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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with MIL

65 replies

Lilymeadow · 29/12/2016 15:45

AIBU for my feelings of apprehension? Baby isn't here yet and MIL is already talking about taking it away on holidays abroad etc, and i haven't said anything but i don't feel comfortable with that idea just yet.
Also I want to at least try to breastfeed and when I've been asked by MIL and SIL they pull a face or don't say much about it. If the baby takes to Breastfeeding great, if not then that's fine too, but I get the feeling (though the haven't said in so many words) that they would prefer bottle feeding from the get go so that they can do it.
I don't know if its just the hormones but I'm worried that too many family members are going to try to take over.
I've spoken to DH about some of it and hes agreed that it is our baby and we will do things our way, but i'm worried that some of them aren't going to respect that or get annoyed if I don't let them do what they want.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 29/12/2016 16:48

Oh, ignore them. It doesn't matter a jot what they might think or want to do.

Alpies · 29/12/2016 16:50

Have a discussion with your OH about what kind of parents you want to be and how you want to bring up your kids.

I wish someone had given me some advice Pre baby to prepare and manage OH. The problem you see, if you don't manage OH he won't manage MIL. So you could end up with a situation like mine where my MIL called me and said she'd rather if I wasn't there when she comes and made a lot of drama about my breastfeeding. After a lot of little jibes, comments, downright rudeness, we ended having an argument and it's makes for a lot of uncomfortable situations/

So my advice is to talk to OH.

Make him understand that the first 3 months is the 4th trimester.
It's your baby that you have been carrying for 9 months and Everyone need to respect your right to bond.

Things to take note and make sure OH understand is not acceptable:

taking the baby away from you without asking.
taking the baby off your boobs is an absolute no no.
unless your ILs are going to be helpful i.e. Bring food or help around the house then they are merely guests and guests shouldn't overstay their welcome in the first Few months. You are not there to cater for their visit and cook for them. Restrict visits to an hr or so but make sure OH tells them not to upset u or make demands of you.
make it clear that babies are not commodities to be passed around for other people's entertainment.

You are going to need to be strong and make sure you don't dilly dally around and tell OH straight up! Men are pretty clueless and need it black and white.

Good luck! I hope you have a better relationship with your ILs than I have xxx

clippityclop · 29/12/2016 16:51

Wise words here, especially from Birthday. It's bugger all to do with them, how dare they. Can I ask are you from a different nationality to your husband? Smile and do as you like.

Patienceisvirtuous · 29/12/2016 16:51

I've had exactly the same noises from my Mil (but maybe more extreme than yours). It did ramp up my anxiety but I've decided to nod and smile while thinking I'll pick my battles as and when I need to when baby is here.

DJBaggySmalls · 29/12/2016 17:08

I think its a shame that people dont realise they need to handle new mums with kid gloves, and back off instead of diving in like that.
She could be such a support if she only asked what you need instead. I'd say something along the lines of how you have new mum nerves, and any suggestion of taking the baby away makes you feel nervous.
See how she reacts to that. Its at least giving her a choice to be supportive or not.

Atenco · 29/12/2016 17:12

No need to be aggressive with anyone, these people will be your baby's family, but for the first few months be prepared to have the whole world arguing with your choices. If you breastfeed, you should bottle-feed, if you bottle-feed, you should breastfeed, there is no pleasing really when you are a first time mother, so be prepared and try to laugh it off, but stick to your guns.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 29/12/2016 17:12

I posted about 7 months ago about mil wanting to have DD to stop overnight and how anxious if made me when she constantly she asked. She even told her other DGC that they couldn't sleep over until DD had .

DD is 9 months old now and she mentioned her sleeping over last week and I just said "No." That was it, no excuses. If she'd have asked why I'd have told her that I don't want her sleeping out and that's that.

It's very easy for me to say this now, but it made me very anxious at the time. I'll try and find the thread.

Yanbu.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 29/12/2016 17:14

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2687855-AIBU-to-not-let-MIL

Found it-DD was 4 months old not 9 months.

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 29/12/2016 17:22

My MiL is very similar. Breastfeeding was very painful initially, but I think I persevered mainly because MIL kept on (and still go on) about how it's better to give formula, and then she could give a bottle too. Breastfeeding is easy now and I enjoy it. I also don't want to be leaving my baby with other people (he's 5months) so it doesn't happen.

Katkin14 · 29/12/2016 17:24

You may be non-confrontational now, but wait until you have your baby. You will be so intent on wanting the best for your baby you'll be taking on all comers. Your in-laws will soon learn.

coconutpie · 29/12/2016 17:59

MIL can dream all she want but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen. Tell them that this is YOUR baby so YOU, not them, decide how baby is fed and your baby will not be going on holidays with them. Invest in a sling.

Whatsername17 · 29/12/2016 18:16

I do think grandparents just get carried away. I'm expecting dc2 and mil is no where near as bad as she was with dd. With dd I got 'I need to be the favourite grandma', 'I want you to leave dd with me so I can do what I feel is best' blah blah. I just said no, politely but firmly. I agree with the pp who did that you need to get dh on board. My own dh did not realise just how much life changed overnight and tried to carry on as normal. We went to his grandads birthday party when dd was one day old. Mil immediately wanted to show dd off and I handed her over trying to be 'cool' about it. I looked up and mils nephew's girlfriend, whom I'd never met, was holding my baby and I felt like I'd been punched. I kept suggesting to dh that we go home and he couldn't see the rush. In hindsight, we both look back on those early days and wonder wtf we were doing. This time around dh has told his parents that we will have visitors to the hospital but when we come home they need to give us a few days. I never asked him to - he has learned from experience and I'm grateful for it.

Atenco · 29/12/2016 18:37

Oh and OP, apply lanolin to your nipples for the last month of your pregnancy and that will make breastfeeding a lot easier for you.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 29/12/2016 18:37

My mil was totally anti-breast-feeding. Right from the start she said I should formula feed whereas I was keen to try bf and my mum was totally supportive either way.

I struggled through tricky latch (tongue-tie), reflux and mastitis to go on to successfully bf for a year with dc1 - much to mil's disgust (I think knowing how much she disapproved got me through the hard times!)

Your baby, your rules. If you do end uo bottle feeding make sure you put your own spin on it, if mil says anything like I told you so tell her in no uncertain terms why it is best for YOU not her!

ollieplimsoles · 29/12/2016 18:40

I was like you op, mil was a nightmare but I brushed it all aside usually...until I had dd.

Since she came along I have been so much better at standing up for myself, having a baby and going through all that just stops you taking shit for some reason.

It does make you anxious now, but remember the default response: Take your baby, and go upstairs.

I used that one so, sooo many times. I even took her off people without a word and just left the room. Its wonderful to remove yourself.

HomeIsWhereTheGinisNow · 29/12/2016 18:44

Lots of very aggressive posts here IMO - OP, they're just excited. Of course you don't have to let anyone do anything you don't want them to, but don't let it worry you before it happens. I was the same before my DS was born but looking back, my MILs enthusiasm was all positive, pregnancy hormones make you a bit territorial I think!

DailyFail1 · 29/12/2016 18:51

I think there's this excitement about a baby before it's born that doesn't quite match up to the reality when it's here. In other words they are chatting rubbish. As soon as baby is crying and puking and pooing everywhere nobody will want to take them anywhere alone.

TeamAlphaFemale · 29/12/2016 19:54

I had Similar with my MIL. She pulled all kinds of shit - but you will not know exactly how strong a woman you can be until you become a mother. I BF until 1 year and I know it pained her immensely. It was tough shit - I loved it, DS loved it and I'm so glad I did it.

I had a very good relationship with her pre DS, now I have less of a good one. Her initial over bearing excitement wore off when she realised I would not ferry him to her at her say so, drop our plans and let him be her doll. Her bark is worse than her bite and hopefully you will find the same.

When I was pregnant I found it very hard to accept how over the top and tbh, how selfish she came across. Now I just deal with it and it's been no where near as bad as I thought. Pregnancy hormones make you a bit more of a lioness than you'd usually be I think.

If your DH is supporting you then you have nothing to worry about but you are not BU feeling this way.

NavyandWhite · 29/12/2016 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 20:02

Your baby my love, you rules. Be clear, be polite and be smiley but be firm!

If you want to breast-feed, you breastfeed!
Keep feeds to the two of you the first few months is that's what you want!
If a friends looking particularly worn out, I would offer to give them a bottle but if I was refused would never take offence. Doesn't mean they can't have plenty of cuddles!

Make sure DP knows that whatever you say, he is to back you up. Or if its something big, do the default well we'll discuss it later and get back to you!

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 20:02

Your baby my love, you rules. Be clear, be polite and be smiley but be firm!

Make sure DP knows that whatever you say, he is to back you up. Or if its something big, do the default well we'll discuss it later and get back to you!

TheMrsD · 29/12/2016 20:13

I had exactly the same thing said to me. I completely understand how you feel. I've got three now.. DS, DD, DS.. good luck to her if she wants to take them on holiday!!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/12/2016 20:14

Hi OP, I just wondered if you are from a different culture.
It just seems strange for your MIL, to want to take your baby abroad.
If you can breast feed, I'd reccomend it.

Mamatallica · 29/12/2016 20:20

I'd advise standing up for yourself now and being very firm. I wish you the very best of luck. My MIL is making my life hell and I fantasise about moving house or leaving the country just to get away from her. I always thought my DH was harsh with her and I tried to defend her until I got pregnant and now we have the baby I see how mental she really is and I'm scared.

sunshinemeg · 29/12/2016 20:23

I was very set that only myself and DH would bottle feed our baby. I still wanted that bonding even though breastfeeding hadn't worked for us. She was first fed by another when she was about 5 months old. Only infrequently now.

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