AIBU with MIL

[Lilymeadow]

AIBU for my feelings of apprehension? Baby isn't here yet and MIL is already talking about taking it away on holidays abroad etc, and i haven't said anything but i don't feel comfortable with that idea just yet.
Also I want to at least try to breastfeed and when I've been asked by MIL and SIL they pull a face or don't say much about it. If the baby takes to Breastfeeding great, if not then that's fine too, but I get the feeling (though the haven't said in so many words) that they would prefer bottle feeding from the get go so that they can do it.
I don't know if its just the hormones but I'm worried that too many family members are going to try to take over.
I've spoken to DH about some of it and hes agreed that it is our baby and we will do things our way, but i'm worried that some of them aren't going to respect that or get annoyed if I don't let them do what they want.

"The HV said just me and dh bottle feeding for the first 6 weeks" is a good line -then see how you feel. Ditto the foreign holidays. Just smile vaguely. Nobody's going to seriously suggest it for years anyway- see how you feel when the time comes.

With the feeding I think you need to develop a thick skin generally. Many people will comment, some are helpful, others think it's their way or else, then a whole bunch of others who put their foot in it. Avoid getting into discussions, smile and change subject.

Hopefully they're just excited with the overnight stays, or they think they're being helpful. Did your mil use her mother and inlaws for regular overnight childcare? Again I wouldn't make a thing about it now, some generic response about I'm sure the baby would love xx when they are old enough.

Silly examples. If they are excitingly making plans to take the baby to Alaska at 3 months, counter it with once she is walking I'm sure she will love to go to the park with Grannie. If they are making plans for you to drop the baby round for 4 nights at 4 days old, then say Oh I'm sure I'll need a break for the hairdresser at some point.

They may be well intentioned and it's how they were raised, over excited, or control freaks trying to be parents again. In all cases it's ok to say no.

Try not to worry about it now, grandparents especially get over excited but the reality post baby isn't usually the same as the pre-baby talk.

Talk to your DP/DH about what you'd like to do - 4th trimester, BF/FF/mix etc, so you're both on the same page. A united front is key if his mum does start making lots of unwelcome comments. However, I got really good at saying 'thanks, I'll bear that in mind' despite knowing I'd do no such thing.

With our first, MIL found it really hard because she was unable to BF her children and despite a rocky start to BFing, I fed DD for 18mo. MIL often wanted to give her a bottle (which DD wouldn't take anyway, from anyone, she had a sippy cup from 9mo at the childminders!). MIL also wanted to swaddle DD and carry her around, and DD just hated being swaddled or put in the (wonderful and well researched) sling I'd bought. DH and I were on the same page so it was easy for him to step in with his mum without me prompting too much.

Going forward it was all over excitement. MIL still says silly things about the children but she loves them dearly. I'm way less hormonal now the children are older so I can take things she says in a non-critical way and see the often loving intention behind them. DD loves her grandparents, they have in the past had her for holidays (in the UK) and she's well looked after (if over indulged!). If your PIL are really okay, it will be possible to see it for how it's intended but this can be difficult when you're in the baby (and hormonal) stages.

Go ott with your replies to mil - so if she wants to take dc on holiday say fine - howabout August 2039. I should be just about ready to let them out of my sight by the time they are 23. That way you have said yes but you're not committing to your dc going away before you are ready. If mil says you're being ridiculous, you can just counter that it's less ridiculous than her planning to rip your baby away from you before it's been born.

Also maybe she wants you to bf because she did and she wants to think that she did things the best way possible - you saying it's better to bf might feel like a slap in the face to her saying she was wrong and she won't like that.

The trick is to find out why she ff - chances are it was what was recommended at the time. So turn it back on her - you followed advice on what was best practice to feed your dc when they were babies and yet when I want to do exactly the same thing - follow current best practice and bf my child - you are haranguing me not to. I can't understand why - I thought you would love your grandchild and want the best for them, just like you did for your own child...

A little passive agressive maybe for the latter bit (only to be used if needed!) but useful if you're feeling really hacked off with mil to have something you can say that will hit where it hurts - accusing her of not loving her gc. And besides, you've started off by sayibg you want to do the same thing - follow current best advice just like she did - it's a good thing that the advice continues to evolve. If you have more dc chances are that advice will have changed by then let alobe by the time your gc come along. I bet given the choice she would have a medical treatment from now vs 30 years ago!

My MIL was similar except we're not very close. I just made lots of non-committal comments about how we would parent when asked. I think she was disappointed I breastfed. She used to offer at least 5 times per visit that if I ever wanted her to babysit, so I could pop out for a few hours, then she'd be happy to. To me the effort of expressing for that one trip just wouldn't be worth it (I don't get much when I express) and I just didn't want to leave my new baby for a few hours! She has calmed down massively after turning up at the hospital when she had been told not to as she's realised that my dh and I will do things how we want to. Maybe yours will calm down after the baby has been around for a couple of months.

For the ones who asked about different cultures, no we're both from same cultural backgrounds. It was mentioned i think because FIL is a senior accountant for a big firm and has been promoted but may be required to spend 3 - 6 months of the year in the overseas offices in Europe to advise.

But it's nice to know I'm not the only one to have gone through this.

I would add that even with my lovely PIL, our relationship is now different post children. We have had to stand our ground on things, not in a nasty way but just in a firm way. It is hard to do this but being consistent has meant they know DH and I do it our way, as adults, parenting our own children.

MIL wanted to have our oldest DD for 5 days in the school holidays. They've done so before but it just didn't suit us this year. It was a really hard conversation for DH to have with his mum (twice, as she tried again to persuade us!). They are nice people and love DD, however it's still quite hard finding your feet in the new relationship with your parents, as a grown-up with children. Your priorities change and your parents kind of move down in your hierarchy when you have your own family.

Expect it to be hard at times even with the nice, over-excited, variety of grandparents. Hopefully you don't actually have the crazy variety of PILs!

My PILS tried to be very controlling and it started when I was pregnant. I was a bit shocked but just laughed at their stupid comments. When baby came MIL absolutely did not respect my boundaries and sat right next to me telling me my latch was wrong etc etc. She also accused me of having PND because I didn't leave the house. I had a complex forceps birth and was dually incontinent for six months! I have never and will never forgive her for her behaviour (much more than these few examples). She prevented my DH from bonding, and drove a wedge between us which is I think what she wanted. You need to speak to your DH and get him to tell her to back off. You should t have to deal with any MIL drama. Nip it in the bud now is my advice. We ended up moving abroad because the PILS could not give up their controlling ways. I'm sure your MIL isn't as extreme!

They are excited at the moment.
Arm yourself with a little book called "Breast is best " as it will give you confidence. I would remove yourself from their presence Italy while feeding as it gives you privacy, baby won't be distracted and MIL can't tell you your not doing it properly, baby isn't getting enough etc. and undermine your confidence. Don't let them tell you that you should "top up with a bottle" as that is the worst advice. Little and often and your milk will be enough and it will stimulate the flow and amount. I wish I had read that book with my first!
If they mention taking baby abroad just laugh and say " Oh I don't know about that. Baby hasn't even arrived yet and your planning to take it away. " repeat whenever necessary.
I had to insist that MIL didn't give mine a dummy! FIL was awful with sweets as they grew older and then they went wild because they had a sugar rush. It was awkward at their house but in our house it was our rules.
Don't take her looking for prams either although my DM insisted we get the best pram and I was looking at cheaper ones. I ended up with the best and DF bought and paid for it( he may have choked a little ) but I would advise chosing it and putting a deposit on so if MIL says then it is already decided. Good luck.

Do people genuinely want to take other peoples babies and toddlers on holiday abroad? I think grandparents forget how much hard work it is. My pil babysat my toddler for a day and were exhausted.

Seriously though, Taking baby abroad is ridiculous, taking baby for a walk to the park or watching them for a couple of hours is not. Don't burn your bridges as you might be glad of the help. It's very difficult having zero family support locally. Just stand your ground if you feel they aren't being supportive of your parenting decisions. And make sure DH is on the same page. It's a very emotional time having a new baby and someone pushing for bottles etc when you are struggling with bf can push you over the edge.

Be careful about how much you share information/thoughts/opinions other than between you & DH.

The more you share, the more that people will feel they can give their views. Often people with children see themselves as the experts and want to pass on all their wisdom to you.

Of course all they were expert in was their own children!

As a new parent you need to learn to listen to all the advice/opinions, nod and smile and pick it through afterwards with your DH. Sometimes there will actually be some useful advice!

All the best for the coming times!

lily, you need to tell them straight that its your baby your MIL had her chance and your SIL can have a baby of her own if she wants to feed one that badly. its up to you not them you are the mother. x

OP For the vast majority of grandparents it's just excitement and forgetting the reality of a baby (only a small number go batshit crazy).

My mum asked quite a few times when I was pregnant when would she be able to take the baby on holiday? For the most part I just gave noncommittal answers but once said "when they're 10" to which she was horrified at as 'she'll be too old then'.

Well tough, my child will go away without me when we're both happy about it. Now baby is here there has been no mention of trips away or overnight stays, I think she's remembered what the reality of a baby is and that they're tiny for ages (and therefore a holiday would be the least enjoyable activity at this age)

My MILmade comments on breastfeeding and said things about how baby will NEED formula in a few weeks (when she was 6 weeks old) as she'll be more activity and won't be getting enough. I just ignored politely. It stuck with my boyfriend though and he asked me how will we know the baby needs a bottle?
I just told him she won't, she gets everything she needs from me and will be fine.

I don't think MIL was being horrible or anti-breastfeeding as from other conversations I worked out that was the advice she'd been given with her babies as it was in the era of formula being heavily advertised as better for baby's than breast.

Just let the things you don't like wash over you and stand up for the important stuff. And if anyone tries to take baby out of your arms when you haven't offered them a cuddle, just say give me 5 mins and s/he's all yours and jabs over when your ready

They are excited, which is good. You now need to be an adult parent and channel that excitement into something positive.
Re breastfeeding - comments are about their needs not babies. Do not let them undermine you. This bit will be unpopular.....very, very few women cannot breastfeed given the right attitude. Fair enough if your having chemo, are HIV positive or have had implants but determination and persistence for first five or six weeks will result in much easier life after that. No bottles, no worrying about temperature, no costs, no concern re sterility etc. Don't let them dissuade you.
Try and find positive ways they can be involved on your terms by finding things for them to help with. Do they knit or sew? Can they decorate the nursery? I think grandparents often realise they weren't perfect parents and almost want to do better with grandchildren.

My MIL has a large personality. When she met the baby, she snatched him and wouldn't give him back for a while, left saying 'Thanks for the child' and said to him 'When you decide you hate your mum, you can come and live with me.'
She probably thought it was funny.
Breastfeeding was a godsend. I'd go upstairs for a bit of peace from them. And those first feeds can be long...
Mentally, I needed that break.