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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Court and everyone all wrong and I am right

126 replies

AtSea1979 · 30/12/2016 06:52

But how?

How is it possible that so many professional can be wrong and merely Joe Bloggs (me) be right? How on earth do I convince a judge that all these experienced professionals are actually wrong?

My DS has been abused my his DF, DF has played a blinder and everyone believes him and the more people who believe him the more other people think they must be right so they believe him and the court bundle grows with more 'evidence' and professionals saying XH is right and DS must have made it up.
Regardless of what I believe, I have tried to stay out of it, I have supported DS (11) but have never asked DS questions or advised him just reassured him that I'm here for him. XH is claiming that I put DS up to it, that I coerced him in to making allegations. Professionals say DS's account of things is inconsistent, in my mind that is more proof that he's being honest, if it was water right I'd be more suspicious that it was rehearsed. So far we have an SW, police, XH friends, CAFCASS and recently a psychologist all beleiving XH. The psychologist didn't even give it a chance, she just read everyone else's report and decide DS must be lying and filed a report saying this. I'm back in court next week and know the judge is going to think this highly paid, experienced psychologist must be right.
How can the justice system be so flawed? Totally lost faith is honesty prevailing Sad

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 30/12/2016 19:33

If a child is claiming the parent is being abusive then what relationship is there to curtail exactly ? Surely a child's word has some value

littledinaco · 30/12/2016 19:33

You really need a good solicitor. You say the reports are biased and there's lies in there - you need a solicitor to present this to the court.
I know it's often easier said than done but I would try and find the money somehow.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 30/12/2016 22:02

There's isn't time to get a solicitor now. I will if there is another hearing but this is listed as final hearing.
Newbrummie yes I had to drag DS in to a car otherwise face arrest, now he's older they will turn up at his school and I don't think DS will stand up to 'authority'. He's very well behaved in school and would be distressed at the thought of saying no to a teacher or SW etc which is why I'm so gutted for him because it took so much for him to come forward and speak out and say no he doesn't want to see him, and no one listened or believed.
fux and toffee you have it right. The court seems to have their agenda of every child must see their parent no matter what and only care about evidence that fits that agenda.
I guess right now I need to protect myself, these professionals have given XH all the ammo he would need to turn this around on to me and try to say I'm abusing him emotionally through coercion etc

OP posts:
steff13 · 30/12/2016 22:13

Do you have evidence of abuse? Doctor's records, etc.?

Newbrummie · 30/12/2016 22:25

At sea - you need a solicitor fast, there is time to get one, if they don't have time to prepare they will tell the judge that and hopefully buy you more time.

If you are in the uk they might threaten to arrest you but they wouldn't have - I was told that by more than one police officer when the shoe was on the other foot and I was trying to get my children returned. The police don't get involved and neither do the schools if your ex turned up they would just call you. You need to stand up to authority and don't let them/him bully you.

Vapours · 30/12/2016 22:32

You can't stand up to them, you have to let them bully you or they take it out on your children.

Newbrummie · 30/12/2016 23:06

Depends who "they" are I guess ... Get SS to do a wishes and feelings report maybe. Forget the abuse, what does the boy want because that does hold weight with the court

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 30/12/2016 23:25

newbrummie thanks for your replies but it must have been a long time ago when you had dealings with them as it's def changed now. SW wishes and feelings report didn't actually report DS wishes and feelings that's the whole point. They are all wrong. How they could get it so wrong has astounded me but they have. When is there time to get a solicitor? Why are you not listening to me either! They will court order the schools involved, they will order the school not to call me, school won't call me, the first I will know is when I pick DS up and he tells me. This is a fact because they have already done it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 30/12/2016 23:27

vapours I really am screwed aren't I, more so DS is screwed too Sad
I guess there's nothing I can do, please can I request a hand hold instead the next few days are going to be hard

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 30/12/2016 23:51

I dealt with them last Easter, I can't believe it's changed since then

Newbrummie · 30/12/2016 23:52

When is the hearing ?

steff13 · 30/12/2016 23:57

Could you ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem for your son?

Newbrummie · 30/12/2016 23:58

That's a good idea. You can't continue on your own

Vapours · 31/12/2016 01:04

Newbrummie and Steff, think OP already has guardian because she mentions cafcass and they too are believing XH.

GilMartin · 31/12/2016 01:30

op I would treat New Brummie's suggestions with extreme caution. I would also suggest you look at her posting history to help you form a more rounded view of her advice on this thread.

Vapours · 31/12/2016 01:42

Atsea, I do apologise, I think in telling my experiences it's made you feel worse. Are you sure you can't get a solicitor because I was of the understanding that everyone who is called to family court is entitled to a free solicitor or is that just for care proceedings? I don't know what's best for you to do. I found the more we fought, the worse it was. But yesterday 09:59, upthread, "IloveCaindingle" did fight back and she won. Yes, I will be here for hand holding and I'm sure others will too.

steff13 · 31/12/2016 01:53

Hmm. Well, in that case, I don't know if it's too late to get an attorney, but I'd do my level best to try to get one first thing Tuesday morning (assuming Monday is a holiday there, like it is here). I'm surprised the judge didn't advise you to get one before now. I'd spend this weekend gathering anything you can to support your son's story; photographs of injuries, medical records, any documentation you have.

Vapours · 31/12/2016 02:24

At sea, Could you ask the court to adjourn to a later date, on the grounds you only just received the final report on Xmas Eve and haven't been given enough time to prepare? That would then give you time to get advice from someone like CAB. Worth a try?

UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas · 31/12/2016 02:43

AtSea not as serious as what your going through but il share my story, my DD's dad was massively abusive towards me. The bastard managed to charm the social worker and get unsupervised access. There was police records of my injuries and a custodial sentence for armed robbery.

She may as well of all our accused me of lying. I wish I'd had the courage to take it further but at the time I was struggling after my sons death and a recent hospitalisation.

A year later he fucked up battered his current partner and the police found drugs in his house. Supervised was stopped. I'm still waiting for an apology.

Sometimes professionals can mess up big time it's fucking shit and I'm sorry for what you and your son are going through.

Not a SS bashing post. DD has had other social involvement due to disability who have all been amazing.

lollypophairball · 31/12/2016 02:53

Get some better evidence.

Although the judge will be asking why you think out of all involved in the case, you are the sole person who knows the truth - I don't like your chances sorry.

You can make it easier for your son by ensuring he knows you're there for him no matter what and you're his rock. Letting him see you flail unsuccessfully against everyone else will just distress him. You need to show him you're calm and you've got this.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 31/12/2016 06:31

I'be just reread the report and its worse than I initially thought. The tone is quite simple now, resist and there will be care proceedings.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/12/2016 06:57

I would treat New Brummie's suggestions with extreme caution. I would also suggest you look at her posting history to help you form a more rounded view of her advice on this thread

I agree

Roodolf · 31/12/2016 07:03

AtSea I absolutely believe you. I still find it hard to talk about my experience on public forums. But it was awful. 4 year old are never believed over an adult. I was so proud of her for telling me though. I'm here for handholding, via PM if that helps.
Poor DS , and you.

lollypophairball · 31/12/2016 08:05

Seeing your last post- I am genuinely concerned that people here, in validating your views unquestioningly, are putting you at risk of managing this situation in a way which may end up with you losing care of your son.

Can you speak with a really, really good psychologist? Please.

0nline · 31/12/2016 08:34

We believe you, except when you post a thread on Mumsnet and then we obviously don't?

That isn't necessarily as helpful as you think it is, to believe without question. My mother created sexual impropriety on my father's part, with me as the object of desire, in the aftermath of him leaving us for another woman.

I had one parent left, that I did not want to lose, or kick while she was down. She was desperately hurt, terrified of an unknown future, knocked for six and wanting pay back. Parental alienation and character assassination became part of said pay back. I was the reliable pawn.

"I believe you", from a Mumsnet-like population to her, no questions asked, would have left me even more painted into a corner.

It was a shitty enough corner to be in as it was. I am not comparing it to being the victim of abuse. But it was no walk in the park and has had a damaging and hard to live with aftermath. Three decades later and I am still lugging the ramifications around with me. I have no doubt I would have been worse of if she had been able to rely on automatic support and acceptance of her word from an audience that was in no way able to make an accurate assessment of her reliability.

I think a better stance would be "I will not automatically assume you must be making it up" and giving people (large and small) a fair shake at being heard, having the evidence examined, with conclusions drawn based on a system that is not infused with a bias to either believe, or disbelieve based on what the accusation is, who is accusing and who is being accused.