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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think completely blanking someone is not normal behaviour??

98 replies

BoBo16 · 28/12/2016 11:20

Scenario - me, DH and dog in the kitchen.

I say "do you want a wee?" To dog. DH then says to dog "go on, out for a wee". Proof he can hear me, right?

I open back door and say "wow have you seen how frosty the grass is??". DH stood almost next to me, says nothing. I repeat "have you seen how frosty it is out here?". Again, nothing. I look at him and say "you ignoring me?" He looks at me but continues washing up. I go into living room, came back in kitchen, give him the benefit of the doubt and say "have you seen the frost outside? Just have a look out of the window ... ". Again, nothing.

I playfully dig him in the ribs and joke "hey! Why are you ignoring me??" (Assuming of course that he's doing it for a joke) and he snaps "WHAT? All I can hear is the kettle going and you rattling on! I can't even hear what you're saying!". 😲 So I little taken aback I say "well why didn't you say you couldn't hear me instead of having me repeat something four times and just ignore me!" So he says "because I didn't know if you was talking to me or the dog or what!".

??? So much bullshit, I talk to the dog yeah but I don't repeat things over and over if the fucking thing doesn't respond!! I'd even said to him directly "are you ignoring me?" And he ignored that!!

I even approached him jokingly in the end about being ignored and got my head bit off!

He does have a habit of just ignoring me when he can't be arsed to talk but not normally to that extent!

AIBU to be upset and to think it isn't normal behaviour? I suppose I'm more upset because it's the first (and only!) day I've had off work since Christmas Eve - I've been looking forward to it but now I kind of feel like he doesn't want me around

OP posts:

ChuckSnowballs · 28/12/2016 14:06

Some people lose their hearing in such a way that they lose the higher or lower frequencies first. So they might hear women and children's voices well, but not men's lower voices, and vice versa

Oh come on. This man is so obviously being an arsehole.

OP - I suggest that the main thing you look at next year is ditching this complete waste of space and start spending time with people who don't tune you out.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 28/12/2016 14:41

He's being an arse. Years ago I had a very controlling 'friend' who would stop me mid-sentence in a group of people having a nice chat and talk over me as if I weren't speaking. Once or twice she went as far as suddenly declaring, "yeah, bored now" and start discussing something else. She was just that rude so yes, I do believe your man is simply being ignorant. To think I actually put up with it for years.

If you don't want to LTB, at least do the same back. Show him how fucking rude it is. Walk out of the room as he's talking, preferably mid sentence and a discussion that he's being serious or is very interested about. Don't answer your phone and then give a really crappy excuse as to why you didn't answer such as, I was busy petting the dog. Let him tell you how crappy it makes HIM feel. Take away his power.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 14:54

Get him checked out for unDX autism too. Oh, and early onset dementia. And don't forget a brain tumour.

Anything other than support the op in what she knows to be true. The guy is a prick.

Katy07 · 28/12/2016 14:58

Also like I said, who would let someone repeat something 3 times and continue to not respond??
If he does have hearing issues then he might have heard you speaking 3 times but not been able to make out what you were saying and assumed that you were talking to the dog.
Equally he might be a twat. Ask him - while facing him and having his attention!

Katy07 · 28/12/2016 15:01

I just thought he might want a chat. But no, he was watching telly.
But maybe he was in the mood to watch tv uninterrupted, didn't know it was you ringing and couldn't be bothered to find out because he was happy where he was?
(Maybe he didn't hear the phone?!!!)

Katy07 · 28/12/2016 15:02

I talk to the dog yeah but I don't repeat things over and over if the fucking thing doesn't respond!!
I've found it easier to do both sides of the conversation

PNGirl · 28/12/2016 15:03

This isn't hearing loss. This is someone tuning you out on purpose because he is bored of engaging with you - did some of you miss that he can't be arsed answering texts or the phone?

It's extremely rude and I would call him on it again, especially "wittering", the patronising arsehole.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 15:03

Case in point < sighs>

It disappoints me that so many women are so invested in denying how so many men hate us.

PNGirl · 28/12/2016 15:05

I'm quite introverted but if my husband points out that it's foggy or there's a cute dog across the road I gather myself and say something in acknowledgement.

SangtheSun · 28/12/2016 15:13

Jeez this is depressing. Not only do the majority of posters not listen to OP's clear descriptions of her partner's dismissive, ignoring behaviour but it is also explained away because older women witter & natter.

How fucking misogynistic is that?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/12/2016 15:17

Well Hes either deaf or very ignorant. I'll go for the latter

Katy07 · 28/12/2016 15:19

It disappoints me that so many women are so invested in denying how so many men hate us.
It disappoints me how many women on MN seem to hate men. It's almost like they're waiting for an OP to bring up an issue with their male partner so that they can sing in chorus about how terrible the male species are. Once upon a time it was supposed to be "man-hating lesbians" - now it's the "man-hating heterosexual women" while the lesbian points out that maybe there might just be another reasonable explanation...

Lizzylou · 28/12/2016 15:23

I would ditch a friend who treated me like this, op.
This is nothing to do with gender/hearing loss and all to do with respect and actually, basic manners. I wouldn't let my kids getaway with this behaviour.
It must be so soul destroying to live like this.

Man10 · 28/12/2016 15:57

When I was in my late twenties I went on a family holiday on a boat on the Thames. My father, then about 50, was steering and at some point I'm became worried about a collision. I spoke to him several times, in the end shouting, while stood five feet away directly in front of him. He didn't look at me once, didn't move a muscle, and showed no sign that he was aware of my existence. There was nothing wrong with his hearing, I think he was just in his own world. He had never done this before, never did it since, though I hadn't lived with him since I was 12 so maybe I'm not in a good position to know if this was normal for him.

I think OP's partner's brain was just filtering out "noise", which at the time included anything OP said. His ears heard the sounds but the filters ensured they never disturbed his train of thought. He wasn't choosing not to hear her, the part of his mind that is capable of making choices simply never registered there was something to respond to. (When she eventually gained his attention, he could then have had access to some vague memories of earlier utterances, so could have had some idea what she was referring to.)

(The fact that she calls from work for a "chat" makes me think she is precisely the sort of talker my subconscious would learn to filter out 90% of the time.)

I'm really surprised at the number of people that have suggested hearing loss, rather than the filtering I've suggested. Suggests to me that a lot of people are built differently to me, and my dad, and (possibly) OP's partner.

LucieLucie · 28/12/2016 16:02

He's tuned out OP, emotionally distant?

His mind is on someone/thing else. If you'd posted this in relationships board you'd be told that a million times over.

It's not normal, it's a big red flag.

Meemolly · 28/12/2016 16:07

It just isn't ok OP. Not in any way. Particularly because it is making you feel unheard. And the reason I feel so passionately about it is because I live with someone who tunes me out as well (and insists his brain just can't multitask) and also have friends who act like I am not worth listening to a full sentence for, but will happily talk away for hours about how interesting they are. And I am supposed to give them my undivided attention. Non of that is ok anymore.

Meemolly · 28/12/2016 16:09

Yes, it's emotional distance. Gosh exactly that. I grew up with it so I thought it was normal and married someone who does it as well. But it isn't ok, not in the slightest. You deserve more.

cunningartificer · 28/12/2016 16:10

I go with hearing loss, especially as he actually said he didn't hear you! As others have said once seen you were chatting to the dog he probably wasn't focusing (which again is what he said himself).

Also, tuning out someone is not unreasonable and most of us do it sometimes, especially when doing a dull or repetitive task like washing up!

Does he not get any points for doing that at least?

Some people on here have a very short fuse and must get through relationships amazingly fast if they are all "LTB" after an encounter like this!!!!!

Lizzylou · 28/12/2016 16:15

Cunning, he doesn't answer the phone to op, ignores op often and this doesn't happen with anyone else.
That is ignorant and disrespectful behaviour. NOT hearing loss. My DH has some hearing loss but he would not act like this.
Tuning out your life partner and then being so bloody rude about it is not on.

53rdAndBird · 28/12/2016 16:18

Well yes, sometimes people who seem to be being rude might have undiagnosed hearing loss. But sometimes, they're just being rude.

Some people on here have a very short fuse and must get through relationships amazingly fast if they are all "LTB" after an encounter like this!!!!!

It's pretty clearly part of a wider pattern of behaviour.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2016 16:19

"I go with hearing loss, especially as he actually said he didn't hear you! "
Yeah, because arseholes never lie, no sirree ...

Boeufsurletoit · 28/12/2016 16:35

OP, my partner does exactly the same, and regularly has his hearing tested for work so I know he can hear a hedgehog fart two gardens away. Selective hearing is just a passive aggressive way of telling you how little they care about what you're saying. If a reasonable person isn't sure they've heard you right, or just needs some quiet, they'll say so!

AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 17:16

What has sexually to do with this, Katy ? What a strange comment.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 17:17

*sexuality

Bumbleclat · 28/12/2016 17:20

Very rude and vile behaviour.

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