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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think completely blanking someone is not normal behaviour??

98 replies

BoBo16 · 28/12/2016 11:20

Scenario - me, DH and dog in the kitchen.

I say "do you want a wee?" To dog. DH then says to dog "go on, out for a wee". Proof he can hear me, right?

I open back door and say "wow have you seen how frosty the grass is??". DH stood almost next to me, says nothing. I repeat "have you seen how frosty it is out here?". Again, nothing. I look at him and say "you ignoring me?" He looks at me but continues washing up. I go into living room, came back in kitchen, give him the benefit of the doubt and say "have you seen the frost outside? Just have a look out of the window ... ". Again, nothing.

I playfully dig him in the ribs and joke "hey! Why are you ignoring me??" (Assuming of course that he's doing it for a joke) and he snaps "WHAT? All I can hear is the kettle going and you rattling on! I can't even hear what you're saying!". 😲 So I little taken aback I say "well why didn't you say you couldn't hear me instead of having me repeat something four times and just ignore me!" So he says "because I didn't know if you was talking to me or the dog or what!".

??? So much bullshit, I talk to the dog yeah but I don't repeat things over and over if the fucking thing doesn't respond!! I'd even said to him directly "are you ignoring me?" And he ignored that!!

I even approached him jokingly in the end about being ignored and got my head bit off!

He does have a habit of just ignoring me when he can't be arsed to talk but not normally to that extent!

AIBU to be upset and to think it isn't normal behaviour? I suppose I'm more upset because it's the first (and only!) day I've had off work since Christmas Eve - I've been looking forward to it but now I kind of feel like he doesn't want me around

OP posts:
Pollyanna9 · 28/12/2016 12:19

OPs already said she spoke not a few minutes earlier (not even talking to him but talking to the dog) and he heard it perfectly well.

This is not a hearing problem, it's throwing a deaf 'un!

AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 12:20

Ah, it appears I have cross posted with some other folk who are similarly not inclined to excuse such twatty behaviour by ignoring the op's perfectly clear explanation of what actually happened

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2016 12:28

"He does have a habit of just ignoring me when he can't be arsed to talk but not normally to that extent!"
This is not good.

As to all the suggestions he has a physical hearing problem - I have that. I struggle to make out what someone is saying if there is background noise. But - I know they said something. I will frequently respond to DH along the lines of 'sorry, I'm too close to the washing machine to hear you, what was that?'

I don't think he has a hearing problem, and neither do you - you are very clear that he only behaves this way to you and not other people.

So what you have is an attitude problem (his, not yours). Either he is angry about something and you are the whipping boy, or he is trying to train you to walk on eggshells around him (i.e. he is an abusive arse). Neither possibility speaks well of him, and you are only going to get to the bottom of it by speaking to him about his behaviour.

pklme · 28/12/2016 12:31

I have a bit of this in my house. He doesn't answer things that don't need an answer.
So "Gosh isn't it frosty" won't get an answer, "will you defrost my car?", will get answered but only if he was listening.

I am background noise unless I tell him I am talking to him. There is no small talk. He also walks out of the room while I am talking to him and talks to me when I am not in the room.

He does come across as ignorant. He is very focused, a bit deaf, and has a few other tendencies...

DameDeDoubtance · 28/12/2016 12:32

Is he usually this rude or is it a new thing?

nicknameinvalid456 · 28/12/2016 12:38

He is very rude and disrespectful. Some people seem to think that it is okay though to do this to their DM/MIL when they are "wittering on".(ageist?) Perhaps he thinks you are wittering? Personally I think you were making normal polite conversation and I would be pointing out to him that its not acceptable. If that makes him lose his temper you have a problem.

Original poster
BoBo16 · 28/12/2016 12:38

he's always had a tendency to ignore me if he can't be arsed to speak to me - talk over me if he has no interest in what I'm saying (although he does this to other people too) but it's definitely getting worse.

Recently he's taken to ignoring text messages and phone calls from me too. Yesterday I called him four times whilst I was at work. He eventually answered the phone and when I asked if he was busy he said he wasn't, he was just watching TV.

I was at work (I'm a community nurse so spend a great deal of time on my own whilst at work, which has been especially depressing over Christmas) and I just thought he might want a chat. But no, he was watching telly.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 12:40

Ugh

PaulDacresConscience · 28/12/2016 12:46

So, in view of the fact that he doesn't want to talk to you or hear from you and talks over you when he feels like it, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

DangerousBeanz · 28/12/2016 12:48

I'm partially deaf and have a tendency to tune out. If I don't realisesomeone is talking to me I honestly won't hear a thing they say. I have to be listening in order to hear iyswim.
So if I was engrossed in the TV I probably wouldn't hear the phone. If I was reading I wouldn't notice you come in and start talking to me and if you were talking to the dog and then continued talking to me I probably wouldn't be listening as I'd think you were still talking to the dog. Also I find women and children harder to notice than men as they have higher voices
So he could be being a twat. But he might also be deaf as a post and not realise it.

Lynnm63 · 28/12/2016 12:51

He's a twat. If he genuinely couldn't hear the op he could say so AND get his hearing checked out. Does he ignore other people's texts, probably not imo.

53rdAndBird · 28/12/2016 12:54

always had a tendency to ignore me if he can't be arsed to speak to me

Maybe you need to think of this the other way round. Quite often, this kind of partner will make it look like they're just not putting the effort in - like if you only did a bit more, were a bit nicer, had fewer needs/wishes/thoughts of your own, they'd put that effort in and be better to you.

But actually, they are putting in effort. They are putting huge amounts of energy into a campaign to make you feel small and shit and unsure of yourself. That way they get to feel powerful, you're less likely to leave, and they know you'll run around placating them and begging for any scraps of decency they throw in your direction. (Which they will, from time to time, just to keep you around.) They will get worse and worse, and you'll ask for less and less.

It's deliberate.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/12/2016 12:58

BoBo, why do you put up with this imbecile.
You know what your New Year's resolution should be, don't you ?
This type of behaviour isn't going to improve.
You are worthy of much more.
Please consider your options.

Original poster
BoBo16 · 28/12/2016 12:58

Well it's having the opposite effect on me - I find myself detaching more than anything! I'm an antisocial creature and do quite well on my own so if I keep getting the message that I'm not wanted, I will happily go on my merry way!

I've already made a few plans for 2017 which involve more me time, focussing on my own hobbies and goals. I'm quite looking forward to it.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2016 13:00

Sadly I think 53rdAndBird has summed up your situation rather well Sad.

DixieNormas · 28/12/2016 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/12/2016 13:05

You know he regularly chooses to be a twat to you. Do you know why you choose to put up with it?

Meemolly · 28/12/2016 13:05

Do you mean you will leave him? I hope so because he sounds rude and controlling. You sound lovely and like you would benefit from being in the company of people who are genuinely interested in your presence.

Original poster
BoBo16 · 28/12/2016 13:09

It seems they're few and far between lately MeeMolly 😞

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 13:23

Well, we were interested Flowers

CalmItKermitt · 28/12/2016 13:31

Totally agree with AF.
He heard you fine. Not sure why people who weren't there insist they know better 🙄

Meemolly · 28/12/2016 13:35

I hear you, and am quite partial to a bit of wallowing about how I'm boring and no one is interested in me myself, but that sort of crap thinking will get us nowhere. The truth is, we deserve better. And as hard as it is, we have to let go of people who reinforce the mistaken belief that we are not worth listening to. Because you are. So you don't need to hold onto him, unless he gets some kind of wake up call and realises how lucky he is to have you. Better to be on your own than to feel lonely and diminished with someone else.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/12/2016 13:42

Well let's hope that 2017 is your year BoBo, you can make it that way 😄🍾

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 28/12/2016 13:47

If it was hearing it would happen with other people. Not just me.

Not necessarily.

Some people lose their hearing in such a way that they lose the higher or lower frequencies first. So they might hear women and children's voices well, but not men's lower voices, and vice versa.

They may even struggle with a particular voice, whilst hearing most people's voices tolerably well.

I'd encourage him to have a hearing test. Smile

AgentProvocateur · 28/12/2016 13:52

I talk to the dog yeah but I don't repeat things over and over if the fucking thing doesn't respond!!

Nothing constructive to add, but this part of your thread has made me giggle and giggle Grin