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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with MIL

65 replies

Lilymeadow · 29/12/2016 15:45

AIBU for my feelings of apprehension? Baby isn't here yet and MIL is already talking about taking it away on holidays abroad etc, and i haven't said anything but i don't feel comfortable with that idea just yet.
Also I want to at least try to breastfeed and when I've been asked by MIL and SIL they pull a face or don't say much about it. If the baby takes to Breastfeeding great, if not then that's fine too, but I get the feeling (though the haven't said in so many words) that they would prefer bottle feeding from the get go so that they can do it.
I don't know if its just the hormones but I'm worried that too many family members are going to try to take over.
I've spoken to DH about some of it and hes agreed that it is our baby and we will do things our way, but i'm worried that some of them aren't going to respect that or get annoyed if I don't let them do what they want.

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 29/12/2016 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lilymeadow · 29/12/2016 15:48

relationship is very good with them all, but a lot of the ILs are big personalities and i'm more quiet and go with the flow. I hate rocking the boat.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2016 15:51

Your baby, your rules. Don't let them take the baby off you, no snatching, no overriding your wishes. Start practising this now whenever they say or do anything you don't agree with and ensure your DH is backing you up.

NavyandWhite · 29/12/2016 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niloufes · 29/12/2016 15:51

Keep them sweet for now because you will need a rest and willing volunteers are always a blessing. But if you want to breast feed don't let them persuade you otherwise, but like i said before keep them happy and just nod and smile for now until the baby is here and then see what you want to do.

NavyandWhite · 29/12/2016 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmeliaJack · 29/12/2016 15:52

Your baby, you get to set the boundaries.

My PILs would have preferred me not to breast feed my twins. my decision was based on the babies' and my well being not on their preferences.

My PILs would have loved to take my children off for week long holidays. We aren't comfortable with that so it won't ever happen.

My PILs are lovely btw and we get on well but DH and I are quite definitely in charge.

My advice would be to set boundaries early. Be polite and smiley but be firm.

You have to negotiate boundaries with your DH/DP. You don't have to negotiate anything with anyone else.

Remember that the power lies with you. You just have to take it.

Original poster

Lilymeadow · 29/12/2016 15:57

Thanks everyone, the reassurance is what i needed to hear

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2016 15:58

Even if you bottlefeed, the rule in our family was it was done by the parents until they were ready to let others do it. There is something so special in feeding a baby by whatever method, especially when new, it's good to be just the parents to start with.

And no-one ever took offence (rightly)

It can be the same for you.

diddl · 29/12/2016 16:04

" MIL is already talking about taking it away on holidays abroad etc, "

Well she can talk all she wants, it doesn't mean that any of what she says ever has to happen.

How often did her MIL take her kids away when it wasn't wanted?

tooclosetocall · 29/12/2016 16:06

YANBU. I had similar with my in laws when I was pregnant. They can advise and comment until the cows come home but it's not their baby. You will need to toughen up a lot because having a new baby can bring out the unwanted opinions and attention from relatives and friends (I had everything from 'you must do this' to phone calls about nappy and name suggestions and sleep routines ). My advice would be to start as you wish to continue or they will walk over you. Your DH is onboard and that's all the better for you. Don't talk to MIL and SIL about every baby thought you have. It's for you and your DH only. Your baby raised your way.

Fireandflames666 · 29/12/2016 16:10

Just tell them no. It's your baby and if they sulk that's their problem.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 29/12/2016 16:12

Why are you apprehensive?

This will be your baby - if you don't want something to happen, it won't. If you do, it will. They can say what they want and screw their noses up as much as they like but it's literally got nothing to do with them.

ineedwine99 · 29/12/2016 16:16

If it helps, i bottle feed my baby and my midwife on day 2 said only myself and my husband should do the feeds for the first 6 weeks to help with bonding.

DinosaursRoar · 29/12/2016 16:19

Are you worried because you are a 'go with the flow' person and don't like to stand up to people, but are aware you are going to have to in order to parent the way you want? Hopefully your ILs will respect your decisions, if not, you ahve to prepare yourself for having arguements/upsetting people - because the alternative is very bad for your family, ie you being bullied into doing things their way that doesn't seem 'right' to you. You need to be happy with your choices about how you raise your DC, not wishing you did things differently but have been gone along with things that don't feel 'right' in order to avoid rocking the boat.

You and your DC's welbeing needs ot be the priority, but your MIL and SIL might surprise you and be happy to be told 'no thank you'.

Millymollymanatee · 29/12/2016 16:20

For some reason everyone and their dog thinks they know better than you do, about what's best for your baby. Not just in laws but random people you meet in the street.

It made me even more determined to do things my way. I wanted to BF so I did, for nearly a year. This was despite tuttings and shaking of heads. DH was very supportive. I think once you have your baby instinct takes over and you will find the strength to politely ignore anything that doesn't fir in with your way of doing things. Good luck with everything.

SecondsLeft · 29/12/2016 16:31

Tell DH in no uncertain terms that he is to reinforce the message.

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 16:36

Your child your rules if your relationship is generally good then they will accept it.Alot of women of that generation found BF disgusting including my own DM who was shocked that I chose to BF my PFB.
It's down to both of you what goes,great to see that you're fully supported by your DH

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 29/12/2016 16:37

Is this your first baby?

I think its a good idea to get everyone on board with the idea of the fourth trimester. The idea that in the first three months, the only thing thats really changed is that the baby is on the outside if your body. Otherwise its with you, feeding and sleeping when necessary with no real routines yet, and not separated from you. That is the easiest way to really establish breast feeding. Anything else (separations, expressing etc) seems to scupper breast feeding.

If you and your partner are prepared for that and commit to it as a plan, it is a simple way of keeping everyone at a sensible distance for the early days and giving bfing the best chance.

If you do this you can still prepare baby or developing routines. Just use a curfew around 8pm-8am, and nurse baby in quiet with lights out, using cuddles and low stimulus ways of settling i.e. Not singing! between these hours. As soon as baby's stomach is big enough to take a whole nights feed in one go, they'll sleep through having learned the difference between day and night from day 1. Just know that it takes 3-4 months for their tummies to be big enough.

Notagainmun · 29/12/2016 16:40

Try not to worry and let it cast a shadow over your pregancy. I had this with my MIL and SIL but my well hidden tigress emerged when I saw my baby for the first time. I took no nonsense off them and DH and I were the only ones to give my DC a bottle until they were three months old. They still had plenty of cuddles.

bloodyteenagers · 29/12/2016 16:40

You don't have to be a people pleaser. It's good to please yourself otherwise you take the risk that you will be walked over all your life. Maybe have a look at some assertive
Classes.

As for feeding. Up to you. Going abroad, well this can only happen if both you and dh apply for a child's passport so she can
Talk as much as she wants.

However, no amount of people telling you to just say no won't help if you will just back down because you like to please others.

Please don't take it as criticism. I used to be a people pleaser. Looking back it's insane the things I agreed to go along with. But one day I just decided enough was enough and to hell with the reactions of others. I am far more happier now.

Welshmaenad · 29/12/2016 16:42

Nanny0gg we had the same rule re feeding, DD was a NICU baby and mix fed as I struggled with my milk supply (PCOS), and needed slow and watchful bottle feeding as she had reflux.

MIL was definitely not ok with it.

I didn't really care.

SunshineGirl2016 · 29/12/2016 16:44

I went through something similar with ILs planning all sorts of stuff before DS arrived which I wasn't keen on. Ignore it all. Once DS was actually here, my ILs have realised how hard it is to look after a little one. They had to put up with poor DS teething over Christmas - handed him over to me pdq! Funnily enough, all suggestions they made before of looking after DS every few weeks have now disappeared....

ChasedByBees · 29/12/2016 16:45

There is no way my child would go on an overseas holiday without me and they're 5!

MrsDustyBusty · 29/12/2016 16:46

First of all, the worst attitude you can have us the your baby, your rules one. If you start down that kind of road, you'll cause yourself no end of trouble. There's usually no need for belligerence and that doesn't sound like your style.

The thing is, you haven't had the baby yet and nothing has really happened. It's natural to be apprehensive and become worried about things that may happen. In the end though, it's far less difficult than you imagine. The thing is, even if they wanted to take over, it's not possible.

It's alright for others to be excited about the baby and imagine what may happen. They will be part of the baby's family too, and you'll be glad of them at some point.

Most of all, take it easy and try not to worry about what you imagine may happen. It will almost certainly be different to what you imagine anyway.

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