way - it was just emotional).

Sorry, I missed the recent comments on here.

I think that Richard and Hazey's comments are really valid, at times discussions have been heated and assumptions have been made but the reality is that everyone is different so all of our experiences and opinions will vary massively. I have been challenged (as I mentioned above) and see that my perceptions and opinions are massively opposed to some other people's but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong and they are right - or vice versa. But surely there are some things which are clearly out of order and it is those things that we can challenge and when that happens I think MN should let the discussion stand. But that's just me